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Topics - neon tiger

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Ages 30-39 / Fitting Lyric fragments (and quotes)
« on: November 11, 2014, 07:36:26 AM »
I love music, and I often find in lyrics the words that speak my truth at any given time.  Theres so many lines that speak to this journey, i figured id start a thread for such quotes. Its not a journal, so i thought of keeping it separately.  Maybe others relate, so please post you own.

Now, the one that moved me to start it. A personal favorite, from my current favorite band (Phish)- and it just popped up on the radio:

I feel no curiosity
I see the path ahead of me
In a minute I'll be free
And you'll be splashing in the sea
We'll hear a tiny cry
As the ship goes sliding by
                      - Free, by Phish

Ages 30-39 / Lifting the fog...
« on: November 02, 2014, 03:33:40 PM »
Ive struggled with PMO for about fifteen years, and specifically with online porn over the last seven years or so. Before online, i was acting out on actual sexual behavior, and joined SAA, which was very helpful.  But my addictive behavior morphed into substance abuse, which led me to rehab and a major relocation (Puerto Rico to New England). With that on check, online porn became the latest manifestation of my addiction.  There have been some major accomplishments along the way, including giving up smoking, committing to exercise and healthy eating, and completing two post graduate degrees.   But what brings me to give reboot a serious committed chance is not so straightforward.

See, I have a condition on my right eye that comes and goes in response to stress, particularly the elevated levels of cortisol produced during extended period of stress. When it expresses itself, my retina goes from flat to a dome shape that distorts my vision (right now, everything through that eye looks mangled, squeezed in, drab and darker; the other eye compensates for the image, but I constantly feel my vision fighting to produce a clear image). Its been on and off for almost three years.

I just moved from a teaching to an administrative position, and the demands of this position are very high, not only in terms of tasks, but also in communication and relationships.  I have been almost in a sustained state of anxiety since September (of course the eye was going to act out).  But this is when PMO comes in the equation- a big part of the anxiety i experience comes from the inability (caused my PMO) to connect with others, and being in a high profile position where i have to communicate with employees, parents, and big stakeholders, is terrifying.  Also, i had to relocate for this job, so i left behind the small handful of people i did have in my life for friendship and support, plus i am single so i moved here my myself ( I tend to have a hard time connecting with others, socially and romantically- not sure if it is purely because of PMO, but it definitely amplifies it). I feel like PMO impairs my capacity to build relations in a new town and work setting because PMO has isolated me to the point of not having  anything to share, or relate to with others. I was very isolated in my previous setting too, but everything was familiar- the job and co-workers, the town, the neighborhood)

So rebooting looks like the only way for me to go (and i know that sounds very mental and rational, but i also mean it in a very fundamental way.  I want what everyone else does- a meaningful, fun, ands sexually satisfying relationship; a sense of belonging and a range of social circles to feel connected.  And I am starting to wonder if i missed my chance at a full, purposeful life for good).  But i have spent the entire day today reading and watching videos about rebooting and it seem like i am bracing myself for quite a daunting task. I don't know if i can afford the luxury to be inefficient at this job right now. I am not saying i won't give it a chance, but i need strategies and tools to get through this.

I already have two days with no fap. Today would be my third.  And today I deleted my dating apps (I have only been drawn sexually to men in my life, but i occasionally wonder if even that is true of myself, as i have attempted a few relations with men and haven't been able to get into them). 

Anyway, this is where i stand today. And i am writing to make myself accountable to this commitment. 

Any advise or words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated.

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