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Topics - NewAdam

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Ages 20-29 / 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« on: January 01, 2015, 02:37:23 PM »
Hi rebooters,
I am glad I found a community I am able to grow with. We have the same enemy and the same goal.:)
I thought it might be mutually useful if I share my story…
First of all, I would like to say that I had really hard childhood. My father was alcoholic and he died when I was 4 years old. My mother was and is a good women and I love her. Nevertheless, after the death of my alcoholic father, she desperately tried to find a new man. It wasn’t so easy for her, so new and new men came to our house. One of them was so bad that he had sex with my mom, while I was present. They might be thinking that I was too little to understand. And I did not understand. It just looked for me that this guy is hurting my mom. Finally, my mother found a decent man, which I love now, but he was really strict and I suffered really hard physical punishments for many years… So this is my background…
I am 29 years old now and have a long history of addiction. I started M’ing when I was 7 or 8. I did that at least twice a day. When I was 12 I got almost unlimited access to the internet porn. Don’t have to say that I got obsessed. I was watching it mostly during the nights (3 – 4 hours), teasing myself before finishing. Of course, it has a negative impact to my studies and to my social life.
I got so dependent on porn, so during the periods when internet was not available at home I was trying to catch wi-fi anywhere , so I was PMOing in public places during the night. I understood that’s not good and that I should stop, but I couldn’t. I was blinded by desire.
When I was 16 I already started to look for extreme porn. All the time when I was searching for something I included word extreme. When I was over 20 the things I was looking extremely humiliated women (bukkakes, gagging, public disgrace and so on.).
During all that period I understood that it is not correct, that’s not me. I was trying to stop, but never successfully. Every time after PMO’ing I felt so badly. I would say I felt like a piece of shit. I hated those men, who were destroying women, but mostly of all I hated myself to watch all that junk. The best example of how addicted I was, is my studies in university. I was really bad student. One of the worst.   And when I was preparing for my final exam (It was the last day before exam) I tried to protect myself from P, so I installed software to block it. 10 minutes after I installed it, I was looking for a ways to bypass this program. I did that and I PMO’ed. I wasted five hours and I felt in desperation.
Up till now the longest period without M was 35 days. It was a time when I was travelling with my friend and we spent 100% of our time together. Nevertheless, the P was in my mind. I was dreaming about the scenes I have seen.
For me Pornography is a monster, a demon that destroys personality, locks yours potential and talents. It is just like alcoholism or addiction to drugs.
Now I found Paula Hall “The Kick start recovery program”, which revealed the architecture of the sexual addiction. And I try base my recovering strategy on this program. I looked for some videos on and best of all I found this community.  The community I would like to grow with. I am sober for 6 days now and my first goal is 40 days. I will keep updating my journal, to share my recovery proccess with community.

Ages 20-29 / Can someone explain me what does PMO means.
« on: December 26, 2014, 04:18:47 PM »
Hi everybody,

I've just started my reboot and I am happy I found a community, but don't understand all the abbreviations (e.g. PMO). May someone explain for me.

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