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Topics - dataguy

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Ages 40 and up / dataguy journal
« on: September 03, 2014, 11:12:30 PM »
Hello All. 

I've been a porn addict essentially all my life.  I'm 56.  Today was my most recent bad day.  I've been in counseling years ago, but nothing for a long time.  I stumbled on this site today while searching online for therapists or ways to get help.  It does seem like if the internet is one aspect of the problem, then it's only fair that it might be involved in a potential solution.  Also, it's so hard to admit to others face-to-face that one has a problem with pornography and with their sexuality.  So with the anonymity of being online, I can say to you all that I have an enormous problem that is having a bad affect on my life, and I probably couldn't do that if we were face to face.

I like the idea of a counter, and I tried to set one up in my profile.  I count everything.  I can tell you how many days it has been since I retired.  When I try to clean my house I count how many things I've put away, to get a feeling that I've accomplished something.

I read through a few other profiles and messages.  I think I shouldn't do too much of that for some time.  I stumbled across case after case where different member's counters were disabled due to inactivity, which makes me suppose that things hadn't gone too well, and that they'd failed.  I guess it's not failure since they could certainly try again, but I have trouble seeing that possibility.

My level of use of porn seems closely related to how much stress I feel in my life.  And for the last few months the stress level has soared, and my use has gone up.  The addictive cycle is so strong that when I'm acting out, all of my problems are gone from my mind.  Probably when I can think more clearly I'll say I'm not under an unusual amount of stress, I just deal with it in an addictive way.  I also use exercise to deal with stress.  I do cycling.  I may do this addictively also (ride too long a distance).

I'm divorced (for 10 years).  The marriage broke up over my porn use.  I have a girlfriend, we've been together 5 years.  She is aware in general that I have a problem with porn, but doesn't know how bad it is.  We don't live together, so that lets me hide a lot, and my addiction would be the main reason we don't live together. 

I'm hoping to get some help from you all with the battle over porn, and to learn more about myself, why I do this, and what I can do differently.

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