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Ages 30-39 / 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« on: August 14, 2018, 11:54:13 PM »
Hello everyone,

After years of doing research about porn addiction, PIED and lurking in the shadows reading countless of stories about other guys who have struggled with those things, I’ve finally decided to try and take a more serious approach to end my own personal struggles with those same very demons.

My struggle with porn addiction and PIED has been a 10-year long battle and has been something that I have never shared with another human being be it in real life or online.

I am a 36 years old virgin who has never had a girlfriend, dated, kissed, or touched a female in an intimate way in my entire life.

I just recently had a birthday a few days ago and decided that speaking my truth and sharing my experience with others is something I feel now is absolutely necessary for finally ending my issues.

But what mainly inspired me to stop lurking on various internet forums and share my own experience was when I accidentally ran across a post by a member here named DepressedAndOut. After reading his story and realizing the incredible amount of almost mirrored similarities of his struggles and my own, I decided I too should be brave enough to share my own experiences without feeling as though no one could ever understand me.

I grew up in a poor and mostly fanatical religious (Muslim) household where seemingly everything under the sun was considered a sin that could potentially send you to the hell. There was regular TV shows me and my siblings couldn’t watch, movies we couldn’t go to, music we couldn’t listen to, and most importantly school which we were not allowed to attend because our parents didn’t want us to be exposed to sex education or dating.

As a child, the only time I actually attended public school ever was for a very short time in Kindergarten. Other than that, I have spent almost my entire childhood and teenage years isolated and unable to socialize with others my own age. No parties, no prom, no dating, no first kiss, no nothing. As a kid, I wasn’t even allowed to go outside without being with my parents because I was made to believe that the outside world was too unsafe. The only time I was able to have a friend and hang out at their house was when I and my family lived in an apartment building where I befriended another Muslim kid who lived there too until he moved away after about a year later.

I’ve also been homeless with my family many times which led to never having a sense of stability within our family. By the time I turned 16 yrs old, we had been homeless 16 times. As I got into my teen to adult years, there was an increasing amount of arguments within our household that seemed to only get worse year by year. That was something that also caused a great deal of stress for me personally.
At about the age of 16 or 17, my mom decided to buy us our first computer and as you would probably assume, this would be the beginning of where things would take a turn for the worst. As someone who had already spent their entire life without the ability to socialize like a normal person, I begin to spend most of my time on message boards with others, desperately looking for interaction just to feel like a normal human being. Not too long after this, I began to discover and slowing but surely get into internet porn.

In the beginning, my porn habits were not too serious as I would only watch them here and there thinking that it was something that would never actually become a problem. Fast forwarding to the age of 26, this is where everything for me came to be what it is today. After even more years living the same life, feeling lonely, isolated, and still living at home with a highly dysfunctional family, everything just felt worse and this is where I began to drown my personal sorrows in porn.

During this time, I would I begin to use porn and masturbation almost every day, even multiple times a day just to make myself feel some relief from the life that I’ve hated living. I would look for it like a drug, whenever or wherever I could get it. Waiting for family members to leave the house, waiting for everyone to fall asleep at night, etc.

Then suddenly one day it happened. After one of my multiple masturbation sessions on a particular day, I noticed after I had finished there was something that felt different about my penis. Normally after masturbating, my penis wouldn’t fall completely limp or fit it did,  I would simply be hard again in another 15 - 30 minutes. But this was no longer the case. Now the only way I could achieve an erection was from manual stimulation.

But even after all that, I still didn’t stop. I would continue on with the same habits until one day, I noticed I couldn't even achieve a full erection even with manual stimulation. But as much as I became scared by this, I still continued on with my porn and masturbation habits. This would continue on for several more years to the point where even the typical material I would use, no longer excited me anymore.

This lead to feeling further depressed, scared but also confused as I began to question myself as a man. But again, as you probably guessed it, that didn’t stop me either. I continued on desperately trying to achieve the same type of satisfaction I had previously with PMO to the point that it even led me to another “genre” that would become my new favorite and have me questioning my own sexuality at times.

During the last couple of years, I have made several attempts at stopping PMO, telling myself that “this was the last time” but I’ve always ended up lasting no longer than 4 months.

It almost feels like no matter how hard I try to get away from this, there’s a monster pulling me back to it.

I apologize for the length of this post. Thank you all for listening.

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