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Topics - fivestackedcars

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Ages 20-29 / I can't take it, time to change
« on: February 24, 2018, 07:33:47 PM »
This is my first journal entry so it'll be longer than the rest.

I'm a 20 year old college student with great friends and good physical health. I landed a job that has me set up to make a lot of money in my career and "live the dream." I'm a decent looking guy and most people, I think, believe I do well with girls. But there's always something weighing me down and prevents me from really being happy.

It's tough as hell to accept it. But the pain and anxiety that it causes is worlds more difficult. I have PIED. I'm planning on doing something foreign to me with this journal; telling all the truth and nothing but the truth. None of you will likely ever know me in person, but this journal will give you an inside look at me in ways even my family doesn't know. So here it goes.

I still remember my first PMO which was also my first actual O. If I had to guess I was probably 12 years old. If only I knew what laid ahead. Eight years later and I've got PIED. At my worst I would PMO 5 times a day and sometimes watch porn for hours on end trying extend that feeling.

The first time I had ED I was a Junior in high school. I was at a party and was drunk but not stupid drunk and couldn't get it up with a girl. I shrugged it off as a complication of the alcohol. Years later I've had ED that's stopped me in the moment with 7 girls and caused me to avoid putting myself in sexual situations countless more times. That's not to say I haven't had my share of enjoyable experiences with girls in bed but it's never been the real thing and those experiences are far less frequent now. I claim I'm not a virgin because I've gotten it half up and made penetration with a few thrusts with one girl. But it was a demoralizing experience that tore me down more than bringing me up. But my friends don't really know this. They think I've had sex with multiple girls because I've lied to avoid the embarrassment. I was typically the alpha of groups growing up and had all the confidence in the world, but as I watched my friends all lose their virginities and talk about their great nights of sex, I couldn't help but get down on myself.

It got to the point where I don't find going to parties fun anymore because I look at girls and know that it's not worth pursuing them because if I'm successful I'll bring them back to my place and end up embarrassing myself and disappointing the girl. I've continued to PMO about 3 times a week. But I don't watch porn because I'm horny, I watch it because I feel the craving for it.

I first learned about PIED coincidentally enough when I was trying to watch porn. Typing porn into my browser no longer brought up the sites but instead brought up articles about PIED. The more times I briefly clicked on them the more I believed it was actually what I had. I found this site today and it confirmed my suspicions.

So now I'm starting. Today I deleted my dating apps and got rid of my swimsuit magazines to remove those triggers. From this day forward I hope to never PMO again. I know that relapses can happen but I'll do my best to avoid them. I don't know how long my reboot will take. It could be 2 months, 6 months, or even 2 years, but I know that every day I hold out is another day closer to freedom from this unforgiving constraint.

The rest of my journals will be much shorter but for this one I needed to get it out there. I'll try to update each day but I'm sure I'll miss some. It's gonna be a tough journey, but it needs to happen.

Day 1
2/24/2018

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