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Messages - Stp215

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Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: September 12, 2019, 03:06:03 PM »
Hello all, thought it was time to post an update.

The good news: since my last post I went over 100 days clean. Marked the milestones on my desk calendar and stuck with it. The flatline is very confusing and difficult. As I got closer to 100 days, I discovered that the flatline started to go away. The veterans on here are right. I was going on blind faith but have seen the results. I even began having sex with my wife again, and did so without ED medication. I considered it a great achievement, thanks in part to this forum and to the support.

The not-so-good news: I did slip off a bit and PMO sporadically. In total candor, I get bored with the routine of life. My wife and I both have time-consuming jobs and three kids, so the opportunities for sex are limited. If she has to go out of town for a work trip, I am indulging in PMO.

One of the hardest things is how your mind manipulates the situation. Ok, you broke your good streak and did it. Now my mind is thinking, you already did it once, might as well do a few more times before you start clean again. It’s wrong, but it happens IMO from being alone and bored. The old saying about idle hands.

Trying to see this as, I went a long time clean and saw the good results. I know I can do this with the proper focus. The challenge is staying on the right path over the long haul. Thanks

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 15, 2019, 08:06:27 AM »
Today marks 30 days PMO free. Before going clean I would take Levitra with decreasing effectiveness. It was difficult to maintain and I could not finish. Yesterday my wife was in the mood and I took a pill. The difference between trying to have real sex with PMO addiction vs. doing it with 29 days clean was noticeable. Was able to maintain and finish. I want to get to a point where I can do it with no assist at all, but wanted to share this experience. Staying clean clearly makes things better.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 12, 2019, 06:07:27 PM »
Will be clean 28 days tomorrow. Feelings some urges but have been swatting them down. No P within reach so confident it will keeping rolling.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 04, 2019, 03:52:04 PM »
I have noticed that for me I have often inserted a step even before the "peek at p" that you mentioned in that I'll find something that is not technically p and is "ok" but that starts the motor running in the same manner.

This just happened to me today. A female friend emailed me with unsolicited pics of her bust augmentation surgery (not nude). Needless to say it was fairly triggering. After feeling a brief twinge, I deleted them without incident. Not long ago I would have taken my phone to a private place and PMO’d to it. It is nearly impossible to totally isolate yourself from all triggers. I’d say the time I already have in the bank, plus the resolve from several relapses, was the difference.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 04, 2019, 07:29:13 AM »
Thanks. Yes, I can recall the sequence of events every time I relapsed. It started with a little peek at P here and there, creating a snowball effect. The addictive mind can be a devious liar. It’s like a devil on your shoulder, convincing you that there’s no harm from a bite of the forbidden fruit. The truth is we all have the power to control our environment as relates to access to P. When the environment is controlled, the chances of relapse are greatly reduced. Tackling a reboot with more information and wisdom than you had last time is what gives hope imo.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 03, 2019, 08:43:53 PM »
Thanks, jbow. The stories on here are so inspiring, as well as the encouragement. I still believe. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: April 03, 2019, 08:40:20 PM »
21 days = really good progress, BigMog. Three weeks clean and hopefully you feel good for it. You have a lot of time sober in the bank. A lot of positive brain rewiring already happened. Hope you have a calm weekend.

I like hearing that talk, working. Entering 19 days clean here. The first few days my brain felt weird. Would like to think that was part of the rewiring process. Still fascinated about how that works. If I could get to 100+ days and reach a point where the "factory settings" are restored, I will consider that a huge victory in the personal growth department. The idea of entering a new, better chapter of my life is so exciting.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 02, 2019, 10:17:35 AM »
17 days clean. Removing P from all devices is something I didn’t fully do in previous attempts, and it makes a huge difference. Reducing the opportunity to break bad keeps you out of bad situations.

Still struggle with the flatline. Very little activity down there. I’m taking a blind leap of faith that it will come back.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: March 29, 2019, 10:20:00 AM »
Now at 13 days PMO-free. Feeling great about it. Can’t wait to reach 100 and beyond. I will not be a slave to this any longer.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: March 25, 2019, 08:42:42 PM »
Today I looked at my calendar and figured out when it will be 100 days clean for me: June 24. That's my target. I will keep going beyond that, but 100 days seems to be a benchmark many people use on here. I'm 10% there and feeling good about it.

Tonight I found another device of mine that had a lot of P on it. As I was deleting the images, I literally had to look away from the images as I was deleting. The glances at the images I did catch were causing me discomfort. It literally hurt my brain to look at them. Now I have zero digital P messages on any of my devices. Feels liberating.

This process reminded me of a scene from the movie "A Beautiful Mind." The main character played by Russell Crowe suffered from schizophrenia and saw things that weren't there. When asked how he deals with it, he said (paraphrasing): "Like a diet of the mind, I abstain from certain appetites." That applies here too. It's almost impossible to go through life today without triggering images around you. The trick is to not put yourself in situations that will trigger you, and if you see them anyway, abstain from seeing any more.

Another thought: one of my favorite personal coaches is Tony Robbins. He talks often about helping people beat addictions. He has said it's all about creating the right associations in your mind. If you can't stop eating chocolate, you need to associate eating chocolate with bad things instead of pleasure. Once you truly do that, you will not want chocolate any more. Not hard to see how that translates to PMO. So far I have had negative associations with seeing a P image even for a moment since quitting. If that can become permanent, it will make lifestyle change easier.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: March 23, 2019, 06:34:22 AM »
Today I circled the date of March 17 with a red marker. That is the day I stopped PMO, and I want it to be a new beginning. I feel more confident than ever that I want to change my life and live better, and differently. All provocative digital images have been deleted from my devices. My iPad has become synonymous with PMO to me, so I have put it in a drawer and don't intend to use it again.

The first few days clean felt normal, then yesterday I had a distinct buzzing sensation in my brain. It's still here right now. I'd like to think that is the first stages of deprogramming from P, the rewiring process starting.

I wish there was a calculator that would let you compute, "X amount of time in PMO = you will need this much time PMO-free to heal." The inexact nature of it is very frustrating. In one sense, it's a good thing that flatline means there is no arousal happening right now, because it would increase your desire to MO. On the other, the lack of arousal makes you wonder if it will ever come back.

I'm not only giving up P, but changing the way I perceive the world. Thanks to P, I saw everything in a hyper-sexualized way. All women I came in contact with were evaluated based on their appearance and attractiveness to me. If there was a good-looking woman on the street, on a train, I had to look at her with lust on my mind. I see now that nothing productive comes from that. Now I am simply not looking.

Last night I was watching a movie on Netflix. Unexpectedly there was a graphic sex scene. It produced a reaction in my brain that was not positive and did not feel good at all. I turned it off.

The process for me is more than just walking away from PMO. I'm eating healthier. Exercising at a gym 2-3 days a week. Not putting myself in situations that have led to PMO in the past, like locked in my bedroom surfing the internet.

YBOP is a great resource. I've been reading the articles and so many of them describe my condition in amazing detail. There's no uncertainty. I have been a PMO addict for more than 2 decades and have PIED symptoms. I've been down this rabbit hole for so long, its almost hard to imagine I could reach a place where I am healed and fully-functional. Reading the testimonials of guys who have been as bad as me or worse and healed themselves gives me hope. Thanks.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: March 18, 2019, 05:00:00 AM »
Hello brothers, it's been a while for me on here but need to share and hear any feedback. My struggle is ongoing. I've gone up to 4 months PMO free but still struggling to get off the roller coaster.

The flat line phase is still brutal and confusing. I've read many accounts on here about what it's like for others, but it still tough. How long does it take to heal? It's different for everyone, but I still have no idea how long it takes for me to start real healing.

My marriage has also been on a roller coaster. We have been trying to make it work, but there are difficulties. We have sex occasionally. I use Levitra for a boost, but it doesn't work as often as it does. I can perform with about a 60% erection but still don't finish during it. The sensation of real sex still doesn't compare to PMO. We have had other issues besides my PMO, and I still don't know if I want to stay in the marriage. One concern is that if we got divorced and I met someone else, the PMO issues would still be there.

For me, PMO is all about the dopamine kick. It really is a drug addiction in that sense. I have shown myself that I can go months without PMO, but when the flat line period is so dormant with no sign of light at the end of the tunnel, I get frustrated and give in. And if you give in once, you mind starts talking to you. "If you've done it once, why not do it a couple more times?" Next thing you know, you're back to full PMO mode and starting from scratch again.

I still have a strong desire to be healthy and functional, but the ups and downs of this are a bitch. Not knowing how long the process will take. Battling with your internal demons along the way. Triggering images all around you in the world, even when you're not seeking them out. The shame and self-loathing that comes with relapsing. If there was a medical operation or a chemical treatment that would be a short-cut to healing, I would gladly volunteer for it. 

I'm still in the fight. Wish I had a better story to tell, but I'm not giving up. Will try to post here more regularly.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: May 09, 2017, 08:54:14 AM »
Thanks for the words of encouragement, Work. You're right, the focus now should be more on staying clean and being in control. Trying to focus on next steps: getting to 60 days, then 100. Appreciate your support.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: May 08, 2017, 01:31:49 PM »
Today is a milestone for me: 30 days without PMO.  :)

This is the longest I have been clean. Feels good, like I am in control of that area of my life now. For many years I felt like I was just reacting to urges with no strategy. It does get a little easier the further down the non-PMO road you go.

That said, I am still deep in the flatline stage. There is some mild wood here and there, but nothing exceptional. The whole purpose of this for me is to be fully functional with a woman again. My biggest concern is that I get into a situation with a woman and there is still nothing going on down there. The huge unknown for me is, how long will it take to get back to the "original factory settings." I don't expect it tomorrow, but hope it won't take forever.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 21, 2017, 09:46:19 AM »
Arrived at 13 days clean today. A little surprised I've gone this far without succumbing to relapse. I still think about PMO at times throughout the day, but as long as I'm in flatline, I haven't come close to going bad. At this rate, I think I can start pushing PMO to the sidelines in my life t the point where it's irrelevant. That would be a great thing given the destruction it causes. 

The thing that concerns me most is the time it will take to return to normalcy. I started in my teens, so I have no illusions that this will be an overnight fix. However, the prospect of going a year or more in a a flatline state is disturbing. At that point the idea of staying PMO clean might be more difficult. Are there any signs to look for along the way to indicate that healing is taking place? That would provide a lot of incentive to stay the course.   

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 17, 2017, 12:10:24 PM »
Got through the weekend with no PMO. Nine days and counting. It might sound sacreligious, but the biggest triggering opportunity for me came not from P, but going to church on Easter Sunday. It was 84 degrees and sunny, and the women came to church dressed to the nines in summer wear. It was a huge distraction to sit through that with visuals everywhere. I had to force myself to look away a few times, as there was stimuli in every direction. Thankfully the drive home allowed me to reset and there were no relapses. Just a reminder that there are pitfalls everywhere in this journey. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: Try, Try, Try Again
« on: April 17, 2017, 12:03:55 PM »
I feel your frustration, brother. I'm on my third reboot attempt here. There are days when I'm like, "I've got this, no problem." Then other days when the withdrawals are hitting bad. Really trying not to be alone in my bedroom with an iPad or a phone, the situations that often led to PMO for me. Hang in there.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 16, 2017, 02:54:42 PM »
would love to get to 100 days clean just to see if there are some real positive changes. There you brother, it's all up to you. You can do it

Thanks, brother. Appreciate the support. I really want to see this through.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 16, 2017, 04:21:28 AM »
Woke up at 5 am today, just because I went to sleep early the night before. Everyone else in the house is asleep. In the past, it was a given that I would PMO in a situation like this. I'm not doing it now, instead coming here and sharing.

Today is 8 days clean. Trying to stay focused on the big picture: arriving at a place where I can perform with a woman the way I want to and not have this addiction constantly intruding in my life.

I know 8 days is just the beginning and it's a long process. I feel much more empowered in this reboot than previous ones. Maybe because I'm starting to take charge of my life in other areas as well. Would love to report on here that I am 30 days clean. That's my next milestone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 14, 2017, 01:15:43 PM »
I'm back to work on my PMO problem. Hit bottom again and feel a lot better about getting to a better place. I reset my counter late so it's actually been 6 days clean today. Today is the first time since quitting that I am feeling withdrawals. It's so weird because all the impulse to fap is coming from above the neck. Below that it's flatline. Reading YBOP has helped with understanding the chemistry of what is happening.

Yesterday I went through my phone and deleted about 30 porn pics I had saved on there. Before I deleted the first one there was a hesitancy like, "I need these." But after deleting the first one it felt like a snowball rolling downhill and I deleted them all. Felt good, like I was in control of the situation.

This problem has been compared to a drug addiction, and that's exactly what it is. Except the drug is already in your brain, and it's not something you smoke, snort or inject. I would love to get to 100 days clean just to see if there are some real positive changes. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: October 11, 2016, 02:43:39 PM »
My counter says 6 days but it has actually been 8 since my last PMO. In the depths of the addiction, it is almost always the mind telling the body to PMO, even if the body isn't asking for it. In my experience, once you get over the initial mental urges in the first few days, the flatline kicks in and you wonder what's going on there.

Having said that, I have had times where the body is telling the mind it wants release. That raises another question: I'm sure not doing any release other than actual sex is the best thing, but what about occasional MO without the P? I have read here that just fantasizing about P in your mind is almost the same as using P, but what about envisioning sex with your significant other? I ask because going from extreme levels of PMO to absolute zero can seem like a big hill to climb right out of the gate. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: not sure what to write here
« on: October 11, 2016, 02:34:21 PM »
Want, what I meant was, most people are here because they have some version of PIED. Sounds like that is not why you are here. I can certainly understand how addiction in any form is a problem. Good luck with it.

Ages 40 and up / Re: not sure what to write here
« on: October 10, 2016, 02:36:29 PM »
Hi Want, welcome here. One question: If you're "happily married with a great sex life," then what is the problem? 

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« on: October 05, 2016, 01:14:36 PM »
Gabriel, I can relate to a lot of what you have posted. There is no doubt in my mind that this thing is 95% mental, 5% physical. When I am abstaining from PMO, I am not feeling strong physical urge to do it. However, I often feel a tremendous urge to do it in my mind. And being idle and/or alone in the house is a case of "idle hands are the tools of the devil." I can distract myself with work, kids, etc. for most of the day. It is the down time that concerns me because that is when my mind drifts to PMO and you convince yourself for whatever reason that "it's OK to do it just once" and next thing you know, you are snowballing back into doing it 2-3 times a day.   

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: October 05, 2016, 10:31:00 AM »
Back on here after several months away. I'd like to tell everyone that I have been PMO free all this time, but that's not the case. The truth is, it has been a roller coaster.

The marriage has been up and down. There was a stretch there where my wife and I actually had sex a few times. Thanks to a Levitra assist, I was able to perform although I didn't get off through intercourse. The sensation of vaginal intercourse simply doesn't compare to the dopamine rush of PMO at this time. Just being able to have sex again was something of a relief. But to be completely honest, it wasn't nearly as satisfying as the PMO experience. The infrequency of sex has had more to do with busy schedules, kids, etc., than a lack of interest. In the meanwhile it was and is so much easier to just PMO rather than waiting for the planets to align correctly where sex can be fit into our schedules.

So I haven't PMO'd in a few days and am trying to get a streak together again. If I can PMO and still have sex with my wife, I am  wondering why I have to give up PMO altogether. I'm sure the sex would be much better if the PMO was out of the picture, but I read on here how guys have gone over a year without it and are still not healed. That sounds horrible. If I could re-wire and heal faster than that I would jump at the chance. Just have no idea how long it will take and if I have the resolve to make it happen.   

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