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Topics - ShadeTrenicin

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Porn Addiction / Donate link missing
« on: May 21, 2020, 03:01:39 PM »
Hey Guys,

I remember a while back that i saw a banner or link either here or on YBOP, about donating because (i forgot the institutions/persons name) was being sued by the porn industry or something?

Anyway, i wanted to donate but couldnt find the link and googling also didnt help.

Can anyone help me out?

Thanks in advance

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Wife of ST posting here
« on: May 03, 2020, 01:36:02 PM »
Hello everyone,

First an introduction: I’m the wife of shadetrenicin, who has been posting on this forum. I’m also not a native english speaker. Today I felt the need to write and share my story and my personal struggles as well as our struggles. This is posted with shadetrenicins permission, given this is also about him.

A few months ago ST admitted that he was addicted to porn and webcamsex. Although we’ve had difficulties with intimacy and he had shut me out almost completely emotionally, this came as a huge shock to me. Although I was angry at him for not being open with me sooner and that he had picked the worst timing (I was/am going through depression), there was also some sense of relief. Small cracks were manifesting in the dense walls around himself he had created and an opportunity arose to tackle the root causes of the marital problems we were experiencing. My personal theory is that addiction often arises because of shortage of love/guidance in some areas when growing up. I knew that if we wanted to make it together the only way was for him to learn to love himself and that he needed my support on this front. I also knew that I needed to avoid my personal trap; forgetting about my own feelings and my own development in this process. To avoid this trap, I will also write about my own psychological journey now.

The last time ST relapsed, he opened up to me about it. I told him that if he is able to be honest to himself and to me, that he could learn to beat this and that small relapses along the road might be part of the process (although preferably avoided of course). I told him that I saw that he was taking this seriously and worked really hard to stay clean and that that is enough for me at this moment. ST certainly has been much more willing to work on himself and the addiction lately. A huge relief, because we were getting more stuck as time went by. We have been together for 15+ years.

In our country, watching porn is more accepted than not. I have watched porn myself  and talked to my girlfriends about what best to watch. I distinctly remember our sex therapist saying that we shouldn’t feel guilt when watching porn years ago when I brought up that had doubts about it. That answer didn’t resonate well with me, because the guilt wasn’t a problem for both of us. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. Since our society is so open about porn, I find that if I talk about our marriage problems regarding porn that people (my closest friends) sometimes don’t understand what the issue is. A friend finds it hard to grasp the idea of porn/webcam-addiction, and that an addiction is inherently bad for your health and other aspects of life. She views porn as normal and didn’t think I minded the webcamsex, since I had forgiven him in the past on this issue. This has been frustrating for me.

My husband is a good man, but sometimes it is hard to see this through the glasses of my depression. I actually don’t like myself when I am that way, but I have to accept that this is the reality. He is very forgiving in this aspect.
Ten years ago I saw the webcamsex as some form of cheating and was afraid that I wasn’t  enough for him or some sort. Now that I know that it is an addiction I can see it as more separate from myself. It is an’ illness’, like my depression. We will fight together and support each other in the process of getting past our afflictions, because it is so very hard to get through them.
We both need to examine the root of our problems, which we sometimes don’t want to see, but we absolutely have to. I have been working long and hard on my mental issues. My goal is to start thinking and acting differently and learn to just be as my authentic imperfect self (and simultaneously be more accepting about these imperfect parts of me). I have had help from different therapists and have put different puzzle pieces together and in the right place. Unfortunately, it is a very large puzzle and due to my adhd I sometimes forget very important realisations, because I have so many of them. I have been working so hard on this, that it has been counterproductive in part. I think that if I give myself a little leeway, then there will be more space to grow. Change is difficult, because of that self critical voice inside my head, repeating over and over that I have to do better, try harder in so many aspects of my life. Work...marriage...working on myself...household chores...nutrition..friends/family...etc.

Needless to say we both have lots on our plate.
ST and I are both struggling with ADHD and this means we can understand each other on levels that other people can’t. The downside is that this also leads to clashes. This happens when we are mentally exhausted and our senses have been over-stimulated. We are currently working hard on this with the help of an ADHD specialist. Our ups are like the mount everest right now, but it takes little to knock us off that peak. This can leave us drained for days.

I also struggle with health issues. I’m currently trying to accept the physical pains in my life (I have both explicable and inexplicable pains). I also struggle with tinnitus. Sometimes I get panic attacks when I fear that these pains and these rings will start to rule over my entire life from now on. Through meditation I’m starting to understand more and more that these negative body experiences will naturally subside after they have peaked. Like waves in the ocean. Luckily ST has been incredibly supportive throughout all this. He has started to look beyond the walls around him. Today he was not happy that I hadn’t woken him in the middle of the night, when I had been in pain.
I guess my greatest fear around his addiction is that we won’t make it together, because I don’t want to lose the things that are great about our relationship.

Porn Addiction / Inspirational video
« on: April 16, 2020, 06:03:51 AM »
Hi everyone.

I've been following a woman named Tara Brach on youtube and she's helped me a lot in terms of finding out where my pain is and how to reconcile with it. It tought me to forgive myself and nurture my pain from addiction. She's a psychologist that views aspects of life through a (secular) buddhist view. I'm not promoting the religious aspect of the video, but the content and the lessons we can learn from it.

In this particular video, she talks about addiction and i thought it was worth sharing with everyone!

Stay safe, stay healthy, Stay P-free, This is especially hard during these stressful times!

Ages 30-39 / I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« on: December 23, 2019, 04:39:17 AM »
Hi everybody,

This is my first post as part of a journal I want to keep here.
I'm a Dutch guy, in his mid-thirties and I am addicted to porn, specifically webcamporn.

Last week I finally told my wife, who thought I've stopped doing it since 8 years ago. But in truth I was addicted. It took me a long time to accept this part of myself, but now that I have accepted it, all the symptoms are recognizable to me. The tricky thing is that I've had this addiction for almost 18 years. I've had internet(and so porn) access since I was around 13, but, when I was around 17/18 I discovered Webcam sex through MSN (ohh the good old days). Which was wat really hooked me.

It became an obsession. It was easy for me. I had a lot of insecurities from when I was young and bullied, so a low self esteem was easy pickings for the Webcam sex addiction. It felt good to get my confidence boosted through meaningless Webcam sex. So I became a hunter; multiple accounts, adding girls by the masses, from chat boxes or wherever. And meanwhile I had gotten an actual girlfriend. But because of all the hunting the actual goal of sex (meaningful and mutual connection and satisfaction) was lost to me. I was disconnected, did not give her the attention that she needed, did not put any effort in wooing her. I was approaching it as I was approaching me hunt; without emotion, running on auto pilot, completely lost to what it actually means to have sex. With the webcamsex I could just do my thing and then stop the conversation. I had gotten my boost (at that point it wasn’t even the boost in confidence anymore, but a compulsory need to finish a hunt).

But then it all came out, my wife, then still girlfriend, found out and we had huge fights about it. And god she was so forgiving. But me, stupid me, so disconnected from my emotions, stuffed al my insecurities away so deep that I couldn’t really let her in with the effect that I continued my addiction… So the years passed, MSN changed to chatrooms, streaming sites, and now random chat sites.. The hunt wasn’t enough anymore, I started watching porn in parallel to hunting on those random webcam chat sites.. And in between I still did not have a connection with my wife, the sex went terrible because I didn’t open myself, but she kept trying and trying and fighting and fighting.

So I could go on like this for PAGES, of me lying to cover up my addiction (which I only started acklowleging as an addiction since 1 week ago), my wife fighting like crazy for our marriage and me not letting her in.

The bottom line is; I am an addict.  I fap on the toilet at work, I leave bed at night to fap, and the need for more extreme porn has also gotten me to the point that it disgusted me. (I think I can consider myself lucky that I didn’t develop PIED). I kept it hidden for 8 years from my wife. I did not put in any effort to improve things in our sex life to the point that we stopped having sex. I wrecked my marriage.

And despite of all that, she forgave me. She actually forgave me. I have no idea why or how, but she is so full of love and understanding to a point that I think that I don’t deserve her, and that there are plenty of other men out there who will give her the attention and effort. But, she still choses to be with me (although I shouldn’t push it further of course).

And although she is so forgiving and full of love, I broke her, I wrecked her completely, worn her down to the point of having no more desire to live..  And that is unforgivable to me..

That’s why ( a little late, I know) im writing this right now on this forum; NO MORE! I stopped watchin porn about 10 days ago and stopped fapping 9 days ago. I’ve deleted all useless apps from my phone (9gag, snapchat, everything that wastes time) and I’ve installed a good blocker. I started reading on here, bought the book Your brain on porn and watched some youtube videos about porn addiction.

So the beginning is here.

What I want to focus on now is to keep rebooting. I also want to learn to love myself (because that’s what made me love the attention of webcamsex, the confirmation of me being worth it). Not loving myself also made me believe that I am not worthy of love, which in its own turn made me close my heart to my wife and thus preventing me from growing emotionally. Now I want to connect to my wife again, let her in, truly appreciate her for the beautiful person she is and also have an eye for her needs and emotions and eventually give her the attention and affection she needs so that I can please her again.

Thank you guys for reading, I will try to keep a nice progress report every once in a while and be involde in the forum, reading your stories, tips tricks and success stories.

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