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Messages - AnonymousAnnaXO

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It's been a while. But things are good. We have successfully repaired our marriage. I still struggle from BT triggers and such but we have really rebuilt a new life.... I hope others out there know that they too can achieve success, healing, and rebuilding!

Women / Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« on: July 30, 2018, 12:23:30 PM »
I haven't been on RebootNation in a long time, been on NoFap mainly and have made some great connections and friends over there.

In my recovery it's been over 2 years post DDay, and yesterday was our one year marriage anniversary. Our son is 8 months old now. I have an online magazine and it will be one year old on August 17th.

In my own personal recovery I am doing well. Most triggers I can breathe through and stay calm and collected by. There are still some that have a PTSD immediate reaction and those are the things my husband and I still need to address.

My husband confronted his abusive/neglectful mother on July 4th. She herself is an addict to cocaine and in my opinion alcohol- or at least dependant on it. My husband is putting the pieces of his past together and having to come to some grim realizations. His mother being neglectful... mainly absent prior to the divorce, not taking care of them. She knew nannies would lock him and his siblings in closests.... she did nothing about it. His older sister told me and him about the memories she has (my husband has repressed all this abuse) and she talked about how he and his twin brother would be screaming and banging on the closet doors begging to be let out.... That breaks my heart.

It also breaks my heart that she would beat them with wooden spoons and belts.... a lot....

August 4th is marking one month since he confronted her. She said she would talk to him within the month about the tough things... she hasn't reached out. So August 4th marks one month and he plans to text her.

I know his mother is his biggest trigger, and he is severely struggling with depression... which means lack of connection between us most days... He did call my old psychiatrist the other day to get an appointment. I hope that with his therapist and getting on correct medication he can be more motivated in his own recovery and in the relationship recovery.

Financially we are SUPER tight right now because he got into a car accident last week and totaled my car. We had to use our savings to get me a car because I do need one- not only in case of emergencies for our little one, but for school and my internship.

So, doing my best to plan out things financially and pay off credit cards. I am doing my best to be a mom and run an online magazine. It's hectic for sure. Plus my internship will be starting where I will work with victims of domestic and sexual violence once a week. I am so excited for that though! I have a meeting with the head of Advocacy this wednesday and am super nervous!!

Thanks Malando! It's true people don't want others to change because it may bring up insecurities in themselves. I think another reason is that people don't like conflict, and will do anything to shut the conflict down.

And Thanks Raven Song, it's very lonely and isolated as an SO of a PA. People just don't get it.

Women / Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« on: March 11, 2018, 10:33:11 AM »
Things have been much better. We are in couples counseling, we figured out some helpful things. Specifically having individual time before we have "us" time. Also talking more, being honest, trying to connect. Cody tries to avoid connection because of the pain it brings when talking about his addiction, but we are slowly working on that.

Baby A is a bit over 3 months and he is the most precious thing! We love him so much, and really are putting in our all to be good as individuals, parents, and as a couple.

I'm curious what the letter is in response to?  Did his dad say something insensitive?

This was in response to him getting angry at me for thinking lying constitutes divorce. His dad was angry at me, saying, "Do you know what's at stake here?" (referring to our 3-month-old son). I know what's at stake, my husband surely doesn't. I was blamed for everything and my husband was excused for his behavior.

In the end, the dad texted my husband he doesn't want to take sides and he thinks we should do couples counseling. We've done that and are in it.

My husband hasn't lied since that but it's still not great between us. So yeah, the dad never got back to me, but did text my husband, so I don't know.

I wrote it because I am sick and tired of being the bad guy, "Give him a break," "It's only porn" "Lying? That's not bad, that shouldn't end a marriage" (even though the boundary was lying equals divorce). "He doesn't have an addiction, just forget what happened."

All these things have been said to me from many different people (my friends, his family, my parents).

No one see's my side. No one see's my pain, or they are annoyed by it and tell me to get over it and let my husband be himself. I don't see how anyone can have a relationship with anyone when there is no trust, but whatever, I must be crazy! God, sorry, just annoyed at it all.

I am exhausted by it all.

So I wrote a letter to Codys dad because cody, well is too scared to stand up to his parents. I really need feedback. This letter is quite matter of fact and my goal was to be non-aggressive but assertive.

Is there anything I should change? (wrote this because Cody told his dad about in-house separation and blamed me)


Dear Codys Dad,

I know today was a shock. I was honestly shocked Cody told you. I was proud of him, for he is obviously starting to learn the importance of honesty. Now I understand that hearing the word “separation” could be a trigger word that might bring up painful memories for you. So, I can see how you could have been quick to anger, as anger is the easiest emotion to express when there is possible underlying pain. I want to assure you, that I do not want a divorce, and I don’t believe in divorce. I am doing my all to stay in this while also protecting myself.

However, your reaction was very unexpected for Cody and I. The only reason Cody wanted to tell you was because he figured you would have advice, given you’ve gone through something similar (you and your ex-wife divorced, with addiction being a factor). It was a way to reach out and try to connect. One of Codys biggest fears is disappointing the ones he loves, so for him to be able to tell you what he did today was big, because he figured you’d be disappointed.

Now, I personally was shocked and taken aback. I know Cody was too. Given history seems to be repeating itself with me and you being in the same spot and Cody and his mom in the same spot, Cody thought you would be more understanding of my position. I did too. I figured that you would be able to give me hope. Give me some advice, guidance, something, let me know of anything I might have missed trying to do. I know Cody looks up to you, and his praise of you and seeing your interactions with him, well, I’ve learned to look up to you as well. So, your anger towards me was very hurtful.

I know that love can be painful and that sometimes things are beyond our control so in the end things don’t work no matter how hard you fight for it. And let me say this. I have been fighting for Cody since day one. I have been by his side, supporting him, encouraging him, helping him turn his life around, while I remain on the sidelines hurt and forgotten. His addiction has not only cost him a lot but it’s cost me. It’s cost me my relationship with my sister (and she was the closest person I had before all this). It’s cost me my friendships because no one seems to understand the pain of addiction and what happens to the addict's loved ones. It’s cost me my relationship with my parents. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to cover for Cody or bail him out financially (before we married he still owed me over $2k, but we are married so he doesn’t have to pay me back now). I’ve taken all the punishments for Codys actions or inactions.

I love Cody. I love him more than anyone in the world, aside from Baby A. Given I know psychology, I chose to stay with Cody once we realized he was a sex addict, but in truth, he just is an addict in general, and sex addiction was the first addiction to pop up. Now, I don’t know if you know much about sex addiction (porn addiction being a subset of sex addiction), but sex addiction hurts spouses and partners like no other addiction could. Sex addiction is not only an addiction but is cheating. So, the lies are a million times harder to handle, and the spouse’s self-esteem plummets, and their faith and trust are shattered.

Bear with me for a moment and let me try to help you walk in my shoes. If you found the love of your life, and you started making big life decisions, and once things are complicated you find out the relationship was built on a lie. That the person you love cheated and betrayed. But you chose to stay because you love them and know they have the capability to change. Over a year and a half goes by and change is still not there. You’ve begged, pleaded, cried, broke down, and yet, your love seems to not care to change even though their actions kill you.

That is what my life is. I love Cody but he hurts me emotionally over and over. I know he is capable of change, hence why I have given him over ten chances to change and be honest, faithful, and really work recovery. I told Cody that I can live with an addict in recovery but I will not live with an active addict, and especially so with a child involved now.

I am writing you because Cody is too scared, and I can understand why. I, however, don’t allow people to bully me or put me down when they don’t have the full story. I am a fighter and I refuse to be pushed around and will do my best to explain the story to people.

With Cody, he keeps hurting me, and lying, and betraying, yet I stay, and I endure. Love is endurance in the end, isn’t it? I want you to know I do not believe in divorce, and never have. The only reasons I know divorce to be a logical solution is because of abuse (whether emotional, physical, mental) or because of cheating. Now, Cody has been quite emotionally abusive in the past with gas-lighting, and given I told him what constituted as cheating before our relationship, and yet he did it, that is enough of a reason for me to have left him. But due to my understanding of addiction, I stayed. I know recovery and I know the ups and downs. But I will not be abused. I will not be discarded. And I will not have anyone tell me to stay and back down and submit when leaving would be a better option for my own health. My health has been compromised by his addiction and my education. But Cody knows what his actions do and have the capacity to do. I am not saying leaving is the better option right now, because I don’t believe in divorce, and I will fight for our marriage until Cody drives me into the ground and there is no more hope.

I am fiercely loyal to those I love, and I will protect them with all I have. And so, I write this, partly for me, but also because Cody looks up to you and he wants to connect and have a stronger relationship. He wants to be honest, but in truth, your quick reactions make him hesitant to reach out and be honest, especially when he needs help. I hope you do not take offense, but I will not tolerate people telling me to just take whatever abuse comes my way, and I know you don’t understand the full story.

I want Baby A to grow up seeing a loving, caring relationship of two equals. He should not have to witness a husband who mistreats the wife, and the wife submits because children learn by watching. I will not have Baby A grow up to believe that he can treat women with blatant disrespect and disregard and can be selfish and have no consequences happen. He should grow up to know that women deserve honesty, respect, and safety.

Now below are two video’s that are pirated, and I am not sure your feelings on that, but I know that both Cody and I would appreciate you watching them, and I know Cody would want to talk to you about this, but I fear he is too scared to reach out to you. Maybe you can reach out to him when you are ready.

(Would attach vids here)

Thank you for reading,



Feeback please, I am terrified to send this but I don't want to be blamed here and believe in standing up for myself, it's honestly, part of my recovery.

And yeah, Cody and I are doing in-house separation due to 2 lies (not porn related, but he still lied)

So glad to see that this is moving forward for you! Honestly, the people above have said the things I would have said. I hope this works out, and please keep us updated!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Opinion piece on Sexual harassent
« on: December 08, 2017, 03:06:04 PM »
This is so sad, and so horrific. I agree with what everyone has been saying here! And yes magazines... god I hate them. Magazines were a huge part of my anorexia when I was younger. I grew up buying magazines and wondering why I didn't look like the women in them. It really tore me down as a kid. I also wonder why women are on constant dieting. News flash diets don't work because they are temporary and once you return to old habits you gain what you lost.

Societies pressure on women and their looks is honestly insane. I am glad I have a son, but also worried about him growing up in this culture and how to protect him from porn culture.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Weinstein etc. in the news
« on: October 23, 2017, 04:10:01 PM »
I got triggered not to my husbands porn addiction but to my own sexual trauma's and actually had nightmares about one of my rapists again and it really unsettled me. This nightmare was a week ago and I am still a bit unsettled by it.

I pretty much stay away from social media (except for things I use for my blog) so I can stay sane (not only with my husbands porn addiction but my own anorexia). I don't know the details of what happened with Wienstein but know enough that it was upsetting none the less.

when the #metoo was going around I was actually so shocked at how many people I knew who went through that too. I suddenly realized when I was going through my trauma's I could have reached out and more than likely one of the women I would have told would have been able to say, "me too" and not judge or blame me. So I felt not alone but also felt a profound sadness at how rampant a problem this is.

Women / Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« on: October 06, 2017, 12:47:30 PM »
So I haven't posted in a while. Things have been quite hectic. I am due on November 17th... which is coming up! Totally terrified and excited at the same time!

My husband is doing well in school, still getting A's, and very proud of him. We acquired a 1995 318i BMW a couple months ago for $300 and my husband and I have fallen in love with that car. My husband is currently in his first auto tech class (which is what he is pursuing) and loving it. He changed the rear brake discs on the bimmer and they don't even learn about brakes until the end of the semester so I am happy that my husband I guess has "natural skill" in this given it's his passion. A job recruiter from Subaru came to their class this week and had a list to sign up for their online university and the recruiter said that for those who do well on their online university and do well in the auto tech program, they will probably be reaching out to you to offer a job with paid training and benefits. So my husband is really excited, especially because there is such a need for auto techs (which I didn't realize, apparently they are 116,000 job openings for auto techs in the industry right now because of the demand).

For me, I took this semester off so I could give birth and not possibly be in NYC while in labor haha. I reached out to the Center of Family Justice (which works with domestic violence and sexual assault victims) for opportunities with internships and volunteering. Their internships are through school credit so I would have to discuss that with whatever professor I take for the internship class. I would love to intern there, and they make you go through training to be certified to work with domestic violence and sexual assault victims. The Center also offers education courses for the public, which I am thinking about taking (only costs $30 per class) since I already have a passion for that area and want to possibly go into that after getting my masters.

Relationally my husband and I are still working on things. My husband still seems to not initiate relationship recovery work. My husband has completely turned his life around with being 1 year and 4 months off PMO and I am so proud, I just wish he showed that determination when it came to rebuilding the relationship. We do have fun together, can get along, and on occasion have very intimate and emotional sex, but there is still the trust that is being worked on... trust is not yet there and I told him it wouldn't be there until there was consistency shown.

I know we are both so excited for our son to be born. He kicks me so much and I think he dropped the other day. I am 34 weeks pregnant, and I am really nervous about childbirth. I know I am getting an epidural, but very nervous about before I get it. I am not good with pain, and I know childbirth is ... well, painful. I just hope my husband and I are on a good enough note by that time.

I am thinking that if things don't shift, I need to set consequences for not doing the relationship recovery work, like not hanging out with him in the evening when he expects me to drop everything I'm doing. Or maybe if relationship recovery doesn't get done we sleep in separate beds until he gets the message. I don't know yet what consequence would be helpful, but I am thinking about it.

I agree 100% with Malando! Seriously! When me and my husband did couples EFT We had the initial together appointment, and the therapist said the next two appointments would be individual. We scheduled those appointments for the next week. Then after both our individuals, we set up the couples appointment after that. There have been times where we don't see her one week because her schedule is so busy. She has never rushed us, and always goes at our pace.

It's true, it's like she doesn't get that trust hasn't been earned yet. I am studying counseling and one of the things we learned was that in the first couple sessions we have to sit back, listen, get a sense of the client and the goal is to build trust. This therapists behavior is completely unprofessional.

That is complete BS and totally not what EFT should be like. When me and my husband started EFT my husband and I could look at each other and talk to each other to figure out what we wanted to discuss. We also were never rushed, in fact it's been a slower process than I expected. When looking for EFT therapists, make sure they are aware of addiction and have worked with addiction, and ask if they know about Betrayal Trauma.

EFT should feel safe and well paced. The therapist should remain neutral and not take sides. In EFT our therapist basically has made each of us aware of how each impacts the other, never taking sides but making us aware of how our behavior or body language impacts the other. The goal is to be more aware of yourself and the way you communicate (consciously or unconsciously) with your partner and be able to identify any negative communication cycles so you guys can work towards healthy communication cycles.

Here is another I found that was even better than the first video!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Partners of PA's Let me know ...
« on: August 28, 2017, 02:45:14 PM »
Thanks Aquarius! It's true hope and having a partner who is working towards goals is very helpful. i find hope to be the one thing I hold onto in those rough times. I agree that having a partner who is willing to understand your pain is essential. Everything you mentioned I agree with!

EFT was the thing that saved my relationship with my husband! I can't tell you the amazing progress we have made. He is able to identify emotions and we are able to connect! It's been a miracle for us.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Partners of PA's Let me know ...
« on: August 26, 2017, 06:51:41 AM »
Thank you Emerald! Your responses are always honest and insightful! Also with communication, side note, my husband and I started couples EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) and it has done wonders for our communication. I would highly recommend any couple, especially with addiction, to look into that type of therapy because it focuses on feelings and being able to identify the emotion you feel in the moment. At first, my husband wasn't able to identify too much but now that it's been 3 months he has been able to identify a lot more and we communicate much better and much more civilly.

I also agree that the "trickle" disclosure was the worst aspect and probably most traumatic due to the thinking you're safe, and then, bam, out of nowhere more information to process. And yes, I agree that individual recovery is extremely important!

I basically am starting the book off with acknowledgements (to all the partners and helpful PA's on here and on nofap), then an introduction section, explaining my own personal story, and then devlving into chapter 1 which I think I'll talk about what it's like before the discovery (i.e. what were signs that things were off, did you feel there was something not right, etc. and how important it is to listen to your intuition).

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Partners of PA's Let me know ...
« on: August 25, 2017, 05:04:10 PM »
Hey guys, so I haven't been on here in a bit with life getting so busy. This summer has been crazy, literally. With the pregnancy, wedding, school, my new blog, and landing a new online magazine job, my time has escaped me. My blog addresses many things and I have what I call "Married Monday" posts where I use psychology to benefit married couples or even people in long term relationships. I've always been a writer, and have written books before but never published them. Through writing for my blog and getting the magazine job I was inspired. I am inspired to write an ebook (that might possibly be available in paperback form) about surviving porn addiction as a partner. I have idea's written down, and I was wondering for you guys as partners, what has been the most beneficial key things and steps you took in recovering not only yourself but the relationship?

I know I'll be talking about discovery versus disclosure, the lying, the feelings of being betrayed, setting boundaries, and regaining your sexuality, but I would love to hear from you guys some aspects that truly helped during the journey (and I know most of you are still in this journey and might be near the beginning). What personally helped you get through the trauma of discovery/disclosure? What helped you be able to move forward in communication? What helped you heal yourself and regain your identity, etc.

So thank you to all those who respond!

Hey, did you ever get this group going? If so, how has it been?

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: What it's like to be a partner
« on: August 25, 2017, 04:55:37 PM »
Thanks, Aquarius! Yes, things have gotten a million times better in the past year! I am so proud of how far we both have come in this process. Time has helped heal wounds but so has the hard work we have both put in.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / What it's like to be a partner
« on: August 25, 2017, 08:13:06 AM »
So I haven't been on in a while. Lots has happened. I am 27 weeks pregnant, got a magazine job, started a mom blog, etc. But I wanted to post this big moment for me. I finally was able to express the pain I've been through to my husband and he sat there adn listened and didn't fight me on it.

So last night I don't know what the hell happened but it was like he changed. I was so shocked (even more so because he hasn't been on nofap or read anything I've written). He came home I gave him a warm greeting like he has asked a couple times. I left the room and came back in and he was working on the packet. I was like, "wow, okay" and I was on nofap reading and catching up while he did that. Instead of talking about the packet, he put it down and said, "Anna I want to talk about last night and what happened." I was like "Yeah" (so happy he wanted to because I wanted to). We ended up going over what it's been like for me.

I told him why things on tv or ads trigger me so much if he see's or looks and I said, "Sweetie, it's like everytime you don't look away or see something sexual and we are together it's like you're watching porn and getting off in front of me, that is why I get so hurt and cry sometimes." He said that that description helped him understand my emotions and he encouraged me to continue. I felt safe because he handled that emotional reveal well.

I continued, "This is the easiest way to describe it. Esther Perel had a ted talk on infidelity and she described infidelity in the tech age as a death by a thousand cuts. The Instagram likes and other social media likes in front of me was like you cutting me with each like. The saved naked girl on your phone was a deep cut. The minimizing and denying was like you adding more cuts. I was bleeding. I was bleeding since the Instagram (which was 3 months into our relationship). Then it was the dinner where a porn site was on your phone when you pulled it out. That was like you stabbing a sword through my chest, grazing my heart. I was almost dying from that wound. Again, I was still bleeding from other wounds, and this just added. I now was bleeding profusely. I now needed emergency medical attention, if you follow my metaphor. Then I am now in a hospital, wounds all wrapped, can't get out of bed. And a month goes by to find SuicideGirls. That was deep cuts with each lie of saying, 'my friend took my phone' 'I didn't do that' 'don't know how that got there.' You promised me never again and I knew everything but I was practically dying with all the cuts from that night alone. Then, I go to work and your history reveals porn. You threw me into a spiked coffin, and with each scroll it was like you opened and closed the coffin on me over and over. I fell out of the coffin looking like swiss cheese on top of the old bleeding wounds that weren't healed. I can barely stay alive at this point, and I have to not cry or scream since my dad walked in the room. I metaphorically crawl out of the room, leaving a bloody trail. I am admitted to a hospital and they are doing everything they can to keep me alive. You come home with roses, attempting to bandage my wounds. The next day I am barely there, still in the most agonizing pain. The day after, I decide I need to look through your history since you were begging me not to at work the other day. With each scroll and new reveal it's more tiny cuts, with deep gashes and this time its gashes in my wrists (where I can die from) and my neck, and other important arteries. With the final discovery, you reached into my chest pulled my heart out and threw it in a paper shredder. I am officially dead. I'll never be the girl I was before all this. You get home and try to repair the damage, taping my shredded heart back together, and getting me to a hospital. I have no time to heal, and I wrap my wounds so tightly that with clothes on you would never see how much blood is constantly pouring out. I hide my wounds as I attend to yours. I take care of you, guide you during this discovery phase where you also seem broken. Now over a year later, I still have this trail of blood wherever I go. I am still bleeding. With each time you get back into recovery and then stop, you take a knife and open up a scar that was almost healed. You are peeling off scabs letting them bleed again. This is why I told you the other night I feel like I am dying in this relationship sometimes."

My husband was so shocked after. He said, "I feel like crying but I am holding it in. This is what I needed to hear. I can't even imagine what you've been through" and we hugged. I cried and continued telling him other things and he cried. We connected, strongly, for the first time in a couple months. It was one of the hardest things I've had to say to my husband because I love him so much. At least, now, I hope, he truly gets my pain. He seems to get it, last night he was very shocked, shamed, disturbed even to see what he has done. He told me, "Anna, this is why I say you're the strongest person I've ever met. You stayed with me while you were 'dying' and you helped me and you took it all and you still married me and are here, trying. You are so emotionally strong, I admire your strength." That was SO nice to hear.

We have a couples therapy session today, I look forward to it. I get to tell the therapist I was able to describe my pain, which has been something I've struggled to do since my husband would shut the conversation down to avoid it in the past.

Women / Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« on: August 04, 2017, 08:01:07 AM »
Thanks Malando!

Amazing post Gracie! I've been off for a while due to wedding stuff.

But I can say that I never imagined to be where I am right now with my husband. (I love saying that) Given everything we've gone through, and the fact we still both chose to marry each other shows tremendous strength and understanding from both of us.

We are a million times closer! I can't say that enough. We go through some rough patches, but over all we are so much closer than when he was in his addiction.

We are much better at communicating with each other, and through this journey have learned a lot about compromise and boundaries.

Making love is something that I think I am personally still working on at times because sometimes I disconnect because of fear, but the times we both have been present have been the most amazing times. We can laugh, cry from happiness, and just be in the moment and forget everything else that's going on. I feel so safe.

I see that through all this we truly do love each other and are an amazing team when we both pitch in.

I love that we are still learning things about each other, which has happened due to improvement in communication.

I feel like our relationship is real, honest, loving, and supportive. I feel there was some of that missing while he was active in his addiction.

Women / Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« on: July 30, 2017, 02:43:26 PM »
We got married yesterday! I am so happy and just amazed at how wonderful our wedding went. it was a small wedding at my parents house and everything turned out to be so nice. I am so happy to be able to say I am his wife! I feel like I've been waiting for this day for ages. I am so proud of how far we both have come with our individual recovery and our recovery as a couple.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Instagram
« on: July 22, 2017, 03:29:33 PM »
See my fiance used to use instagram for porn reasons, and I used to love instagram without issue mainly because I didn't know that stuff was on there and I focused on taking pics of my cat so I used it innocently. But he actually told me to uninstall it on my phone during the recovery process because I would abuse it and torture myself with those images. So yes,instagram was and is a trigger for me.

I now have instagram back on my phone and am very careful about not using it if I am having a triggering day and feeling crappy. I usually use it to post photos on our family account of our cats and the cute things they do. But he has no instagram. His account, he deleted it after I told him it had to go, and that was before I knew about everything else. His FB accoung is active, but he doesn't go on it. He really doesn't have social media, and I myself don't use social media much anymore either, so disconnecting from social media has actually been nice for us, it's made us focus on each other more.

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