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Messages - PE30

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: March 25, 2019, 04:00:17 AM »
Morning all

It's day 240 - I gave myself a bit of a shock over the weekend as I sailed far too close to the wind on Friday afternoon. Didn't go on a chat room or watch porn or anything but was properly properly tempted for the first time in ages. I know where I went wrong, but I scared myself.

Still on the wagon. Onwards and upwards for the week.

2
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: March 22, 2019, 02:41:16 AM »
Thank you :) my wife is amazing, she's such a rock. I'm really open to her about feeling low from time to time - I've been through counselling and CBT in the past and she's been really supportive. She's amazing and I love her loads.

This is day 237 anyway. I'm doing my usual thing of posting on a day when I know it's going to be slightly tricky for me. I didn't have much sleep last night as I had to be up mega-early for work, and I've got an afternoon at home. Probably going to have a nap when I get in. Things are otherwise okay. Have a great weekend everyone!

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 19, 2019, 01:29:20 PM »
Rich, I find your journal so frustrating!

Your answer to everything seems to be "I'm just going to strive in *this* area or read *this* thing or NEVER EVER do that" or whatever, and you keep making these commitments and vows but they count for nothing, sadly. You say you're committed to your wife but you behave like you don't care about her feelings. You seem determined to fix this yourself with no external assistance, but it's not working. It's been years.

I really think you need to get external help, and not say "oh I'll leave it til I move / til I sort my drinking out / til things settle down at home". Stop procrastinating, lay your pride to one side and say "yes, I'm Rich, I am addicted to porn, and I cannot beat this without help"

And then breathe because you're not alone in this and there are people in real life who can help you break this cycle. I would never have got to day 234 on my own.

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: March 18, 2019, 03:47:46 AM »
Day 233

Nothing major to report. Another week under my belt- no real desire to go back to old habits but there's still the ongoing fight against general feelings of low self worth and stress. Overall though I'm in reasonable shape.

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 14, 2019, 07:21:16 AM »
Who are you accountable to, Rich?

6
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 11, 2019, 12:22:49 PM »
What is needed?

A total rethink.

I can see that you are trying to beat this addiction but it's consistently not working. I don't think 'trying harder' is the answer. Not sure what the answer is.

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: March 11, 2019, 05:49:02 AM »
Day 226

Had some very intense dreams last night about the woman I was involved with a few years ago. Previously when I've had dreams they've been about how angry she is with me, but this time she indicated that she wanted me back. I think that's quite interesting: I do think there's a degree to which we're fighting this battle in a world where there are forces for good and evil, and I do think that temptation is out there, trying to dilute my will and desire to put this thing to death.

As it happens, there's no way on earth that I'd get in contact with this woman, but it's weird how these things crop up from time to time.

Life is otherwise progressing. I'm making good progress with my work, and the sun is shining outside. No particular milestones to look forward to in my reboot - I just have to take one day at a time.

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: March 09, 2019, 12:06:23 PM »
Day 224

Feeling pretty up and down emotionally - was really happy and relaxed yesterday after a day off, but now I feel a little stressed about work and general tiredness / busyness. I could spend every hour of my day working and still not resolve everything. Life is pretty relentless sometimes.

Nevertheless I'm still clean and have been staying clear of temptation. This is 32 weeks now. Really want to mark my first anniversary in a few months time.

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: March 06, 2019, 01:23:28 PM »
Day 221 I believe

Nothing really has changed. Trying to just keep on a sensible and straight path - nothing dramatic. Keeping an eye on myself when I'm tired and tempted. Not doing anything stupid. Eyes still have a slight tendency to wander but I think that's just something I need to kill off every time it happens.

Life is busy but otherwise good.

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: March 01, 2019, 04:49:53 PM »
Ah that's really encouraging. I want people know: it's not easy, but it is possible. I just have to make a daily choice to stay away. Today is day 216, but look back when I was on day 13 or 33 or 56 or whatever. I still have to make the same daily choice now as I have done for the past seven months.

Tbh I'm aware of how easy it would be right now to fall. But it's not going to happen because I'm not going to let it. I choose to stay close to my wife, to love God, to be a good colleague and employee. I can't beat this through the mere absence of negative. There's got to be a positive alternative,a new life to nurture.

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: February 27, 2019, 04:32:10 AM »
Day 214

Slept for nearly 12 hours last night and feel a bit better. Got a busy day ahead at work - first day in the office for a fortnight.

It would be easy to feel quite low following a holiday but I've got lots to look forward to - just need to remember that my mood levels are going to be a bit all-over-the-place over the next few days. Old me would have definitely indulged in some chat room or porn or something. Trying to develop a healthy hatred of that side of me.

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: February 26, 2019, 10:36:59 AM »
Day 213

Just back from the USA - was an amazing trip all in all! Am very tired today as I didn't really sleep on the plane, so I do need to watch myself over the next few days to make sure that temptation doesn't creep in.

Still going.

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: February 20, 2019, 04:25:19 PM »
Day 207

Halfway through our USA trip! It's hot and sunny here - there are plenty of good looking people on the beach but I'm working hard to keep my eyes honest. Having a lovely time with the family.


14
Success Stories / Re: 200 days clean :)
« on: February 13, 2019, 06:13:33 AM »
200 days clean :)

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: February 13, 2019, 06:11:50 AM »
Day 200! It's getting to the stage where it's tricky to count the days. I know that Saturday was a day zero so I work around multiples of seven.

I'd say that the second 100 days are a lot more straightforward than the first. That's not to say it's easy: I still get occasional pangs of temptation. I have been trying to put temptation to death early and not let it germinate. I've read stuff about emotional relapse before: where you haven't physically succumbed but have spent so much time dwelling on the possibility that it's very difficult to prevent a full relapse.

I'm still praying lots, seeking God, not taking anything for granted. I can't do this alone.

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: February 11, 2019, 04:50:28 PM »
Day 198

Getting through the days. I've got two days of work to go - then we head down to Gatwick and then over to the USA. Can't wait. Feeling a bit nervous for some reason but I always get a bit like this before going away somewhere.

Things are generally okay at the moment. Just trying to stay healthy, not slip, be kind to others, make the most of each day.

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: February 10, 2019, 02:24:20 AM »
Yep it seems like a 'middle circle' behaviour if you ask me.

There's a proverb which states "delight yourself in the wife of your youth" - basically, I find that thinking about my wife helps melt away the desire for the other. I know things aren't easy for you and her so it might be worth talking these issues through with someone?

Glad you're persevering.

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: February 09, 2019, 02:29:40 AM »
Glad to see you get a few days under your belt. Personally I think that looking up women on the internet is a dangerous game. I once ended up relapsing partly as a result of looking up people's Insta accounts.

It's your reboot though, your choice.

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: February 05, 2019, 02:35:14 AM »
Rich, I'm confused. Why are you looking these women up in the first place?

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: February 04, 2019, 11:23:29 AM »
It's day 191. Weirdly, I had some pretty intense dreams last night: one (not sexual) involving the person I had the affair with; another (a bit racier) involving chat rooms and some irl cheating (only as far as kissing but still). I wonder why these dreams still occur?

I think there is still a part of me that still grieves for my past life. Recovering from an addiction is a bit like living with brain damage: there's a well-worn groove in my brain which tries to point me down that path. I think there's always be a battle to stay clean.

I had a good time at church yesterday. The sermon was on freedom, that is provided by the grace of God. I know that in my own strength I will always fail. But grace unburdens me from the failures of the past. Just have to keep holding on to it!

We're going away in a week and half's time. That'll make 201 days chat-room free.

21
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: February 03, 2019, 01:53:05 PM »
Thank you :) the chat rooms have always been the biggest temptation so I'm looking forward to a year clean of those.

Still, this has been by far the cleanest twelve months of my adult life.

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: February 03, 2019, 02:31:28 AM »
I'm on day 190. Also now a full year and a day clean of porn.

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: February 03, 2019, 02:29:29 AM »
Thanks. I don't think I can say much more than I've already said. ED was gone by day 3 or 4; impact on MH has been lifelong and scarring.


24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: January 28, 2019, 12:11:14 PM »
Today is day 184, and is also six months since I last went on to a chat room.

I don't think there'll ever be a magic day where I'll no longer feel the pull of temptation. I have definitely felt temptation within the last week - even within the last 24 hours. However, I think two things are of particular help when it comes to maintaining a long streak. Firstly, I know I got through yesterday and therefore I got through today. I've got through days where I've felt suicidal, where I've despaired, where I've just felt angry and frustrated about life... and I've got to the end of those days and not used porn and not used a chat room. Secondly, I know how much it hurts to fall. I don't want to do that to myself. The pain of failure is worse than the fleeting thrill of porn and chat rooms.

I've had a bit of a rubbish few days: I fell off my bike last week, and I've had said bike stolen over the weekend. Nevertheless I'll keep going.

25
Success Stories / Re: Six months clean :)
« on: January 28, 2019, 11:03:53 AM »
Made it to six months :)

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