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Topics - Greenzebra

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Ages 30-39 / Journal entry #1 - my struggle
« on: March 10, 2019, 08:03:48 AM »
Hi group,

This is my story as I see it today... its been a journey.

A quick summary: I recently became aware of a lifetime of abuse I've experienced. Im ADD possibly ADHD, Ive been coping for years with pot (got really sick and stopped), alcohol (really limit myself now), and of course Porn. Right now I have professional help to understand and rebuild how i experience intimacy and also understand who i am. Im married with a 6mo old boy. I dont know if my wife is the right person for me. But we are trying for my little man, deep down i dont think im with the right person but im not sure.

Where do i begin... maybe the beginning... my dad was abusive to me, physically and emotionally. All my life I've never felt good about myself. Ive always felt like a bad person like i wasnt smart, capable of love, and am never able to stand up for myself. If i experience anger towards me, which happens a lot for some reason... i shut down and agree. Im scared of getting hit.

As a result of this trauma, i developed a fetish at a very young age. I never understood it and felt shame associated with it. When I got older around age 16 i learned to cope with porn, pot, sex and drinking. The exposure to porn has done a few things. Its hightened my need for sex, its also exposed me to things im not attracted to but i feel i need to be satisfied. I need more than one time and its gotten so bad that my wife feels used and not loved. For someone who doesnt feel good about himself already the thought that ive made someone im supposed to love the most in the world feel used, was crushing. I couldnt understand what i was doing until i looked within about my past.

Understanding all this about myself and my past I've turned to a reboot to provide some space for understanding of my actual needs, wants and desires. To rebuild a healthy self not just in sex but in my life. From this base i hope to have a clear understanding of me and therefore be able to either work with my wife or move on.

Part of feeling alone and not understanding my sexuality or even myself at age 30... is somewhat freeing but also scary. Im not sure i love my wife, or if its a codependency relationship. She has her own traumas, her own past that i always put before my own needs in life. But I also dont know what my needs are to feel happy. Right now i know what i dont like... one thing going for me is I've found my calling in life. I love growing food and i manage a large farm. Its a lot of hard work but i love it. It does take me away in the summers because its very demanding.

I feel like Im an empty shell... but I'm motivated to change for myself. Also for my boy because NEVER want to repeat history with him. I already know im way more understanding, compassionate, loving and affectionate than my dad could ever be.

Im on day 13 no masturbation or porn. Its going well, but I'm going to have trouble finding healthy ways to cope. Right now i walk. 1-4hours a day. Its really helpful. I listen to podcasts, think, write or just enjoy a sunny day.

Theres more im sure but thats the jist. I hope i can help others in their struggles as i work through my own.

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