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Messages - malando

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Malando, how would you recommend I bring up his PA to him? That's what I'm struggling with the most is how to broach the topic and my concerns to him in a non-accusatory way that wont immediately put him on the defensive
I think what would work best with most men is making sure that the conversation about whether he's a porn addict or not never even starts. I think it involves sitting him down in a very calm state and a low voice and saying something like "Okay XXX, you know I love you more than anything, but I have to tell you that I'm not coping anymore with your addiction and how it makes me feel about myself. I need things to change now or I'm going to leave."

At this point he might have already started to defend himself and say it's all in the past. I would wait for him to finish his sentence, give a pause for effect, then resume. "I know you think your problem is not that bad, but on my end it is. I can't do this anymore. The only way we are going to survive this is if we are totally honest with each other and we acknowledge this problem together. I can't listen to denials anymore. This is affecting me every single day and it's making me ill. Are you heading me on this? Do you realise that I can see what you're doing and how it's affecting you and changing you?"

There's a chance you might have him on the back foot by this stage and hopefully he'll say he can see it. If he does, then you can progress on to telling him what you need - whether it's limiting his technology access, giving him a dumb phone, blocking software on his laptop - although I'm not sure that this ultimately achieves much. What you really need is for him to buy into change. Maybe you need to go to a relationship therapist to discuss this - so that you can express in a safe environment how his addiction is affect you and your relationship. And he should enter a course of counselling himself to deal with his addiction issues. In the end, he has to be motivated to change. You can't do the work for him, and you can't be his mother hovering over him.

If he's arguing against it, then I would just return to the message, "I thought you might say this. But I'm sorry, I can't talk about it in this way. I know there's a problem. You'll have to trust me that I have the evidence. I'm not interested in discussing whether you have a problem or not - only how we are going to deal with it." I think there has to be a stony determination to be in charge of this conversation. If he won't cooperate, then say you're going out (or home, depending on where you are) and you'll talk to him about it later, but that you are going to talk about changing things either way.

I hope this has been of some help to you.

Yep, he's a porn addict. He's got all the signs. I would enter any talks with him on that assumption and I wouldn't even entertain hearing his side of it as to why he isn't a porn addict and how everything that you've found was from years ago. That's an insult to your intelligence to even have to hear it.

The way I see it, either he fesses up straight away and talks to you about what he's going to do about the problem, or you cut him loose. It really is that simple. This situation will not improve for you unless he is absolutely under no illusions that you are not willing to put up with this any longer. If he wants to keep doing this, he needs to let you go. Don't waste your precious time on somebody who is happy to gaslight you and leave you feeling constantly confused and paranoid. If he's got a problem, the least he could do is admit it and not lie about it - for your sanity if nothing else. If you care about him that much, tell him you'll support him to get help, but any more lies and you're out the door.

That's awesome, man! You spoke really well and got that message out there in a new forum. Katie is a great person for tackling new stuff in an open-minded way. Kudos!

Women / Re: I need some advice about my first-time sex
« on: November 08, 2019, 05:39:13 AM »
Sorry to have to ask this, but are you male or female? What is your purpose in starting this thread without actually asking the question you alluded to? Please be aware that this isn't a place to come to for sexually based amusement.

Porn Addiction / Re: Does this work?
« on: October 28, 2019, 01:18:34 PM »
You're describing classic PIED, Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. Yes, it will produce any and all of the symptoms you have. The only thing you can do is completely stay away from porn and wait for your brain to heal. This can take a while - for some it is 3 months - for others it can take more than a year. You won't know how long it will be for you until you give up and see what happens. I would advise a minimum 90 day reboot before you even consider having sex again. And that means complete abstinence from porn. It would also be advisable to avoid masturbating in this period too. Also be aware that you have to keep porn out of your life permanently - you can't reboot and then bring it back in a reduced form after you recover. It will put you back in the same situation. Forget about the medications too - you don't have a physical blood flow problem, you have a brain stimulation problem which can't be fixed with ED medication. A lot of doctors have no idea about porn addiction and will not treat you for it. I suspect in Nigeria it's even less commonly recognised by doctors than it is in the West (and it's not good here either). You will simply have to deal with this yourself and with help from communities like this one. Good luck, and stick around for advice and support. Best, Malando.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: October 27, 2019, 08:55:50 AM »
As a child I didn't feel I needed to help myself, I felt that I needed to help other people so that they would help me. Politics is really about collectively helping oneselves and identifying those who share one's needs. Thus the distinction between Right and Left disolves. In reality, the only difference between Right and Left is the distinction of ownership of capital, which forms two competing groups, those who own capital and those who don't, the bosses and the workers.The middle classes represent the overlap of the two, and the entire spectrum is dynamic as are political leanings.

I agree, and that's why I can't bring myself to vote for the right. If the principal difference between the two sides is the influence and ownership of capital, I can only vote for the side that is more likely to share some of it, rather than those who are tasked to keep it in the hands of the rich. The difference in reality is small, but even if public spending is only 5% higher on the left, than on the right, that's still something - much as this subtle distinction might disappoint people with high ideals.

Porn Addiction / Re: Orgasm afer quitting , how is it harmful?
« on: October 27, 2019, 08:49:50 AM »
I think you're describing my situation too. :(

What sort of supplements are you taking? Are you being serious when you're saying your body might never recover??

Yes I'm serious, I lived it for months without knowing. Many people are stuck in this situation and are finding that just rebooting/abstaining is not enough. Your body needs a jump start, like a dead car battery that can't re-charge itself as he explains it.. This Dr. explains it all. He has many many case examples on his site. I take 3 products called Moodmax, Pinealtonin and Viagrowth
If you email him from his website and give your symptoms he'll tell you what you should take.

Is Dr. Lin legit? Are those products worth the investment. I spoke to him through email and he recommended some of those supplements, and said 2-3 weeks should all i need to see healing.
Weapons grade boloneyum. Of course the body has the ability to repair itself. The idea that only these expensive supplements can fix you is exactly what somebody profiting off their sale would say. Countless people have successfully recovered without these supplements. Try a balanced diet, exercise, healthy lifestyle and different interests and recovery will come. Dr Lin knows that people who buy supplements are already committed to giving up porn, so he knows that improvements will come anyway. The supplements don't need to do anything for a believing person to think they are helping. It's the definition of a placebo. The main thing is to give up PMO by whatever means necessary - that's what's screwing up your brain.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: October 24, 2019, 08:29:26 AM »
Interesting thoughts, Georgos. I don't have anything to say at this point, but it's interesting to consider the points you make.

Ages 30-39 / Re: a new chance
« on: October 20, 2019, 09:16:29 AM »
You know, you are not the only guy who is 30+ who hasn't had sex or a relationship yet. It's not as rare as you think. It is certainly possible to change these things in your life, but you need to get off the porn to have any chance. That has to be your number one priority - as well as quitting any habits you have which lead you to using porn. Once you have control of that, your confidence will increase and you can start with learning how to talk to women effectively and then start dating. It's a gradual process usually, but it's very possible if you start working on your problems with a real sense of determination and purpose.

Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« on: October 20, 2019, 09:06:13 AM »
Sorry, I missed Depressed and Out's post and should have deleted it because it was out of context after I had already deleted the offending users posts that it referred to. D & O was not out of line at all. The posts were very offensive and completely absurd. He is a disgruntled former member who comes back periodically to protest the cause here at RN and claims to be all about freedom and shattering myths about porn. He is now a porn-advicate because he has failed to conquer his addiction so he took a "if you can't beat em, join em" approach. I know this to be true because he used to post desperately about not being able to give up and how bad porn was. He isn't able to be permanently banned because he uses a VPN to sign up each time. I delete his posts and accounts each time I see them, but sometimes they linger for 24 hours or so if I'm busy.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: October 17, 2019, 12:17:50 PM »
People overemphasise the "chemistry" angle when talking about potential relationships. A lot of it is not about some magical force that you have no control over. A lot of it is about the avoidance of certain key warning triggers that cause people to retreat. Here's a few:

Awkward silence moments: Early-stage dating is very sensitive to these. People are often monitoring for confirmation of compatibility by judging how much they have to take about. Any awkward silences where both parties are stuck for words will often trigger a panic response "oh no, this is getting hard, maybe we aren't clicking". It's quite silly really because the pressure on the occasion to "work out" naturally drives this tension to that conclusion. Even when a date has been largely full of discussion, more than a few awkward moments and this can turn the whole thing in a different direction. Also important to note is that one person might think a date went perfectly and that there were no awkward moments, while the other thinks it was the opposite and was full of them. It depends on their level of sensitivity to silent moments and how they interpret them.

Talk of living with one's parents: some people are perfectly fine with unusual living circumstances, but the majority aren't. Some are fine with it themselves, but then when they go reporting on their date with their friends, their friends will turn their thoughts to worries about why it might not work out. I've seen that happen more times than I can remember. Friends are often the worst thing for a prospective relationship because they often get a lot of pleasure about being the wise, objective counsel - which, of course, they aren't due to their own ego involvement. You can't control this though. But just know that any person you date is contending with the assumptions made around living at home with family - either within themselves or in discussions with people they know.

Controversial topics: sometimes it's better to ease into your true feelings on politics, religion, mental health etc. when you have established a rapport that feels very safe. People are hypersensitive to everything when evaluating a new person for relationship suitability. They are looking for reasons they might feel unsafe in a relationship with you. Even though most topics will not represent a real danger to them if introduced later, sometimes raising them too early will have a frightening effect and change the course of a relationship.

I don't say this to imply that you should be fake and disingenuous about who you are, but you need to know that it's a lot to do with how skilled you are about keeping a flow, ease, and keeping a safe, fun vibe going in the early stages of dating. Some people are better at this than others. That's why some people are so much more successful than others at the dating game and why some people have 100's of sexual partners in their history and others have zero and feel like it's completely inscrutable and mysterious, yet biased against them. Some people are more intense than others and they have to make a judgement call about whether to just accept that and become resilient about being rejected, or they have to learn how to play the game and go through that initial groundwork or engendering safety and security into the relationship before revealing more about their nature. Both approaches have some validity.

I think, having had a limited dating history, you probably aren't as attuned to these factors as you could be. You are also a very keen and enquiring mind who is not afraid to confront controversy. This means you might be triggering warning signals in any or all of these areas. It's something to keep in mind as you evaluate the whole "chemistry" angle because most people are reaching conclusions on these areas on an unconscious level and they might only be able to summarise it as "chemistry" or "no-chemistry". It's a strange one - people are happy to bypass a lot of critical thinking and analysis so they can rely on unconscious processing that results in a binary conclusion. It's the culture many of us are born into - the romantic fantasy that love works for unknowable, mysterious reasons. In reality it's about needs being met and most of them are perfectly rational and analysable. We just kid ourselves that we are part of a magical world for a while. After a while of dating though, most people know why it is or isn't working and where the compatibility or incompatibility lies.

Try no to obsess over this though. The main message I'm trying to give you here is that your main objective in early stage dating is to make it a safe place to continue the discussion. Try not to rock the boat or induce concern early on. You need this skill so that you can get to the next phase of working out your actual compatibility. If you've ever heard the term "gift of the gab" with respect to people who can talk effortlessly to people and make connections - this is what that is: the ability to make people feel safe while you explore your compatibility.

Porn Addiction / Re: UK Government To Ban Access to Porn?
« on: October 01, 2019, 11:33:09 AM »
I'm from England, and seen the UK Government twice delay legislation to ban porn access with sites implementing age verification methods to ensure users are 18 and over. Age verification methods include the use of a passport, driving license, or other relevant identity forms.

It was meant to kick in on July 15, but it was delayed for 6 months until the start of 2020.

Nothing new has come out yet on the new start date, but, even though I'm on Nofap now, I feel a little uncomfortable to what I feel is censorship.

It feels good knowing that I can access porn if I wish, but I'm choosing not to. It feels good to have self-discipline.

What are your thoughts on this? I understand there may be many users from the US on here, but it'd be the first time a major western economic country has made a move like this.
It's not censorship if you can still access it if you can prove your legal age. It's simply enforcing the laws that already stand. I think a lot of people now equate freedom to access porn any time in any place with human liberty. They are not the same thing. Personally, I'm perfectly fine with the plan. I know what early exposure to porn does to impressionable young minds. It literally wrecks lives. I care more about that than about people's right to anonymously consume porn. You still need discipline anyway. But why do we think we deserve privacy with porn? A lot of it is illegal. If we're all so decent, and it's a basic human right, what are we afraid of?  Society needs to decide if porn is everybody's dirty little secret, or whether it's something you can be proud of. But having to prove your age just makes it harder for people who are too young to understand consequences to screw up their life with porn addiction.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Fapping, pliz go ->
« on: September 24, 2019, 04:09:52 AM »
It does sound pathetic, to be honest, but the good news is: it doesn't have to be! You can still back away from this and keep your dignity. I really recommend you do this. Do you really want to turn your life upside down for somebody in another country who is somebody's mistress? Geez, if I were going to put myself through all that, I'd make sure she was a much higher quality individual than that. Maybe she isn't all you built her up to be. Be wary of the idea that she was driven to her current behaviour by you breaking up with her (and she may well try to convince you of this because you are clearly bothered by it). The fact is, if you don't respect her, this is going nowhere. You broke up with her for a reason. She wasn't the one for you. You moved on. Just because you find yourself in a desperate situation right now, doesn't mean you should fall back into old habits or situations. Be strong, move forward. The next relationship you have should be with somebody new, with a clean slate, and with a improved and strengthened version of yourself. Give yourself some time to become this person. You are lucky that you find yourself at a stage in your life when you can afford to take the time and get yourself together. This isn't as urgent as you think it is. You have the time. Do it right. Start living up to your potential and the partner stuff will take care of itself.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: September 23, 2019, 07:47:13 PM »
Georgos, it seems to me that by zeroing in on being "sorry", you are creating additional problems for yourself. It's causing a crisis regarding the parameters and extent of your sorriness - as well as whom you are apologising to (God, yourself, people in your life). I'm not saying these are not valid things to evaluate, but it shouldn't overshadow your overall direction of improvement. I think it's safer at this time to acknowledge the things you regret, and by all means, work out why, but maybe don't get too embroiled in "sorry" as it pertains to guilt. Guilt is an expression of ego and it interferes with objective analysis. Personally I don't think anyone needs to apologise to God, so that's a non-starter for me. It's better, and more productive, to work out what things you regret and know didn't work out for you, and take steps to correct each of them.

As far as "earning" sex. I get what you were driving at - but I also think it's mostly bullshit. Yes, looking after yourself and being a well functioning, attractive person makes it more likely that you'll pick up a partner, but there are innumerable cases of people having partners who actually want sex with them even when they are not in ideal shape. Sometimes it just works out - synchronicity, kismet, happenstance - call it what you like, some relationships spring out of the most unlikely circumstances. People fall in love with people who are terminally ill, morbidly obese, physically disabled, suicidal, depressed, incarcerated. The list is endless. So the mere fact that this happens means a model based on "earning" sex is flawed. There are people who have this transactional model of pairing, but that's more for people living a certain type of lifestyle which focuses more on the ego: material wealth, hedonism, attention seeking, power, influence. In these circumstances, high partner-count and proving one's attractiveness take centre stage. Similarly, although ironically, people who have never had sex, or have had very little experience and find it elusive, tend to adopt the transactional model - they explain their own lack of success with sexual partners with being deficient in the same things that highly successful sexual conquerers use. It plays into their feelings of low self-worth.

The reality is most people who are in a longterm relationship did not "earn" it. They found themselves in a circumstance where a relationship managed to grow with somebody - probably at a time they least expected it. For most people, they will say they were surprised how it happened, and that anything came of it at all. There is far more to this than many people realise. You shouldn't look to sexual conquerers, or to people with issues around being inexperienced, for clues on how relationships form. Both of them are poor vantage points for understanding. I found my partner at a time when I was at a pretty low point regarding my self-worth and feelings of attractiveness. If you had asked me my chances of finding a girlfriend a month prior to that, I would have said, "zero". This is how I know it's not about "earning" anything. All it takes is being in the right place at the right time, being genuine and having some qualities that are of interest to the other person. The mass media has existed on countless fallacies on how you can snag a partner - but that's just garbage fodder for people who are desperate.

Ages 30-39 / Re: porn, dating and Grindr
« on: September 22, 2019, 04:59:51 AM »
Hi Synkk, I guess I should have qualified my remarks by specifying that the use of apps with a specific sexual focus is not a good way to meet people for anything enduring. I think any time you have already seen somebody's whole body, including their junk, before you even sit down for a coffee with them is not a good way to be making somebody's acquaintance. Maybe there are some people going about it in a different way, but from everything I've been told about the apps you mentioned, it's the exception rather than the rule. The other point I'd make is that it's hard for a recovering porn addict to filter out the hyper sexual content from the more toned-down content, so that represents a risk I think. If you feel there is a safe way to engage with your apps, don't let me stand in your way. I don't mean to be too dogmatic about this - I'm just concerned about whether you might be putting yourself in harm's way.

Ages 30-39 / Re: porn, dating and Grindr
« on: September 21, 2019, 03:25:31 PM »
Those apps are not where people find relationships. They are meat-markets, pure and simple. Think about it, some guy you don't know is sending you "nudes". Doesn't that tell you the likelihood of finding a relationship there? You are justifying the use of these apps because you are an introvert, but you also want a relationship. Those two things are not compatible. Either you find a different app where the focus is on personality rather than sex, or you need to learn how to be less introverted. There are plenty of gay people out there. Not everyone found their partner on an app. But you do have to be out there participating in life, socially speaking. I think it would also help you a lot in your life, even if you don't find anyone for a while. Porn (and apps) are very isolating. You spend most of your time alone looking at pictures of people who you can't have, or who misrepresent themselves. It's sad, really. Try to be in real life as much as you can. You never know who might come your way if you're out there in the real world.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: September 19, 2019, 12:52:14 PM »
I saved myself the trouble of having to be sorry and convinced that what I did was "wrong", and just went straight to "porn was a really bad thing for me, which cost me a lot". In the end that's all I needed - a forensic analysis of how porn affected my life revealed that it had damaged me. Once you know what it cost you, how it harmed you, it's almost impossible not to regret what you did, and that leads to feeling sorry. How that plays into some Godly version of sorry/repentance doesn't really concern me, but I suspect it's an extension of the same process. Later education on what happens to victims of porn - the actors/actresses, the partners of porn addicts, fills in the rest and I'd say once you're fully educated on that, it's only a matter of time before you're convinced of the immorality of it. People who refuse to acknowledge that hidden reality are probably doomed to repeat their mistakes at some point - especially if they are playing out some sort of freedom-of-sexuality idealism-struggle in their head.

« on: September 18, 2019, 09:42:21 AM »
Great work, Gabe. And yes, I totally dug your rap song  8)

Ages 30-39 / Re: Fapping, pliz go ->
« on: September 15, 2019, 06:51:46 PM »
I think the fact that you saw an ex-girlfriend in a foreign country as your potential saviour says a lot about the desperation you find yourself in. I think you need to forget the idea that anyone is going to rescue you. What you need is to find a better relationship with yourself, not be putting your destiny in the the hands of others - who may or may not reject you. You won't find a healthy relationship in a state of desperation. You need to be ok and self-sufficient to have any chance of having a healthy relationship - otherwise you will burden your girlfriend with your well-being. Don't use a girlfriend to treat your depression - it won't work, and it's not fair on her. Forget quick fixes. First, get through your reboot. Until you reboot, you aren't good relationship material - even if your dick does work. It's an attitude thing, and it's a confidence thing. You need to know that you are bringing a good version of yourself to any new relationship. Save yourself the heartache of messing up another relationship. Get yourself together first, and your next relationship will be so much more rewarding.

Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: September 14, 2019, 09:31:50 AM »
Hey man, sorry you're doing it so tough. My heart goes out to you. Are there any people you could hang with to offset the loneliness? Isolation is the worst.

With respect to your mom, dad and ex-wife. I think it's a mistake to wait around hoping for them to make any moves to resolve things with you. I think you either have to give up on it, or take the lead and present the best version of yourself who wants to express himself, but also work things out. Avoidant people like these need to be shown the way. Sometimes you can get a breakthrough if you lead the way - but it takes great self-control not to react to every trigger that comes up, so you need to be ready to take the high road and keep your eyes on your objective, which is setting things as right as they can be given the circumstances. I've had to accept that there are some things I'll never sort out with my parents - they just can't take responsibility for things they've done. They claim to not even remember most of it! I took the angle that I don't need them to agree to anything, or admit anything, only that I want to speak my truth and then put it behind us. It was the best thing I could do to rid myself of the anger I was holding onto. These are flawed and damaged people we are talking about - try not expecting too much from their reactions, but do demand to be heard. You never know how a different approach might play out.

Porn Addiction / Re: A sad poem for myself, relapse again.
« on: September 11, 2019, 05:04:25 AM »
Good luck, man. Do you have any specific strategies you are planning to use to give you a different result this time?

Ages 30-39 / Re: Fapping, pliz go ->
« on: September 05, 2019, 05:13:56 AM »
Can we dial down the porn terminology? Terms like "Milf" are not appropriate on this forum.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting again
« on: September 03, 2019, 09:44:18 PM »
Congrats Kenny! You are a living, breathing example of somebody turning this shit around. Great job.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Shemale Addiction
« on: September 02, 2019, 11:39:23 PM »

Have you ever had a read through your posts? I'd be surprised if you are proud of what you've posted here. I'd say you are more affected by porn than you even know. Your attitude to women is deplorable. And please leave that 16 year old girl alone. She doesn't deserve to have you in her life.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Fapping, pliz go ->
« on: August 31, 2019, 02:12:33 PM »
You go to Mass to get laid?

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