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Topics - freefromwinternight

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Ages 20-29 / Starting over (again)
« on: April 11, 2015, 11:32:20 AM »
Hi everyone,

I've actually registered and deleted accounts on yourbrainrebalanced twice because I wasn't willing to call a spade a spade and realize that I really do have an addiction to Internet porn. Third time's the charm, as the old cliche goes, right?

I'm 26 years old, live at home with a family member, and I have been a regular porn user, excepting a blissful two-year break, since I was 11. I have a story I could tell (parents divorced, mentally ill mother, hotel-homeless, traumatic death of said mother, and the addiction itself, of course) but frankly the stories I've read on here seem a lot worse than mine! So I think I'll spare myself the self-pity. :)

The date of this reboot is March 15, the last day I PMO'd. I was reading the stories on here and finally I could not convince myself that I wasn't an addict any longer. (The shaky hands, fantasizing, skewed perspectives on relationships, negative attitude, etc.) All of that evidence just kept piling up until I couldn't bullshit myself anymore, which I should tell you all that I've gotten to be pretty good at that, as have the majority of us, I would think.

I've been single for 10 years; haven't had a girlfriend since one hellish month in high school as a sophomore. That's partly because of who I am, and partly because of my life history. (Kinda hard to meet girls when you're living out of hotel rooms due to your mother's mental state. Long story. If you guys want me to, I'll tell it.) I have never had PIV sex, the closest I have ever come was when a nine-year-old girl acted out sexually with me when I was 10. I discovered porn shortly after that, because as my amazing therapist explained to me, the sexual feelings that the girl awoke in me couldn't just be put back to sleep. I have a higher-than-normal libido as a result, but no outlet for it, which is a problem vis-a-vis my addiction.

Introverted, shy, ashamed of the things I have believed because I believed Mom and her delusions, trying to move forward as best I can. I'm not really in shape, I have a gut that isn't too bad, but I have serious baby-face going on. I look like a freaking 20-year-old infant sometimes; it's embarrassing enough without getting carded every time I want a glass of wine! :D (I'm not an alcoholic, fortunately, that's never been a temptation for me.)

I'm not sure what else is there to say. I won't disappear this time; I've come too far to let myself believe there's nothing wrong with jerking off to groups of pixels arranged in a certain way. Do I have triggers? Hell yes, but I just grit my teeth and feel them out for the past few weeks instead of indulging in them. I use porn to medicate my embarrassment over my life history, my insecurity about not looking a 10/10, and my lack of confidence in myself as a result of the above two. I realize that you guys have much more, shall we say, intense, histories than mine, which only goes to show that my embarrassment is only an ego thing, right? Yet I'm still embarrassed and ashamed anyway.

I have never had a sense of purpose, I have no clue what I want to do with my life. I'm not sure that there even is anything to do with my life. I've been in the hospital once for a suicide attempt after my mom died and my addiction came back in force after the two-year break. I should probably stop typing now before this becomes an epic post! Thanks for reading. Almost to 30 days (again). The longest I've held on is about six months. Breaking that record this time.

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