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Messages - achilles heel

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 16, 2019, 12:19:19 PM »
Thank you very much, Lero and BlueHeronFan, your words mean a lot to me and help me now that I am facing sadness and regret. You show me I'm not alone in this and give me the strength to believe I might repeat and even surpass the latest success!  :)

I just got triggered by a lingerie ad appearing at a random news article and realize how far I had come. I didn't care about those ads anymore during my latest streak, but just now I had this tiny thought of "Hey, 4 days or 0 days isn't a big difference, go for it once again!" - this is not a conscious thought, but I'm definitely vulnerable to those triggers at this early stage and need to actively tell my brain "NO! STOP! MOVE ON!".

There is a tough road ahead once again, but I am willing to go this road again. It's the only choice I've got!

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: September 16, 2019, 11:42:07 AM »
It's an especially great way to finish off a sort of challenging day: I had a vivid porn-related dream last night that got me started off on the wrong foot. I wouldn't call them urges exactly, but I have stopped myself a couple of times today sort of daydreaming about porn. It's like, "You know what would be nice/fun? To just unwind with some porn. Remember that? That was fun." And then I catch myself and try to think in other directions.

Luckily, the afternoon got much busier with school and stuff, so the worst of it was in the morning. I'm a little on edge now, though and worried about where it's all headed. I guess the shortest answer is that it will only go as far as I let it, so I just need to stay committed and stay strong. It has been a little while since I have had to go into "war mode" or whatever I should call it. Anyway, all a good reminder that urges and triggers can happen at any time. There's no magic length of time that gives us a free ticket out of trouble forever.

Sticking to it and pressing forward!

Good to see you are still aware and don't get desperate about porn appearing in your dreams after such a long time. This recovery is a life long task and you are showing how the daily work is still neccessary even after half a year without porn. Keep going and inspiring! :)

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: September 16, 2019, 11:38:39 AM »
Day 1

I relapsed. I made a mistake.

What happened?

Whatever the mistake may have been: Don't make the same mistake I made and repeat the relapse over and over again. Get up right now and get back on track. Mistakes happen and they are not a complete setback unless you allow them to turn into days of binge.

A single relapse is no reason to panic, just make an emergency plan to avoid further damage. We're here to support you! :)

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 14, 2019, 04:41:05 AM »
Thank you very much for your support, guys, and sorry for letting everyone down. I went on a binge on porn and sexting for the following days and now managed to stay 2 days clean.

I fell for the "It's day 0 anyway, allow yourself the complete pleasure one last time and then start again!" trick, but the truth is, it all started way earlier.

I could have gone 200, 300, 500 days if I had just followed my restrictions. Instead it already set in when I allowed myself to use my cell phone at home - even though I only left it close to the entrance door - to communicate with the girl. I also kicked the restrictions of internet access at night, because it was annoying to not be able to look something up after a certain time.

When I realized I didn't relapse despite the lowered guards, subconsciously I thought I wouldn't need restrictions anymore. Got drunk and high on the weekend, took my cell phone home and watched YouTube in bed - without relapsing. And, hey, I returned to my old habits but without watching porn, everything okay, right? Of course not.

100 days hard mode showed me two things: First of all, I am able to live a free life if I stick to my restrictions, rules and good habits. And second I NEED to stick to those restrictions and build new habits to live a free life.

The key is the daily success, but also setting some goals for the next weeks while problaby making it through withdrawals, depression and the shit I said I never wanted to go through again. I will stick to some rules and goals:

- my cell phone stays out of my home
- maximum of 10 minutes of social media every week
- I won't access the internet after 22:30 (exception: Rebootnation)
- I won't go to bed after midnight if I work next day

- no alcohol (at least for the first weeks), no drugs
- no fast food, no refined sugar
- eat at least one piece of fruits/vegetables every day
- do sports every day (at least a 15 minute home workout)
- read at least 10 pages of a book every day

This is rather simple, but it's about getting back on track. I won't count days, because it will be frustrating to start this low again after reaching 100 days. Also I think now it's not about a streak anymore, I had the key in my hands to leave this behind forever and my new goal is living every day free and enjoying this life to the maximum, no matter if it's "day 2" or "day 200".

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 09, 2019, 12:25:15 AM »
Thanks for your support, guys, but unfortunately I failed!

Day 0

I just MO'd on sexting for hours, exchanging fantasies with a girl I hadn't seen in a long time. Facebook wasn't blocked anymore, now it's up to me to show not everything is lost. I will pick myself back up and be a part of this community again. It's important to not let this repeat and find strategies right away. More later.

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 08, 2019, 05:34:51 AM »
Thank you very much, BlueHeronFan! You are absolutely right, but unfortunately, I left the good path due to focussing too much on her. It was a big mistake, but it's not too late to turn things around.

100 days

It's pure luck I am writing this, because I ignored all the rules and good habits. Getting drunk and high has been my replacement, my nutrition is shit, I didn't do sports and took my cell phone home. Today I even watched YouTube in bed. The number of days I reached seems magic, but I am not happy with my life of the last days since getting rejected and falling into some kind of self-pity.

This is kind of a "day 0" in terms of everything but porn and I will do a big clean up of my house and return to the heaviest of restrictions right away. I will stop drinking for a while because drunk I am vulnerable to substance abuse. Replacing one demon with another isn't the idea of recovery. The longest streak ever of no porn, no porn subs, no sexting, no MO ist still alive despite adverse circumstances - now it's my turn to build upon it a free life.

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« on: September 04, 2019, 05:58:31 AM »
Your latest case surely was artificial stimulation to a minor degree, you didn't binge on 20 tabs of hardcore porn, but it's not your natural sexual behaviour to be with your wife and another girl. It's a fantasy that's not driven by connection as BlueHeronFan said, but mostly by porn consumption and craving for dopamine through novelty. The question of resetting a counter is hard, because it depends on your definition. It's a difference if you sip at a beer or empty a bottle of wodka and it's clearly not the same and doesn't set you back to the same degree. Just learn from this experience as not being a healthy sexual experience (otherwise you wouldn't talk about it here) and do not repeat it, that way you take benefit out of this episode.

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: September 04, 2019, 05:50:17 AM »
I guess a key to your success is your calm way of being grateful for the "normal" and having a reflective but positive attitude towards everyday life. Our addiction is the everlasting search for a new high and accepting to not chase this high again and again is important. Without having any advice as you don't seem to face any major trouble, I am still following your journal as an example on how a life after the addiction might work. Thanks for giving an outstanding example!

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: squid's journal
« on: September 04, 2019, 05:41:51 AM »
Congratulations on your latest success and on trying to improve in every aspect, including the video game / YouTube topic. I changed my opinion on the radical approach of change throughout time. Yes, it might be exhausting to put in lots of effort on various topics, but on the other hands the radical approach shows results and brings new energy to keep advancing. You keep having clear goals in life and see steady progress, which is a good sign. Keep going!  :)

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Alive but not living because of P
« on: September 04, 2019, 05:32:29 AM »
Sorry to hear about your relapse, but you've come incredibly far compared to where you've been earlier this year. Even now that you feel like shit you are already 5 days in which would have been a huge success already 2 months ago. This is a marathon and you win if you remain consistent - a single relapse is a setback, but not to 0. As long as you are able to stay disciplined, you will go through the hardest stage again and then analyze what went wrong the last time.

All the best for your journey!  :)

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 03, 2019, 05:24:44 PM »
96 days

I apologize once again for not being a supportive part of this community lately and thank you for your comments. I still didn't catch up with your journals and can't concentrate on reading them at the moment.

My number one priority lately hasn't been quitting porn, but meeting this girl again. My efforts on working on myself had that exact purpose, I didn't go to the gym for myself, but thinking about presenting myself in the best possible way to the girl. It was the first time in years I felt I maybe could enter a serious relationship again and I had real hopes things could work out.

After meeting her on friday I felt something was wrong and today I received a long text message explaining why she wasn't ready and why it was better to be honest and stop the whole process of getting to know each other.

It has been a long time since I experienced rejection, but it feels just the same every time: I feel like choking, like crying, my heart rate increases, I can't eat. There is this huge, paralyzing wave of sadness coming over me. I do feel empty and unwanted. My reaction to this isn't normal, I am facing one of my biggest fears. I'm almost in physical pain.

I used to avoid these situations my whole life or just numb myself to escape them.

But this time I have to face this pain and face my fear. I have to endure this feeling. This is life. Being rejected is part of living. The avoidance of pain and fear also means lost opportunities of joy and happiness. The purpose of this journey is to feel again, to live again. To no longer numb myself to uncomfortable situations and to be able to experience life in all its positive and negative aspects.

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 29, 2019, 06:50:07 AM »
Thanks a lot guys and sorry I didn't contribute to this community much lately - I keep being very busy which is a good sign on the one hand, but on the other I will try to catch up with your journals this weekend. Being busy helped me reach:

90 days

Yes, 90 days no porn, no porn subs, no sexting, no MO for the first time since I started watching porn about 18 years ago. It's only a number, but realizing how long it took (6 years trying to quit, 3.5 years writing a journal here) and how many relapses I had along the way, I really do feel proud. I had one major streak in 2016 of almost 4 months that included frequent MO and at some point I kept counting despite edging to porn subs - this time I just did it hard mode and it's actually easier after some time.

This still isn't the end of this journey and lately I am working harder than ever before on advancing with my whole life. Will give a little more detailed update this weekend - keep going everybody and remember: If I can do it - I have been a hopeless case for far too long - you can do it too!

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: The final countdown
« on: August 26, 2019, 12:33:40 PM »
It's important to keep that in mind to remain aware of the progress that happened, keep going, you've come very far yet!  :)

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: August 24, 2019, 06:40:48 PM »
I will say this, too: now that everyone is back on campus for the school year, every day is full of way more triggers than I faced during the summer when things were a little quieter here in town. I have noticed that I'm better at not dwelling on triggers and just moving on pretty quickly, but, holy cow, every day this week has been like walking through a minefield of potential pitfalls.

I guess it's just all about re-adjusting to new circumstances. I made it through the summer. I can make it through this.

Here's to a great weekend!

Hope you had a great weekend!  :)

By triggers you refer to girls? Shouldn't it be a good sign you feel attraction towards real girls? I know about your struggle with staring at them, but to some degree it's just normal and natual to look. I don't think that's a porn induced behaviour and I'm not sure if you will reach a point of not feeling "triggered" if you keep those strict rules. On the other hand I don't know how those encounters affected your former reboots. For sure you will have less to look at as fall sets in, so the "problem" will solve itself soon  ;)

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 24, 2019, 06:28:51 PM »
Thank you very much, BlueHeronFan and Lero!

86 days

It's going very slow, but there are chances things might work out with the girl. We met again (in a group, as we have a friend in common) and she was touching my arm in various occasions, laughing a lot and later apologized in a message that she had to leave earlier, but wants to see me again next week.

On the one hand it's a good sign, on the other hand the whole process of meeting her showed me some patterns in my behaviour that are dangerous. My personal development and progress must not be influenced by meeting a girl. If things work out - great! If they don't work out - I will just keep going and there will be another opportunity!

My focus needs to be put back on establishing new, positive habits in my life and keep advancing. I decided not to go out, but go to the gym, eat healthy, will sleep a lot and repeat the same for the next days. I will significantly reduce drinking alcohol, because it has gotten out of hand lately. There is a lot of work ahead and apart from my healthy habits, I need to question my behaviour and my fears and leave my comfort zone.

Quitting porn is hard work, but the key to a long term success is to spot the behaviours that led me to using porn over and over again and not all of them are porn related and none of them will disappear automatically after 90 days of abstinence. It's important to point that out again and again, because subconsciously I am disappointed to not have all my fears and troubles gone just by quitting porn. There are no superpowers, but still it's absolutely necessary to kick porn and all its substitutes out of my life forever.

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: squid's journal
« on: August 24, 2019, 06:09:03 AM »
Congratulations on further advancing! Good to see you have clear and ambitious long term goals, all the best for achieving them!  :)

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 22, 2019, 02:05:51 AM »
80 days, man! This is wow!

Thank you, Lero!  :)

I know the feeling! But I have heard it can be good not to bend over backwards in order to be available, especially in the early stages. Stick to your rules (for your own sake) and try (easier to say than do) not to worry about messing things up. For all she knows, you might be one of those people who has a "no screens after 7:00" policies or whatever. If she's really going to get bent out of shape because you can't text her until the next day, that's her problem, not yours.

Thanks, I tried to take things easier and left my cell phone out of my house over night after gym. It's just that normally I shut it off after work already and I changed that lately. Took the phone home after work, left it by the door and checked it every half hour, that worked for me. I have to think about a long term solution, for now it still led me to:

83 days

Got my tasks at home done, went to the gym three days in a row, made good use of my time and keep advancing at work. Going to meet the girl again (not alone, but with friends again - but we're in contact and she doesn't seem completely uninterested in me) and while normally I wouldn't want to think about a possible negative outcome but just wait for what happens, I am still a little afraid. More than being afraid of rejection, I am afraid of not being able to handle the feeling of getting rejected. This is such an important key in my personal history and I need to find out where this comes from and why it affects me so much. Rejection triggers a feeling of incredibly low self-worth and led me back to my addiction in the past. I guess I have to learn a lot about myself and need to become more stable in my abstinence to deal with negative emotions that I ran from for too long by using porn.

83 days is an amazing success to me on the one hand, on the other hand there seems to be a welcome-sign to life that says "Welcome to reality! It's tough some times, get used to it." - I am willing to accept that challenge, but I am at the very beginning and have to learn a lot about myself and how to deal with this reality.

18
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: August 21, 2019, 01:41:14 PM »
Let's go see what tomorrow will bring!

Great attitude, just not letting a temorary negative experience change the overall mindset is a key to success. We were used to run to our instantly-feel-good-drug for far too long and now need to endure ups and downs fully aware of reality. It's great to see you have come that far after half a year and I hope these changes will last!

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: 24yo Journal
« on: August 21, 2019, 01:38:42 PM »
You're doing great in analyzing your previous reboot and learning from it. It's important to learn from every relapse to not repeat the same mistakes during the next try. This is a marathon and it's about endurance. By changing your habits step by step you will succeed, you've got what it takes!  :)

20
Ages 20-29 / Re: I am not going back to P
« on: August 21, 2019, 01:33:40 PM »
I'm sorry to hear you're going through that much trouble, but at the same time happy you resisted once again. You've come too far to go back, this is your way and it's the right way. Don't allow your mind any negotiations, just shut down every inner monologue about whether or not going back to porn, because you DON'T want to go back EVER again! To my experience the only solution is just saying "No!" and going for any healthy distraction. If cravings hit again, go out for a walk, do some exercises, do anything to keep you away from negotiating with your addiction!

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« on: August 21, 2019, 01:25:46 PM »
Might be true because often it's the fact that we feel like hitting rock bottom that drives us towards change. If it's not "that bad" after all, this absolute desire to get out of the abyss might not be there. But the fact you felt the need to register and write about your addiction shows it's really serious to you anyway. I hope you find the key to a successful start of reboot again, you have a community that supports you during every step!  :)

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: August 20, 2019, 10:52:35 AM »
It's almost impossible to give you any good advice because you seem to have a rather relaxed view on whatever happens despite feeling nervous about school.

So I guess I'm just complaining. I woke up with higher hopes for the day, but sometimes the day just falls flat. That's okay. That's why we have so many of them.

Deal with expectations that don't come true ist - just like dealing with rejection - a new feeling we need to face in the real world. There is no back door called "porn" to escape negative feelings. But they will pass and your attitude is just right to keep going.

Day by day to a yet amazing success, I'm looking forward to keep following your good example! :)

23
Ages 20-29 / Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« on: August 20, 2019, 10:47:29 AM »
Good to hear from you! :)

If you can go one month, you can also leave this behind completely. The view on women is a strong point against porn and if you don't want to be influenced by those acts seen in the movies, you should leave those memories behind. I know you can do it!  :)

24
Ages 20-29 / Re: I am not going back to P
« on: August 20, 2019, 10:43:09 AM »
1 month

Some months have 30 days so it's safe to say that I have 1 calendar month without this fucking poison.

Congratulations on your amazing success! :)

Quitting this addiction cold turkey has revealed a lot of things to me. It pushes you to handle your life without resorting to porn which is how it's supposed to be. It's a new teritory for me which seems scary now: Dealing with my life without the soothing of porn. I think I need some time to get used to it.

This is the crucial point: You will need time. We grew up with porn, I also started at age 14 and after years and years of using this drug to escape reality, we won't enter a shiny happy world. There will be difficult situations putting us on temptation again and with every time we say "No!" the cravings become less and we are one step closer to a healthier and more fullfilling life.

I want to quit porn so much so I have to start again when I reset my streak after a binge. And starting again means that, if I want to reach 1 month one more time, I will have to go through those hard days again. The strong craving for porn, the strong urges. I don't want this. I don't want to re-live those days again because they've been fucking hard. So this is one of the reasons why I am so stubborn to go on.

The same thought helps me a lot too, just keep remembering this even if you go on another month or even further. It's easy to forget all the suffering after a relapse and return to our ever helping medicine.

Just keep going, you're through the worst stage yet and from now on it should become a little easier. If you don't lower your guards, you will succeed! :)

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: I am not going back to P
« on: August 19, 2019, 10:50:33 AM »
You are amazing, almost a month complete after you couldn't go a week not long ago!  :)

This is the right track, just keep going and things will become easier. Just remember all the suffering you went through, now it's important to go the rest of the road to success! It's totally worth it and you can do it!

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