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Topics - Philgood63

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Ages 40 and up / New new new new... new try
« on: October 09, 2016, 04:19:37 AM »
Hey all,

So here am I again (and again...), giving this thing a new (new...) try, 3 monthes after I had given up, I thought once and for all. I think I was desperate not to see any improvement, constantly losing my focus... The reboot had become just another way for me to lose, just one more fail in my life. Well I was wrong of course, but I needed to have a rest and figure this out. I did not really binged during those weeks. I look at P of course, I did PMO yes, but it was not as "before", when I first discovered all that shit, when I didn't know YBOP and RN, when I did not see the problem, finally when I thought that this would represent the rest of my life : PMO / sleep / work / PMO / sleep / work... Now I know that's not a fate, but that's hard work to overcome this and I losed my forces along this long road.

So what's new ? Why am I back on there ? As I said, I did not binged, but I gradually went through same old pattern with PMO, finally losing any interest in it, but unable not to get back to it, as for any drug of course. I was losing my time, more than anything, and did not get any pleasure in return. I was stuck again in this pattern, I was an addict again even if the dose was lighter than before. I was fed up with this.

I don't want to say any more that I'm strong, that I will bravely fight PMO as if it was the dragon, that "this was my last relapse", blah blah blah... OK, I already did this, I had to do this and we all have to (well, it's my opinion, don't know if it's true for anyone), but now is a second phase. Now I know my ennemy and I know he's far stronger than me. I know I'm not strong, let's be realistic, I'm half depressed, alone, and I carry on ten years of PMO in my back... I know that my one and only force is my persistance, and my ability to get up any time I will fall, and I know I will fall. I don't care. I will improve my skills to raise up anyway, that's the only thing that counts for me.

I will not write so much in this thread, I will not write any time I fail, but I will keep the contact with the forum and try not to lose my goal. I just want to keep fighting and being a better man at the end of the day.

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Ages 40 and up / New start
« on: March 18, 2016, 01:05:56 PM »
Hey all,

I decided it was time for me to create new journal, as I turned 40 in January, so... even if I don't like to admit it, I'm "old" and it's more than time for me to start behaving like a real adult. Anyway... I say this once again : "that's a new start for me". I really feel the change since a few weeks, even if I still relapsed from time to time, but it's really not the same as it was monthes ago when I started to walk this path. Now I want to complete 90 days once again and now once and for all, I mean, just not 90 days, a lifetime. I know I will fail and feel down and anything, but I don't care cos I know I will also stand up, try again and again, and then succeed. I know it will be a long path, I've just walked a few miles. Let's start this now. Take care everyone out there.

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Ages 30-39 / This path is the long one...
« on: May 10, 2015, 06:34:15 AM »
It's one year since I started this path, thanks to the knowledge of the Yourbrainonporn site. Of course I discovered it by chance, and I don't know what would have happened to me if i didn't (what ? nothing... you would still be stuck in that trap... just like before).

I struggled a lot, but mainly with poor results (15 days... not more). It took me too long to figure out I was really sick, and that I had REALLY to do what it takes... 8 monthes to delete my USB keys of P material... 11 monthes to install a web blocker like K9... one year to open this journal... Well I made everything to make this path the long one, and I'm the only one to blame. You know this : always thinking "oh I can make it alone, with just my willpower..." Your willpower ??? You mean probably "what remains of your willpower after years and years of PMO", right ? Well, quite nothing, don't mention it.

I've always found a "good" excuse to relapse, something like "that's too difficult at the moment, I have too many issues to deal at the same time, let's just make things easier right now by relapsing, and then I'll be able to act better in a few days, when I have dealt with other issues"... you probably know this shit : Other issues are NEVER closed, and then it's NEVER the right time to start the reboot, and what you called "days" become weeks, then monthes, end so on, and here I am, one year later.

Motivation came back and forth, depending on days ("oh my god, weather is not fine, that's too hard for me to withstand, let's do PMO, I will feel much better..."), sometimes on events (every time someone I knew died, it reminded me that life was short so not to be wasted that way), sometimes without reason.

I thought there would be one day kind of a "sparkle", something that would "easily" push me to do this reboot correctly, but it's probably written there should not be anything "easy" in this quest, and somehow, if it was easy, maybe it would not have a real value ?

Well now I hope I turned this page, from my previous mistakes, and that I will have better news to write down in this journal. I also start to meet a psychologist soon (not only for this issue, but it's part of the whole) and sure it will help me, rather than staying alone in front of my screen hoping for urges not to come, and then dreaming (no other word...) I could fight them and win... pathetic.

Enough talk, I experienced what does not work for sure, I found many good advices from you guys, now let's do it !


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