Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Topics - Aussie_Rebooter

Pages: [1]
1
Porn Addiction / Relapsed - 30 days,all progress gone?
« on: November 29, 2015, 05:35:10 PM »
I have no idea HOW that just happened.

I just edged for 5 hours,I'm in tears - I'm so confused it just came out of nowhere.

Is all progress lost because I was only 30 days in? Or if I stop,not fap again will I  bounce back?

I'm fucking suicidal now.

2
Ages 30-39 / Reboot Journal
« on: November 23, 2015, 04:00:12 PM »
Starting a journal because I feel like I need an outlet to write my struggles and progress during my reboot.

I've known about Porn Addiction since late 2012 - longest streak was 94 days.Since then I've struggled to even make it a few weeks.Currently on my second longest streak and this will be my final reboot.

What I'm really struggling with now is the withdrawals - it's hitting me really hard.Depression,Anxiety,lack of motivation "everything seems boring and pointless",endless boredom,fatigue.Ive suffered from all of these symptoms for years but when I stop - everything gets worse.What this does is bring up doubts in my mind that Porn isn't the problem - that maybe I'm just fucked up beyond repair and I'll never get better.

Even though I know deep down that's not true - it's very hard to see a way out when you've been trapped in hell for so many years.

The last week has been extremely draining - I've developed really bad insomnia - which compounds everything and pisses me off! After going through the day I can't sleep at night and my mind starts racing.

My use over the last few years got really bad - most days were spent edging,3,4 - 10+ hour sessions.Porn was the only thing I cared about in life,the only thing that gave me any false sense of happiness.

Something awesome has happened though,a month ago my X gf from a decade ago contacted me and we've been talking a lot - I've fallen in love with her again,and she feels the same way.I admitted my addiction to her,showed her YBOP,gabes vids etc and tried to explain my situation as best I could.Her understanding and support has been really overwhelming and humbling and basically...it's the reason I've been able to stay clean for nearly a month.

What I have to do now is be very strict on myself,exercise,meditation,looking for a job,forcing myself to go and hang out with my mates,reading,eating healthy - I have to adapt all of these things within the next few weeks or I can really see myself fucking up.

I see this - rebooting,getting back with my GF - as a second chance at life so I'm going for it.

But this shit sucks,there's no getting around it.I feel like a space cadet zombie with no life in me at all.My dick is shriveled up,cold and changes color - rebooting for an addict is the worst hell I've ever experienced and I'm never going to have to deal with it again.I just have to be smart about this shit and have the faith that it'll all work out if I put the effort in.

I do have ED,but not severely.Due to my crazy usage (half day edging sessions,escalation to diff genres) I can only put this down to one thing - past sexual experience.Which I've had a lot of.My erections during sex are far from healthy though - but I guess I reached a point where I didn't care - because I figured I was so broken that I wouldn't be able to get a GF anyway,so who cares if my dick doesn't work?

I had some tests done a few weeks ago - full STD screen (I've slept with pro's but have been single for a decade) a full blood count,thyroid - I got the all clear.

My advice to anyone reading this would be to stop using the shit.It really is a wicked wicked addiction and it will take everything from you - just like hard drugs it destroys lives - and the deeper you go,the more fucked up your life gets.Theres no end to it,the hole just gets deeper.

I'll leave it at that for my first post.Its nearly 8 in the morning and I still haven't slept.Ill be posting regularly and contributing to the forum - I really need a place where I can connect with others going through similar shit.

Aussie.


3
Porn Addiction / Intense Scary Withdrawals!!!
« on: September 06, 2015, 04:52:15 AM »
So I'm experiencing very strong,scary withdrawals.Im on day 12,not that it really matters what day I'm on.

Extreme anxiety that no amount of breathing exercises or meditation can help,it's crippling to the point of being unable to function.

Extreme intense fatigue,weirdly I have not experienced any insomnia (knock on wood).During my last long reboot way back in 2013,insomnia was by far the worse WD symptom,and last time the withdrawals were nothing compared to this.

I've had other more minor symptoms,upset stomach/nausea,headaches,aches and pains,loneliness and some depression - although I think I'm just depressed about how shitty I feel.

To put it bluntly I cannot function,period.

Very fleeting minor urges,easily controlled though because the WD's are scaring me so much.In a weird way I think it's good that it's hit me this hard,it's nailed home just how severe my addiction was.

The very bizarre thing is that it seems to come in waves.Like a bi-polar type thing.I can feel like I described,laying in bed freaking the fuck out - and a few hours later feel relatively calm and much better,and then repeat.

I consider myself a fairly strong minded person,I've had some scary shit happen to me - injuries and stuff,and to be honest I have never been this scared in my life about anything.

I'm very worried that I've caused some serious irreversible brain damage - another thing hit me today:

That I've never read about anyone else edging or using as much as I have.

I'm talking 5-10 hours of edging per day,for literally years.id say it's been this bad for about 5 years.

Hermit crab lifestyle,social anxiety through the roof etc - so I say again,I've never heard of anyone death gripping and edging for on average I'd say - 6 hours a day at least for 5 or so years,I had been PMO'ing for way longer than that,however it didn't really start having life destroying effects on me until about 5 or 6 years ago.

I know we're told to not compare ourselves to others,it's hard not to!

Spangler a dude here,the author of 'wack addicted to Internet porn' whom I'm sure some of you would be aware of - in his book he says he was an addict at "only a few uses per week".

And he had fairly severe porn induced issues,ED etc.

I've told my friends and family about my addiction - to put what I'm going through in a nutshell,this is what I told my mother yesterday while going through a severe wave of symptoms:

"Mum,I'm scared - I feel like a full blown junkie and I've never felt this bad EVER...I feel as if I could faint,and start convulsing on the ground".

Then I came into my room and starting crying like a child.

This is hard for me to say,I'm not a pussy - this is worse than coming down from MDMA,it's just so weird!

I now know what heroin addicts mean by 'the sickness'.I don't actually have your typical porn urges - i just want this sickness to go away,that's the only way I could see myself relapsing at this stage but I won't.

So has ANYONE experienced anything as intense as this? Particularly the waves of bad/good?

It's fucking bullshit man,I can't believe It,honestly I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Also,this took a good 5 days or so to start kicking in - so I'm 99.9% sure it is porn withdrawals,however it's hard sometimes to accept because it is so hardcore.

Another thing to add - I had a cold/virus thing about 3 weeks ago,but I'm over it now.And 2 weeks before I started this run,I quit weed.I was smoking heavily for around 2 months and PMO'ing - by heavily I mean I was high every waking minute.

So maybe the combination of the quitting weed and PMO in close succession could have shocked my brain or something?

Would really appreciate any kind of feedback on this one guys!!!!

Aussie.

EDIT:

What I'm really scared of is that with some other addictions,alcoholics,benzodiazepines and I think heroin - it can be VERY dangerous to quit cold turkey,without medications.

Im actually scared I could fucking die from this! From my brain just going into dopaminergic shock or some weird ass fuckin shit bra.

know that must sound weird,but fuck,man.

I even considered going to the doctors - however that scares me having to go out and face people feeling like this - fucking hell this SUCKS x1000000.

4
Ages 20-29 / Time To Get My Life Back
« on: August 27, 2014, 05:29:04 PM »
Hey everyone,

I'm 29 & started watching porn at around 14 - been addicted for at least 9 years - the last 4 years has resulted in me completely losing my life and soul.I'm not religious at all but that's the best way that i can explain it,my addiction and the resulting symptoms has taken everything from me.I'm educated on the whole reboot/NoFap/No PMO thing.I joined 'yourbrainrebalanced' in late 2012,Iv'e managed to go 94 days on hard mode - no porn,masturbation,orgasm or sex.I felt a lot of benefits,all the things we've heard a million times before - it felt as if i was coming out of a trance like state,shit just seemed "good" again...the sunrise,the smell of my garden,my future actually seemed possible instead of non existent.Depression,Anxiety,Social awkwardness/confidence,sleep,skin improved - and i generally just felt better.It was a very strange experience because i was so used to living and feeling like shit,constantly.I experienced crazy withdrawals that lasted up until around day 85 - and due to the length and severity of my addiction i really think i needed much,much more than 90 days to recover.So i was probably only just starting to get a small glimpse into what a full successful reboot feels like.

My addiction has escalated,it's not uncommon for me to spend up to 14 hours edging,usually its around 5 hours per session.The reason for this is obviously escalation,and also escapism - porn,unlike any other addictive substance iv'e had before,allows me to Completely escape.I mean i totally lose myself in the stuff.So for me the orgasm is just the end result,it's after iv'e had my escape/dopamine fix.It's common for me to PMO 3,4 times a day around 5/6 hour sessions as well...so it's a pretty serious issue at the moment.I don;t do anything,ever.I don't go out with my mates,socialise with anyone - iv'e locked myself in my room for 4 years and wasted the time in front of a screen jerking off.Over the years iv'e lost potential GF's over it,like girls would text or ring me (when i still had some sort of a life) and i'd brush them off because i'd rather stay home and wank than go out and socialise and fuck girls....this is going back a decade here.Iv'e been single for 8 years.Had sex with probably 50+ prostitutes in that decade,wasted thousands of dollars.Iv'e had suicidal thoughts,which i think is pretty normal for anyone in my situation - id never do it though as i have to much hope and motivation,it's just not "in me" to take my own life.

I have no doubt at all now that al of my symptoms are caused directly from my addiction.My symptoms has resulted in me having a horrible life,it works hand in hand.Iv'e had several debates with people on other boards about what PMO can directly cause,that you can;t "blame" everything on a PMO addiction etc,just to let everyone know and i don't want to offend anyone - i will not be participating in any lengthy debates about this subject - i know what it's done to me and my life,and iv'e experienced what it's like when you reboot for a decent period of time.I have no doubts at all about what i can achieve when i reboot - i can have it all,but it will never happen if i keep fapping.

The reason my reboot failed and i inevitably relapsed was because i didn't replace my addiction with anything else,well anything big enough.I exercised,lifting and cardio 6 days a week,went for daily walks,posted a lot on YBR - watched a tonne of motivational stuff online....and aside from that i literally spent the 94 days at home doing nothing.The relapse hit me hard,and since late june last year the longest run iv'e been o is 14 days.Recently i made it to 5 days...i'm finding it much harder to stay clean now than i did in 2013.

I don't suffer from ED - which is unusual considering the severity of my addiction.What i mean by ED,is being able to get it up - iv'e never not been able to get hard with women,pro's.However it's not 100%...usually my erection stays at around 80% to rougly estimate - so i do have a "bit" of ED.

2014:

This year has been pretty weird,i got my licence,enrolled in university - and dropped out after 2 weeks because i realised that my brain is not functioning enough to study at a tertiary level.I simply could not focus,concentrate or take and process information properly etc.However i'm seeing it as a positive thing though,.because a year ago there's no way i could've gone to university...so i know i can do it - i even noticed girls checking me out etc,i loved the campus lifestyle - everyone is positive generally and wants to succeed in life.I plan on going back as soon as i can.Until then i'll get a job and save some cash,possibly travel.

5 days ago my 16 year old cousin took his own life,i barely knew the kid as he lived and grew up in the United states.I only met him a few times,however it really effected me.Death kind of puts the reality of life into your mind,you realise life is short in you only have one shot.Iv'e lost friends and family over the years,never from suicide though.It's just so horrible my aunt found him,he used a gun so i can;t even imagine what my aunt and uncle are going through - they are moving back to Australia.

In 2012,and most of 203 - even during my long run,i still had heaps of doubts.It's hard to explain,but i thought "yeah i can improve,but i'll never be normal,i'll never get another GF,have a wife,kids...etc" - that was just what i felt and believed - now however i know thats bullshit - i can have it all,it's all up to me now,and my addiction is the only thing holding me back.I had my 29th birthday a few weeks ago,and man....it was a bad one.I did nothing,i even had a mate text me and say "WTF are you doing bro come over"...it's just a terrible thing what this addiction has done to me.I can't stress enough how much i need to reboot,i'm just at the stage now where it has to be done.


I realise this intro is a all over the place and un-edited,i thought it was better to just get all my issues out there without making a huge post.I look forward to getting to know you all and offering my support to those who need it.Guys like Gabe,Fugu & Tobias from YBR have really inspired me,even though our situations are different i can relate a lot to them.

It's time to become a man,cheers guys,Aussie.


Pages: [1]