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Topics - mousemat1

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Porn Addiction / Sissy porn.
« on: September 15, 2018, 09:49:15 AM »
I just need some advice and a little support from anybody else whose addiction led them to sissy porn? If you don’t know what it is, don’t let your curiosity get the better of you. Do not look for it!

If you have escalated to the use of this disgusting genre, have you managed to rid yourself of its pull?

During your reboot, how did the cravings subside?

Do you still have any cravings or does the idea of it just disgust you now?

It was when I started watching sissy porn that I knew that I was ill and that I really had to quit. In a certain sense, if it hadn’t been for this genre perhaps I’d never have acknowledged the severity of my compulsion, although I wish it had never got to this point.

I’m still having flashbacks of this kind of porn. Most of the other stuff I watched doesn’t seem to have the same lure and seems easy to avoid. However, this filth seems to really have infected my consciousness.

Any advice or observations are welcomed.

Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction/Delayed Ejaculation / Long Reboot
« on: August 14, 2018, 08:40:40 AM »
I need some advice from anyone who has taken a long time to recover.

I'm on Day 224 of my reboot. I haven't looked at anything pornographic, nor fantasised for the whole time. I have masturbated 5 times over this period (the longest gap between masturbation has been 70 days).

I don't feel like I'm recovering. I am getting some morning erections but my libido is at an absolute zero. In fact, the thought of becoming intimate with my partner actually makes me feel ill. It's a similar situation to when you've eaten too much of a particular kind of food and the thought of another piece makes you feel ill. Has anyone else experienced this? I know I need to rewire with my partner but I really feel an aversion to sexual contact at the moment. This is soul destroying. My partner is an amazing woman. She's very attractive, but the though of initiating anything sexual just makes me feel sick.

I'm not a young man. I had plenty of sexual experience before I got addicted to porn and masturbation (edging in particular).

I'm coming up for 8 months without porn and I'm starting to lose hope. I know Gabe took a year and a half to fully recover, so I just have to dig in and keep going. I'm just curious if anyone else has had similar symptoms (feeling sick at the thought of sex) and recovering after a long reboot.



I discovered porn when I was about 13 years old. I found my dad’s stash of porn magazines and my turbulent affair with porn began. A few years later and most homes had a VHS recorder. My friends were able to get their hands on some grainy videos of porn and they would get passed around. I usually had a video for about a week and then I had to pass it on to another friend. As a result, there were always periods where I had no access to porn. The Internet came along and I was in porn paradise! The images were slow to download but after a few years the speed of the Internet improved and we find ourselves in a world where we can stream porn for free, whenever we want. However, porn isn’t free. Like most other things in life there is usually a price to pay. The price of porn is eventually castration!

I’ve had a good number of sexual relationships over the years. I noticed during one of my last relationships that it would take me forever to ejaculate. I would be dripping in sweat by the time I finished. My heart would be pounding and I would feel like death. I knew there was a problem but I didn’t connect it to porn. My girlfriend at the time, who knew nothing about my porn habits, told me I should stop watching porn. She knew instinctively that my delayed ejaculation (DE) was linked to porn use. I didn’t really think much about what she’d said. We split up when I got a new job in a different town. I met a new woman, my current girlfriend, and sex was good to start with. Then I started to suffer with DE. I thought it was just because of my age as I was coming up to my 50th birthday. Then I had a couple of occasions where I just couldn’t get an erection. This was followed by a general sense of disinterest in sex. Of course, I wasn’t disinterested in porn. I continued to watch porn whenever I had the opportunity.

In my opinion, edging is the worst possible masturbation strategy. I would edge for hours at a time. I discovered Gary Wilson’s video and I knew, without any doubt that he was describing my problem. I decided something had to be done. So I decided to reboot.

1st Reboot

My first reboot started on 10th November 2014 and was successful. I made the decision to eliminate all Porn, Mastubation and Orgam (PMO) and after only 38 days I was cured. I had some great sex with my girlfriend. The sensations were unbelievable! I had about 10 days where my sex life was back on track. Solid erections and reaching orgasm before my stamina gave out! It was amazing. Stupidly, I decided that just looking at some stills of beautiful women wouldn’t do any harm. No porn videos, no sex photos, just naked women. I didn’t watch porn for about a year but my interest in pictures of nude women escalated and I started reading fetish comics and then inevitably I started watching porn videos again on-line. Obviously, this resulted in the return of my previous PIED.

2nd Reboot

My second reboot started on 10th July 2015. After about 27 days I was getting very strong urges to look at porn but I resisted. I had flatlined for most of this period. I felt confident because my previous reboot had reaped its rewards after only 38 days. As a result, I was expecting to come out of my flatline about 10 days later. Day 38 came, and went and I was stuck in a heavy flatline. I wasn’t particularly worried. I was just looking forward to having sex with my girlfriend again when it was all over. Day 60 came, and went and I was still in my flatline. I was confident I’d come out of my flatline and things would be good again. Sexually, I felt nothing. No desire to masturbate or to have sex with my girlfriend! On day 71 I came back to life and I had sex with my girlfriend again and it was fantastic. I don’t know what possessed my but 5 days later I looked at some porn and I almost came without even touching myself. My head was swimming, my heart pumping. The excitement was incredible!  I got a little frightened by the experience. I hadn’t masturbated and I’d only glanced at porn for about 10 minutes. However, on day 100 I was online, watching and downloading porn just like in the past! It started slowly but escalated and before I knew it I had been spent 2 months watching porn and reverted to my same old masturbation habits. I tried to reduce my consumption of porn and could spend a few days without but I always returned to late night binges accompanied by edging during the long sessions. I was completely disgusted with myself. I decided that I would have to eliminate porn from my life once and for all. I decided to commit to my third and final reboot!

3rd Reboot

My 3rd reboot started on the 22nd February 2016. I had a 13 day streak and relapsed for one evening and started again. This lasted for 8 days before I relapsed for about an hour one evening. So, I started again. This time I managed an 11 day streak before I looked at porn one evening and masturbated. I started again! I started to get really strong cravings to look at porn on day 14 and on day 28 I looked at porn for about 1 minute and then I came to my senses, disconnected from the Internet and went to bed without masturbating. On 26th March I started from zero again and did well for 30 days but on day 30 I slipped a little. Nothing major just the odd glance for a minute or two and then I came to my senses and disconnected and went and did something else to distract myself. The problem is that this pattern of relapsing lasted from day 30 to day 36.

Interestingly, during my relapse between day 30 and day 36 I didn’t masturbate. I looked for a couple of minutes each day, probably a maximum of 2-3 minutes each time but I didn’t touch myself in any way. I mention this because I think it’s pretty significant. Those few minutes every day really set me back. They weren’t binges and didn’t involve MO but the old porn pathways were being strengthened even though I wasn’t masturbating to orgasm.

I should have been more vigilant and I thought I had ridden out the storm when on day 42 I had just added another successful day to my calendar and was about to switch off my computer and go to bed when, before I even knew it, I was watching porn, masturbating and edging. I couldn’t even recall the moment when my will power broke and I decided that looking at porn would be a good idea. This addiction is very, very powerful.

I decided not to reset my counter. It was only one evening. On day 69 I noted that my penis was completely lifeless. The only times it had been raised from its slumber were during the relapses to porn. If I watched porn I could get an erection. I also noted on day 69 that my testicles were aching a little. The flatline for me is a strange sensation. It feels as though my genitals have been removed. That area around my groin just feels empty. I also noted that I was becoming irritable and feeling a little depressed around this time. Nothing major but definitely a change in my mood.

I continued with this run (even though I had one brief relapse on day 69) and made the conscious decision to masturbate without porn or fantasy on day 84 and day 100. I just thought I needed to do something to wake up my libido. I was really happy when I was able to have sex again on day 113, day 120, day 127 and day 128. Unbelievably, 2 days later I masturbated to porn, then again 6 days later! I reset my counter and started again. Here is a break down of my next streak. It makes depressing reading.

24 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.
1 day then PMO.
9 days then PMO.
4 days then PMO.
1 day then PMO.
83 days then I had sex.  :)
The next day PMO.
3 days then PMO.
4 days then PMO.
1 day then PMO.
12 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.
4 days then PMO.
8 days then PMO.
2 days then 2 days of consecutive PMO.
2 days of consecutive PMO.
6 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.
9 days then 2 days of consecutive PMO.

I was furious with myself so I decided to start a new reboot the next day.  >:(

4th reboot

Fueled by rage I really set out to beat this addiction! I managed to stay away from porn, masturbation and orgasm for 146 days!  :) I felt desperate on day 146. My penis was dead. It was numb to the touch and had shriveled away to almost nothing. I felt emasculated. What is a man without a penis? That’s how I felt. The rest of my body had sensations. I could feel that I had feet, hands, arms, back, legs and head. I couldn’t even feel that I had a penis. I was sad and I thought ‘fuck it!’ and masturbated to porn on the evening of day 146.  :(

I opened some porn and my dick immediately sprang to life. All of I sudden I could feel I had a penis. There it was erect, tingling and mocking me as if to say ‘give me what I want and I’ll give you’re the reassurance you’re still a man’. I ejaculated and 30 seconds later I had my head in my hands wondering why I’d just undone all the previous good work. I felt like shit. I woke up the next day depressed because I knew this was once again, day one.

10 days then PMO.
6 days then PMO.
62 days then PMO.
14 days then PMO.
1 day then PMO.
4 days then PMO.
7 days then PMO.
10 days then PMO.
2 days then PMO.
2 days then PMO.
2 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.
2 days then PMO.
1 day then 2 consecutive days of PMO.
3 days then PMO.
10 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.
3 days then PMO.

This last period of relapse took me to a very dark place. By now my porn tastes had shifted from standard male/female fare to shemale porn and perhaps the most distressing of all, sissy porn. During 2017 I wasn’t able to have sex with my girlfriend. Not even once. I felt humiliated. Perhaps it was this humiliation that drove me to start watching sissy hypnosis. Here was all the justification I needed. I felt pathetic. I had a penis that didn’t work so I couldn’t satisfy my girlfriend. I had an asshole so perhaps I could get some pleasure that way. I started reading sissy blogs and was even considering hooking up with a gay friend I know. Some of the stuff I read on those blogs was sickening. It’s all about humiliation but for some reason the idea of humiliation was exciting. It was nonsense. I know I’m not gay. I’ve had a decent number of female sexual partners and our sex was always good. It’s very important to educate yourself about porn addiction and the scientific explanations about neuroplasticity. Clearly, this new ‘fetish’ was simply fueled by my rewards circuit's need for new, shocking porn and experiences. My dopamine receptors no longer got a sufficient hit from the porn genres I’d conditioned myself too previously. This primitive reward circuitry almost pushed me into becoming the receptive partner in a gay relationship. The idea of being penetrated was the only thing that was giving me a sufficiently high dopamine hit.  Fortunately, I came to my senses. I knew my porn use had distorted my perception of my own sexuality and from this very, very dark place I decided to finally get this monkey off my back.

On January 2nd 2018 I started my 5th reboot.

Today is day 89 and I have almost completely forgotten about transsexual porn and sissy porn. It doesn’t even enter my head. As I was writing the paragraph above it was almost as if I was writing about someone I don’t even know, but 3 months ago this was my reality. It’s proof of how porn destroys lives. I’ve almost finished my 90 day reboot in hardmode and I’m still flatlining. I have no libido. However, the changes in my thought patterns have been significant and I’m sure that it will only be a matter of time before I recover. This morning I stroked my penis for a few minutes while thinking about work (the least sexually stimulating thing I could think of) and I got an 80% erection. It’s a small indicator of the success to come I think.

Sorry for the long post but it helps me to get things off my chest and put into perspective. It might contain something that is relevant to you and hopefully will help anyone new to really understand the gravity of the problem and how important it is to break this addiction. I’ll continue to post progress reports or insights.

Good luck!  ;)

I've just completed day 66 and I've noticed that my HOCD has pretty much disappeared as has my desire to look at porn. I'm not going to be complacent about this because I know that the urge to look at porn can creep up unexpectedly so I have to remain vigilant.

The only thing I have to report is that my penis has been completely dead since day one of this reboot and I'm starting to think it will never come back to life! I know this is probably normal and it's my brain playing tricks on me. I looked at my calendar and saw that I masturbated to porn on the 1st of January. This proves I can get an erection. Sadly, it proves that I can only get an erection to porn! I just have to ride this wave out!

I'm writing this just to fish for similar stories of long flatlines. I know a 66 day flatline isn't so long but at the moment I don't feel as though anything could wake my penis up. How have you normally come out of your flatlines. Has it been sudden or gradual. How long were you in your flatline for?

Thanks for any feedback.

Ages 40 and up / The Battle Still Rages.
« on: February 22, 2018, 03:57:44 AM »
This has been one of the most difficult struggles I've ever had to face. I've been suffering with PIED for about 4 years now. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman but our sex life has been non existent for almost 3 years. I feel so guilty that she's had to endure this for so long. I'm 53 years old.

How did it all start? The journey is much the same as for other addicts our age; porn mags, VHS tapes, dial up internet then BANG! tube sites. I've always been attracted to women and I've always had one particular fetish (it's nothing outlandish and probably quite mundane as fetishes go).

My taste in porn has passed through the well documented phases from vanilla to where I find myself now, getting off to transexual and sissy porn. HOCD raised its head about a year and a half ago and my fantasies revolve around being a submissive sissy. This is new for me so I know this is porn induced due to seeking new and novel genres to get my dopamine hit. My girlfriend doesn't know anything about this. I need to rid myself of this addiction because I love my girlfriend very much and want to have meaningful sex with her again.

I started NOFAP 22nd Feb 2016 and, like most people trying to quit porn addiction, I relapsed several times in the first month. I then managed a run of 41 days but relapsed one evening. It was only one night. I started counting again and managed a run of 66 day before I found myself masturbating to porn. Once again, this was just a relapse which lasted an evening. However, I did feel some benefits of the cumulative runs and managed to have sex with my partner 3 times in a month. I remember it felt amazing. After this I had a really bad month where I fapped seven times in one month. This was September 2016.

I started again. I had a run of NOFAP for 82 days and on day 83 I had sex with my partner. This led to a relapse and I fapped 14 times over a 3 month period. So, I started again. I abstained from porn and masturbation for 146 days! I flatlined the whole period. I panicked and watched some porn. As you might expect, I had no problem getting an erection to porn. It meant I'd broken my run but I went another 10 days without PMO before relapsing and so I started another run which lasted 62 days. Between October 2017 and January 2018 I relapsed 16 times.

On 2nd January 2018 I started again. I'm on day 52. This morning I had a solid erection which didn't subside for almost an hour! This is the first sign of any progress during this reboot. My penis has been dead and shrivelled since day one of this reboot.

The following might seem a little strange, but you have to understand that I am desperate. My girlfriend and I live and work in different towns so we only really see each other at the weekends. During the week the urge to masturbate to porn is so intense. I had to stop! I had to somehow break the connection between porn and gratification thought orgasm. To help me with this I bought a male chastity device. When I get home from work I lock myself up in this thing and stay locked up until the morning when I remove it before going to work. It's drastic, I know. I've unconsciously found my hands wandering down to start touching myself only to encounter this piece of plastic covering my cock. I wouldn't recommend this as a solution for everyone. It's not uncomfortable to wear during the evening but in the middle of the night when I do get fleeting nocturnal erections it's really painful. However, I haven't masturbated for 52 days. I think I've broken the unconscious habit of stimulating myself but I'm going to give myself another 30 days in chastity. It's always there as an option to prevent me from masturbating.

Today I think I felt the first green shoots of recovery, which prompted my to write this. I've struggled for years with this and just want to let others know that they aren't alone in this. I know it can be done because I have recovered in he past only to fall back into bad habits. If I have any other significant improvements or anything negative to warn you about I'll post again. If you have any questions I'll try and answer them.

Good luck to everyone trying to break this addiction and stay strong!

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