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Ages 40 and up / Andy back in the fight
« on: May 07, 2015, 08:29:43 AM »
My first post here.  Having read a few other journals, I'm a little unsure, but here we go.

I'm a 49 year old married man.  It's my second marriage and I have two children from my first.  The first marriage ended for many reasons, but my porn use was certainly among them.  It is now beginning to negatively impact my second.  Since virtually everything else about my current marriage is better than the first was, I want to be a better husband and man in order to give my wife the partner she deserves. 

I first saw porn at 10 or so, started MO at 15 and really started PMO in the military in my early 20s.  It really became a lifestyle for me then, as I was too shy to actually approach women.  So porn was my exclusive sexual experience until I was 30.  I of course always assumed I could drop it in a second once I met someone, but found that was not the case.  Any stress or pressures drove me right back to it.  The distance that grew between me and my first wife was in no small part due to my PMOing - up to 5 or 6 nights a week at the end. 

After we split, I got counselling for awhile and attended a couple of 12 step sex addiction groups that seemed to help - I kicked the habit for about 18 months - but continuing on that path brings you to a point where you finally have to believe in God, which I do not.  That spiritual crisis, if you can call it that, led me to drop out of the program and I was PMOing again within 3 months. 

It was on and off from there for a few years until I met my current wife.  I was able to push it largely to the background for a long time after we started seeing each other and got married.  I was very open with her about my history with porn, and she has been incredibly supportive and understanding throughout our relationship.  Once again, though, stress and boredom have gotten me PMOing 2-3 times a week and ED is becoming a significant problem.

So Monday was my last PMO and I'm hoping that I can make some real changes this time to give it up for good.

Thanks for reading!

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