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Topics - Jesse

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Ages 20-29 / My road to recovery
« on: August 19, 2019, 02:40:31 PM »
Hi guys. I just recently discovered this forum through another site and wanted to share my experience with the rebooting process. I've been on here for a few days learning all that I could and finally decided to make an account. I have what I think is a bit of an unusual story as to how I came to be addicted to PMO. I started masturbating at a young age like many of you but originally just used my imagination or pictures mostly until about the age of 15 (I'm 28 now). Things fell apart when I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) at that age and was put on the anti-depressant, Paxil. This drug caused major desensitization down there and made it difficult, nearly impossible in fact, to climax. This is where my porn problem started. That kind of huge stimulus seemed to be the only reliable way that I could get there. I felt like I needed the drug but was extremely frustrated by the sexual side effects. I would watch porn for long periods of time and rapidly escalated into extreme genres (much faster than what you guys are typically talking about) because I was so numbed.

I didn't realize the harm I was causing because whenever I was on the drug, I could always get erections for some reason. It was like it made me hypersexual or something. I found that any time I came off the drug briefly, I would immediately develop severe ED and would then go back on it. I thought for a long time that this was a long term effect of the drug or withdrawal of some kind, but after being off of it for quite some time I've realized that's not the case. I'm way past the point of any withdrawals or anything so I now believe that it was simply masking the sexual problems I was causing myself all along.

I never considered myself addicted until fairly recently when I unintentionally went on a "streak" when I was on vacation where I simply didn't have access to porn or any time alone to watch it. I realized there was a problem when I found myself binging uncontrollably on porn when I returned for about a solid 5 days, right from the moment I had access to it again. I started to clue in that my behavior was a bit like my uncle's (who has admitted to being a porn addict and had major issues of his own because of it). I did some research, finding yourbrainonporn.com and eventually made my way here. On July 29th, I decided I was going to try going clean from this to see if I can get myself back to a normal state. I'm on day 21 now, which from what I gather, is already pretty decent for a first attempt.

The problems I've been dealing with that I'm trying to resolve are: severe ED with a partner (I'm in a long term relationship, but am reliant on Cialis to have sex with my girlfriend), social awkwardness and anxiety, a persistent sense of shame and fear around being judged for my addiction, and brain fog/difficulty concentrating. I've already noticed some subtle improvements socially and with my ability to see real life women (especially my gf) as more attractive, rather than just being turned on by images on a screen and am hoping to keep seeing improvements as the weeks go on. I have a full time career, an otherwise good relationship, keep active regularly, and have been keeping a relatively full social schedule lately so I'm hoping this will fill my time enough to keep my brain off of porn (and my hands off myself - I haven't been MO'ing at all at this early stage of rebooting). My ultimate goal here is to regain normal sexual health and erections as well as better mental health and lowered anxiety/social awkwardness.

If anyone has anything to ask or insights to add, please do! I'll update this thread here and there with how things are playing out. I'm looking forward to seeing some positive changes and hopefully becoming the best version of myself that I can be.

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