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Topics - blueRaccoon

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Ages 20-29 / Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: January 26, 2019, 05:34:21 AM »
The journey starts with me as a 5-years-old kid. Both of my parents have their own jobs to go to and my sibling too had to go to a different school, I was usually left alone for 6-7 hours with the housekeeper. It wasn't a problem as I was with someone who was taking care of me. Things started becoming a problem when the housekeeper died and I had to be alone all by myself as a 7-year-old kid. I used to come back after my school, unlock the door, enter the house and lock myself in till my parents come back. In the initial years, I used to cry a lot but later I started watching television for hours and hours. I used to sit there still with my eyes fixed on the idiot box for the whole time. The social setting of the locality was such that I didn't have many friends and when I could have gone to play/socialize with others I longed for my parent's attention at home. When I was 12-13 years old, I discovered the channels I wasn't supposed to and then spent the rest of my days watching them. I was introduced to porn by my friend at the age of 14. I didn't have the resources to access it back then but a year later I got my first phone (a multimedia phone) and with a bit of help from my friend I started accessing the websites. Now the days were spent watching porn and humping my bed (which I used to do even when I had no idea of it). Porn and masturbation became more frequent but I never saw it as a problem. I was good in studies, I had my friends, I was a good child for my parents and also a consumer of porn.

The rise in consumption came along with my college years. For the first time, I was away from my parents and home and at a new place. Porn consumption seemed completely normal to me and I never noticed that I had started watching it compulsively - when alone, when tensed, when doubtful and so on. I realized porn to be a problem in the final year of my college, I was at the peak of everything, I was doing everything I thought I would do then one day I had this big conflict with someone which would wrack me emotionally. I was still at the peak but with one big emotional hole. In these days, whenever I watched porn I had one voice in my mind which questioned the action of watching it but I would go on anyway. I considered the "questioning and watching" to be a one-time thing but I soon realized that it is happening each time I watched porn. I started noticing the other patterns that how being alone or a stressful exam ahead led to porn.

Soon, I graduated and now I was preparing for my masters. I was so focused on my masters that I never thought about porn and even when I did, I never had the time to waste on it. Everything was going great till another hurdle struck me hard. This time it was my fear - the fear of failure. I had missed a few of my planned schedules regarding the study and it had overwhelmed me. I didn't believe I could complete what I had started and feared that I would never be able to do my masters. In these moments of crisis came the subtle hints of porn in form of discussion with friends who watched porn. I started taking refuge in porn again. And this time it was worst. I knew that I'm reinforcing the habit, I knew that it isn't gonna make me coverup for the schedules I missed but I watched it anyway until I was unable to masturbate. This time I was not alone, I had roommates. I would deliberately skip plans to watch porn, I would watch porn and masturbate when everyone else was asleep and later when I felt the guilt I became miserable. I had started having suicidal thoughts, I told my sibling who was far away from me about it. It helped me calm down a bit. Later, I gave up on my masters and started focusing on my daily routine. I followed a morning ritual I had created and was able to stay clean for 1 and a half month till I came back to my hometown.

I had given up the idea of masters and there was a question as to what I would do then? I decided to stay here with my sibling and prepare for the competitive exam to get a job I always wanted. The journey to life continues from here onwards..

BlueRaccoon
2019 - 23 years old

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