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Messages - malando

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Hello, I can achieve an okay erection with my partner(no porn involved) and reach orgasm. Yet, my penis and balls have minimal sensitivity during intercourse and handjobs. I've never done the death grip. My blood, testosterone, vitamin and mineral levels are all in the healthy range. Also, I am STD free. However, I do watch hours of porn daily and believe I am desensitized because I can only get hard with my partner or porn. If I have to rely on hands touch alone, a boner is impossible. Does a desensitized brain lead to no feeling in the testicles and cock even while achieving an erection without ED drugs? What do you think is the issue?
Yes, it could be desensitisation. The real question is, why haven't you been motivated enough to quit your "hours of porn daily" habit to find out? What's the point if it's not even enjoyable? That's the definition of addiction - doing something compulsively that you can't stop or regulate, that's harming you.

Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 15, 2020, 03:03:42 PM »
Also trying to engage and teach these techniques to my kids in hopes that they can grow up to be a bit healthier than their parents.
More important words were never spoken!

How are you getting on?

Pretty good! I've been away for a while too. Long breaks are needed from this stuff for me lol. Gotta recenter every once in a blue!

Been doing a lot of writing. Which reminds me, I had you in mind a few weeks ago. I'd love to talk to you about what I'm writing. I'll drop you a PM soon and explain.  :)
Sure, PM when ready! Sounds intriguing.


Good to see you, Malando.
Thanks! I've been away from the forum for a while, tending to other things, but I'll be more present from now on.

How are you getting on?

That was really interesting information, Lolekins, thanks for posting that.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: After a year...
« on: June 15, 2020, 07:33:54 AM »
Personally, I don't think you'll ever trust him. You've been through so much of this in your life already. Unless you think your life will take a serious turn for the worse if you separate, I'd say you are better off moving on. As much as breaking up will hurt, his addiction is costing you a lot. It will hurt your health carrying all those stress hormones around all the time. You deserve better than this. It's not like people who have been married and had kids and have a whole life together to protect. It's been there the whole time. You really can do better, and you deserve better. I don't trust a guy who is like this in the first year of a relationship especially - that is usually when excitement is at its peak. You wouldn't expect this problem right at the start of a relationship. It suggests he is a very advanced addict and he can't even find the novelty of a new, real partner exciting enough to obtain a dopamine high. I'm sorry to say this, but he should probably work this out on his own rather than dragging you through this, with no promise of actual success. If you do stay, you'd want to find him pretty remarkable in other ways to keep doing that to yourself.

May I ask what you mean by zero carb? Like no sugary or white wheat products anymore or zero carbs in general, meaning you do not even eat vegetables anymore (which consist mostly of carbs)? Not to be a smart ass but I think zero carb is virtually impossible. And I think carbs in general are not bad per se. Polysaccharides take time to digest and therefore give you a lasting energy supply and are not bad like sugar (monosaccharides). I totally agree though, that the western carb diet is problematic in many cases. Personally, I was on a low carb diet for a while to lose weight. It was highly effective, I didn't have to starve myself to consistently lose weight and moreover my skin got really clean and clear. I was really astonished about this because I never had any problems with pimples or a 'dirty' skin but even in my case I could make out a distinct change for the better.
Ok, yes, zero carbs is practically impossible. What I meant was reducing carbs to the absolute minimum whilst still meeting your nutritional needs. In the past, low carb meant something like 15-20% carbs total. But now that has been revised as far too high for people with type 2 diabetes, or people carrying immovable weight, or people with metabolic syndrome. I'll have to disagree with you that polysaccharides are a desirable energy source. Whilst they are preferable to simple sugars, they still result in high insulin response, which is the cause of a lot of problems with metabolism and chronic disease. Evolutionally, humans were never designed to run principally on carbs as an energy source - that's an invention of modern marketing. More on that below.

I don't eat any unnecessary carbs now. For me, that results in having no more than 2-3% carbs - and the main point of emphasis here is that I don't chase carbs at all as an energy source. Most people, whether they are aware of it or not, are metabolically compromised because they rely entirely on carbs as their source of energy. If your carbs are above 40% you will be running very high levels of insulin in the blood most of the time (except when you sleep). This means your body never turns off its fat storage mode and you don't burn body fat. It also means, for most people, you will develop insulin resistance over time, and it will progressively worsen as you age. Insulin resistance is the main reason people develop weight problems, like the large belly, in their middle age and older. It's more significant than ideas around slowing metabolism with age. Carbs are a trap - they lead you into a lifetime of struggle with energy and metabolism.

We were all sold a lemon with the "healthy food pyramid" - it's literally responsible for the obesity epidemic the world is facing. Cardiovascular disease is not a result of fat consumption and cholesterol - it's because of high carb diets. Anthropologically, we weren't heavy carb eaters - carbs were fairly hard to come by until later developments in farming. Our ideas around what constitutes good food come more from farming and industry (and medical authorities bought and paid for by same), rather than studies proving what is healthier. Carbs in nature have always been a scarcity, rather than a constant supply. They were great when we could get them, and our body knows how to use them, but we were never supposed to be gorging on them all day everyday. What we see in supermarkets now, with all the highly abundant fruit, sugar and processed grains, is a total anomaly compared to what our bodies require. The carbs in nature are not highly calorific, and they come with plenty of fibre, that's why people who eat veggies like cruciferous greens, mushrooms, etc have no problems, but people who eats lots of potatoes, pumpkin etc, don't fare so well. It's all about the insulin response. We simply aren't supposed to be living with such high insulin levels in our bodies. Hyperinsulinaemia, and the resultant insulin resistance that follows, is the biggest cause of chronic disease, and cancer. It provides the perfect breeding ground for maladaptive processes in the body. It's a crying shame that fat was demonised the way it was, when carbs were the problem all along.

Another thing to note is that the problem with carbs is not just for overweight people. There are countless skinny people with metabolic syndrome which results in them being apparently thin, but having fatty livers and fat surrounding internal organs. They are known as "skinny-fat people". These people have significant insulin levels and insulin resistance, despite carrying little apparent weight. But the outcome for these people is just as bad as for morbidly obese people. They carry the same risk for heart-attack and stroke as obese people. These are some of the most problematic cases because they think they are healthy and they don't even find out that they are diabetic/prediabetic until something goes seriously wrong with their health. The cause of skinny/fat people? Carb-heavy diets.

Regarding cancer and disease. The reason we need to get our carbs down is because when they are high, the body is so busy dealing with them, it rarely properly engages a process called "autophagy", which is a our bodies main defence against mutated cell components which cause things like cancer and metabolic syndrome. By eating less carbs, and by having periods of fasting, we engage the autophagic response which involves the body digesting and recycling these damaged cell components before they turn into cancer. It also results in obvious changes in the body like clearing of the skin when on a low-carb diet.

I could go on and on about this, but I'm sure you've had enough, so I'll leave it there. 

I can't really say if there is any correlation or not, but I was in a phase of improving what I ate (especially sweets, I have a crazy taste for sweets and carbs in breads, bagels, etc) and all but quit drinking for a while, and that was when my biggest progress for porn was.  I'm sure it helped, but how much... not sure.  I do think that in a way compulsions are all connected.
I switched to a zero carb, ketogenic diet about 6 weeks ago. To say that the results have been dramatic would be an understatement. I have lost all cravings for sugar for the first time in my life - and I'm not kidding when I say I'm a full blown sugar addict. I used to plan my days around having sugar at my disposal. Now that I have cut carbs, I don't ever get uncontrolled hunger. I've dropped 40lb. It has put me in a much more stable mood too. The swings of hormones, energy, cognition and mood with carb-based diets are highly detrimental to well-being - not to mention the fact that over 2/3 of people in developed nations have significant insulin resistance if not full blown type 2 diabetes. I recommend to anyone to get off the carb train - even people who think they are the lucky ones who can live in carbs, it eventually catches up with you. Carbs are the main reason people die from cancer and cardiovascular disease. In high amounts like the western diet, it's poison.

Bosphorus, the start of Indo-China, the Persian Gulf, a token of solar energy that flies in the mouth of the black hole, rapist from another world, not earth, not even a star, but an unfathomable centre of ether that transmits hate to the tape of Nile. A space ship, round like a seven headed torus, collecting believers before the end, those that stay are destined for the cross, the test of ownership, that all must give up eventually or die, I pity you, talking to ghosts, they are not ancestors but jinn, materialising their penises in the human slaves to conquer humanity and subdue them into respect, time to flee, to leave this world alone, and masturbate to the parasites that scream hieroglyphics are Chinese, except there is one difference, pork, forbidden in all cultures, for it tastes of human meat, it is not dirty, but sacrilegious, to try the Phairoahs sun, not even the Nubians will touch pork, as the master said, teach not for ye shall suffer the rathe of heaven, a multiheaded crow.

Are you ok, Georgos?

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: January 21, 2020, 08:37:49 AM »
So I have diagnosed myself, I have infosomatosis, a tendency to teach when I should be listening, it is a form of psychosis-schizophrenia that leads to bad karma causing paranoia. I don't know whether I need to get it officially recognised by the psychiatric community, it would be a start, I think it only affects Cypriots and Cubans and maybe Japanese and Koreans. Thank you.
I would hope that is some kind of joke, Georgos! I can't tell because you're also saying you're having psychotic symptoms. But that sounds batshit crazy!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: What is really going on here?
« on: January 14, 2020, 08:05:04 PM »
First, porn addicts are liars - don't believe him when he says he stopped for years. If that were the case, you would have noticed a big difference in his attitude to you, and in particular, his level of sexual interest in you. If her stayed the same, he's lying. He's gaslighting you - making you doubt your instincts and question whether you are the problem in order to deflect the blame. I think the reason you cheated is because the devotion and loyalty within your relationship is at critically low levels. He's withdrawn from you in all the senses you need him. It's not ideal to have an affair, but it is understandable after years of neglect and feeling unwanted. You should forgive yourself for that. I don't see this situation getting any better for you unless you deliver some stern ultimatums about what you need, and what you aren't willing to accept. He can't behave like a porn-addled teenager and also receive the family support he's taking for granted. There has to be some effort on his part to treat you with more respect and to acknowledge that he is completely under the spell of his addiction. I think you'll probably need counselling to get anywhere with it because clearly if your discussions always devolve into raging arguments, you can't reach any positives conclusions that way.  Best wishes, M.

Ages 30-39 / Re: The Long Way Home
« on: January 01, 2020, 12:01:12 AM »
Wow, Wolfman, i must tip my proverbial hat to you. That was an inspired piece of writing. Respect.

If that's an example of what you are capable of when you're off porn, the effort is already worth it.

Ages 30-39 / Re: The Long Way Home
« on: December 28, 2019, 11:13:29 AM »
Hey Wolfman, that sounds pretty awesome! Congrats, hope it goes well for you.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: December 11, 2019, 09:11:27 PM »
I like it, Georgos! It makes the addict immediately accountable - especially those who claim ethics as one of the reasons they are trying to quit. For the ethical quitter, it's not enough to try for years to quit and postpone one's ethics. For the ethical quitter, each relapse should carry consequences beyond one's own PMO goals.

Porn Addiction / Re: Starting Recovery Again
« on: December 09, 2019, 03:36:00 PM »
Hi TF1, welcome to the forum. You are certainly not alone with what you describe. I think most of us here can relate to most of what you said. It's a profound and debilitating thing to be addicted to porn, and it affects us in many ways that are deeply embedded well before we actually discover that porn is harmful to us. By that stage we have built our lives around it and it is a huge challenge to get it out of our lives. But people can and do give it up. It takes complete commitment and determination, but it can be done. So stick round and share and visit often - you will need support and engagement to quit this thing. Best wishes, M.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: December 09, 2019, 03:28:18 PM »
Hi Georgos, you have articulated many things very well there. I feel like you have made a great many astute observations and connections there, but at the same time, I also think there are some false equivalencies or at least some true, yet disproportionate, reactions. I feel like I want to reply but need to do so when I can put proper time and care into it, which I currently can't, but I will circle back to it some time soon. I just wanted to let you know that somebody is reading what you're saying and taking it seriously, and that you aren't in an echo chamber. And I also want to make it clear that when I say that, I am speaking to you from an emotional support perspective, and not specifically to your ego - although as you know, the ego gets involved almost everywhere!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Hi.
« on: December 07, 2019, 05:47:35 AM »
It's possible there is more reaching her awareness about your attitudes towards women and communication in general that stems from your addiction than you realise. I don't think you should be too indignant about this. What you should be considering is whether you are good relationship material at this stage, or whether you are using her as rehabilitation material. If you suspect your readiness or motivations regarding her, let her go and do some more work on yourself. I don't know how much this applies to you, but for somebody who just relapsed, I'm inclined to think you are not fully aware of how you are coming across to her. Being an addict results in self-centered behaviour and lack of awareness and sensitivity to others. Maybe have a think about it.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: December 06, 2019, 05:54:59 PM »
Hi Georgos, I just want to say that I have been very impressed with your progress over the last year. Schizophrenia is not an easy thing to manage and contain - I've seen that within my own family. You have done a remarkable job to reduce your psychotic episodes to the degree that you have. That is through application of thought and effort. Alongside that, you have also made great progress in the PMO realm. So I just wanted to congratulate you on all that. I know the journey is not over, but it's good to take a moment to enjoy what you have accomplished once in a while.

Porn Addiction / Re: Info about how masturbation damages the human body
« on: December 02, 2019, 10:41:08 AM »
That's possibly the stupidest video I've ever seen.

Ages 30-39 / Re: 34 year old virgin with PIED
« on: December 01, 2019, 05:31:47 PM »
Yesterday was 30 days without porn, day 3 starting again on no MO. My libido has dropped off so it's honestly pretty easy right now. I still have kind of flash triggers where my brain remembers "this is a situation for I usually use" but the desire to do it isn't really there. Morning wood isn't all the way back but based on my daily tracker it's definitely trending towards more frequency and harder. I even had a day couple days ago where it was almost fully there.

I'm feeling like I need to start rewiring with females. Probably too soon to try for sex, but at least need a little physical connection I think. Unfortunately I deleted all my dating apps so going to have to figure out how to meet women in real life. It's weird, before dating apps I did that all the time but I feel like I've forgotten how. But I guess I'll just have to figure it out.
Definitely do it in real life. Apps are lame - they're a symptom of how uncourageous technology has made us. People want a certain thing already preconfigured on an app - it's the opposite of healthy human interaction. Risk is part of the experience. PMO is safe and secure too. It's all lame. Good on you for being willing to do it the old fashioned way!

Ages 30-39 / Re: 34 year old virgin with PIED
« on: November 23, 2019, 10:17:48 PM »
Thanks dude. I actually deleted all my dating apps except Coffee Meets Bagel a couple days ago, since it doesn't really have the trigger of just swiping through infinite hot girls, it just gives you a few a day. Doesn't seem as problematic as the others, though honestly I may delete it too and just try to focus more on personal development for a while.
Yeah, just delete it man. As much as you might tell yourself that this app is tame and harmless, when you read a description of a woman, your brain is going to start constructing an image of what they might look like, based on the information you have at hand, and your preferred type - which has been heavily influenced by porn.  And if you do that with dozens of profiles, you are getting a hit with each one of them and it adds up. It encourages fantasising and that keeps to dopamine stimulation alive, even if it's less hardcore than what you used to look at. Better to just shut the door on that and eliminate the risk.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Broken beyond repair?
« on: November 20, 2019, 05:30:14 AM »
It all starts with a day, then 2 days, then 3. So congrats on getting to 24 hours - that's really something when addiction has got you.

Sorry to hear about your HIV diagnosis - I wonder if this might have played into your feelings around your addiction? Getting the diagnosis of HIV can be very hard for some people - and I can see why it could lead to not caring so much about the future or what happens to you, so quitting porn might seem less important for a while. I think that's a passing state though because unlike in the past, treatment of HIV is so much better and people live normal, and long lives now. So there is still every reason to work out all your issues and make your life as satisfying as you can.

I have no idea what to say here but I guess I should just dive in.

Hi, I'm Melyssa and I'm currently married to a porn addict. (I guess that's abbreviated as PA here?) We've been together for about 6 years and although I discovered his addiction years ago it has never stopped. He acts ashamed, sorry for what he's doing, but he never stops. Oh sure he'll say he's going to stop, he'll claim he's getting help, but he never does. He even was in a 12 step program for about 9 months but he lied to them at the same time as lying to me. He's seen about 4 therapists and lied to all of them too. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.

I believe he loves me, and I love him. This time around he has blocked all ways he could access things so that's a start. But what next? How do I recover from the pain and deceit? How do I ever know when or if I can trust him again? I just feel lost and none of my friends believe this is a problem. "Everyone watches porn! Stop being so sensitive!" That's all I ever hear so how do I heal when I have no support?
Hi Melyssa, I'm sorry you're going through this - porn addiction is truly a scourge on humanity. You definitely need support on this. Your friend's attitudes will not help you in any way. It's easy to tell somebody who is hurt to just stop being sensitive, but it's absolutely idiotic advice and doesn't take into account any aspect of what you're experiencing. At least on a forum like this, you will be taken seriously - we've all experienced it in different ways, but there's no doubt that porn addiction is a real thing.

Unfortunately, a large proportion of society has succumbed to the normalisation of porn in our culture. It really does seem like everybody is doing it sometimes. And if you appear to be against that, you will be quickly labelled as anti-sex, anti-freedom, repressed, uptight, over-conservative, and a bunch of other things. But in terms of porn addiction, it really is nothing to do with whether your religious, conservative or not - it's actually a question of mental health and healthy functioning. Overusing porn changes the brain and not for the better. It can make smart people powerless. It can make driven people lose all direction in their life. And worst of all, it can kill love and relationships. So there's no denying that this is a formidable challenge you are facing.

Regular heavy porn use essentially medicates the brain and can become a crutch to help people to manage their mood fluctuations. After a while this can become a dependancy: and addiction, to the degree that the addict feels they need it to get through the day. When they finally realise that porn is bad for them, it can be so deeply embedded in their life that they still can't get away from it because of the symptoms they experience when they give up - that can be depression, anxiety, insomnia. Even in the face of a partner who is visibly distraught at what has happened to the trust in the relationship, they may still lack the self-control to stay away from porn. They will often relapse, and feel very guilty about it, but find ways to justify why they had to do it again just one more time. To the panicked brain, it can feel like a life or death type of feeling.

Having said all that, the addict needs to be given the full story of how the addiction has affected their partner. If a PA is going to quit the habit they should not be spared every ounce of pain the partner has experienced - indeed, this can be the only thing that gets somebody to quit. I think it's perfectly valid to declare that the relationship is on the line unless the addiction is worked on and conquered. Porn addiction tends to make people very selfish and only think about their own needs, so it's important that they are jolted back to reality and how their selfish behaviour affects their partner. So, have at it with everything you feel. Don't try to protect him - he needs to hear it all (and that he might lose you) or you have no chance, given he has already tried therapy and relapsed. I think he's probably a bit complacent that you are going to stick around no matter what. I would advise you to give him an ultimatum on this because he might drag this out indefinitely, and that's not fair on you.

There are a lot of good threads and excellent advice in this section of the forum for partners who have been in your situation. I would suggest you read through them and see if some of it resonates with you. Please keep in mind that none of this is because of anything lacking in you. This addiction started long before you were in his life, and you didn't stand a chance against it. It's not all bleak though. There have been many success stories of addicts giving up permanently and relationships healing - but it takes a lot of work. You will probably find that you need some psychological support yourself at some point. If you go down that route, definitely quiz the therapist first on their attitude towards porn addiction - many psychologists are PA-denyers and are worse than nothing in the effect that can have on victims of porn addicts.

I hope you will feel supported here on the forum and please feel free to visit often and ask questions and get opinions. Feel free to drop me a private message too if there's anything you want to know from a former addict that you don't want to ask on the open forum. Really though - we're all pretty open about everything here, there's no shame in anything you're feeling or confused about.  Porn addiction sucks!

Take care, M.

Malando, how would you recommend I bring up his PA to him? That's what I'm struggling with the most is how to broach the topic and my concerns to him in a non-accusatory way that wont immediately put him on the defensive
I think what would work best with most men is making sure that the conversation about whether he's a porn addict or not never even starts. I think it involves sitting him down in a very calm state and a low voice and saying something like "Okay XXX, you know I love you more than anything, but I have to tell you that I'm not coping anymore with your addiction and how it makes me feel about myself. I need things to change now or I'm going to leave."

At this point he might have already started to defend himself and say it's all in the past. I would wait for him to finish his sentence, give a pause for effect, then resume. "I know you think your problem is not that bad, but on my end it is. I can't do this anymore. The only way we are going to survive this is if we are totally honest with each other and we acknowledge this problem together. I can't listen to denials anymore. This is affecting me every single day and it's making me ill. Are you heading me on this? Do you realise that I can see what you're doing and how it's affecting you and changing you?"

There's a chance you might have him on the back foot by this stage and hopefully he'll say he can see it. If he does, then you can progress on to telling him what you need - whether it's limiting his technology access, giving him a dumb phone, blocking software on his laptop - although I'm not sure that this ultimately achieves much. What you really need is for him to buy into change. Maybe you need to go to a relationship therapist to discuss this - so that you can express in a safe environment how his addiction is affect you and your relationship. And he should enter a course of counselling himself to deal with his addiction issues. In the end, he has to be motivated to change. You can't do the work for him, and you can't be his mother hovering over him.

If he's arguing against it, then I would just return to the message, "I thought you might say this. But I'm sorry, I can't talk about it in this way. I know there's a problem. You'll have to trust me that I have the evidence. I'm not interested in discussing whether you have a problem or not - only how we are going to deal with it." I think there has to be a stony determination to be in charge of this conversation. If he won't cooperate, then say you're going out (or home, depending on where you are) and you'll talk to him about it later, but that you are going to talk about changing things either way.

I hope this has been of some help to you.

Yep, he's a porn addict. He's got all the signs. I would enter any talks with him on that assumption and I wouldn't even entertain hearing his side of it as to why he isn't a porn addict and how everything that you've found was from years ago. That's an insult to your intelligence to even have to hear it.

The way I see it, either he fesses up straight away and talks to you about what he's going to do about the problem, or you cut him loose. It really is that simple. This situation will not improve for you unless he is absolutely under no illusions that you are not willing to put up with this any longer. If he wants to keep doing this, he needs to let you go. Don't waste your precious time on somebody who is happy to gaslight you and leave you feeling constantly confused and paranoid. If he's got a problem, the least he could do is admit it and not lie about it - for your sanity if nothing else. If you care about him that much, tell him you'll support him to get help, but any more lies and you're out the door.

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