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Ages 30-39 / No more blunders
« on: May 29, 2018, 06:24:52 PM »
Day 0 / 90

In chess, a "blunder" is when the player gives an advantage to the opponent without reason. For example, trading a queen for a bishop.

Two days ago, Sunday 05/27 I wrote some deep shit in my notebook before sleep. Things like "I know I'm buying a lie but I don't know any better".

This probably will be the crappiest journal I've ever made since I started journaling reboots. But this one will work.

I drink too much coffee. I play games too much, I don't exercise, my self-worth is the lowest, I have hatred towards my own person, because I hate the way I behave.

I've been doing blunders in work, I've been doing blunders in chess, I've been doing blunders against my own plans. I've blundered life.

A few days ago I decided to give up again. Only to find myself missing my discipline and self worth I had during NoFap. The strangest thing: when I PMO I think of the way I behave when I don't. And when I don't PMO, I am constantly thinking about girls, lingering for games or wanting to waste my time on some useless shit.

So I gave up. I spent real bucks on that game. The one that triggered me a lot to PMO. I made a decision on impulse. Let's let that money as thrown away before I lose even more.

Look, I relapsed Friday, 05/25/2018 and it took me only 4 days to see that PMO is not the solution. I PMO today to my best hentai and it was... how can I put it... Uninteresting?

I think I missed it, but I didn't miss PMO that much? I gave in to rationalizations in my mind, and let my impulses control me again to do something I committed to not doing and that I didn't really wanted to do. Lies.

Yesterday I knew for a fact that a girl I've been fancying is onto someone else. I was thinking of asking her out. I guess that's not happening. While I was thinking, someone else was acting.

The best advice I have in life I got from an eroge. "A man has to be all about action". It's time I start to read some serious books to have proper and well thought advice on my life.

When I was a 12 year kid my church mentor asked what everyone wanted from life. Someone said something stupid like "money" and everybody followed, I was the only of a group of 8 boys who said "wisdom". I, with 12 years wanted to be a sage. Well, let's follow that path and see where it leads me?

PMO? Games? What a joke! That's so cheap! That's not life!

I didn't PMO to the game anyway, but I don't know if I'll still play that game. Quitting game is the hardest of everything. I watched real porn today and was turned off by it. Disgusting. But somehow I can't quit games and playing games always lead me to hentai?!

My best shot is with chess. A neutral game. No naked women figure.

I want what I'm struggling for 2 years to achieve. 90 days PMO-free. Every time I said I don't really want it is a lie. I want it. I committed to it. Everything else is a lie. It took me only 4 days to figure that PMO is not an option anymore in my life. My eyes are open, I can't comfortably sit in the dark and fap and hold my breath like a ridiculous homunculus anymore. Holding my screams so nobody hears it. So pathetic.

I just wanted to get this off my chest before I sleep. I'm not sick or anything. If I sleep well and eat well I don't feel that bad after PMO, even though that energy would and shall be more well employed with regular exercise. My body is ugly and nobody is seeing if my penis is fit. It's uglier by the day. Let's give it a rest and exercise other parts of my body.

I will keep counting the days but I will loosen a bit on posting here. It doesn't have to be daily. Once a week should be enough, but I can post whenever I want. This is better than setting up a too rigid schedule that I know will demotivate me to continue.

I don't know what to do about Vere. I think I lost her. Fuck. It's been so long since I was with someone I really like! Vivian had her share of joy when telling me how engaged Vere was and asking stuff that I didn't want to hear. I should have left the room, really.

I felt way less lonely when playing the game though. But still. Damn.

NO! It's fucking boring, endlessly boring, it's not real interaction, the game is super slow and putting cash on it was a big mistake! Much better if I learnt Scientology, studied one of the courses I bought (yeah you spent money on that too) or played chess!

Let's get it clear:

* I'm quitting PMO today.
* I'm quitting online games. I'm quitting specially that one game I've been playing LOA.

Instead of PMO I will meditate. Instead of LOA I will play chess. Instead of coffee I will drink tea.

It's okay if I find some online spaceship game or similar but I really should be doing something productive like exercising, studying or reading.

Read for fun is not very easy. I asked people on the job today and people usually don't read. People usually don't do NoFap too. Well, it turns out I'll do both which makes me a fucking legend.

Let's do this.

I am rebooting from PMO for productivity reasons. I'm doing it for myself. I am 31 and much of my life, energy and time is already in the waste because of my addiction. I don't regret it, I enjoyed every second of it, this was a valuable experience to show me that this is not what I want from my life. Like John Petrucci says:

Sometimes you've got to be wrong, and learn the hard way.

I am facing real loneliness here. Today is Saturday, and I will talk to no human. My next human interaction will be Monday morning, at work. I'm a single man living on my own.

I want to accomplish something big in life, even though at the moment I don't know what is this "it", that I strive to accomplish. I felt suicidal in the past. With heavy PMO I felt even more suicidal.

I think if I had a girlfriend I would have to brake up with her immediately because I'm too problematic and ruining one's own life is already enough damage. I don't want to involve someone in this.

TL; DR: Do you think I can reboot for the sake of it, and not to have meaningless sex; for I don't want to get married?

Ages 30-39 / Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 18, 2018, 05:35:39 PM »
My name is Diro, I'm 31, single.

This is so embarrassing to put in words.

At age of 12 I was told it was wrong to masturbate, at a church meeting. The child counselor said something about it being selfish and "girl's can't do it". Past evaluations told me that it being selfish is a matter of opinion, and yes, girls do it. Nonetheless I tried to repress my sexuality at such an early age, I would masturbate and then hold the semen inside my penis because I didn't want to get any proof of such a sinful act. The result is my urethra expanded for holding the semen for too long. I would go outside my house to fap, I would friction my penis inside my pants and use the extra skin around it to hold the semen inside. I'm lucky this didn't damaged my urinary system, as I can hold my pee and release it normally, but my penis got an extra thickness, and when erect, it has a curve on it's right side that I know it's not normal.

My parents got divorced that same year, this didn't help for my mental health. I quit church at that year convinced that church sucks and masturbation is okay.

I never needed porn until late 26. My family was so rigid, and I had so much shame for it, that I would masturbate to movies and fashion magazines. Once my father shamed me quite violently because my sister showed me a porn movie he rented for himself. I didn't even know what I was watching. He shamed me and I cried like few times in my life. I still can hear his voice "I'll never trust you again". Why? I didn't wanted to watch it in the first place. Damn sister.

Having such a trauma with porn, I turned to softcore photos and I had curiosity and I saw real porn whenever I could, always with extreme safety. I got better in securing my porn viewing. A few years later, my father showed to me his hentai porn [?], I got hugely disappointed with him, how could he show to me something like that and expect me to like it after what he has done?

I never stopped masturbating. I thought it was impossible. I would catch a glimpse of a girl in yoga pants in the streets then masturbate afterwards in a safe place. Sometimes I would masturbate just for the sake of it, for the feel good and because "fuck the church, I can masturbate all I want".

When I started watching anime, masturbation went to another level. And I discovered Eroges. Until this point I never braked a value I considered true. But one thing led to another, drawing became boring and I wanted to see the real stuff, and against all my beliefs and my pride for not ever seeing porn like dad, I now am a porn user.

I've been fighting PMO addiction since 2016, when I found the NoFap subreddit, and a report impressed me, I thought "these guys are doing the impossible! If they can, I probably can too." And this was exactly what the reports and successful stories were about. I could stop it too. I couldn't at 12, but I was too young, it's time to try again. Soon after I found about Gabe's videos and reboot nation. I spent a few days posting on the NoFap subreddit, but soon after I registered at NoFap forum, where I was banned five times.

I don't know why I was banned, my best guess is I was banned for criticizing them. When I asked why, they banned me again. No notice, nothing. I relapsed, of course. Since 2016, in these two years my addiction got worse. I am watching the most hard core stuff I've watched in my life. 2015 on, I started seeing gay porn even though I'm not gay. Fact is I don't know if I'm gay because I jerked off to gay stuff, there was a YouTube channel which was my favorite. Porn gay excited me like nothing else. This was when I knew I needed to stop and seek help. Betraying my values is one thing. Now I'm betraying my sexuality. I don't have a problem with being gay or gay people, but if porn is turning me gay, I have to do something about it.

I do not recommend the NoFap forum as they became a gold digger organization. The NoFap subreddit is more neutral, one can't really be banned from there, only the posts will be erased. But it is full of references to the NoFap site and their stupid NoFap academy, which you have to pay to get visual with Alexander Rhodes, the Fapstronaut #1, c'mon cut me some slack.

Doing stuff alone doesn't work so well, but no matter how much help you are able to get your hands at, in the end, it's only you and your addiction. Nobody, despite their infinite caring and support and accountability will be with you in the bathroom when the opportunity to masturbate rises.

I'll not pay Alexander Rhodes to have a journal online. Many rebooters say there is benefit in writing a journal and I confirm it. My longest streak is 68 days, this was in January 2018. My streaks are on a linear progress of 31, 58 and 68 with several small streaks, I came back to porn for 4 months, then came back to reboot. This is really hard. Starting this year I decided that I will not give up anymore. I'll keep trying for as long as it takes.

I'm looking forward to interact with other members of this web forum and I hope I can encourage some to keep their streaks, and have some encouraging back too. Please don't ban me if I relapse.

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