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Topics - Rocky

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Ages 40 and up / Rocky's Journal A Climb back to the top
« on: May 04, 2015, 12:20:33 PM »
This is my first post on Reboot Nation. I am starting this Journal to help myself and others who are struggling with internet porn addiction as I am. So here is my story.

I'm a 57 year old male who was introduced to sexual images very early in life.

At 10 years old I was curious in my home and soon found Polaroid photos of my mother and father doing different sex acts.
At 12 my parents were divorced due to dad fooling around with the babysitter.
At 13 I already had a collection of playboy magazines and enjoyed frapping.
At 15 I had my first sex with a girl.
At 17 I had now collected exotic porn magazines and was escalating my desires.
At 18 I left home and got my own apartment making it easier to enjoy my porn.
At 22 I was married to my first wife who enjoyed some of my light fetish plays.
At 27 I was divorced, my wife had cheated on me and left for another man.
At 33 I was re-married. This was 1990 and the internet was just growing. I was happily married but needed a diversion and my porn interest increased more and began to get into fetish action including certain acts and role play I won't go into.
At 46 I was divorced due to my straying from the marriage to fulfill my urges and act on the porn that fed me.
At 53 I found that porn was taking my life, my time, my money, my motivation and leading me to other compulsive behaviors that I didn't understand but they felt good. I read info on the internet and found that porn had molded my brain.
This scared me into action. I started an online program and a journal.

Today at age 57 I found my old journal full of good stuff to help me realize my addiction but it was incomplete and abandoned. I had fallen off the wagon and never got back on, until today.

I'm fed up with feeling non- energetic. fed up with being celebate now for 8 years.
Realizing I've wasted my time online sucking in porn with a vicious appetite. I've spent money on my fetishes created by online porn. My health has suffered. And now I'm ready to begin again, to get well and rid my life of porn forever so I can have a normal relationship and be happy.

I actually started a week ago and set up my counter. Six and a half days later I had a relapse and here I am today beginning again. I wil work harder to educate myself. I am struggling today with ridding my computer of the thousands of images and hundreds of hours of downloaded videos.
How can I convince myself to get rid of this stuff I have collected that is so personal to me. Stuff offline I have invested hundreds of dollars in buying over several years time.  Stuff that has to go, but my mind won't let me put it in the trash.  How have others gotten over this very first hurdle?

5/9/15 - Was able to resist my temptations for a week. The restarted again, now Im at 4+ days and feeling those weekend temptations. Going to try and get out and get busy to keep my mind working on positive things.  Have been feeling a bit irritated and edgy, not sure if this is a side effect of my reboot.

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