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Topics - squid

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Ages 20-29 / Kraken's journal
« on: July 07, 2019, 02:38:49 AM »
Day 0 - 7/7/19: 3am

My brain feels like I blasted it with a cannon of dopamine, right into the side of my head.  The left side feels numb, flighty, and tired - very tired.  Recently I have been PMOing a lot.  Three to four times every day and it is definitely affecting most areas of my life.  That makes me sad.  When I do it, I never feel good.  It never makes me happy.  I have taken breaks before, with different degrees of success and each time I take a break, I never regret it.  My last period of pmo free lasted about 5 months and it was like being awake for the first time in a long time.  This was one year ago.  This is the present:

I recently moved to a new city, started a new job and made three ambitious goals that got me super excited. And then I got terrified of failure and success and procrastinated really hard.  My cycle of pain and entrapment is this:

1. Get excited about a goal

2. Take a step towards that goal big enough to tell people about but not big enough in itself to reach the goal.

3. Enjoy the feeling of pleasure that comes with thinking about doing hard work to reach the goal but instead going to play many hours of Overwatch instead.  It's sort of fun, but I think tension relieving would be a better word.  Numbing could work too.

4. During step 3 a trigger develops, they used to be sexy content of some kind.  But, these days it is usually a need to urinate or it is just a slight tug in my mind to relieve a little tension - a habit probably.

5. Go into the bathroom with my phone and pmo.

6. Immediately feel drained and generally bad afterwards and think about needing to do something about the habits that led to this result.

7. Go play more overwatch and continue the Steps 3-7 until there is no more free time.

8. Go and do the minimum requirements of daily life until there is more free time.

I know that this journey of actually spending my time on activities I love instead of PMOing and playing countless hours of video games is necessary.  It's more than necessary, I feel like a sports car stuck in first gear growing older every day.  It's time to free the clutch.  This will involve me confronting many fears and I will share that here.  Thank you for reading and thank you for supporting young men like myself.  It can be lonely out here.


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