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Topics - hutch144

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Porn Addiction / I'M INSANE. Porn always kicks me down
« on: June 08, 2020, 03:34:45 PM »
Hi guys,
I'm in the middle of an insane porn binge. I stopped for 16 days and like a slingshot that was pulled all the way back during my abstinence porns come over me with a vengeance. I'm working from home and have gotten no work done because I keep fapping, complete binge. as soon as I'm done I can't believe it happened. I have no control once a binge ensues. I sometimes get a few weeks no fap, couple times a 2 months, then the relapses are horrid. I completely change and life looses its colour and all that matters is porn. I start lying to people so I can go fap, turn down social occasions to fap. Insomnia kicks in, I just go nuts and then after I'm burned out climb back on the horse and continue nofap. The nofap me is way better, I feel way better during nofap streaks only thing is porn cravings are on me like wolves. I feel more motivated and get ^&%$ done, but there always comes this strange moment where for some reason I don't have my mental defenses up and some weird excuse for porn sounds like a great idea. then its off again. The suffering of Porn is wild. I believe whole heartedly its as addictive as crack cocaine. Its truly mind blowing how insane this obsession is. I've been trying to boot it out of my life for 4 years and can't get out of its talons. Its got like a hawk that won;t let go. I suffer immensely watching porn and suffer immensely through cravings and withdrawals when not watching..... its driven me to serious bottoms where I'm temporarily suicidal. just want to leave and live on an island with no technology for a year where porn is non-existent. Its toxic garbage. Need to vent because truly Im in despair, any of you who've ever been in the horror of a porn-binge I'm sure understand. Need to climb back on that horse. Im def getting period of weeks with no porn and used to watch every day, so small progress, but I'm still feeling mentally ill with porn; its like a devil that has possessed me and chooses when it will take over my mind. I cant resist it sometimes, but not all the time.

Ages 20-29 / Nofap Journal: Starting on day 7
« on: March 06, 2020, 02:29:25 PM »
Hello to all. This is going to be where I post daily progress, vent, and keep accountable. I am day 7 of nofap. This is painful to say but i've been trying for almost 4 years to quit. Have gone two months at most, but never escaped the withdrawals. The porn demon has remained in the drivers seat for the most part. In any case, I'm not messing around. I'm going to write here and sort of keep a record of ups downs, and the thoughts. Withdrawals are utter hell. Wish me luck and hope it may offer help and relatability to other guys suffering.

Porn Addiction / Need to Vent: maybe fellas can relate
« on: August 05, 2019, 10:00:38 PM »
It is the final week of school. I am almost finished the first semester of my final year. It has gone by quickly. I am currently recovering from a two day stretch of an aggressive porn bender, the first session was 9 hours long, and the second, the next day, was 6 hours long. Today I woke up completely disinterested in everything as if sleepwalking. I stayed inside all day and completed a few mundane tasks. I studied about 9 pages of Locke, which was highly uncomfortable, boring, and it took tremendous will power to focus. At no point was I interested or curious about his ideas. I did laundry, and cooked, and meditated for an hour (the meditation was an hour of feeling deeply- a heaviness, boredom, and restlessness in my soul). Now this could sound impressive to some, I suppose, or not impressive but at least not horrible, but I really did not complete any real work. It felt like anything requiring even a semblance of effort was like holding a 300 pound bar on my back. Usually, I could go to the library and hustle and actually complete the work- but porn zaps the brain, kills who I am.
   The truth is, I am scared of porn. I am frightened of how impossible it has been to stay stopped (I’ve been trying to quit for two and a half years). I am afraid of time passing, knowing that I am mentally ill, that my brain is warped, that i’ve been lost in a disinterested fog for so long that I don’t know what its like to be healthy and normal, and that I can’t escape it, and maybe condemned to live only a half-life under porns  &*%!ing spell. I don’t want to be done with porn when I am 50 and my 20’s and 30’s wasted in this life-sucking addiction. But time and time again I have written in this way and thought in this way, determined never to do it, but the insanity comes in, and I fall back into porn, then get all messed up, and leave it alone for a few weeks, then press repeat, again and again. On a positive note, I’m not giving up. Don’t care, can’t go back to just passively watching it.

Hey, im hoping to set up actual in person meet ups rather than forums (TORONTO). Ive recovered from other addictions and the key to 12 step programs is the in person relating and sharing. There doesnt seem to be that available with porn addiction and its easily the worst addiction ive encountered and from reading this forum im hearing the same from others. Anyone interested in grabbing a coffee to discuss this, I think this may be a huge solution.

I have been trying to quit for 3.5 years since i read the book "Your Brain On Porn". Reading that was an extremely positive experience because i suspected i had a serious problem with porn but people kept saying porn is healthy. Reading that was discovering a gold mine. Iv'e noticed since the tube sites emerged around 2006, i've been disinterested with life in a vague, subtle, yet powerful way when i look at the choices i make. IM like zapped of a zest for life, i cant seem to care. and "not all that interested" in anything. Anyways, when i read the book, I immediately started trying to abstain, and so began the last three and a half year battle of no porn streaks, intense and horrid withdrawals, followed by severe binges, which are even worse than the withdrawals. The binges are even more aggressive then before i ever attempted to abstain. I go sometimes 30 days (usually only 10) then go on a ravenous bender. For a while i'm good, feeling steady without porn, then cravings and withdrawal (restless legs and horniness keep me up many nights).
Ive started meditation and yoga, running during insomnia, im doing reallywell inunivesity which i attribute to the abstinance ive had, i think ive healed slightly, during period of nofap my mojo feels back, im motivated, reading, exercising, socializing. But then the porn demon comes back and posseses me.... someitmes it comes back 10 days in, sometimes i can fight it for 40 days.... but i always go back, and the longer ive obstained the worse the relapse; its like an elastic is being pulled back further and further every day i go without. Anwyas, i thought porn addiction was a minor thing. but im seeing im serverely ill, really $%!@'d. its ruining me. Im going to keep fighting the good fight, im going to do this, but is anyone having such insane trouble. I see people getting a year nofap and they seem like Gods. this is so insane. But anyways, thankful for this forem and all the fellas in the struggle. 

So for a year and a half I've been trying to stop. Most I have gotten is one month no nap. Usually I get to the 14 day mark then an onslaught of porn cravings throw me back.
Day 2: feel a little zapped. Was on a three day binge (really aggressive) and barely slept before this. So i'm feeling almost dream like, not too interested in anything, everything seems like it might not be real. No cravings though.

There's the good me. The no fap me. I'm hard working, interested in people, energetic, girls like me and I have a zest for things. I make moves. Then theres the relapsed on porn me, or the middle-of-a-bender me. I'm a deflated baloon. Do not care about anything, can barely even pretend to. Any work I get done is forced and empty. I barely care about girls, work, school future plans don't matter. Even my buddy inviting me to backpack in south america seems completely uninteresting and actually tedious (which is insane) in porn-mode-me. Anyways, I just seem to be having an insanely hard time with this. I'm 27, and have been watching Prn since I was 11... The tube sites came around when i was about 17 so I've been indulging in those for 10 years... THe addiction has built up heavily. Iv'e quit drinking and drugs fairly easily (I just needed to), but this is a whole other monster. Real withdrawals, insomnia, I enter a nofap grey zone where life feels flat except porn urges are FLARING. How do guys get through that? I've demonstrated storng power in other areas of my life... successful and physically active. Porn just keeps taking me down... I've been trying to stop for a year and a half and I string togther two weeks to a month, then i slip and the slip is BAD. feels like it erases all progress. I mean, in the last year, with all those two weeks to a month nofap, I have substantially decreased porn overall, but then the relapses are horrible. Takes me a few days to feel myself after stopping then its back to nofap again, definitely feel better but I want to get to that hump where the cravings are gone and porns a non entity. i want it gone sooooo badly. Anyways, hope guys can talk about withdrawals, cravings, relapses, and how it feels to get past them. I want to have fap gone completely, I'm not looking for a break or to decrease, I want porn out of my life for good. Thanks.

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