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Topics - Kaybee

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Porn Addiction / Christian Support Group
« on: May 17, 2014, 01:51:25 AM »
Hey guys, I noticed that there are a lot of Christians on here, and because the struggle to overcome porn addiction is so intertwined with our faith for a lot of us, I thought it would be nice if we could all talk and support each other in that context. That being said, non-Christians are definitely welcome here too! I've read other people's journals about having difficulty with rebooting because sex before marriage is off limits for them, or even masturbation. Does anyone have any advice in those situations? How has your relationship with God helped you with your recovery? How has your addiction conflicted your relationship with Him? Anyone have any good scripture to share? Join in!
I know that for myself, one of the biggest problems has been believing that God actually forgives me for some of the things I've done, when I can't forgive myself. His love is literally too deep for me to fathom.
I look forward to hearing from you guys! :D

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Women / Women's Addiction
« on: April 01, 2014, 03:01:51 AM »
Hi everyone,
So I thought I would share my story because I noticed that the other women here so far could only express their conflict with porn through their significant other's experience. Not to say that their issues aren't as important as mine, because they definitely are, but I thought I could offer another side of the story.
I am a 22 year old woman, and I have been using pornography, first photos then videos, since I was exposed to it at the age of 10. I was at a girl in my grade's house and we decided to do an image search for 'sex'. That was the first time I ever saw a pornographic image and it has stuck with me all this time. I was at first terrified that somebody would find out and we would both get in trouble, but nobody checked the history. After that, I started sneaking peeks at things while my parents were in the other room, and I found I got off on the danger of being caught. Unfortunately, I never was and my parents never spoke to me about how inappropriate the behavior was. 
When I was in my first year of high school at age 14, I met a young man who coerced me into a friends with benefits relationship that I was extremely uncomfortable with. That relationship resulted in more exposure to pornography as well as erotica and self-pleasuring. I would like to stress that this was an extremely unhealthy relationship where I held no power. I know that it is natural for teenagers to be curious about their bodies and to want to explore others' as well, but this was more of peer molestation. He suddenly ended it before my 15th birthday without warning, and I was devastated and relieved at the same time.
After that relationship, my self esteem was in pieces. It took 4 years before I was ready to tell people what had happened, and another year after than until I felt ready to date again.  During that time I turned to pornography. I would use it every single day some weeks, which was difficult because I shared the family computer with 4 other people. I had to become extremely creative in finding ways to cover my tracks, to hide my habit, to pretend that I didn't know anything about sex when I really knew much more than even my older brothers. I felt absolutely disgusted with myself. I was horrified by the things I saw. It was especially shocking for me, I think, because I was a woman watching abuses happen to other women. I internalized a lot of the things I saw. Like with most addicts, I found myself searching for darker and darker subject matter until I didn't even recognize myself anymore.
The biggest turning point in my story was when I was 19 years old. I no longer got as aroused by pornography as I once did, and I wanted to participate myself. All those years of watching  other women be objectified, abused, and disrespected somehow made me want to join them. I started going to adult live webchat sites. I started doing sexual acts on camera for men whose faces I couldn't even see. I deluded myself into thinking that they cared about me, or that they saw me as beautiful. In reality, I was just one of many women that they would see that day. After work I would come home and dedicate around 4 hours to my addiction. This continued for roughly one month. Finally, I broke down. The thought of being recorded and having people I love see those videos drove me to insanity. I was constantly worried about being recognized. When I went to the mall, I felt that every man in the mall knew who I was and what I had done. 
I decided to kill myself. My plan was to drive my car into a tree, or over a bridge so it would look like an accident and no one would ask why a good girl like me wanted to die. I know that this sounds incredibly drastic to a lot of you reading this, but that was how far I had drifted into despair. I remember just sitting in my room, staring at my hands, imagining them covered in blood. I closed my eyes and I prayed that I would have enough strength to make it through the night. I respect that some of you do not believe in God, but I do, and as complicated as having a porn addiction and being a Christian is, it is my reality. Thankfully, I did not get in my car that night. When the morning came I knew I should check myself into a 72 hour watch, but I couldn't admit to other people that I needed help. If you are in a similar situation, or are thinking about the same thing, I urge you to get help. It is not weak. It is strong to admit that you have a problem and that you can't do it on your own.  I wish that I was that strong.
Since then, I have quit the chatrooms. I still have nightmares about finding recordings of myself. Pornography is still an ongoing struggle that I wish I could quit. I have tried many times since the age of 15 to stop watching it, but I have never been successful for more than a month or two. Any advice, prayers, or camaraderie would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening to the pain pornography has caused in my life, I hope that it can help in yours. 

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