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Topics - K.D.

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Ages 20-29 / Rebooting My Mind and My Soul
« on: March 17, 2015, 12:45:12 AM »
Hello all, my name is K.D. and I am a recovering porn/sex addict.

My porn addiction is probably the worst one that I know of. I became addicted to porn at 5 yrs old. I found my dad's stash of mags in his bedroom, and I was hooked. I would sneak into my parents room at every chance that I got and would just look at those magazines for hours on end. Then I found out that my cousins (2 males; 2 & 3 yrs older than me) also liked porn and that their dad's also had magazines and videos. (Mind you, I didn't have access to high speed internet until I was 19. So before that, it was magazines, cinemax, showtime, and the occasional VHS.) I began looking at those mags with my cousins every time I went to their houses.When I was 8, I discovered masturbation after my cousins had shown me. This discovery led us to curiosities and eventually experimentation with each other. This experimentation eventually led to both of them molesting me for a long time (each independent of the other). It finally stopped when they were in their mid teens and had started having sex with girls. Unfortunately, this had created an addiction to sex for me that led me to experiment with 2 younger female cousins of mine. All the while, I could not look at enough porn. I was driven my desire to see more porn. Throughout my teens, my life revolved around finding new porn and, in turn, masturbating to it. When I became sexually active at 16, I was already suffering from porn induced ED. My first time was brought to a screeching halt due to my inability to maintain an erection. I have never had a sexual encounter/relationship that was not negatively impacted by PIED. However, I never had problems maintaining an erection for hours on end while masturbating to porn.

My addiction to porn and masturbation grew my sexual addiction to a dark and disturbing level. From the time I left home and joined the military, I only had 2 things on my mind; porn and sex. I would try to have sex with any woman that would give me the time of day. And when wasn't trying to hook up, I was watching porn and please myself while doing so.

Fast forward a few years, and I met the woman that would later become my wife. Even though I loved her more than I had ever loved another person, my addiction still ruled my life. I constantly watched porn and masturbate behind her back. I would push her to try new, kinky things in the bedroom. Most of the time she didn't like it, but would do it anyway. I attempted, on multiple occasions, to be unfaithful. And all of these problems were based on the lies that porn had told me. We grew emotionally distant, and were "this close" to divorce a few times.

About 2 months ago, we had a "Come to Jesus" meeting. I had been dishonest with her about my infidelities and addictions. She had hidden some things from me that needed to be brought to light. I finally exposed the true depth of my addiction and perversion. It is only by the grace of God that we are still together, as she told me she wanted a divorce that night. But, we have loved each other through it. Now, even though I still upset her by telling her something that I only recently remembered I had done, or truly digging into my addiction further, she still supports my recovery.  I thank God every waking day that he has placed her in my life. I couldn't go on without her.

So, long story short, after 22 years of dealing with sever porn addiction that led to PIED, habitual masturbation, sexual addiction, and the destruction of everything and everybody I cam into contact with, I am on my road to recovery. I now know that my reboot started about 2 months ago on that blessed night. I have struggled with masturbation a few times and I gave into the  temptation of porn 1 time. However, I still hold a positive outlook. I have begun to experience physical arousal that is centered on my wife, not on porn. However, I feel like I am flat-lining. It is scary and disheartening, but I now know that it is part of the process. I just pray that my wife can be patient with me as I go through this recovery. Honey, if you're reading this, please no that I love you with every fiber of my being. I am completely and passionately attracted to you, even if I don't show you. Please have patience with me. I will beat this addiction, and thank God every day that he placed you by my side. I love you.

To the creators of reboot nation, I cannot thank you guys enough for what you are doing. This advise is literally freeing people from the bondage of slavery to porn and lust. I look forward to sharing this journey with all of you. God Bless.

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