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Topics - Gracie

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1
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / My husband/boyfriend uses porn
« on: November 03, 2018, 09:36:34 AM »
This is from my husband and my go to seven years ago.  There was not much out there that did not blame me.   The whole site is helpful!


http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/p/my-partner-has-porn-habit.html

2
Porn Addiction / Why kick porn?
« on: November 03, 2018, 09:31:35 AM »
Here is information from one of my and my husband's go to in the begining.  7 years ago there was not much in the way of information.

http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/p/why-kick-porn-habit.html

EDIT: fixed link - Gabe

3
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Read the new sticky above
« on: August 11, 2018, 07:20:09 AM »
The sticky I posted above is a study about how porn use affects wives.  It shows our feeligs are not crazy.  We are not "losing it".  It was very empowering to read.

To all the new partners here, you have come to the right place.  We will listen and help as we can.  You are not alone.

To the men that read our pages, talk to us, we can help you under stand you partner.

Gracie

4
Porn Addiction / Reason to quit
« on: June 17, 2018, 07:07:38 AM »
To all the men here, please use Father's Day as a day to lock in that commitment to recover from porn.  Do it for yourself, do it for your children.  You are the living example of how to be a Dad.  When porn is in your brain, there is not a lot left over.  I don't think anyone want their children to make tne same chioces they did.  So live by example!  For your sons, show them how to love their future wife.  Show them the care and consideration she desrves.  Most importantly show them your wife is "the love of your life"!  Show your daughters the kind of husband they should have.  One that is not looking at others, one that has eyes only for them.  Show them the kind of respect they deserve.  Show them how a man can be the "love of their life"!

My husband and I have used this struggle to change how we treat each other.  Our grandchildren call us "lovebirds".  What a change!  We were never fighting etc.  But we changed and started living by example.  It has been rough at times over the last 7 years, but once we went through the hardest part, we started living in a way that shows the world we are in love.   

For those here that are not in a relationship, squirrel this away.  Then when you meet "the one" remember this.  Your marriage and life is the model for your children.  Live by example!!

5
Porn Addiction / Gaming disorder
« on: January 06, 2018, 06:17:05 PM »
http://www.who.int/features/qa/gaming-disorder/en/

This links shows the World Health Organization wants Gaming Disorder recognized as a mental health problem.  How can porn addiction not be looked at for inclusion.  Read, they look like twins.

6
Porn Addiction / What is happening here at RB?
« on: November 20, 2017, 07:20:49 AM »
I do not know what is happening here at RB.  But when it first started, it was a welcoming place for rebooters and partners alike.  We encouraged and supported one another.  I have been here since the beginning.  Men would post in partner comments not because they wanted to call us names, or yell, but because they could talk about what their wives were going through or girlfriends.  We encouraged them to stick with it.  My quote was "Seek out your wife/girlfriend, spend as much time with her as you do porn, and you will be amazed!".

 we could also ask the men here questions about what our boyfriends/husbands were going through and get honest answers, helpful answers.  No hate, no "old, cold in bed" comments but real answers.

Now, I don't know what has happened.  In some ways, it is still the same.  Men don't explore ther porn addiction until their penis quits working.  But now there seems to be questons about using drugs, acceptable levels of porn, being inside your head during sex (btw, yes we know) etc.

  Then there is the downright meaness that has found its way in.  And I don't know wny.  Why be mean?  Whether we are men trying to stop, or partners trying to heal, the same thing brought us here PORN!  We are in this together, trying to find answers.   Let all this hate stop.   

Some of you have won.  There are a great number of my Partner friends who have left or will not post due to the attacks.  There are many women that message and have read through the forum and will not post for the same reason.   I have received messages from men that state the same thing.  Wake up!  This place could be great again!

7
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Opinion piece on Sexual harassent
« on: November 19, 2017, 08:36:20 AM »
I found this on internet today, a good place to start to turning the tide!
Showing there could  be another way to be!

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2017/11/18/want-sexual-misconduct-by-men-to-stop-start-by-cracking-down-on-boys-easy-access-to-internet-porn.html

8
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Weinstein etc. in the news
« on: October 23, 2017, 08:44:02 AM »
Do any of the others here that have endured past abuse find themselves being triggered by the events in the news?  I remember all of that and then how when I married my husband that there would be no more sexual harm.  Then we have the whole porn thing occur in our marriage and I felt so duped and stupid that I thought he was indeed different than the rest.  And he was not.  He is now.  However the wound went so deep, maybe it just made the old wounds reopen or everything went deeper I don't know.  But I find my self getting pissed when it is on or gets discussed. 

He even said the other day he never thought of me being triggered by that.  And I said, "An old guy lusting after young girls and wanting them to have sex with him is not similar to what you did how?"  And that is it bottom line.  And that is how it feels it is us and our age and our being past our youth. 

And then I think of my own abuse and sexual assaults.  Bleah!!!!!!  And yet no one realizes that it is our culture that causes this.  The valuation of sexuality above all else.  We read of all the recent pedophile raids, the men in Hollywood, politicians and it is all men risking everything for an orgasm.  EVERYTHING risked for that!  UNREAL.   

Well that is my Monday morning thought.

9
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Article on addiction
« on: August 31, 2017, 06:32:27 AM »
I am posting this here as sometimes some SOs do not read elsewhere in the forum.  There is a great article about the science of addiction in the new September National Geographic.  It is very good.  You can recognize what happens in porn addiction.  It especially talks about triggers.  Good read.

10
Porn Addiction / Article on addiction
« on: August 31, 2017, 06:28:43 AM »
The September National Geographic has a great article about the science of addiction.  It just came in the mail this week.  It talks about everything Gary Wilson does.  It also says that science is helping put behavioral addictions in as addictions.  Generally only addiction to alcohol and drugs is included.  A great read!  It also talks about triggers.  And relapse.

11
Porn Addiction / Excuses, rationalizations
« on: July 28, 2017, 09:02:06 AM »
As a partner, I and the others frequently get frustrated reading some of the comments here at RBN made by PAs.  And, I am sure that the same is true of some of our comments to the PAs here. 

Most frustrating of all though is the information put out that it is not us.  We could be......whoever the hottest female of the moment is and it would still happen.  But then we read: 

IF ONLY.....

She had sex with me more often

 She wasn't sick

  She wasn't going through the change
                                                           
She lost some weight

  She didn't just want vanilla sex

She would try the stuff I want to
                                                                                     
  She dressed up for me

 She realized I am horny

 She wasn't depressed

She hadn't just had our baby


All of these indicate that somehow we have manipulated the PA brain and done something that made the PA look at porn and women and then masturbate.  I do not understand why the taking on of responsibility for a conscious choice to PMO and then to go to great lengths to conceal it is difficult.  Even if we turn into your ideal fantasy, according to all I have read, and I have been reading for 6 years on this topic, that would not make a difference.  Maybe to you for a short bit.  But even the ideal fantasy becomes the normal. 

We get going without sex in a marriage because once the PA starts watching, we have no sex anymore.  In my case 3 or 4 nights a week with the tv and maybe (if I was lucky) once a week with me.  And even then I had to ask.  So I felt no desire for me.  We get that our body changes and hormones change.  Trust me it is no picnic to have your body and brain change as an aging female.  We are living those changes.  We need understanding not condemnation.   If you want us to try things, then make it fun not a demand. 

The only person anyone can change is themselves.  And we all need to be the best version of ourselves.  Blaming someone else for our choices, any choices we make, means we are not ready to change.  And in the process of our changing, the other will change.  Like I have said before, seek out your wife/partner/gf with the same interest and time spent as you do porn and your marriage will change.  I knew the entire time I was not first in his mind.  I did not know what was for awhile but I knew it wasn't me.
 

                                                                                     
                                                     
                                                       
 

12
We are closer.  We are getting better at communicating.  He spends time talking to people.  He loves life. 

I have found out how strong I am.  More to follow.

14
Porn Addiction / Happy Father's Day
« on: June 18, 2017, 07:37:15 AM »
Happy Father's Day to all the fathers.  Know that your children and wives love you.  May that help you as you walk your path to freedom from porn.

16
I have moved this topic from Porn Addiction.  I have removed the posts not helpful to new partners that are seeking answers to their pain.  I have left in the numerous names that have been used by one person that has posted hurtful statements detrimental to a partner's healing so they might recognize that person.  Some comments left may appear stilted as a result.  I am also locking this topic to preserve it.

There are new people here that try to figure out how it is for partners.  This is a post I wrote a few years ago.  Please read.

[i]I keep seeing men tell women it is not about us.  I sat and thought about that statement.  It seems it is meant to get us on some kind of road to recovery.  Such a simple statement. 

And yet here is the conundrum, porn is not about us, BUT  Once our husband gets into porn he talks to us less, he complements us less, he makes comments about our appearance, he goes to bed at a different time, he doesn't talk to the kids, we don't just have fun anymore, we don't have those spontaneous fun sex moments anymore, we see him ogling other women, he doesn't hug us often, kisses even less, is secretive, is furtive, is grumpy.  How can we not feel it is us?

He does not want to be around us anymore.  When we ask what is wrong, we are told NOTHING.  But we feel everything is wrong.  Then all of a sudden BAM.  I'm sorry honey its porn.  I have been MOing to all these young goregeous girls the whole time I have been ignoring you and our entire life.  But hey its not you.  Just forgive me it is an addiction.  Suck it up, quit crying and I will stop.   Oh yeah, that makes us feel good.

It does not.  It makes us feel like shit.  It takes a long time to get past that.  And in order to work through it, and wrap our brain around the lies, we have huge pain.  I wish I could describe the physical knife stabbing pain that was there in the beginning, the heart palpitations, the shallow breathing, the hypervigilence, the sense of loss, the feeling of no direction and the feeling of being so alone that we feel.

It can be worked through but only together and with each partner validating what is being said.  But I can tell you, I will never be the same.  There is a scarred wound from the hurt that came into our marriage.  And it can only heal from the inside out.  Porn significantly harms the marriage attachment.



17
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Sometimes I get discouraged
« on: May 20, 2017, 10:39:03 AM »
Why do I get discouraged?  It makes me sad to see all the men that bemoan their addiction.  There are men on YBR that have had hundreds of thousands of views of their journal  and they still struggle.  Some were there 6 yrs ago when I started this journey and they are still there.  Complaining about all the alphabet things.  Saying maybe I can have real sex.  I understand this is an addiction but if you are still on go after a number of years then you either do not want to change or need to do more than write words.

I think that is what bothers me is that men start this, and some of us pop in and say tell your wife, give resources and some of the men give those as well.   Then OMG I saw a bikini got to hit the porn.  And away go thoughts of wife, gf, future wives girlfriends and kids.  And then start allover again.

When does self control come in?  When does any sort of I have to do this kick in?

I am fortunate that my husband has worked very hard and we are able to work on our relationship.  But many are not so lucky.  I hate seeing porn claim lives and marriages.  I wish I could make every man see the pain and havoc it causes.  That it is about emotion, and their brain, not soft dick, hard dick, fast dick, slow dick, little dick, big dick (well maybe big dick if they act that way) 

End Rant

18
Here are links to study and presentation:

http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/results-vary-by-gender-on-whether-pornography-use-leads-to-sexual-dysfunction-300456647.html


https://medicalxpress.com/news/2017-05-link-porn-sexual-dysfunction.html

Here is article from a news site:  (I did not use the site itself due to triggering suggestions for clicks)

You think it’s a bit of harmless fun, but watching porn really does affect a man’s performance in the bedroom.

Men partial to perusing a lot of X-rated material are more likely to suffer erectile dysfunction — and it’s because they are so used to looking at kinky images, experts suggest.

And those men who prefer watching their fantasies played out on screen are also less likely to enjoy actually having sex, the study showed.

While experts quizzed both men and women on their porn-watching habits, they only found a link to sexual dysfunction in men.

Researchers surveyed more than 300 men between 20 and 40 who visited a San Diego urology clinic for treatment.

While only 3.4 percent said they would rather masturbate and watch porn than have sex, there was a statistical link between the amount of porn they watched and sexual dysfunction.

Most of those men quizzed admitted to watching porn.

One in four said they watched porn less than once a week, while 21.3 percent said they watched porn three to five times a week.

Five percent admitted to watching porn six to 10 times a week and 4.3 percent said they indulged more than 11 times per week.

Dr. Joseph Alukal, an associate professor of urology and director of male reproductive health at New York University, said: “Visual stimulation will often increase sexual arousal in both men and women.”

“But when the majority of their time is spent viewing and masturbating to pornography, it is likely they will become less interested in real-world sexual encounters.”

“These studies suggest the issue may be trivial in women, but not so for men, and could lead to sexual dysfunction.”

“Sex is half in your body and half in your head and it may not be a physical component driving the behavior, but a psychological one.”

“For this reason, it’s important for physicians to understand the underlying issues leading to the sexual dysfunction prior to suggesting treatment options.”

Dr. Matthew Christman, a staff urologist with the Naval Medical Center in San Diego, told HealthDay the reason porn addicts are at greater risk of erectile dysfunction is that their “tolerance” for sexual stimulation is higher.

He said: “Tolerance could explain the sexual dysfunction, and can explain our finding that associated preferences for pornography over partnered sex with statistically significantly higher sexual dysfunction in men.”

Erectile dysfunction is a very common condition, particularly in older men.

It is estimated that half of all men between the ages of 40 and 70 will have it to some degree.

It is defined as the inability to get and maintain an erection.

The researchers also surveyed women between 20 and 40 about their porn habits but found no link with sexual dysfunction.

The findings were presented at the annual scientific meeting of the American Urological Association on May 12.

Previous studies into porn and its impact in the bedroom have also found that men who watch a lot of racy clips are less likely to be satisfied having sex with their partner.

An Indiana University and University of Hawaii study of more than 50,000 participants who had taken part in 50 previous porn studies found men who watch porn in an intimate relationship are more likely to be less satisfied with their sex life and their partner.

19
Porn Addiction / New study published
« on: May 16, 2017, 01:43:25 PM »
Here are links to study and presentation:

http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/results-vary-by-gender-on-whether-pornography-use-leads-to-sexual-dysfunction-300456647.html


https://medicalxpress.com/news/2017-05-link-porn-sexual-dysfunction.html

Here is article from a news site:  (I did not use the site itself due to triggering suggestions for clicks)

You think it’s a bit of harmless fun, but watching porn really does affect a man’s performance in the bedroom.

Men partial to perusing a lot of X-rated material are more likely to suffer erectile dysfunction — and it’s because they are so used to looking at kinky images, experts suggest.

And those men who prefer watching their fantasies played out on screen are also less likely to enjoy actually having sex, the study showed.

While experts quizzed both men and women on their porn-watching habits, they only found a link to sexual dysfunction in men.

Researchers surveyed more than 300 men between 20 and 40 who visited a San Diego urology clinic for treatment.

While only 3.4 percent said they would rather masturbate and watch porn than have sex, there was a statistical link between the amount of porn they watched and sexual dysfunction.

Most of those men quizzed admitted to watching porn.

One in four said they watched porn less than once a week, while 21.3 percent said they watched porn three to five times a week.

Five percent admitted to watching porn six to 10 times a week and 4.3 percent said they indulged more than 11 times per week.

Dr. Joseph Alukal, an associate professor of urology and director of male reproductive health at New York University, said: “Visual stimulation will often increase sexual arousal in both men and women.”

“But when the majority of their time is spent viewing and masturbating to pornography, it is likely they will become less interested in real-world sexual encounters.”

“These studies suggest the issue may be trivial in women, but not so for men, and could lead to sexual dysfunction.”

“Sex is half in your body and half in your head and it may not be a physical component driving the behavior, but a psychological one.”

“For this reason, it’s important for physicians to understand the underlying issues leading to the sexual dysfunction prior to suggesting treatment options.”

Dr. Matthew Christman, a staff urologist with the Naval Medical Center in San Diego, told HealthDay the reason porn addicts are at greater risk of erectile dysfunction is that their “tolerance” for sexual stimulation is higher.

He said: “Tolerance could explain the sexual dysfunction, and can explain our finding that associated preferences for pornography over partnered sex with statistically significantly higher sexual dysfunction in men.”

Erectile dysfunction is a very common condition, particularly in older men.

It is estimated that half of all men between the ages of 40 and 70 will have it to some degree.

It is defined as the inability to get and maintain an erection.

The researchers also surveyed women between 20 and 40 about their porn habits but found no link with sexual dysfunction.

The findings were presented at the annual scientific meeting of the American Urological Association on May 12.

Previous studies into porn and its impact in the bedroom have also found that men who watch a lot of racy clips are less likely to be satisfied having sex with their partner.

An Indiana University and University of Hawaii study of more than 50,000 participants who had taken part in 50 previous porn studies found men who watch porn in an intimate relationship are more likely to be less satisfied with their sex life and their partner.

First published on The Sun

Hopefully people will start to pay attention to these findings

20
Here is what I posted in response to apology in Porn Addiction by someone who posted using many different names and was brutal to our partner members and supporters:  (it is a little long)

That's the problem with saying words, writing words that are designed to throw the blame on someone else and cut them off at the knees.  Once it is said it is always there.  I know it well.  It is what my husband used when I discovered.   When you posted in the partner section and in the men's sections, you used the same words and thought processes that our addict partners used.  Many of us felt judged and harmed over and over by your words.  Our partner section went trough a shake up the like of which I have never seen in 6 years of posting.

I may be a little more thick skinned than most.  I started out at YBR.  There were not many women on boards that far back.  So I went to the 40 and up section and posted my questions in men's threads.  And they answered.  I told them how it felt to be a partner, helped them see the "wife side" of this.  Some men were not nice.  But I kept hangin' in there.  YBR could be a little wild west at times. 

Then Gabe started Reboot Nation.  I think I was the first woman here.  He asked what we needed.  I said a place for partners.  And he listened.  Our needs are so different from the addict's.  And We were two or three and then it grew.  The women felt safe.  Men popped in and supported us or asked questions.   The women became more sharing.  It was great. 

We had about 6 women that had registered and been posting for months and left as a result of the meaness that came in.  I had women join briefly and then send me PMs saying your partner section is not safe.

Then to further be frustrated.  A new name would appear send a lightning bolt of "hey just get over it" and then disappear.  I have told you this so you can see some of the effects of your words and attitudes.

Even now, your words are starting to get aggressive where you have posted.  You need HELP.  If the words you use reflect the feelings you have, you need help.  Professional counseling help.  It feels like you are a pressure cooker and the hate in posting is the valve that lets a little steam out.

I hope you find a way to heal.  But tearing other people down so you can feel superior is not the way to do it.


21
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Hold Me Tight
« on: May 07, 2017, 11:53:59 AM »
Husband and I just started reading Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson.  This is an excellent book.  I read it out loud and my husband and I talked about things that hit home.  This is a self help book for connecting back up emotionally.

We decided to get the book after listening to this podcast:

https://m.soundcloud.com/loverice/the-science-of-human-connection-with-dr-sue-johnson

This is the emotional piece that is so important to both partners in recovery.

22
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Inappropriate post
« on: April 03, 2017, 01:15:11 PM »
Everyone, if you saw the post that was derogatory to women, I removed it as soon as I saw it.  I am trying t keep trolls away.

Gracie

23
Porn Addiction / Does it ever end?
« on: March 14, 2017, 03:08:10 PM »
This was posted on Fox News:

Pornsters are plowing Boston!

Trucks outfitted with snowplows – bearing the logo of internet porn purveyor Pornhub – were going in and out of Beantown Tuesday, plowing the way for Bostonians who had to get to work, Boston Magazine reported.


http://www.foxnews.com/us/2017/03/14/porn-website-outfits-plows-to-help-snow-clean-up.html

24
Porn Addiction / In the news
« on: February 16, 2017, 08:47:39 AM »
I found this today while reading through the news.  People need to speak out about this addiction. 


http://www.foxnews.com/health/2017/02/16/is-pornography-public-health-threat.html

25
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Tech age
« on: January 29, 2017, 11:25:44 AM »
I read an article last night about a person that wants talk about sex to more prevalent.  Her answer to help this along is to have people post videos of their "loving, intimate sex".   Which to me is still visual sex and if others view it, creates that same visual porn element and sets up the addiction cycle possibility.  She views this as an answer to porn.  I do not.

More disturbing to me is that at the end of the article was that last year 91 BILLION videos were viewed on pornhub! For reference one thousand millions equal one billion.  WTF?  Then I go on facebook and click on something like stupid things kids say to moms, and all the little click ads are about women being unclothed in some fashion.

So when I see those numbers, and know that men are the biggest consumers of both, I then ask, Why are men willing to be so stupid?  A pair of boobs and a crotch shot make them willing to risk everything.  Doesn't it bother them to realize that they are viewed as being that dumb? 

Why aren't men outraged that this is how they are viewed ?  We women express our outrage as being unintelligent.  We do this every opportunity we have.  But men are being viewed and treated like dumb little lemmings hopping off into the abyss of artifical sex.  Why doesn't this piss them off?

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