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Messages - achilles heel

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: Today at 10:11:38 AM »
Day 7

First week complete, now the difficult weekend is ahead and I have to focus on going through step by step. This is a huge success already, but the toughest time is about to come.

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 13, 2020, 04:06:46 PM »
Day 6

And another day complete, tomorrow will be really important as I will finish the first week and enter a difficult weekend. So far I believe in myself and really feel the change!

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 12, 2020, 10:11:44 AM »
Day 5

Still going step by step, this finally feels like a restart. I have to focus on advancing on a daily basis before defining any long term goals. This is just about leaving porn behind.

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 11, 2020, 04:29:00 PM »
Day 4

Completing 4 days is a huge success already and I stick to my method of just being too busy to relapse. There is a long road and lots of suffering ahead, but I am willing to go through all this again. I can do it!

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 10, 2020, 05:09:17 PM »
Day 3

A good start so far, still keeping myself busy and looking forward to another day.

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 09, 2020, 04:59:07 PM »
Day 2

Kept myself very busy and had a very productive weekend, proud to announce I completed the second day and now focus on the next day to build my way out of this step by step.

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 08, 2020, 09:53:24 AM »
Day 1

4 years and 4 months after starting this topic and having some major streaks, now I feel like I am back at the bottom and this feels more like a confession than an update:

I now realize what success I already had when doing streaks of various weeks rather easy and spending more days without porn than with porn. Although my relapses after some weeks or even months felt like a complete setback, I managed to start again and to keep porn out of my life most of the time.

Now the whole coronavirus situation completely changed my life for the worse. There are no big social events, no big meetings at work, no public speaking, no personal client contact. I struggled with severe social anxiety due to which in 2013 I discovered I had a problem with porn addiction. I found the key to my misery and seven years later I am right back at it, because lately I can hide myself after long porn binges.

I currently watch porn most days on a daily basis, sometimes even twice and making it three days has been a huge struggle already. My last serious intent here was in april, then I wrote in june but relapsed right afterwards.

I feel ashamed because to get a bigger high during my binges I always felt sexting was even more exciting and I also MO'd on webcam on a page dedicated to that. I feel so empty and ashamed afterwards, this MUST stop.

While my other struggle, cocaine, hasn't gone out of hand in terms of frecuency as my porn use did, I still crossed some lines I wish I could undo. While I always tried to hide doing cocaine and only did it at certain parties or with certain people, I lately did it at random social events with close friends and even family members around. Furthermore I am driving under influence and don't care. This is dangerous to myself, to others and at some point I even felt like: If I finally get caught, I will have a motivation to change my life, because I hit rock bottom.

I had to deal with severe personal issues lately and while this isn't the cause of my addiction, it's the cause of not gaining motivation to fight my way out. But I can't wait to hit whatever rock bottom, because this is not about avoiding the negative, but building a positive life. I love my life too much to let this downward spiral continue.

This is a new beginning, my first goal is to complete my first day and to be able to write "Day 2" again.

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: June 21, 2020, 05:00:04 PM »
Day 1

Just completed a new day 1. Not much success lately, no positive perspective, no motivation to go it alone. I need to take this problem serious again and work on recovery, this is a serious restart once again and I feel motivated to leave my addiction behind.

At least some good news: Over 2 months without drugs aside from alcohol.

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 28, 2020, 04:05:13 PM »
Thank you so much for your overwhelming support, guys, it really means a lot to me and helped me in an incredible way!  :) - this weekend I will take my time to read through your stories, because - and that's good news - I am very busy!

It's already:

Day 8

First week complete, now heading towards the second weekend. Have been very, very productive so far and force myself to work out at home every night before going to bed now. Skipped my entry here yesterday, but I guess it was okay as I avoided any kind of trouble keeping myself busy.

Have to go back to the daily success: Next goal is another day without porn!

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 26, 2020, 03:22:20 PM »
Thank you very much, Blue! So far I am on...

Day 6

...and doing really well! I've been very productive this weekend and made it through without much trouble. From now on I will write every day, even if it's just a short entry as this one. Made some changes that will hopefully help me finally leaving this addiction behind.

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 22, 2020, 09:54:25 AM »
Day 2

It's hard to start again and gain motivation, but I think I am prepared better this time.

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 21, 2020, 04:03:03 PM »
Day 1

Everything went well until a girl (former 'friend with benefit') sent me a lingerie pic out of nowhere. She is in a relationship so that caught me totally off guard. We used to have a heavy sexting relation, but I didn't cut contact because she's in a relationship for 4 months yet. After falling back into the porn abyss for the last three days I cut contact and blocked her, also am cleaning up my 'unhealthy' contacts.

I should also admit that after a month clean I had the desire to do coke on Friday and it turned into a long binge with heavy depression afterwards. Right into the depression I received the picture.

I want to quit both, porn and cocaine. Doing coke makes me vulnerable for a porn relapse afterwards and the negative effects of both are way worse than the temporary high.

Circumstances have never been more difficult for quitting, but I need better preparation. Will sort out any sexting risk out of my contacts as that's my easiest way into relapsing.

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 17, 2020, 12:09:52 AM »
Day 9

Weekend is here and I woke up to sexual dreams, not porn dreams, which is a maybe a good sign. Cravings are increasing and I have to be very cautious. Still I feel more dedicated than ever and will leave this behind once and for all!

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 16, 2020, 02:40:46 PM »
Day 8

Close to the second weekend, need to prepare because it's going to be tough!

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 15, 2020, 08:50:52 AM »
Day 7

First week almost complete, feel highly motivated and productive. Next step is to reach the weekend without relapsing.

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: April 14, 2020, 03:24:38 PM »
Congrats on 4 weeks and on already gaining the strength to say 'no' easier! The first month is the toughest so you did an amazing job. This weekend I will try to catch up with your whole story, but already saw you abstained 3 whole years which is a background to build upon. You've got the power to change your life!

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 14, 2020, 03:20:57 PM »
Thank you very much, faonoe!  :)

Day 6

Motivation is really high. Higher than ever before. I still have to put lots of work in overcoming cravings and advancing step by step, but it really feels like I can make it this time. And many times I lacked that belief in myself just to fail somewhere around the first month already.

Before any deeper reflections it's about stepping out of the abyss first. Tomorrow I will complete the first week on hard mode and hope to keep going.

18
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 13, 2020, 03:24:58 AM »
Day 5

Got much stuff done at home and started working out again, not being able to go to the gym shouldn't be an excuse to be completely out of shape.

As always after excessive porn use, I have to keep up with lots of things and clean my home. The results are always satisfying and I still have high motivation on advancing.

Next intermediate goal is to complete the first week!

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 12, 2020, 06:20:43 AM »
Day 4

Almost through the weekend, this is a huge success considering my current situation. I will focus only on today and go step by step!

20
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 11, 2020, 05:35:37 AM »
Day 3

One thing I learned for sure: It does make a difference relapsing once or going on binges for days or weeks. I experience a major setback in terms of stronger cravings and it's already a struggle to make it through the first days.

I have to appreciate how much easier it becomes to say no to porn after the first month. I want to experience that freedom even though I will never be 'cured' completely.

For now it is just pushing through the tough times, I made a good start and try to keep myself busy.

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 10, 2020, 06:02:54 PM »
Day 2

Technically I am already on day 3, but here's a part of the plan for the rest of this month: While I can not promise to succeed, I can promise to write here every day. If I go on days of binge again, there is no way to hide, disappear and start again - I will write here every day.

This will help me not falling back into the porn abyss. So far I had a good start and my first goal is to make it through the long weekend. Would be a great success, going step by step, day by day.

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: April 10, 2020, 02:33:15 AM »
Thank you very much for your kind words, Blue! I'm sad to see you went through the same as I, but let's get back on track together... last year we both reached our biggest streaks and I looked up to your amazing success.

Unfortunately I have no good advice on the whole quarantine situation, because as you said the lack of connection makes recovery very difficult.

But let's look at it as a challenge. During my latest binges I've seen a porn ad with #stayhome. This really makes me angry, using this horrible situation for such a cynical advertisement.

Isolation won't last forever, meanwhile I am your connection! All our other fellow rebooters are your connection! We're all in the same difficult situation so let's work even harder and come out of this situation with the feeling of having achieved something big!

23
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 09, 2020, 04:41:24 AM »
Day 1

Thank you so much for your encouraging words, guys! Unfortunately instead of a major update next day I failed immediately and lately couldn't turn things around due to being home too much and working home office. I felt like shit for not even making it a few days porn free, instead my porn use is on daily basis lately and I skipped tasks I had to do for work lately to go on a binge. Yesterday it happened once again and I can't wait to start again until the whole quarantine situation changes.

Today is the first day of a new life, I made it before and I can do it again. This has to stop now because all the big achievements I made during the last years are in danger if I don't react now!

24
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: March 14, 2020, 05:53:12 PM »
Day 0

After my latest entry of "preparation" almost two months ago I didn't even come back to write here because I already failed. Had some success then due to dating a girl, but failed again. Today once again. None of those latest relapses have been as horrible as those I described here sometimes, but still I couldn't make it without porn for long and also went back to cocaine several times while also drinking frequently. Now with corona virus public life is shutting down step by step and I spend more time alone causing loneliness. As dating the girl already ended and I feel lonely again, out of curiosity I searched for a girl on Facebook that I couldn't get out of my head for years to see that... she just got married. I can see the combination of circumstances to leave me two options: Either drown in self-pity, alcohol, drugs and porn or to get back on the right track and fight addictions. I will go for option number two and write a bigger update tomorrow after getting lots of things done today!

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: January 24, 2020, 05:11:23 AM »
Thanks, Blue and Adventurer! I will reply to your insights, but now just have to make a cut again:

Day 0

This time I went down the abyss deliberately and on a daily basis. Seven years trying to quit were in vain and I was only torturing myself without any results - that's what I thought after relapsing this time. To hell with social anxiety or sexual dysfunction, porn is just fun and I should allow myself to go for it. Instead of fighting these thoughts I decided to just allow myself to act on those desires. Just go for porn, go for the fun, live my life the same way as before just without those stupid restrictions and the abstinence thing.

But, well, I can't live my life like before including porn! More than that, even if porn wouldn't have any negative side effects I still would want to quit it BECAUSE IT IS SUCH A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME! My life time is valuable and I can not keep up with everything I am doing while also including porn in my life.

When I think about 7 years of failure, I have to put it in a different perspective: Yes, I relapsed after 37 days clean and returned to "day 0" - but it also means I lived 37 days without that time wasting bullshit. I am successful at work, use to do sports and attend social and cultural activities. I have already build a life that replaced porn step by step without really noticing how far I have come. And it is thanks to the process of quitting, even though I didn't finally quit yet.

There hasn't been a single time that after a porn binge I said "Wow, that's what I needed in my life right now - it was such a rewarding experience, I will go for it again!", I usually end up here and start again. Now, this time I decided I wouldn't quit out of shame or guilt and instead go back to porn every time. But I reached a level where nothing turns me on anymore. That's the pleasure I was craving so much: No satisfaction at all and killing all my natural desire.

I want to quit porn definitely, today starts one week of proper preparation. I will work on strategies on how to avoid the usual difficulties, prepare myself a "FAQ" on my appearing self doubts through this journey and write down what little steps in life I would like to change to just CHANGE them instantly and make this a new start with the missing link in the chain to success.

Restrictions are useful and necessary, but they need to be well thought and I need a solution for my cell phone which is my last weak point while otherwise I was able to control my life.

Well, cleaning up my life starts now - in preparation to take the final step into freedom.

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