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Topics - 4moa

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Ages 30-39 / Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: November 06, 2017, 11:09:12 AM »
Hello everyone. I've been lurking for a few weeks after my wife found this site, reading posts of other guys as well as what the loved ones go through and have found it to be very encouraging.

My experience is a little different than most that I've read. I guess this is the one time that I'm fortunate to not hardly know shit about computers. However I can assure you that the outcome from looking at magazines or DVD movies that come with the magazines can destroy your life and everything that's important in it just as easily.

My porn use started around the age of ten, my brothers and I found a box of mags dumped on a dirt road near our house. We would look at them quite often but no M as my brothers were there nearly every time. That's started a little later at the house. If I did M it was always just fantasies no visual stimulation. With the exception of a few times making calls to sex lines. My parents ended up finding out about the magazines and of course it's hard to hide calls to a sex chat line when you're not paying the phone bill.

So things tapered off( as far as porn use) because I didn't have any real access  until I was older, but I was still M daily sometimes more than once a day. So fast forward to about 18 years old and I was asked to leave the house by my father because I refused to follow House Rules the main ones being attending church, refusing  to quit smoking,or give up all of my friends that did not belong to our religion. I have younger siblings and not following house rules was a bad influence on them.

I have a very outgoing and gregarious personality so meeting women wasn't difficult for me in fact for the next 5 years I was very promiscuous.  Through that time porn at least seemed like more of a way to fill in the gaps when I wasn't with an actual person. I started dating my wife almost 16 years ago. For the first year or so of dating porn really didn't come into my daily life. ( my wife is definitely the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I know you guys have heard that before but I'm telling you there really is no one that can even come close to her beauty on planet Earth and that's not just because I love her) just imagine the most stunning woman you've ever seen in your life....... now give up because that's not even close to how beautiful my wife is.

So life is great I'm with a beautiful woman that makes love to me everyday sometimes more than once a day. I actually remember pissing her off once because I told her that sometimes I might just be tired and we don't have to have sex everyday.  We moved in together and life settles down and slowly I fall back into a routine of picking up a A porn mag and m in gas station bathrooms before or after work. I ended up back on a chat line which my wife found out about just a few months after we were married. Of course my wife was devastated and I felt like a huge pile of s*** for doing this to the woman I loved.

That was 2005 and despite my best efforts and sincere promises I would continue to relapse until present day. Never truly understanding why it was so difficult to stay away from porn. I mean I have a beautiful wife three beautiful children and from all outward appearances a great life so what is so wrong with me that I can't get this under control.
To make matters worse if it's possible not one single time of all the times did I go to my wife and admit what I had done. I never even gave her a chance to be understanding or too lean on her for support. So it was never just about the ACT but I also about the Betrayal the lies and hiding it from the one person I love the most in the world. I always felt such shame and disgusted for myself and actions and I've never been a very open person about my feelings so as much as I wanted to tell her I just used the excuse of "well today's going so good, or today is going so bad no need to make it worse I'll tell her later" but I never had to tell her she always knew that wonderful amazing woman can read me like a book. She would ask if everything's going okay I would lie, she would pretend to believe me, and life would go on until things would come to a head again and she could finally get me to admit that I was in fact looking at porn.

I disclosed to my wife 2 weeks ago which nothing I had to tell her I think was too much of a surprise. But we are getting close to the straw that's going to break the camel's back. I feel like a Broken Man that's dying of thirst and there's a cup of water right in front of me. My wife still loves me but I've hurt her and betrayed her so many times that she keeps me at arm's length. I want so bad what probably all of us do that are in a relationship, a redo a fresh start but I know that the only thing that will bring my wife back into my arms is time to rebuild the trust that was lost.

I Have PIED, brain fog and I'm quite depressed
I haven't PMO since September 17th so I guess that makes 51 days today
I should be happier about that accomplishment then I am.
Most days I feel like my chest is coming apart I feel actual pain inside my body. I normally conceal carry a pistol everyday because of the area's I have to work but I stopped doing this not because I'm afraid of what I'll do with it but I just feel so depressed that if someone wanted to Rob or kill me I'd probably be okay with it.
I don't know what fapping is but if it has anything to do with this sort of s*** I haven't done that since September 17th either.

Anyway I know I'm leaving a ton of s*** out but this is really hard to do on my cell phone and I've got to get back to work if you made it this far through this rambling story thank you. I look forward to being in this group and beating this disgusting addiction no matter what it takes.

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