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Topics - Chaos Mind

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1
Ages 20-29 / I am stronger than this!
« on: April 10, 2017, 09:06:08 AM »
Hi all,


this is the story of a man that felt so proud for making it at his first attempt. My history of rebooting the p-infected brain startet in December 2014. From this day on I declared myself free of this crap that we all feel guilty of. Forced my will and challenged my temptation - but won every fight I fought. Experienced no relapse for nearly one year. So when it first started again I told myself "I can deal with this. I will find a balance. I am more careful now". And for the last two years it seemed like I really could manage this. Sometimes it bacame too much so I just decided to cut it back a little and like this I kept on living.


I don't really know when I let it slip again. But all of a sudden I found that I did not really get hard anymore with my girlfriend for more than 2 weeks. She was ready but I wasn't. I had excuses and more excuses and she always showed sympathy for me. She is the best person that could ever happen to me. She needs the sex so much but she would accept so many times that I couldn't give her what she wanted.


Why reboot now? Because last time I could feel that she was disappointed for me letting her down again. I always need 1 - 3 days to recover from my binges. My libido gets stronger in that time, but I need to wait until "he" works properly again. Today is a good day. Sun is shining and I woke with only the best  plans for today. Instead I turned on my computer. I ignored all the warning signs and the siren that went off in my brain. I was online 6 hours straight and now I feel dizzy and totally worn out. I skipped work and need to lie to my co-workers. My gf will come home from work soon and I have nothing to give to her but a blurry mind and the hell of a bad conscience.


That's not how I want to be. This is not going to get any better without me changing things. I have to deal with the fact that at the moment it controls me. But I want to control it. I know I can do it, because I already did it last time.


- I will stay away from any erotic chats
- I will not answer any mails from my online contacts that would always persuade me into coming back to them (because they themselves are addicts - fact!)
- I will not have to lie to my wonderful girlfriend anymore and I will enjoy the feeling of natural lust whenever WE feel like it and not whenever my libido feels like it
- I will participate in this community and help others to achieve their goals
- I will be honest to myself and others


Thanks.

2
When I come home drunk and my computer whispers "swith me on!" - it's hard to resist.

When friends talk about masturbation like it was as normal as breathing - it's hard to resist.

When a poster announces the invitation of an American porn star to my local club - it's hard to resist.

When my girlfriend is out and I have the appartment all for myself - it's hard to resist.

When joy seems just one click away - it's hard to resist.

When I feel low and porn promises to show me what limitless sensation feels like in first person - it's hard to resist.

When I feel high and successful and want to reward myself - it's hard to resist.

When I am let down by a flirt at the bar - it's hard to resist.

When my body is flooded by testosterone - it's hard to resist.

When hot celebrities pose on public TV - it's hard to resist.

When boredom takes over - it's hard to resist.

When I know it's there whenever I'd like to use it - it's hard to resist.

When I realize that porn is the only companionship I seek at the moment - it's hard to resist.

When I fantasize about the sexy girl that sat next to me in the bus the other day - it's hard to resist.

When normal sex appears boring and my mind shifts through alternatives - it's hard to resist.

When I get horny for no reason - it's hard to resist.

When I feel like my balls want to explode but there is no one I can talk to - it's hard to resist.


When life challanges me,
When demons tempt me,
When it's just so fucking hard to resist,
Because everything seems so complicated

Then I need to find a way out of that circle,
And that way needs to be simple.

I clench my teeth
I break the chains.

I simply...
Don't.





3
Hey guys,

I just found this very interesting article via "I fucking love science": http://www.iflscience.com/brain/sexual-preference-rats-influenced-oxytocin-and-dopamine

Story in short (although I highly suggest your read through the article yourself):
Rats were treated with different drugs. Dopamine was a big player (as always), but also quinpirole and oxytocin (which is released after the orgasm and helps us bond with the partner). Scientists were able to reward male rats for having contact with other male rats until they finally chose male partners over sexually receptive females - even after the medication stopped. They even noticed physical changes in their brains.

This is creepy. Basically what we all did was something very similar...we rewarded ourself for virtually coupling with all sorts of women and men. No wonder that many addicts claim they feel seriously attracted to shemales or experience a fetish for something they have never tried out in real life.

4
Porn Addiction / Risks inherent in this forum
« on: February 11, 2015, 09:42:32 AM »
Hello fellow rebooters!

Today I was browsing the Stats of this forum. And guess what I found out? The topic "Women's addiction" is ranked #8 in the "most viewed" section (8156 views as of right now). Yet, with 156 replies it's far behind the top 10 of "posts in topics".

I know for myself that I need to be very careful at how I communicate with women via internet. The danger for me is way higher than porn videos, since my problems mostly stem from erotic chats. I was wondering if others had the same issue. I think I couldn't provide good advice to porn addicted women since it would turn me on in a very bizarre kind of way. That again leads to another awareness of mine: how much harder is it for gay men to find and give help by the very target group of their desires?

And, as a bottom line: how do you all deal with the sometimes unexpected risks of using this site? Has it ever happened to you that a good intention of someone had an unwanted negative effect on you?

5
Dear campaigners,

today I want to give this community something back for all the good it has offered to me. That something is a piece of knowledge I have gathered over the years. Since childhood I have always been fascinated about what our brain is able to do - most of it happening without active recognition. The more I learned about this topic, the more I tried out and the more I found suitable ways to gain some control over my own subconsciousness. Hoping it will change your perspective on the conglomerate of "addiction, satisfaction, heteronomy", I'd like to share some ideas and techniques with you. If you have any questions about them, or you want to add your own ideas, please all feel free to discuss it in this thread together!
 
Technique one - Self-revelation and self-acceptance
 
The problem: Whenever we feel like we want to change a big part of our life and whenever we feel like there is something we've done incredibly wrong, we should take some time and forgive ourselves. Of course we often need to clean up the mess we've made, like people here need to get things straight after their partners found out, or they struggle really hard with other consequences. But this fight may never lead to us losing faith in ourselves. Who else is going to stay loyal if we ourselves don't? I often heard statements like "If I was to forgive myself, wouldn't that be like an absolution to do it again next time?". The answer is: no, because there is a difference. No cheap trick. And, seriously, I see many people here who need some support - even if it is given by themselves.

The solution: Stay positive without defining down what you did. Formulate a sentence of self-revelation and self-acceptance. This sentence always has the same structure: it starts with "although..." or "even though..." or "even if...", followed by the nature of what bothers you and a statement of self-acceptance. One example could be "Although I struggle with a sever porn addiction, I like myself just the way I am".
The point is, however, that tiny little details can change the whole meaning - subtle or evident - of the sentence! You are asked to try out many different ways of expressing what you feel. Go for "I want to" or "I need to" or "I have to" or "I should"...they've all got a different meaning. "I like myself", "I like what I do", "I like who I am", "I love myself", "I am pleased with myself" ... make your choice until the sentence reaches YOU in particular for 100%. Never link the message of self-acceptance with a condition! You need to learn to love yourself (again) no matter what you did or do. Once you are finished, write the sentence onto a sheet of paper and repeat it whenever you feel like you need some positive energy. First practice reading it. At some point you will now be able to cite it by heart . Say it, feel it. As a last step: talk to yourself while looking into your eyes through a mirror. It is very important that you MEAN what you say. It is not just repeating words, it is accepting the truth of every single letter of it.

Why it works: psychology of acceptance is long considered a valuable tool for raising self esteem. Also, by admitting you have a problem, you are less likely to relapse. It has been found that by accepting a problem, it loses power over your subconscious mind. Just like a monster tends to vanish in your nightmares as soon as you realize the whole setting is not real.


Technique Two - Visualizing

The problem: Some people tend to express such sad statements like "I can't imagine a life without porn". I am certain that the word "imagine" is no coincidence in this case. Since it's easier to visualize things that happen or have happened to us, we like to stick to the familiar world and the familiar scenarios. That can be a problem when your reality is soaked with unwanted behaviour (like excessive porn consumption). It has become such a big part of our lives that we find it hard to imagine a world without. Just like a world without music, candy or television. We get stuck and find ourselves in a bubble where every thought springs from our very mind and can only create images of the world we already live in (and partially suffer from). So you could say: What we experience in our world, influences the images we visualize. Ask a shy person how he imagines talking to a beautiful woman and he'll say "I talk to her and I am let down" - it is the only probable scenario he could think of.
 
The solution: Good news - the process works in both directions! Not only affect our experiences the way we behave, but also can a strong visualization of an imaginary behavior change the way we perceive our world. Here's the deal: take your time and think about a situation in the past where you now think you reacted wrong. It could be a relapse to porn after any sort of stress trigger or also a different topic that keeps bugging you. It is important that you re-live the situation all over again. How was your state of emotion? What did you feel? What triggered you to do it? Once you have the image clear in front of you, you turn back time as if you were watching your life on DVD. You live the situation again and change some of the details remembered. You felt sad and alone, so you logged onto a racy site? Go back and visualize how you leave the computer behind, say out load "No!" and instead call a friend to meet up and take a walk. Or you put on your sport shoes and go for a run in the park - whatever it is you should/could have done instead. You can even visualize a situation that has never happened but COULD have happened. Visualize yourself in 7 months, how you talk to a girl simply because you like her smile. How you feel the romance without any spoiling pornographic thought. Imagine how good you feel, how positive you are. It's not just a goal - it happens in your mind, so it is real. Visualize your counter on day 89 on a bright sunny day. Visualize how your partner comes back to you because she realized you've been brave and won the fight. Take small steps at the beginning. Practise to retroactively say "no!" to porn. Your emotions will follow to every scenario you picture. Take your time and don't forget the details. Make the thoughts as vivid as you can.
 
Why it works: W.I. Thomas and D.S. Thomas once formulated one of the most important theories of sociology. They said "If men define situations as real, they ARE real in their consequences". And it is true. "Reality" is a paradoxal contradiction. There is no such thing as an objective truth. Truth is what the majority of people once defined as true. But if you are certain about something, all your actions will be based on the assumption that a special thought of yours mirrors the truth without any doubt. Once you've changed your perception, your reality will follow. What you visualize IS real in your consequences. You might know persons who think they were ugly, so accordingly they appear ugly because their radiation is all self-negative. On the other hand you don't have to be a super model to be pretty...it's enough to act on this assumption. When your subconsciousness starts accepting a new truth you provide, it will change your behaviour siginificantly.

 
Technique Three - Positive phrasing

The problem: Basically this is very similar to the technique above. We are all aware of how we say the things we think. But did you know that we also think the way we speak? So how could it be of any use saying things like "the heck, I am not going to make it anyway. It did not work the last 3 times, why should it now?" or even pseudo-funny things like "Don't bother - I'm a hopeless case...haha". Why would we ever want to say something that's completely the opposite of our former plans of recovering? It's because we want to spare ourselves the frustration of failing. By forestalling the negative outcome of our project, we aim at reducing the time of suffering. But we also deprive ourselves of the only chance we have. Others however use negative phrases as understatements which are meant to motivate us to continue. This effect is often seen in sports when coaches make the enemy team appear as invincible opponents to get the last piece of fighting spirit out of their own players. But this should be done wisely as there is a good chance of destroying the little spark instead of igniting the big fire.
 
The solution: Always phrase positively. Let me challenge you! Tell someone what he/she should do and avoid all words of negation. So instead of "Don't be mad at me" you say "please have patience with me". Instead of "I am not good at talking to strangers" you say "I lack of courage to talk to stranger" or even "I am better at talking to familiar persons rather than strangers". You will soon recognize how difficult this is! Some people suggest we should talk like this anytime throughout the day. I say that's crap, because negations are there for a reason and there are some times where positive phrases just are too far away from the intended meaning of your statement. But phrases of central nature to your recovery should always avoid negative words. The old familiar "yes, I can do it!" motivation phrase: it works - believe it or not. But do abandon "I will not watch porn" in favor of "I will live and enjoy a porn-free life".

Why it works: Deep inside we always know what we REALLY mean when saying something. We detect fake-sarcasm in our own words when it was intended in the first place. Our subconsciousness, however, struggles with these tricks. We get into a contradiction between what we say and what we feel. And when we speak negatively, the path is even clearer. And it leads into the wrong direction. You may have heard that subconsciousness cannot process words like "no", "not", "none" etc. That has been disproven, but it stays a difficult task for us and needs some extra ressources...which sometimes we don't have available (just like grumpy people tend to overhear sarcasm). Same as technique two: what we define as real, is real in our consequences. Make some central statements become your new reality. Phrase them positively and enjoy their effect on how you perceive yourself and the things you do. 


[to be continued in next post]

6
Porn Addiction / Know your sources of danger
« on: January 03, 2015, 07:51:19 AM »
Dear all,

a topic that has been preying on my mind for months and years. And I would like to discuss it with you. Before you read: we will be talking about different sources of "danger". Media that haunt you and are to blame for your being here seeking help. People who are quick to relapse might not want to follow this thread as it could contain specific triggers.

That said...I want to put a thesis up for discussion. It is not only porn. Or we might have to redefine what porn really is. Commonly we all speak of pornographic material as something we can have a look at. Exposed nudity and sex scenes. Today it is mainly internet videos, but it used to be pictures and magazines. We could, e.g., argue if the Playboy is a porn magazine. Definetely I would not dare look at one during my time of recovery, but did it do any harm when we did it a few years ago? Is fapping while looking at playmate of the month PMOing? Well, for some it is, for some it ss not. That's my point.

We all had and have different "sources" that pose(d) a threat for the healthiness of our sexuality. This is mine:

The longer I kept clear from porn videos, the more I understood that these videos were harmful, but they were not my worst enemy. What I "miss" the most, is intimate conversational online contact to other women. I had been on chat rooms. Sometimes explicit erotic chats where cs and erotic role play games were performed. But sometimes it was just regular chats. Talking to other women, complimenting on them, flirting with them. That is my worst enemy. You could say now that mere talking cannot spoil sexuality, but for me it clearly has. It has an effect on me and the relationship to my girlfriend. My desire to cheat on her had grown stronger and stronger over the years. In the role play games, I could be anyone. And she could be anyone, too. I enjoyed playing the submissive boy from time to time. And then I'd be the dominant man, acting out all my darkest fantasies. Everything was possible. I was proud to be so "open minded" while really all I did is creating and feeding fetishes. I became more and more a pervert in the online world and now I am afraid it could have also affected real life. That's why I had to stop. That's why I am here. While chatting, I kept erections up for several hours, emptying all reserves of dopamine to the very last drop. And now exactly that has become a problem.

I can stay away from porn sites. I don't feel these urges at the moment. But lately I was shocked to find out, how much I was craving contact to females. I was shocked to find out that I was turned on by the "Partners of Rebooters and Addicts" section here, just because it's mostly women who post there (I had to cool down a little until I could reply to these threads on a rational basis). I've made my play partners slip into the role of my female friends. Now everytime I look at them, these fantasies come back into my mind. I have female online friends on several forums and I know now I'd better quit many, if not most of them.

I think I lost track about which fantasies are ok and which are not. When talking to a girl I always have to search my mind: do I do that because I find it arousing talking to her? Or do I do it because I simply like her and like to hear what she has to say. Would I have the same converstaion if she was a man? Getting rid of this habit is incredibly difficult. But if I don't do it, staying away from sex videos won't heal me, I think.

So what's up with you? Are the videos really your only problem? Has it affected different parts of your life and your interactions with other women, too? Do these problems all go hand in hand?


7
Ages 20-29 / The experiment that has become my new life
« on: December 23, 2014, 12:03:21 PM »
Hey guys,

being here is a spontaneous decision. I haven't been through much trouble, yet I am concerned about the things I read here, since they seem so logic and make me anxious.
I found a video where the effects of porn consumption were explained in detail. I recognized myself in some, but not in all of the symptoms. Still, I was afraid of the things that might be ahead of me. So I decided to join and dare the experiment.

A few things about me: I am a 27yo from Germany. I am working on my PhD right now and I have been together with my girlfriend for 3 years. It is hard for me to tell if I am a real hardcore addict...sometimes I can do without porn for several days (and I find it easier and easier with every more day I live without), but at the same time, excitement keeps growing. That means: the longer I resign porn, the more I get excited about trying it next time. In my teenage days I had "weeks without", only to count back the days when I'd finally do it again and enjoy it even more.

I do not precisely suffer from ED, but I noticed some problems in my relationship: at days of heavy porn consumption, I'd be unable to have sex with my girlfriend. I did not want to and I was not able to. It works, however, when I PMO in the morning and have sex with here at night. As long as I stick to this procedure, "everything" seemed to be fine. But I often would not stick to it. I know when she's having her menstruation and allow myself to watch porn more often at that time. Sometimes we have a fight and I know she will be upset at night - so I turn on the computer... I know I won't let her down tonight, because she wouldn't even want me to try. Now that I write that down it sounds truly pathetic, but I know that you guys suffer from similar problems, so I am not afraid to tell the truth.

My main problem is not only porn videos, but erotic chats. They take up hours! I used to log onto that sites and play erotic roleplay games. People with similar taste, bringing me joy for hours and hours! I kept my errection up for all that time, leaving me completely exhausted at the end of the day. Whenever I tell myself to "just check out if there are some interesting people on the chat" I instantly know that it will take at least 2 hours. But I don't resist.

I found out about internet porn when I was 12 or 13. It was hard to find good stuff - mostly pictures. Then there came the videos where you had to pick only by the title...most of them only 15sec long. Then there came the sites with videos being categorized and displayed with previews. Videos became better and better! The bar has been raised year by year. The newest thing I have discovered is HD and I found out that any videos in "lower" quality bore me by now. This makes me wonder: where is this all leading to? What else do I consider boring today that I would love if I hadn't gotten in touch with porn?

I am eager to find out. Now is the time I can find out what changes an abandonment can bring. I will find out how addicted I am. I will also find out how I love my partner with no porn as a backup. How to fight without knowing that there is an equivalent substitute for sex. How many things I can achieve with true motivation!

This is going to be continued. Thanks for reading!

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