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Messages - achilles heel

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: November 04, 2019, 03:12:39 PM »
Day 2

This is something like a prolonged day 0, because I gave myself 72 hours of preparation before entering this journey again. This is the last time that I will go through the first month again and I need to prepare this really well.

Of course after writing on october, 29 about my big update on the weekend I relapsed again on october 31 to start again with a new streak at november, 1st (as if my brain didn't trick me into this a hundred times). And of course I binged again and again and again. I stopped at november 2nd in the morning when I crossed another line, had my personal wake up call on life and remain in a state of deep depression.

Throughout my almost two decades of porn escalation I discovered the high of sexting and the voyeurist/exhibitionist approach of a new, bigger high than just watching porn. Becoming porn is even more thrilling and without going into too much detail I know a girl who is into this a lot too. Actually I knew various girls, but I managed to cut contact or quit this with everyone but her. My last binges were watching porn for hours and at some point send her pics, videos or even make a videocall, doing all kinds of things for her to reach the escalation I needed. The latest escalation was doing this but on a public sex-chatroom with her and who-knows-who-else watching. When I came I immediately felt that I've crossed an unthinkable line for myself.

It was not possible for myself to just set a new "Day 0" and start again, I need a profound cartharsis. I told the girl about my problem and we decided to block each other on the phone. I cut contact before, but never blocked her or told her about my problem because I felt too embarassed. Now I deleted the number, completely reset my phone and deleted everything with a special overwriting tool. I feel like I need to cleanse my old life to make a restart possible.

67 hours passed since the last binge and I decided not to go "all in" on a new life immediately, but get my tasks at home done, set up a new plan for the following weeks and make my devices as safe as possible for the upcoming weeks.

The severe series of relapsing clearly has to do with the disappointing development of dating the girl I mentioned. My honesty about my drug problem and the other girl weren't supposed to make her happy, of course. Instead I got really angry because she managed to find out who the friend-with-benefit-girl is (I didn't even mention her name) and I had to face distrust in several occasions now. That's the reason I won't talk to her about my porn problem and probably will stop dating her completely.

I'm not ready for a relationship or any connection at the moment, I hit rock bottom and face depression, self-hatred and shame. It's a hard task to just face all this negativity and not drown it in alcohol and cocaine as I'd really like to do now. I never felt this low and it never took me so long to climb out of the abyss to enter a new reboot attempt. Tomorrow I will start with daily tasks and add some new habits step by step to build a new life. I try to gain a positive view on the latest events: Hitting rock bottom might be the initial motivation to reach a long term change, but first it's just a daily struggle to return to feeling alive.

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 29, 2019, 04:32:51 PM »
Day 0

This came by no surprise: As I was frequently seeing the girl, I thought restrictions weren't necessary anymore and I was going to walk out of this the easy way. No time for self-pity, I am going to make tomorrow a happy and fullfilling day. Not in the mood to write too much, but I will write an update this weekend.

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 24, 2019, 06:13:03 AM »
Thank you very much for your overwhelming support, guys! :) I'll do my best to catch up with your stories but am very busy at the moment - in a good way!

And I know what you mean about porn-induced social anxiety. Are you in a regular meditation habit at the moment?

I never really found my way into meditation, I know there is tons of videos on YouTube and I even asked for suggestions and tried - any suggestions how to start?

Day 19

Dating continued and is heading towards a relationship, we had sex the last three times we met, but it's not as satisfying as it could and should be. It takes longer to get and stay completely hard and it's not performance anxiety due to being nervous. She has an amazing body, but the porn binges definitely were setting me back - clearly not to ground 0, but still far enough to feel distant.

I really like her and decided to be completely honest to her, as she asked me to not play any games, but tell her the truth if I was really interested in her or just wanting to have fun. As she asked me directly about seeing other girls I was honest about that girl I met the week before and told her I was cutting contact. The drug topic also came up and as she never took any illegal drugs, she wasn't too lucky about my history either, but I asked her to give me the chance to leave this behind. Despite those initial obstacles she wants to see me as often as possible and we're basically planning every free minute to see each other.

Apart from that I am facing depression and mood swings, even more as I am not only quitting porn and masturbation, but also cocaine and currently even sugar, fast food and alcohol. She is my extra motivation to go through this shit again, although I try not to depend on another person, but set my own goals - still it clearly helps to have that perspective to be with her when the mood rollercoaster goes down. My next goal is to complete the first month and then to continue my path to physical, sexual and mental health.

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: October 21, 2019, 02:19:18 PM »
In my opinion that's too much obsession about the topic, you're more than half a year porn free and voluntarily changing - just take a look at the partners section and the amount of girls who are in a relationship with porn addicts and desperately want their boyfriends to change. You're one of very few who realize their problem, try to change it and actually make progress. Everything's fine, you are more than ready and no girl will judge you for your past!

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: October 19, 2019, 04:05:08 AM »
I experienced the increase of wet dreams during longer streaks and during episodes without sex too, I guess it's normal as I've seen this description often around.

Your "worrying-about-the-future brain" also is something normal, thinking about the long term future should prevent us from making stupid mistakes in the present, otherwise we all were still watching porn every day  ;)

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: Last attempt to quite porn
« on: October 19, 2019, 03:48:21 AM »
Congratulations on 3 weeks complete - if you can make it 3 weeks, a whole month is possible to! Go for it and stay focussed!  :)

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: squid's journal
« on: October 19, 2019, 03:45:40 AM »
You're doing great in every aspect, impressive to see the variety of your activities. Best of luck finding a better job and also best of luck with the girl today! Don't put pressure on yourself and try not to focus on performing when it comes to sex, if it doesn't work the first time, it will work next time and if you really connect to her she won't put any pressure on you and be patient.

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 16, 2019, 05:33:54 PM »
Thank you once again, guys!  :)

Day 12

I'm right back in the emotional rollercoaster of the first weeks of reboot and my life seems like a rollercoaster too. The good news is: I made a successful restart and it feels like a new life due to the changes I made at home (new furniture, clean up, buy new plants, rearrange old furniture), this really helps and I am confident to make it through the upcoming hard stage of reboot.

Last saturday I had sex twice with a girl I dated for a while at the beginning of this year, it definitely didn't feel as satisfying as during my longer streaks of abstinence and the second time I didn't get 100% hard. I cut back contact with her because of her drinking and cocaine habit and the danger for me to get pulled in again (we got drunk and high together often). This time I convinced her of cancelling the drug delivery and have a good time sober, but her habits are out of control and I need to keep more distance to save myself.

And ironically there is good news in terms of dating just now that I returned to the porn abyss: I got a girl's number at a bar (being completly drunk and high) three weeks ago and at first we didn't seem to have a good connection writing messages and we both had been really busy (as I was meeting the other girl again) until we finally met last week. I tried to avoid a dating situation, but we ended up at a bar sitting in front of each other and I felt the return of my social anxiety that had gotten so much better during my long abstinence.

I POINT THIS OUT TO MYSELF: The healing of social anxiety due to abstinence from porn is NOT placebo! I use to forget about this when my streaks advance, but after porn I have a hard time making eye contact and feel nervous and insecure.

My solution to this was to order drinks to relax a little and at some point I just went to the toilet because I really felt uncomfortable holding eye contact all the time - not because of her, she's really awesome and asked "You're not going to leave through the toilet window, are you?". I should have had a great time as she's good looking, funny and really self-confident, but instead I felt intimidated and worrying about not being good enough for her. Porn is not the source of every issue I have, but THIS is completely porn related! I really could beat myself up for throwing away my impressive streak last month.

However she really likes me and wanted to meet again. As I had already set up meeting the other girl last weekend, we agreed on meeting yesterday and she came to my place. To calm my nerves I planned on drinking with her, but as I offered her a drink she replied "No thanks, I do like you without being drunk." - I felt even more uncomfortable because I didn't know if it was a joke or a serious reference to my drinking behaviour. There was no choice but to stay sober and not use alcohol to escape. Later we cuddled, kissed and started undressing, but I felt too nervous and uncomfortable to keep going because she's incredibly hot and in the back of my head I thought about not being completely hard during the second round last saturday. She noticed that I didn't take off her underwear and asked if I didn't want to keep going. I told her straight forward that she was making me a little nervous, because I really like her a lot and that I'd prefer to keep things until that point for now. She was perfectly fine with that and told me today that she can't wait to meet me again and how she enjoyed being with me.

I remember how just a month ago I hit the 100 days clean, felt so much more self confident with much less social anxiety and now that I finally meet an amazing girl who likes me too I go through all this shit again. I am sick of that ever lasting vicious circle of falling into the porn abyss, experiencing social anxiety and as a result getting drunk or doing cocaine to socialize, then relapse on porn again due to the hangover and so on. My life is full of amazing opportunities and it's totally worth it to once again pull myself out of the abyss step by step, day by day.

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Last attempt to quite porn
« on: October 16, 2019, 01:01:44 PM »
You're so close to 3 weeks, hang in there and remember the effort you put in already! Use as many restrictions as possible to keep yourself away from danger and find emergency plans for heavy urges... gym is a really good idea and you will see results apart from the helpful distraction... all the best for you!  :)

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: October 16, 2019, 12:57:47 PM »
Looks like you're doing well overall and got over the minor cravings and "flashbacks" :)

Good to see how you're taking on things with the girl with patience, you're right about not needing to rush anything! Be careful about the social media accounts and "curiosity" though, you know what tricks our brain can play and are right about not trusting yourself (at least too soon).

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Last attempt to quite porn
« on: October 13, 2019, 06:59:54 AM »
Great to read you've come that far already! Keep going and stay alert, to my experience heavy depression due to reboot passes after the first month and it becomes easier!  :)

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: October 13, 2019, 06:42:35 AM »
Really great and helpful to see how after such a long time you're not just "cured" and stop caring, but still have to watch out and keep this a daily success. You're giving an example on how to take on this problem and I am learning a lot even from your quiet days. Sooner or later I always thought about going back to my "normal life", no matter how much I told myself to stay alert. Now your example shows how you managed this problem for over 200 days and despite a longer quiet time, there are still urges, there is still the danger of relapsing if not taking care of this process.

Just keep going as you always do! You can feel proud and happy about what you already reached now, this is a huge success and every situation of trouble you manage will help your brain to make the right decisions in the future!

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: October 13, 2019, 06:10:16 AM »
I hope you didn't give up - there is a way out and you can make it!  :)

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 10, 2019, 06:07:30 AM »
Day 5

Thank you very much, BlueHeronFan, putting things down in a more rational way helped a lot. I need to treat my addiction that way to find solutions - good thing is, I made a decent start of 5 days yet.

I am currently changing furniture and rearranging my flat to give myself the impression of a new beginning. This helped in the past to initiate major streaks. Cell phone stays out of my home, restrictions are activated, now it's time to keep working my way out of the abyss.

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 07, 2019, 05:10:04 PM »
Day 3

No, there is no update about 2 weeks complete. I relapsed on friday until saturday, but at least it was a wake-up call.

How did it start?

I wanted to go out with friends on friday and had my phone in my car. It was rather difficult to communicate because it was cold outside and I decided to make an exception and take my phone home. After all I decided not to leave, but to go to bed early.

Instead of taking my phone back outside, I didn't care - after ten days I should be on the safe side, because I learned my lesson, right?

Around midnight I looked up a movie, out of "curiosity" I opened the google images and clicked through pics of one of the actresses, then scrolled down the related pics until reaching bikini pics and clicked around a bit more. Through related pics I ended up at model pictures in bikini and at some point caught myself thinking "That's porn subs already, your streak is already broken, now it doesn't matter if you keep going!" - without searching explicitly for porn ("Hey, I am not searching for it!") I stumbled upon porn later and then thought: "Well, I already looked at porn, I have to start again anyway."

(Maybe a trigger warning is requiered from here on:)

Hours later I had watched all of my "favourite" categories and went down the abyss because my normal taste didn't turn me on anymore. I watched degrading point-of-view clips, fake rape videos and so on. I wrote a girl who's into sexting and did really unspeakable things on cam and when she went to sleep, I continued to watch more and more porn until I came basically by accident after a total time of 12 hours.

I know I shouldn't hate myself for this, but it's hard not to. It has been a very painful lesson, one I thought I already learned long ago: I can not handle my cell phone at home! Like, I am writing this at almost every page of this journal and still out of pure lazyness break this rule constantly to relapse again.

It's not that much of a sacrifice after all, but it saves me from the most painful, humilliating and damaging experiences of my life.

This is the last chance to turn my life around and I will not fail. This is a promise to myself: I will succeed. I am free and I will live my life the best I can.

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 03, 2019, 03:25:28 PM »
Thank you very much, Blue and Lero!

@Lero: As I mentioned in your journal, we're in similar trouble concerning weekend excess and it's dangerous for the reboot. I definitely will keep working on this.

@BlueHeronFan: YouTube is safe if I use it for a certain purpose - I found the video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKn4IGY8OH8) and started watching, thank you! Hope to finish it this weekend!

For now I'm just here to announce I reached another checkpoint:

Day 10

The two-digit number. I'm keeping myself very busy, because the hardest stage is about to set in. Have been incredibly productive so far and my next partial goal is to complete two weeks which includes making it through the weekend. Still it's a big success already to get back on track after falling back into the porn abyss - step by step I will succeed. I hope to be able to give a major update this weekend when I completed a long to-do-list, I am doing very well so far and while busy I am less likely to relapse.

Keep advancing everybody!  :)

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: October 03, 2019, 12:15:58 PM »
Congratulations on going steady towards success!  :) I guess the quiet days are the reason why you are advancing so much, you're the opposite of what I mentioned on Lero's journal about Lero and me (and many others) permanently searching for another thrill, for something to happen. This is leading to stupid decisions and many times back to porn. You learned to be happy with the every day pleasure and will more likely find true happiness due to appreciating the "normal" high of life.

I'm looking forward to the next episode of you and the girl, the build up is great so far and hopes are high there will a happy end ;) Don't worry about your history as a porn addict, most girls assume every guy is watching porn and by telling them you quit this shit forever you won't have any negative feedback but full support!

Worrying too much is a key almost all of us here seem to have in common as I notice by your story and the reply of Quitforeverthenwin. I can relate to feel uncomfortable about things others barely notice and it's really hard to get over it. The perfectionst self-approach could be a key why we escape to addiction and feel the pressure to escape from a reality that isn't as unforgiving as we use to think.

Just stop worrying, you're awesome! :)

18
Ages 20-29 / Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« on: October 03, 2019, 11:53:39 AM »
Hope you're doing well and just took some time off the internet, Adventurer!  :)

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: The final countdown
« on: October 03, 2019, 11:52:14 AM »
We were in the same boat and roughly same number of days, I relapsed after 100 days, you advanced another week. I can totally relate to your situation now as it really sucks to get up after coming so far. But this long streak wasn't in vain, it showed us that we are capable of 100 days clean. And if we can make it 100 days, we can make it 200 or even a life long!

I really like Lero's definition: We're in search of the opposite of emptiness!

If you ever have any doubts, remind yourself that you reached a level of despair to search an online community of porn addicts to confess your addiction and search for help! We are here because this is destroying our lives and because we wish to get rid of this more than anything else, now what's the benefit? To reach what you most desired for years!

20
Ages 20-29 / Re: squid's journal
« on: October 03, 2019, 11:45:25 AM »
Congrats on being close to the magic 90 and on the big plans that will make your life more fullfilled without a doubt. Running a marathon is definitely a big challenge, but just think of how you advanced at video games and then imagine putting the same time into your fitness - you will reach your goals easily!  :)

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: October 03, 2019, 11:41:01 AM »
Congratulations on your first week, great to see you're back on track! Tomorrow will be the return to the two digit number and as you said about your "muscle", you are going in the right direction! :)

Another thing that I want to say: The city has "TRIGGERS" written in capital letters all over it. For a P addict, this is suffocating. Too much "softcore P" disguised as advertisements everywhere I fucking look. At the same time, girls look so uninteresting because they are not on a screen. Their skin looks so "weird", so unappealing. I feel no interest to engage with them. Ha! It makes me laugh like the Joker from the new movie. I am stimulated by advertisements but not by real girls. This is the true definition of P addict, man. Only 7 days won't turn things upside down but I'll get there.

I know and hate this feeling and I definitely had this changed during my longer streaks. When back in the porn trap it even turns me on more to receive nude pictures by a girl than actually be with her - this just feels wrong, it doesn't feel human!

I haven't drunk in a week and I don't plan to but I have moments when my mind wonders to "Man, let's have some fun!" I don't need any obstacles right now

Also congratulations on this, I can totally relate to what you wrote on my journal about the button to escape reality and make it easier to socialize. It's also a feeling of missing out something, of not being part of the newest drunk episodes with the "entourage". I think this restlessness ("Something needs to HAPPEN now") is a common thing most addicts share, but I haven't found any key to actually leave it behind.

I hope everything works out well with your new job and you keep advancing in days clean!

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: September 29, 2019, 05:39:13 AM »
Congratulations, Lero, now build up on this good start and complete the first week!  :)

23
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 29, 2019, 05:37:56 AM »
Thanks for your support, guys!

Day 6

The good news is: It's day 6 of hard mode and I am doing well. Had sex on friday and definitely feel a big difference on how it felt during my abstinence and now - less intense, didn't get 100% hard and it took longer to come. Porn is just setting me back in so many ways and I tend to forget during bigger streaks.

Bad news is my behaviour concerning alcohol and drugs, it has gotten out of control. I always wanted to keep this topic out of this community as it's about porn and not about other habits, but I definitely need to quit cocaine or I won't succeed in overcoming porn. And while I don't want to quit drinking completely, I need to cut it significantly. When really drunk and with the "wrong" people around me, I will do cocaine and once started I won't stop because coming down just sucks bad. The next day always feels like hell and I am more likely to return to porn to make me feel better. Actually porn and coke have a lot in common, both highs are just about searching for a bigger and bigger and bigger high and the same dose won't do after a while. There is no benefit to it, really none and I need to remind myself, that's why I write this down here. It's my easy way into socializing, because all anxiety is just gone for a short amount of time, but that's a cheap and fake way I chose for far too long (8 years) now.

It's enough, I love my life with all its ups and downs and will leave the road of addiction behind before it's too late.

24
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 25, 2019, 05:18:59 PM »
Hey, man, it's just awesome that you're back. Sorry you've hit a rough patch and that you have some literal and metaphorical cleaning up to do. But I'm rooting for you!

Thank you very much for your help once again, I managed to turn the switch. I started a new sheet on the computer with daily, weekly and long-term goals for the rest of the year. The main part of my tasks at home is done too, restrictions are activated. I had to really convince myself of a new start and now I feel like I've got the energy to go through the hard first weeks again. Although you're completely right:

You're exactly right to focus on just getting through Friday. Stick with the small milestones and the manageable goals. (But I also think you have it in you to get way beyond 100 days!)

First things first, next stop: Friday!

You didn't let anyone down. Everyone here is responsible for his own life and you don't need to feel guilty about anything. Everyone here knows exactly what you're going through because we've all been through this over and over again. This guilt is another trick your mind is playing.

I think it's a great decision to get rid of your phone and install porn blockers for now as it makes it easier. I believe all you need to do is to go through the next 7 days and you will be comfortable enough to resume your streak. The positive things the 100 days have done to you are still here. Don't let them go.

Thank you very much for your kind words, brandnewself! :)

I know you're right, but there is still this feeling of failing to finally be a good example and head towards the success stories to give hope to others on the one hand. On the other hand I didn't give any support on other journals in weeks and instead returned to my porn cave. Let's not call it "guilt", but responsibility or accountability. We're in this together and it definitely is easier to go through this with the help of others.

Day 2

So I just doubled the amount of abstinence since my latest entry ;)

Now that the dust (not only at my home) has settled, it's time to analyze where things went wrong. It all started with breaking my restrictions to stay in contact with the girl I was interested in and surely went downhill when I got rejected out of nowhere and binged on alcohol and drugs during the weekend. It has been a miracle I didn't relapse right away, but as I made it to 100 days despite all that apparently gave me a feeling of not needing any restrictions any longer and I relapsed the day after.

The last two weeks have been really, really hard because aside from some heavy personal issues within my family, the whole story about the girl who rejected me has a really fucked up plot-twist that left me shocked: I mentioned that I know the girl through a friend in common. Well, to be more specific our "friend" in common is female and I didn't really know her well, but through another friend (we met in a big group maybe twice before). Right after the girl rejected me by that text message out of nowhere, our common "friend" sent me a message like "Sorry to hear things didn't work out, still want to hang out this weekend?" and I met her without any intentions because I wasn't interested in her at all beyond friendship.

Turns out she is a complete psychopath and apparently was a driving force beyond that rejection (by telling that girl things about me) to spend time with me alone. I realized too late, tried to distance myself and, as she realized, received phone calls in the middle of the night, insulting messages and had to block her on every possible way of communication. This pretty much sums up my luck with girls lately and I guess it's a good idea to return to focus on myself and my development.

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: September 25, 2019, 04:25:58 PM »
Besides all that, today is Day 200. Next stop, 250 (and that feels like a really long way away, but I also feel like I can turn up the milestone difficulty a little at this point). We'll see, I might have to set an intermediate goal depending on how things go. But I'm feeling confident and hopeful, so no reason to hold back on the goal-setting.

Congratulations on that amazing milestone!

In terms of entering the "dating game" I think by what you describe (having a good time, laughing, you think there's more to it than just her politeness), you have lots of open doors to just develop this naturally as you are going to meet her again anyway due to school. If I understood it right your idea of "casual" is not to ask for a real date directly and I support that idea because a date also puts pressure on both and might end up awkward.

I suggest to go for interesting activities in your city like street (food) festivals, cultural/art expositions where you don't sit down face to face, but walk around and have some topics to talk about besides the dating situation of question and answer.

It's also an easier way to direct the conversation towards the topic of a specific event and - if she seems interested - ask her out starting like "This saturday I'm going to event X, want to join me?" - you are showing her that you are going anyway and she won't feel the pressure of a date. If you get along really well, it's a lot easier to develop some kind of dating situation out of the activity or - if you feel like it will take some time - keep it casual for a while.

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