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Topics - BigMog

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Ages 40 and up / Trekking to Freedom
« on: December 26, 2018, 11:24:51 AM »
Hi, I'll keep this as brief as I can. I'm in my late fifties and porn has been a problem for me for a long time. I've descended down the usual slippery slope that I've seen described many times, from seeing arousing photos in Sunday supplements or Women's magazines when I was a teen or even younger and "MOing" to them, through "girly" magazines, then video, and then, in the internet age, to dial-up and eventually the firestorm of broadband and streaming sites that have been, I guess, equivalent to me squirting heroine directly into my eyes.

I have wasted countless hours, days and weeks over the years on this appalling yet ridiculous habit. It’s not just the time wasted while edging and "PMOing", it’s the lethargy, lack of confidence and the shame that affects the rest of my life and in some ways the people I love, which is so damaging and wasteful.

Having said that, I believe, I’m incredibly lucky. I am married and have a family and whereas there is little physical relationship with my wife, we are still OK. I’ve managed to keep a reasonable job and I have some interests and contacts outside work and family. I’ve had no traumatic childhood experiences or real tragedies in my adult life that I can see may have made me more susceptible to falling into this bad habit. I have no other addictions, no drink, no drug problems. For whatever reasons, fortunately, I’ve never been drawn into chat rooms or risky behavior in the real world. But I’ve not succeeded yet in kicking this habit into touch and I sometimes worry that it may escalate so I end up, say, losing my job and my family.

2018 has been better than some previous years. It started very well with a 66 day hard-mode streak, sustained by reading the Your Brain on Porn book and website and RebootNation posts as well as using a Mindfulness Meditation app. I’ve been what I think is described in some places as a “lurker,” that is, reading other posts here regularly without joining the forum and making posts myself.  Well, now I’ve broken cover and here I am.

I finally started this journal, after putting it off for months, because I’ve just had a series of binges which means that 2018 has finished poorly and I clearly need to up my game to beat this problem. From what I’ve read, journaling and interacting with others is a good additional tool to use.

If my journal is of any use to others, just by showing that if I can do it then anyone can, I’d be delighted.

Thanks for reading this. It is far too long I know, but it gives my background. I’ll aim to keep future posts much shorter.


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