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Messages - hoague

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Another voice in the wind
« on: September 07, 2016, 02:34:41 PM »
I hear you, Bob - it's all my choice in the end. What I'm risking and actually giving up in terms of closeness with my wife for transient moments with someone else. It's exactly like the hour or whatever that would be total immersion with PMO and then I'd be relaxed. Talk to her on the phone an hour ago and I'm feeling good, right up until the point her husband gets home and she hangs up.

It's like I'm a pathetic-aholic. Ever get busted during a PMO session? Same feeling. Fortunately you guys have lived this stuff too - always easier to hear the truth from people that have walked the path. I guess I'll start looking at the physical withdrawal sensations as a positive move toward healing. Freaking brain - why is it wired this way?

Ages 40 and up / Re: Another voice in the wind
« on: September 07, 2016, 08:04:43 AM »
Thanks for checking in, TK. Just finishing up my trip. Still on the wagon as far as PMO goes. Not very physically comfortable at the moment. Does the need to release go away? Just wait for autopilot to take over while you sleep?

Can't manage to stop pursuing this woman from work. Hard to separate true feelings from PMO-fueled lust. 26 days trying to stop PMO and trying to stop chasing her. So I'm 26 days no PMO and 6 hours no cheat. I'm a damn mess right now. PMO could at least remove the tension - maybe I should postpone the reboot until I bring the extracurricular activities under control? Or just keep taking it one day at a time, find some success with PMO and use that to fuel the thoughts of a better life?

Just life, right?

Ages 40 and up / Re: Another voice in the wind
« on: August 31, 2016, 02:03:38 PM »
Finally got some control and ended it with my 'other significant other' - now back to my old nemesis PMO. What was it Tom Cruise said in Cocktail in the 80's - 'if things didn't end badly they wouldn't end'? Should know better by this age than to get into that kind of silly stuff. Maybe after I get my mind clear and heal a little I can be more objective and decisive around the reasons I felt the need to pursue someone other than my wife.

With almost three weeks gone since my last session, I can say gabe's advice of extreme exercise, nature and people works pretty well. My current record (over the past 30 years) is 31 days and that's the only other time I made it past 10 days so that's pretty cool. Makes me want to try quitting all my bad habits!

On a trip to utah right now to see zion and bryce canyons. I have a hard time not looking at womens' legs/feet and, at the airport in vegas today, i switched trains when a hot blonde with great legs walked in with her guy. My new rule is if i'm going to invade her privacy by staring at her i'm going to talk to her. Given my complete lack of game, that should get me out of most challenging situations. Sort of like not putting the bag of cheetohs in the grocery cart. If I don't look at it in the wild, i'll be less likely to turn to it at home. I hope anyway. Time alone is the worst - just have to keep moving and looking ahead.

Cheers everyone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: August 29, 2016, 10:40:27 PM »
Bob congrats man. It's wonderful to see and inspirational. It is the first taste of something bad for you that triggers the binge. Great imagery and a great thing to keep in mind.

Continued success!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Another voice in the wind
« on: August 29, 2016, 10:34:24 PM »
Thanks guys. I really appreciate the thoughtful insights. You're right TK, it's all rooted in selfish behavior. It's odd I find myself being more honest with the 'other woman' than with my wife. Like it's important that she believes in my integrity given the obvious infidelity in which we are both engaged. I tell myself (and her) that she's different, somehow - that because she came through cancer with a smile over all the pain and what she endured as a young person in vietnam before she was plucked by the good graces of fortune into a wonderful family - because she has that kind of background she's more like a real humpty dumpty that I want to be but haven't found yet. Edited for you guys there of course. :)

I know it's going to end so I don't have to hold back. Because I know on the other side of this is the gaping black maw where i try to heal as you suggest BlueSun and I want something to hold onto. Everything you say rings true - you don't start from my position and I'm sure the suggestion of an open relationship would simply confirm my wife's feelings of inadequacy, crush her and end our relationship. Or at least it would damage it severely as she has no moral breakdown that I've ever seen. She doesn't deserve that (or me most of the time).

It's funny to think of this as sex addiction for me as I don't have sex. Not with my wife since the PIED ruined that and it's so rare to get an extra-marital thing going to that level for me as I'm more into the connection. You're right BlueSun it's hell of a lot of work and I rarely find someone worth the effort (not that I'm worth the effort - the irony isn't lost on me). I chase for a while and stop. To your point, TK, none of it makes me happy. This woman makes me feel good in a selfish way - approaching 50 I'm feeling the growing invisibility from certain women - even as others become attracted. Having someone find my combination of traits interesting that, based on physical evidence so far, could get past the PIED is a rush - no doubt about it. I feel like I've already betrayed the marital trust through using PMO nearly exclusively for seven years since marriage to the point that a dalliance that might get the little general to stand solidly at attention again without imagery is top of mind beyond what it should be. I'd really really like to have sex with this woman. I have used online material so much that I cherish that idea way too much. Even after what, 18 days, that sounds so ridiculous but it was me every day, 3x a day. I feel weak and pathetic for not stopping before but it's grip is immense.

You know I'm interested in feeling less like humpty - I'd like to gain any form of clarity possible and I hope it's coming. What happens when my little cuddly 30 year old runs away and I'm left with memories and reality - that's the part I'm leery about facing. Hopefully having a 90 day reboot will help cut off my usual avenue of escape. BlueSun it is a fog - and it's a well-known fog that can become a sort of blanket that feels like it hides you and protects you even when it's doing neither as you walk toward a cliff.

It sounds like you have a great marriage and an open marriage. It's not one or the other. Congratulations and continued success. I'm quite sure you've earned it through very hard work.

Thank you both again for sharing. It's nice to have some light in the dark.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Another voice in the wind
« on: August 28, 2016, 06:29:45 PM »
Well said, Malando. Appreciate the kick in the backside. And the more gentle version from TK. It's true - it's all looking for an excuse to cheat on my wife because I've only found something that feeds the dopamine cycle when I'm watching porn or cheating. Hypersexualized and being a real piece of work seem to go together. I'm congratulating myself for making 15 days when I'm still chasing a woman at work and dragging her into problems in her marriage and her sense of self. It's all so selfish and that urge to stop should be enough just knowing I'm a piece of sh*t while I'm doing it.

Giving her the option to leave if she knew the full facts. I think that's it exactly, Malando. I've told her about the reboot but only that I'm 15 days clean - that I'm hopeful we can work things out and get close again. Not that I jumped into the reboot because I was so messed up over this other woman that I couldn't hide my emotions and knew it would come out somehow. Friday my wife was out of town and I took the other woman to the airport after a work HH. Of course ended up as you would expect in the cell phone waiting area (I'm a class act alright). Fingers inside her - didn't go all the way - but I might as well have swallowed a bottle of adrenaline. 100 mile bike ride the next day to try to follow the 'extreme exercise/nature/people' mantra, but then texts from her on her trip and spent 3 hours last night on the phone with her. My balls are humming I'm so on edge right now.

Where do you get the strength to do this, guys? This woman is moving and we'll have to shut it down. Maybe that'll be the equivalent to the internet going out. But then I'm trying to pull a woman after yoga class today and that's just a numbers game - eventually something will catch.

I'm really doubting whether I can be the type of man my wife deserves. She definitely doesn't deserve the lack of respect. Do I just tell her and end it - let her find a man that hasn't put his own junk in a vise? Really sucking at life right now.

Appreciate the thoughts. Can therapists get you through?

Ages 40 and up / Re: Another voice in the wind
« on: August 27, 2016, 02:52:03 AM »
had an interesting talk with a buddy today. he and his wife have an open marriage. they essentially date other couples and have, over time, built up what amounts to separate lives with these other 'significant others'. i was talking to him about my reboot - the two week mark finally has come and gone. of course that's easier when you find intimacy with someone - arousal addiction comes naturally with an affair. My buddy's point was that you have to have an alpha outlet. I think he's right. if it's not porn any longer, what is it? Writing a novel or having better intercourse with your wife is a start, but I wonder how to replace the sensation of being with so many different women. I'm hopeful the woman I'm chasing now will last long enough where I'm no longer plugged into the electronic version of arousal addiction, but i worry i'll just find another to go after to get my fix.

He and his wife are very zen about the whole thing. Accepting of one another - at least on the surface. I doubt i could feel comfortable with that kind of arrangement but I am stuck on the primary point that the outlet must be there.

Things to noodle around on.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Another voice in the wind
« on: August 24, 2016, 10:35:36 PM »
Approaching two weeks now - realizing something of the depth of my need for visual stimulation even when it goes nowhere. I'm trying to stop looking but it's impossible. Yoga class - torture. Workout at gym with tons of young nurses - torture. At work in a hospital surrounded by women - torture. Not flirting with said women that are open to it - torture. I use PMO at home out of boredom. During the day is when I'm feeding the dopamine rush. Have built daily activities to ensure I get my fix. How do you fight that?

Need to get back on level ground with the wife. If I could find the mojo from the start of our relationship - something like it anyway where I've got something to chase that doesn't cause a divorce or cost $300/hr.

Not really sure what would be useful to write. I can feel the flat line coming. If I drop work pursuits I'm not sure what's left. No dopamine at all. Drinking I guess...

Ages 40 and up / Re: Another voice in the wind
« on: August 23, 2016, 02:33:05 AM »
Reading William's post thread (reposted here in case anyone hasn't read it)

Reading my own post and coming to the realization that i'm using a hypersexualized series of encounters at work to substitute for porn. I haven't really missed porn at all in the 11 days since I started my reboot. I've left that door open as I chase this woman. She gives me just enough to hang my lousy ass cheating hat on and it's just another lie.

As William says, the dopamine rush is the thing - even the thought of cutting it off with her is enough to send me scrambling to the surreptitious images I took of her legs while we were in the office today. You know, "just to have them for when she's gone". That sick feeling of 'the end' and the desperation. I hoped I could stop PMO, have no orgasms and reboot while still having my cake too, right?

That crushing sensation is there now. And when I pull back she comes back around and I'm there waiting for her. It's one thing to resist the lure of a web link. Quite another the trailing fingertips of a horny younger woman across your shoulders.

How you guys ever get to 90 days is damn hard to imagine.

Ages 40 and up / Re: a new life
« on: August 23, 2016, 02:05:23 AM »
Mark, you're facing a lot. Like you, my problems have been developing over the course of years - they can't go away overnight. It sounds like you're starting to get that virtuous cycle going that comes from asserting control. Avenues of escape just short circuit those efforts. You're making the decisions you need to make to get back on track. I don't know you but I'm proud of you for facing it down. I'm going to follow your example and try to go beyond avoiding PMO to dropping escape routes in general. I can't imagine what that looks like - I hope it really is better on the other side. Thank you for sharing and being an inspiration.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trashing a Life Without Knowing It
« on: August 23, 2016, 01:53:24 AM »
Intense read. From someone just starting the path, it's daunting and sobering. Of course, many warm congratulations for your work to date, Carlson. I hope to find my way as thoughtfully through to the other side as you have. Continued success!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Another voice in the wind
« on: August 23, 2016, 01:24:09 AM »
Really appreciate your comments and thoughts, @bob & @TK-421. I'd like to think I can be worth the love of a good woman. I think that's what p steals from you over time. The self-confidence and ability to focus on other humans. It was really freeing to tell her I'm trying to break the PMO cycle. And even after 11 days I'm feeling less like a lecherous old man and more like a guy that's lost his way but maybe not forever.

I wish I could have back all of the hours and hours I've wasted. That I could make the women that had to feel less-than-adequate understand it really wasn't them.

@TK-421 you hit the nail on the head, the lies you tell yourself and those around you - it's galling to think about. When you're alone in the dark, it's too easy to turn on the computer and lose yourself in it. Too easy to live in that false reality that lets you get to sleep, lets you focus but prevents real meaningful relationships.

I really worry about what it's going to feel like when this woman at work moves on. The last link to a false reality that I've grown to rely on for intense feelings. The addiction incarnate. She's leaving the job in a month or so - that's when the walls will close in again. When I have to exist through what seems like prime time for the flat line. With PMO, who needs friends? I've lost many. Starting again at this age - lacking the confidence. Somehow managing to keep my wife engaged and feeling loved. Just doesn't feel like I deserve that chance.

What a hellish trip!  :) Can't tell you guys what it means to know it's been conquered before. That you guys are struggling with some of the things I am. Being alone in the dark is no way to live.

Ages 40 and up / Another voice in the wind
« on: August 21, 2016, 02:13:34 PM »
Hi everyone. Amazing to read all of the journals and stories here that feel so similar to mine. I look forward to becoming a part of your conversations - please if you have suggestions or thoughts about my situation do share and let me know.

I'm sure my story is nothing new but just to write it down because I never have... Started young with physical magazines and very basic dial-up. Used to read playboy at age 12 or so in the local thrift store in rural north carolina by putting it in a larger paper I pretended to read. I'm sure the clerk knew but he never said anything. Found a stack of penthouse in an old truck in a field. I'm sure that guy was pissed when he came back and found them gone. Graduated to online pictures that took 30 seconds to come down when AOL was working well.

High speed internet came along after college and I never looked back. 3x a day if I wasn't doing anything else and that's been the deal as long as I can remember up until 10 days ago. I have gone through the progression that Gabe talks about in his excellent videos. Start with guy on girl, get desensitized, move on, and on, and on. Began to get worried about my developing tastes and looked around for a description of the situation. Arousal addiction fit my symptoms very well - hearing that it's an addiction like chemical dependency made me feel both better and scared. Seeing effects like memory ramifications, physical ED that doesn't manifest during M sessions, decreased life drive in general, depression. Between video games and PMO I've lost a lot of great women. So now I'm 47, in a sexless marriage, no kids and wondering where it all went.

My last straw came a couple weeks ago. My latest fixation has been asian women. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your viewpoint, I came to the pacific northwest where asians abound. I've had two asian affairs now at work, one ending with her question to me whether I would take care of her for the rest of my life (I backed away from that fortunately). The other went further mentally into what I can only call love. To find the intensity of feelings after 10 years with one woman has been amazing but of course she's married too, and 30. To find someone that doesn't appear to have a problem with 17 years' difference in age is obviously rare (and suspect) but we are keeping it a work thing and I'm left with the inevitable drawdown in emotion. I'm sure everyone that has had a work fling knows the intensity that goes along with it. And the intense mood swings when it starts to fade. She's headed to another city in a few months and that's going to be a rough time.

We had a night after work that went on until 2am while my wife was out of town but her husband was not. Disaster on her end and you can well imagine the crazy emotions that were running through us both. I didn't want to tell my wife but I knew I had to do something to explain my mood changes so I got more serious about quitting PMO, found Gabe's story and decided to undertake the long-overdue effort to stop and get clean - that's what I told her instead of the reality of my lack of faithfulness. It's been 10 days. I'm faced with this woman at work - her perfect body and a personality that fits with me to a T. Never expected to find it with someone so young - maybe it's because I'm so immature! It's like having the object of your PMO addiction walking and talking to you every day. I have no idea how I'm going to stop thinking about her - tried having sex with the wife this morning. Same problems as always. I'm reading 90 days to get clean. I cannot imagine how that's going to happen - feels like I have two grapefruits down there. I'm hopeful things can turn around. My wife is a great person - we've been to counseling and I give us maybe 50/50 at this point. Hoping with no PMO the odds will improve. She says she's supportive of my efforts.

Feels good to get it out - none of this is something I feel comfortable sharing with my buddies. I guess it's not until you hit the embankment that you realize fully that you're sliding sideways down the road.

Ah well - life, right? Here's to making it to day 11.

Thanks guys - have a good one.

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