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Topics - Nikola Numez

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Ages 20-29 / changed for good and how maybe you could too
« on: July 08, 2019, 05:09:58 PM »
i changed for good. for real good. no more suicidal thoughts, no more depression, no more self hate. im sooo much more alive last couple of weeks. its here to stay for sure, it does not go away. its not a day or two, or a week thing. its not just a hype (positive thinking and visualization which always ends up in a crash and endless loop of bouncing from rock bottom back and forth).

people around me sometimes askin if i been drinking or something because i feel and act like im perfectly drunk (not too much, nor wishing for another sip). actually i stopped drinking 3 weeks ago. i been drinking for a year or so pretty regularly so they automatically think im drinking when i feel and act relaxed and socially engaged, loud and clear and energetic.

my problem was the absolute hate i felt towards myself for a decade. every day i wanted a mma match against myself. i wanted to absolutely rearrange my face. just a horrible existence day in and day out. i was never a fan of positive thinking. i always thought thats just lying myself and i always kept it real with myself. i really really like that i always try to keep it real with myself. pursuing six packs, good clothes and shit like that was never my goal for self acceptance because its just an outside thing and i hated myself from the inside. i thought wanting all that outside thing is even more dumb because it has nothing to do with me loving myself more its just about others approving of me more. just another bullshit.

so with positive thinking and six pack abs, success, more money and all that crap out of the picture, i started thinking how i can really truly love myself without looking for outside approval and without bullshitting myself. it seemed impossible for a long time. im not gonna say to myself good things and look for positive things in myself if i feel suicidal. i love keeping it real, i aint never changing that. so there i figured out solution. i tried loving myself exactly as i am. im not lying that im smart, good looking, good guy. not everyone can be all pretty, confident, determined, generous man or woman. a lot of us are plain dumb fucks, ugly ass bitches, cheats, liars and straight up failures. fuck trying to paint a good picture when at the core its fake and its just a facade trying to fool yourself. fake it till you make it they say, which can be true for some things but not for self love. self love must be true from the start or it falls apart as soon as you hit the next curb.

i figured i dont really need to be good, smart, pretty, successful, porn free or anything..... such a burden off my soul. it actually took relatively really short time of trying to love myself exactly as i am, to change tremendously. from rock bottom suicidal guy who absolutely truly and very passionately despise himself, i became average joe or maybe even little above average, in 3 weeks. i would say in 3 days actually, because i felt such a difference after those 3 days that i just lost the motivation to keep going and enjoyed new me since then but im not done yet. its going to be an ongoing process. i feel like there is no end to this. i see people with huge capacities for self acceptance and i see a lot of room to improve.

ironically i started to think 200% more positively about myself without trying. i dont think im dumb anymore, i think im intelligent and its real to me. i may not be so smart, i dont know a lot of things like other people, i never liked school, i dont read a lot of books, but im intelligent. im honest, i know whats important and what is distraction. being fat is no longer such a big deal. the type of food i eat became more valuable point of focus, not # of pounds. i lost couple of pounds in these 3 weeks, without trying. i stopped drinking. when i talk with people im so much sharper. im loud and clear and social. no more afraid to make a sound.

i changed big time, without dealing with porn addiction and i see a lot more clearly where and how porn addiction affects me. porn addiction was the root of evil for me until i figured that despising yourself day in and day out cant be good either and maybe trying to change that could be a smart way to go about life in general, not just porn addiction. i still fuck up with relapses, im just an average joe, but holy gods its another world. now i totally understand average joes. i understand how they have the will to live and how the obstacles in life dont bother them for too long. they cant grasp idea of suicide. simple interactions, hanging out, goals and shit like that is fun. my voice is total shit and i occasionally sing sometimes. must be weird for my family to see me like this. my mother changed and is more engaging with me, we never talked too much for too long. i find family more fun to hang around. i just wanna fucking jump from my chair sometimes and sing and dance and laugh. im no more that guy who indirectly brings everyone down with so low energy and total unwillingness to joke around. now we laughing our ass off at least once a day in my house.

i been on a such a low ride for such a long time i could easily live for life with occasional relapses and PIED, happier than a lot of people without porn addiction. still thats not an option and its still hard but it feels more possible. also i see where porn addiction is bugging me, it really does not makes me suicidal. i was making myself suicidal. i thought porn addiction was the really root of everything because if my brain is fucked, im fucked too. there was no point in working on something besides healing my brain if im fucked up in the brain. yes there is disbalance in the brain, sleeping is worse, energy is sometimes lower, sometimes you dont feel like hanging out with people, sometimes im dizzy for few days after relapse. i have panic attacks. that is porn addiction, those are symptoms that are going away and cravings are coming in with time away from porn. the line between me sabotaging myself and porn addiction sabotaging myself is clearer.

i also learned that accepting something you think is bad about yourself, does not make you complacent. it elevate the suffering and shows you whether or not thats even a problem in the first place, and if it is, it gets you going in the right direction instead of just being stuck with it.

loving yourself BECAUSE you are the way you are, NOT because you will change, is a game changer. we cant all be nice people, we have so much insecurities and lack so many good things in our character, its ridiculous to hate or dont like yourself for it.




2
Ages 20-29 / starting again
« on: June 05, 2019, 04:48:40 PM »
okay im gonna start again. it cant hurt i guess. another journal, i havent done one in a while. i dont know what im gonna write but im gonna write something. i have no special title for this journal because this reboot does not feel any different than 100s of others i previously failed. yes i relapsed 100s of times. i know some people are like "keep going i failed 30 times before recovering" but not me. when i recover its gonna be like... i dont even know let me think about it... holy crap around 1000-1500 times. i used calculator for this one because its been years and i fail multiple times a day sometimes so its hard to calculate it in my head. sometimes i relapse in the morning and then i feel determined "like never before" not to do it ever again and fail by the evening of the same day. no wonder i wanna kill myself. over thousand relapses...

my last relapse was on june 3rd. that was 2 days ago. its close to midnight so its gonna be 3 days soon. i started this journal because i realized i have no accountability partner and this can make me more determined to quit. i guess someone will read and the more people are reading i may feel more obliged to keep going when the going gets tough.

....i just wrote a big post shitting on my life, how bad it is. i realized i feel bad when i do that so i deleted it. maybe i will start mixing something good with something bad but its too late now to write another story so good night everyone. 

3
Porn Addiction / excluding PIED
« on: May 20, 2019, 06:56:44 PM »
i know PIED is the main reason most of us recognized we are addicted to porn. excluding PIED, does anyone feel porn affected them?

i became a lot less active because all the talk is about penises. morning wood, spontaneous erections and sex performance are the very least worry in my book of porn addiction negative effects so i wonder if anyone feel like porn affected his memory, focus, sleep, motivation, energy, socializing, enjoyment etc.? something outside of sex life.


4
Porn Addiction / back in the 80s
« on: May 18, 2019, 05:05:54 PM »
im watching only fools and horses and i think to myself what an awesome time it was. imagine having no internet, no mobile phones and no cable tv. people were really living it. now its a big deal to get 100 likes on instagram picture, back then it was a thing to approach a girl in a club.

for the last few months i got myself old nokia 3310 but im still so far away from having a real 80s experience. i cant ever get it. it was really good time to socialize and hang out with people without notifications distracting every interaction. there must be a real positive reason i was born in such a new, high tech and pornified age though.

this post is a waste, im just rumbling to myself really. its not against the rules so i guess im good.


5
Ages 20-29 / i would just like to
« on: January 07, 2019, 06:26:47 PM »
i would just like to quit porn. is that too much to strive for? i mean do i have to really suffer, strive, plan, give my best and fail every time for that? for years? come on, can i catch a break?

this is not a joke and shit, why cant i fucking quit after years of struggling? half a decade is not enough to stop porn addiction?

you know what, i been warned here and my post got deleted for posting on someone's post because original poster did not wanted any responses (only private messages maybe). now i request that same shit and wonder if its gonna come to fruition. do not post anything because i can sense some advice coming and my automatic response is to imaginary smash that someone's jaw. to pieces. after years of struggle the last thing i need is some advice, like i cant find some.


6
Porn Addiction / happy new year
« on: January 01, 2019, 04:12:34 AM »
happy new year and i wish you easy hangover.

7
Ages 20-29 / i cant believe im the most active member of this forum
« on: December 25, 2018, 05:18:55 PM »
i cant believe im the most active member of this forum. i feel very average in terms of everything, to think that im THE MOST ACTIVE guy here buffles me. i dont have any meetings, friends or institution to help me with porn addiction so this is pretty much it but still... its not like there are 10 members here. im the most active among 10000+ members. that is absolutely wicked. i also average only 1 post per day, pretty average for a guy who have nowhere to go and struggles with porn addiction. today yesterday and so on i posted multiple posts per day so who knows how many days i was away and still... im in the big lead. its weeeiirdd

im doing very good this time. im doing 15 days. maybe i figured it out this time because i figured something out. only time will tell if what i figured out works and if i succeed i will share my recipe. i feel responsible to succeed, being the guy with the all time most posts. if the most active guy here does not quit porn and succeeds what is the point of this forum.

yesterday i felt the dullest in my life. its a lot worse then feeling suicidal or deeply depressed. i know that because i felt both, multiple times. i think thats because i dont indulge in any form of thinking about PMO and when i think about it i cause pain to myself to redirect my attention and at the same time associate PMO/MO with pain, so i automatically think less about PMOing or MOing. i felt so bad and dull that i thought my brain cant possibly keep feeling so dull for longer than 24h and it was true. i felt better today afternoon. it does not mean i will not feel even worse, im only 15 days and this time im going very professional about it. the more serious you are about reboot, the worse you feel because you dont allow any slip ups and less slip ups is less "food" for the brain which means harder withdrawals.

you can only read and listen about withdrawal symptoms and struggles of reboot but to experience it is another thing completely.

to end this post. again. im the most active guy here. imagine if you were one. i feel exactly the same. tha fuck. i need to show you whats up and how to quit this. if i quit this time, being the most active is gonna pay off because the last concept for quitting is actually coming from some other member here and if i was not so active i would have missed it because there are so many posts here every day.

8
Ages 20-29 / 10 days withdrawal symptoms
« on: December 20, 2018, 12:52:11 PM »
im 10+ days in.

- my brain fog and thinking is out of the window. my colleague broke some glass on work today and before i picked it up i took of my gloves. i do stupid shit like that all the time and feel like total retard.
- i meditated turned off all sounds for 10 mins today and realized how shallow im breathing. i felt big fear like fear of death, i felt panic. im anxious all the time.
- im sweating but im cold. like am i recovering from heroin or something.
- i remember when i was worried about flatline, morning wood, spontaneous erections, first time i was rebooting. i progressed a lot since then. i progressed a lot deeper into addiction even while PMOing around 3x less frequently due to constant fighting to quit, never giving up. no matter how much i cut on PMO withdrawals and addiction is only getting worse. 
- yesterday i woke up scared to death, i had huge nightmare that turned into panic attack i couldnt move for few seconds. basically woke up dead.
- constantly fatigued but cant sleep good at night so i need a nap every day.

panic attacks caused me to visit doctors and check myself from head to feet on 2 different occasions, some time ago. i couldnt connect it to withdrawal i thought i was dying. i kind of feel its all withdrawal again since obviously im rebooting and got myself to double digits again but symptoms never fail amaze me and scare me and make me question if life is worth living.

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Ages 20-29 / idk
« on: November 17, 2018, 10:14:19 AM »
after todays relapse im really tired of being tired. im not even tired, im done. i know people would say oh he only had 26 years but live in isolation for a decade and how many years you have does not matter. i have nobody around me that i can say "yo, i am fucked up, i need serious help, change of scenery, or im gone". there is no person like that for me. not even close.

im just expressing my current depression because i have to somewhere. there is no option to block it but i would like for nobody to reply i dont need that. i dont need online support it does not mean anything.

imma drink some beer install some video game and play and hopefully feel better. yadayadayada bad idea i know everything so cut it.

really not replying is the best support i could get.  i just need to lash out and miss everyone. im tired of offline "you struggling to quit? why you struggle, keep watching then and just forget about it" and online "go to bed earlier, socialize yada yada yada" its all BULLSHIT, its agitating and it does not help.




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Ages 20-29 / truly pissed off
« on: November 04, 2018, 05:47:28 PM »
just wanna let you that im truly pissed off at this.

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Ages 20-29 / 10 days
« on: September 06, 2018, 03:01:55 PM »
double digits!! prodao sam danas nekih memorija ram zato imam kesa da varim ceo dan.

im 10 days clean like a whistle. applaud to that. what an achievement, bow down.


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Ages 20-29 / crying and breaking things?
« on: August 22, 2018, 12:25:32 PM »
i been crying and breaking things today. i get soooo easily pissed off its not even possible for you to realize it. it happens when im alone though. its impossible to get this nuts around people i guess its just brain knows when to flip out and when to act normal i guess.

does crying and extreme anger and frustration happen at the same time or one after another when you are alone??? do you cry like a bitch and put break your walls in the house at the same time or something like that?????????

13
Ages 20-29 / nothing really matters
« on: August 09, 2018, 04:20:18 PM »
i finally found a ok job. i work as a mover, its very hard but im okay with that. im not working too long hours and if i do i get paid properly. i can finally drink and eat whatever i want, i have free time, i can buy stuff i want, when im hanging out with friends i can pay for everything, i can pay bills, i can save, i can buy something for the house etc. sounds like a lot of money, its not but its great money for someone who was broke since the beginning. i got girl who is into me, im healthy, im working out, im satisfied with my looks. cant have it all (or can we?) but im definitely "happy" about my current circumstances. this is something i been wanting forever.

im discovering about new depths of depression. i feel worse with each new thing i achieve. its like im just confirming to myself that nothing really matters.

i dont want anything no more, except 1 more thing. i want to quit porn. 01.avg was my last time so its 9 days now. i feel like thats the only thing left for me to do on this planet in this lifetime... its not exciting goal, nothing is. nothing excites me but its the goal for me to achieve once and for all. i dont know how im gonna do it. actually watching porn is the only thing that gives me REAL pleasure. everything else is very dull and numb.

its not like i havent been trying. before these 9 days i was clean for 10 days and so on. i have binge periods of 2-3 days but always struggling to quit. i tried everything thats why i dont know how im gonna do this. still, its the one thing left for me to do.

14
Success Stories / success: date
« on: August 02, 2018, 03:50:50 PM »
i had a date with a pretty girl today. i told her about my addiction, im high school dropout, she already knows im not rich we met through my job, im video gamer, i have no goals etc. she messaged me after date. success for me, big one. i dont care about marriage, kids or any long term thing. im pretty short term when it comes to girls so its big success. if you can call it success, im just happy about it.

total failure in terms of my feelings because i felt totally limp, i mentally know im attracted to her but physically im failing big time. couple of reaction but for short time, feeling very dead as expected. this porn addiction is the biggest problem in my life, its totally devastating, as i said it to her. im sure she cant really understand it.

i also noticed that i suck at video games during reboot and after relapse i blossom. this porn addiction is hell of a lot worse than we can imagine, it impacts our lives completely in every area because brain is involved in all areas of life. 

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Success Stories / 30 fukkin dayz
« on: June 29, 2018, 04:00:37 PM »
30 days. feels like a year

i found a job, 6 days 8-9h per day. thats 48h+ away from internet and around people +all my coworkers are women. big change for me but it works. i had few cravings but nothing too bad still. i know the worst is yet to come but this is huge success for me. 30 days, holy shit im going to kill myself if i fuck it up i cant even imagine going back now.



16
Ages 20-29 / f
« on: June 18, 2018, 12:08:14 PM »
just wanted to write something.

im feeling so sucky. im emotionally fragile. i get upset so easy. i feel total disapproval and separation from this life in totality, real quickly for some silly reason someone says something or i lose something and i just want to go away, die.

thinking about dying is actually giving me less depression than not thinking about it. its like a remainder that if things go any worse i can just end it.

im utter worthless piece of used up toilet brush.

i can end it though, it gives me options. having an option to end this feels better then being stuck with this.

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Ages 20-29 / failure journal
« on: May 30, 2018, 03:49:49 PM »
i failed miserably. again. how else to fail than miserably. i PMOed after 12 days.

im totally devastated, i want the end. im stuck with this. i dont want no advice from anyone, i want to end this.

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Success Stories / 10 whole days
« on: May 28, 2018, 10:59:40 AM »
i miss these. i havent succeeded in any way shape of form recently, its good to have something worth considering a success. 10 days, double digits on my belt.

today and yesterday, but especially today i can feel the craving. just when the panic attacks, anxiety, fear and all that lessens, the craving, moodiness, agitation, anger creeps up. craving is the worst.

good luck everyone.

19
Porn Addiction / Success Story
« on: March 03, 2018, 06:30:23 PM »
This is success story. I listened to snoop dogg vato and managed to do 10 push ups, 5 pull ups (im coach potato), ran 5 kilometers and asked random girl for a date ( got slapped )  in 1 day.

Tomorrow im gonna find a girlfrriend. Peace out. You can do it!

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Ages 20-29 / No Porn Today
« on: December 28, 2017, 01:11:48 PM »
Today is day 14 of my reboot. I'm done starting journals 2 days after my last session. I relapsed probably close to 100 times within first 2 weeks, I'm tired of writing and deleting journals. I delete it when I relapse because I collapse and cant stand that I failed again.

I had panic attacks, headache, trouble with sleeping, cold/hot sweats, wicked dreams (escaping, falling, dying, seizures, incest etc.), strong loneliness, today I had stomachache. I really don't know what is withdrawal what is not but I always get physically, mentally and emotionally sick when I go to reboot.

Last time I was writing journal I found out something about me and my relationship with porn so I'm doing it again.

Its 0700 PM and I'm planning to stay clean today. 

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Success Stories / almost week clear
« on: September 21, 2017, 01:26:42 PM »
im 4 hours away from 6 days being clean and that is 1 day away from being clean for a whole week. how gangsta is that? its gangsta enough for me to get wasted and do some dumb shit that i will regret tomorrow morning!!


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Ages 20-29 / 10 days
« on: June 17, 2017, 01:42:53 PM »
bottom rock. im clean since june 7 so thats 10 days. im feeling like faeces. no wonder i relapse every time. all the worst feelings i ever had are having a party and i dont know how long is this rave going to last because i always end it with relapse.

if there was a way of dying instantly without expecting it or having to do anything about it, i would like it to happen to me sooner rather than later. i dont know how im going to sleep tonight. i could write so much shit right now, i could write forever but i will go walk my dogs and hope not to bump into anyone on the street.

23
Porn Addiction / Have patience
« on: April 21, 2017, 05:47:24 PM »
im not even 2 weeks clean but patience will pay off, in some distant future extraterrestrials will land on planet and i want to be fully recovered by that time. thats my motivation now because it seems like having healthy sex couldnt motivate me enough.

btw i found this picture on YBOP   ;D

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Porn Addiction / heroin vs porn brain images
« on: April 15, 2017, 05:19:48 PM »
i found this picture. it woke me up a little. now all the anxiety, depression, insomnia, pied, cravings, fogginess, low energy, numbness to life, no purpose in life, disorganization, panic attacks.... makes more sense... and quitting makes more sense too.



25
Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction/Delayed Ejaculation / merry new year!
« on: December 31, 2016, 04:48:18 PM »
happy NYE, have a blast tonight for me im sick and im pretty sure i will just go to sleep before countdown moment. 34 days clean, wooha  :)

lets get back our erections in 2017  8) oh and since i realized there are girls here, lets just get off porn  8)

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