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Topics - imsorrynotsorry

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Ages 30-39 / My journal, my friend
« on: April 28, 2020, 04:11:29 AM »
Hello there,

i hope this will help me going through this process this time.

The story is, i discovered P when i was 14-15 and went on kind of regular daily basis of PMO. It became my daily bedtime routine over years. During that time the symptoms became stronger, but i didn't recognise it - you can imagine that.

I had several relationsships with girls all the time. I thought i'm just getting more nervous with girls and that´s why i doesn't work properly, but that wasn't the case. In around 2010 a friend of mine and i realised we´re in trouble, we´ve grown an addicition. So, we worked our way into the facts of that PIED-thing and we realised what it needs to overcome it. (you will later see, even though i did know all the mechanism and stuff, i fell back)

My first reboot started back in 2011 and i did quite good. I went clear for a long time, maybe 6 months without P, mostly wet dreams. That was the time when i as a person become more balanced and more confident with women. I wanted to find out if i could do normal with girls again, so i tried. Shockingly it didn't work out the way i hoped, but i got better and better. I felt that it also depends on the trust i have with the girl. The more trust, the better it worked - it was a relieve that i can have normal sex and experience normal urges, without going fetish or any absurd kind.

It then happened to me to have a girlfriend which had her own problems with an eating disorder (anorexia). We found our way to manage that, but during that time i lost my confidence in what i achieved as a P-free-person. Through the relationship with the eating disorder i got the feeling that it is okay for me to have a disorder as well, so i started relapsing. This mechanism is widely known i understand, minus and minus doesn't equal plus all the time. If you´ve read to this point, it doesn't stay that sad all the time, ok?

Years went by, she made therapy and went into a clinic, improved her life to a healthy point. During that time i didn't forbid P to me, it was kind of letting off steam somedays and was something that i can hold on - a controlling instrument. I was not doing it regularly, but often.

Looking back, it was weird when i did it. For example, when i have a good time with my girlfriend, even had good sex, the thought in my head came up 'you´ve reached a good level, reward yourself with some of what you really like'. I also relapsed after some things went bad, crisis in relationsship or sth like that.

All the time i still managed to do 10-20 days without P. I thought, opening only one tab and one video is not inducing the P-relevant issues. And i handled it like 'you don't have to forbid it yourself, you can do it whenever you want, it´s not relevant to do it today or in 10 days, because if you want to, you´ll do it'.
Today, i would like to think that this thought is completely wrong. Sadly i'm not exactly at that point, but that´s my goal to get there. I know now, that this mechanism is like keeping a flower by only giving her less water. It mustn't grow much, but it will keep alive as long as i give some drops of water (this is like a f***** cactus in the desert). I realised that, because the symptoms on the one hand got better, but didn't go away.

SO, i decided for a fresh start, becoming myself again. I'm looking at my daycount, which says 29 today, but i would like to think that this is not important. I had so many relapses in so many strange moments. The triggers will come, the urges will come and i want to keep the focus on those moments. Do you know these moments, when your brain is telling you all of a sudden 'it is totally ok to masturbate right now'? In the past i was completely powerless against those thoughts. They were so strong, that i thought 'hey, it can't be that bad if it feels like a natural urge' and in a way it is, i guess. But for me, the natural urge and the addictive urge - i can't seperate them. I´ve never learned how to, because i PMO´d before i actually was with a girl. This is why i want the addictive urges to decrease. This works better without doing anything right now.

Last time i relapsed around day 45. Well, this time we´ll see.

Résumé of what i feel, since stopping:
Day 29
no kind of libido
no urge to PMO or MO
increased consumption of chocolade, sugar stuff
increased consumption of beer (from 0 to 3-4 beers a week, ... :-)
morning wood is coming back, slowly

Thanks for reading, will try to keep you updated.


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