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Messages - npod33

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Headline is a bit misleading, I Still count the days but I have to think about it when I wonder how many days I have gone without PMO.   I had a few almost relapses from days 31-day 38 but was able to stay in control and tell myself that I am so much better than this.   From Day 38 to now I guess I am in what they say hard mode and it feels good!  I am not going to lie to you and say the urges are there.  They are and most likely will continue to still be there but I am in more control of them.    In addition towards the stronger morning wood I have been experiencing in the moring, I also find myself waking up earlier than I have when I was wasting my life looking at and masturbating to Porn.   As a result, I find myself exercising much more.  To date I have lost 10 pounds of weight through exercise and making better food and lifestyle decisions.  One other thing that has helped me was staying hydrated.  It not only curbs my appetite but gives me more energy to work out.  As I lose more and more weight my testosterone levels will increase.  I am looking forward towards heading out of town for a few days to go skiing for a few days and give myself an extra distraction.   Good luck to everyone!

Yep I almost relapsed by looking at porn very briefly but I did not masturbate or orgasm during that time.   Each relapse was tough and I as going through the thought process and begging myself to have the strength to step away from the computer and tell myself that it was not worth it.  While I was successful in doing so I must say that this was not and is not an easy thing to do.  But then again I am constantly asking myself the very question as to just how bad do I want it?  And the answer as of now is I want it real bad! 

I have noticed changes in me as of recently and some of them are good and some of them are not so good.  For starters, I am finding myself to be a little more aggressive lately and not backing down to much.  I find myself getting animated and passionate at times and unfortunately most of the time they are of a trivial matter.  I am not afraid to take any risks whether it is asking out and or even engaging in little physical contact with the opposite sex.  And to my chagrin, most of my advances are not being rejected.  Maybe there is something to be said that a man is more attractive the more semen they retain.  Who knows,   Once I realized that porn is no longer (or at least I try my best to not let it be) an option or consolation prize any more and I am forcing myself to be more engaging with the opposite sex and either enjoy acceptance or deal with rejection. 

I have been more open with regards towards my addiction and I have received a variety of responses that ranged from: you are nuts, to why are you doing this to no judgement at all.  Generally, speaking, most of the people I have come into contact with have been generally supportive of me.  One person said something that was really insensitive to me that hurt me for about an hour in which I took time to ponder what she said to me.  Then I remembered a time in my life when I was seeing a girl and while I was still around porn it was not 24 7 and there was none of this high speed internet porn.  I had a decent job, my own place and a girl that I dated and had alot of fun with.  Remember those times when I would count down the hours to go see her. While I am in my reboot I would do just about anything to get towards that period of my life again.  Not sure if it is too late but at least I have something to strive for.

All the best in your journeys and stay strong.

Success Stories / Re: From total PIED to orgasm with a condom
« on: December 05, 2016, 09:20:20 AM »
Great Story I can actually relate to alot of what you are saying.  I am currently on day 27 of my journey and the thought of having sex with a condom on does in fact terrify me at this moment.   

Ages 40 and up / My Journal 22 days
« on: November 30, 2016, 09:33:03 AM »
Well they say it takes 21 days to break the habit, well I am approaching day 22 of my journey.   The urges to look at porn are not as bad as I did when I first began this journey, the flashbacks are not as bad and the morning wood is coming back but the thought of sex is still not desirable for me at this juncture.   I am not sure if it is performance anxiety or if it is me not respecting the process.  Whatever the case I am committed to the process.  I mean, what do I have to lose really? the chance to look at more porn.   Oh well Best of luck to you guys and good luck to you guys on your journies

Ages 40 and up / My Journal Day 14
« on: November 23, 2016, 01:20:39 PM »

I just completed day 14 of my no PMO campaign and I am feeling kind of blah about everything but accomplished that my counter is now in double digit territory!  This was the year in which I decided to seriously address this porn addiction head on!  The longest I went without PMO was 50 days only to relapse.  I did a 30 day no pmo campaign and I actually had successful sex with a woman during that time only to relapse after that and I have never been able to get back on the wagon again.  While I was still meeting women during the summer and dating occasionally nothing was was sticking.   

I would still go to the porn sites every now and then but not to the point during my heavy use days. Whenever I was on the porn sites and fapping off I noticed that I was usually depressed after the experience, often anti-social and at times very lazy and disinterested in alot of things after that.  I would skip gym workouts, avoid social settings and just sit on the sidelines in general.

Well I decided that November would be the month I would keep clean that would be the month in which I would get it started and well that was great until I relapsed on day 3 and continued on until the election day in the US.  I fapped on the monday prior to the election and on Tuesday I voted, picked up my dad and had dinner with him and took him back to my apartment.  I had to run an errand and when I came back I was watching the returns and Trump was largely ahead and the DOW futures were down 800 points (I trade for a living) and I was slowly seeing my fortune and livilhood slowly evaporate.  I trade for a living and that is how I make my living.  I recall going to bed that evening thinking I would fap off to calm down but I could not focus so I would go on my laptop and try to find out financial news if anything was out there.  I woke up the next day and the Dow Futures were down 300 points which was well dealable.  I told my dad that evening that unless I get a margin call that evening I will not sell one share of stock into this sell-off.  The ironically it turned out that I had a really good day and I even managed to sell a covered call on one of my positions and I was able to close a few short put positions.  Of all the times to fap off that would have been it.  That was one small victory for me.

First week
It was a tough week in that while I did not fap I would still go to my free porn sites to see what was being updated.   I never clicked on the images but I was still checking them out and I did at one point drop my pants only to pull them back up.  At one point I even got up out of my chair and walked around my building a few times just to calm down.   

The second week
I started going to a harder mode and the curiosity of the free sites was slowly waning but I was still not feeling great about myself and I was kind of blah and unmotivated to say the least! Basically I was just counting days and adding notches to my counter but not feeling any real accomplishments.

Then something happened to me. The epiphany reappears.  We met on Sunday in a bar and had conversations that evening and decided to see each other the following day.  I am not going to say much except that I came clean with regards towards what I was going through and she was and is amazingly supportive.   I have no idea how this will play out but it sure feels good to have someone like that in my corner again.

With that! Week 3 is going to be a breeze!  Win or lose I will definitely let you know!  Happy thanksgiving to those who celebrate it and continued success in your journey!

I relapsed after 50 days of No PMO in hard mode.  The evening prior to my relapse I was walking to a diner at around 2AM minding my business and not bothering anyone and I got punched in the back of the head by some thug.  I immediately got up off the ground and screamed a bunch of obscenities at the gutless coward for hitting me in the back of the head instead of being a man about it and square me in the front of the face.  Anyways a passerby stopped by to restrain me and I could also see that if I were to attack I would probably be outnumbered as he had people with him and my friend who unbeknownst to me was also jumped earlier and was still on the ground.  With the exception of a bruise to the back of my head and face as it hit the concrete when I landed I did not sustain any serious injuries as a result.  I went home and filed a police report the very next day (I should have filed it that night) and went home and I was full of stress, anger and I was obviously shaken up from the events that happened that evening that I started to watch porn and literally exploded in my pants without even touching myself.  I then proceeded to fap to some of porn I used to fap to back in the day along with other internal fantasies.  During that week I would go a day or 2 without looking at porn and fapping only to succumb to my addiction.  I would not call it a binge fest but I certainly did not deprive myself of porn and fapping during that week.   On the last day of my fap fest I decided to go to my favorite streaming site back in the day with the goal to watch as much porn as I wanted to instead of depriving myself.  The truth of the matter was that I really did not watch much porn or click on to the videos and then on April 30th at approximately 9:30pm I fapped to my last pornographic video and began my next stretch of NO PMO.

What changed after my Relapse

1.  My Counter below!  Instead of it saying 67 days it now says 10 days.   From an egotistical standpoint I would have more and more pride as I would see my number grow from 10 to 20 to eventually 50 days.

2.  I still have strong morning wood and at times it feels stronger than ever which I think is a good sign as I continue my recovery process.

3. My dreams are vivid but what is disturbing about some of them is that they sometimes involve me watching porn instead of being an active participant in the act of them.

4. I did not lose any gains that I made from the gym or put on some extra pounds after that one week relapse into PMO.  Once I got back to the gym I continued to train hard and diet much better.  During my first 50 day campaign of NO PMO  I lost 12 pounds of weight  and 25 pounds since October of 2015.  I would like to lose another 20 pounds and be 5 pounds under 200 pounds for the first time this millennium and becoming the healthiest I have become I have ever become in years.

5.  I still miss the porn but not as much especially since not much has changed since I was away from it and I know that it is not as if it is going anywhere any time soon.

6.  I have more and more confidence that I am going to beat this porn addiction once and for all.  Like I said earlier, I went 50 days of No PMO and felt that my quality if life was much better as opposed to being on porn.  My discipline, overall confidence and demeanor soared when I was not watching porn or fapping off and wasting my seed to a pixel and screen instead of vibrant female.  To sum it up I felt like a "boss" when I was off of porn.

Like I said earlier I am getting fairly intense erections when I wake up and there are times during the day in which I can form an erection with a person that I was with previously.  I am beginning to pinpoint my erectile dysfunction to social anxiety.  I just finished reading Michael J Howard's Erectile Dysfunction How to Get Rock Hard-Solid Erections.  It was an quick and easy read and I got a few things out of it. I just received in the mail the other day Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler and Sexual Healing The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems by Barbara Keesling PHD.  I plan to complete those readings by the time I post in my next 20 days.

Hope all is well with you guys and girls and best of luck in your efforts to fight porn addiction

Ages 40 and up / Re: Day 50 no PMO
« on: April 24, 2016, 08:33:25 AM »
Thanks FYG

Every day is still a struggle for me just trying to make it one day at a time for the moment and trying to avoid the triggers for now

Ages 40 and up / Day 50 no PMO
« on: April 23, 2016, 06:58:10 PM »
 Holy smokes! I really hit the 50th day of no PMO!  Not only that I did not lose my mind and go crazy, my penis did not fall off and it still works for the most part!  I am truely excited and this is coming from a guy who used pornography and masturbation as a crutch for the past 29 years.  There were times in which I could not go to bed without masturbating or I pounded my meat so badly on  few occasions that I caused  small abrasion to my penis.  This is by far the longest I have gone without PMO. For those of you who followed my story this streak started when I lost my erection after trying to put on the dreaded condom a few times.  That was my breaking point and since then I really have not looked back.

While these past 50 days have not been easy and I did experience the withdrawal effects like just about everyone on the board has experienced in regards towards irritability, headaches, some shakes and of course the dreaded flatline which I think I have gotten out of for the moment.  On the other hand, I  also developed a tremendous amount of discipline that I did not think I had earlier, I am getting into the best shape of my life by literally throwing myself into the gym and really training hard and dieting too.  That was  shock because i thought I would replace one addiction with the other by eating alot of bad food.  That really has not happened. 

Another thing I have noticed is that women are suddenly becoming more approachable. What just happened?  Did I for years have it written on my forehead that I am a porn addict or 'beware of this pervert'  what gives.  Perhaps because I am calmer and not pressing as much and I am a heck of alot calmer now.  Case in point, A beautiful younger woman texted me out of the blue and invited me to a Yankee game.  During the course of the game I noticed that she was flirting with me and it even led to a conversation in regards towards get this!  Oral Sex!  Whoa!! what just happened?  You can bet I will definitely be seeing this person again.

Prior towards this no PMO program I was probably a wall flower who would try to get out of my shell on occasion is suddenly cracking jokes and becoming an active participant in the game of life.  It was all so evident yesterday as I was rocking off to and dancing my ass off to and grinding with a few women on the dance floor until 2AM!  If this is in fact the trade off of giving up porn and masturbation for this I will then gladly make that trade and never look back. 

I am still in the struggle and I still face triggers every single day but with each battle that is waged with and won against these triggers means it is one step closer to becoming the strong, confident self-assured man that I want to become.

Peace out! to all my brothers and sisters that are fighting this ugly addiction!

Porn Addiction / Re: Severe withdrawal symptoms, anyone else?
« on: April 16, 2016, 07:46:33 AM »
I do not want to single anyone out who says they are not strong enough or physically fit to work out, I think that is a pathetic excuse and I will tell you why.  Fitness is for people of all sizes, shapes and physical makeups! You don't have to be a monster when in order to set foot into a gym.  You think those 'monsters' were walking in hoisting mad weight started out that way?  The answer is a hell no they most likely started out with the bar and built themselves up.  You think people who just completed a 26 mile marathon were just born runners?  The answer again is an affirmative hell no!  Those guys most likely took baby steps and went from walking one block around the house to running 4 laps around the track and built their endurance up to the point where they can do those incredible things. 

I do not want to turn this into a fitness reply because that is not what this board is about but going to the gym and working out is probably one of the biggest reasons as to why a guy like me who at times could not fall asleep without masturbating who at one point could not go a day without looking at porn, who beat his meat so badly that I actually had burns on the penis at one point to becoming clean of Porn Masturbation and orgasm in a hard mode for 40 plus days.  Whatever excess energy I had in regards towards using porn and masturbating is now being expended at the gym.  If I did not have that outlet, I have no idea as to how I would deal with my porn addiction and the recovery process that goes with it.   

So for those of you who want to work out but are fearful that you are not strong enough or don't have the stamina to perform I suggest you start out by walking around the block then build it up to 2 blocks and build it up from there.  Or for those of you who want to go to a gym  but are afraid of what the other people are going to say well I say throw your head phones on and do some work and lose yourself at the gym trying to physically and mentally improve yourself.

Porn Addiction / Re: Day 40 No PMO
« on: April 15, 2016, 08:33:17 PM »
Hey Numez!

I sure hope so!  I had a good day today went to the gym then went out had a few beers and now I am home and the old me would be tempted to go to my favorite free porn site and look at new porn videos or classics but that is not going to happen tonite or ever I hope!  Urges are still there but I am no longer giving a shit about how I feel at this moment in regards towards my urges/needs.  At least I have an action filled weekend which includes dinners, bar b ques baseball games and 2 gym workouts.  Plenty of distractions to keep me from thinking of porn.  Have a great weekend Numez and my other people that are in the struggle to fight porn addiction!

Porn Addiction / Re: Relapsed & Moving Forward (:-)
« on: April 14, 2016, 03:34:52 PM »
Hopefully you will come back bigger and stronger.  I have said this before that the road to success is rarely a straight line.  It usually involves a few detours and curves along the way.  Stay strong!

Porn Addiction / Day 40 No PMO
« on: April 14, 2016, 12:42:11 PM »
I walked into my local CVS to spend all of my expiring CVS cash bucks on among other things Zinc and Gingko Biloba supplements as well otherthings like beef jerky that can potentially raise my testosterone levels.   As I was continued my shopping I was stopped dead in my tracks when i saw at the cover of the most recent Time Magazine cover regarding Porn and why young men who grew up on internet porn are becoming advocates and turning it off.  I was aware of the fact that the issue was coming out but to finally see it in my drug store staring right at me was a rather invigorating feeling and that this addiction that I am going through is now mainstream and I no longer feel as if I am part of a cult (not that there is anything wrong with that).  I immediately grabbed my issue and look forward towards reading the issue and keeping it stashed away in my files and free to lend out to people in the future who are going through something similar towards what myself and you guys are going through.  Like many of you guys on the board, when I announced to some of my close friends of my addiction to porn and that I wish to abstain from pornography for the rest of my life I must say that I did not receive a heck of alot of support from them and I felt that they did not understand what I was going through.  So as a result, I am keeping my battles very private for the moment.

Well I hit the day 40 mark yesterday of no PMO and while I still step in dog shit like anyone else stub my toe on the door and go through normal issues in life I must say that I feel much calmer about things at the moment.  Urges are still there but not to a point where I feel as if I am about to relapse.   I am always going to be an porn addict probably until the day I die but managing those urges are getting better than when I did during my first 30 days of no PMO hard mode where I would find myself getting up and walking around in circles to fight the urges or sprinting past my computer and into my bedroom in an effort to stop myself from looking at porn and fapping off.  Exercise and fitness continues to be a godsend for me in that I have an outlet for whatever time and energy that I devoted previously to fapping away to porn.

I hope all is well with you and wish my brothers and sisters (I am sure there are a few here) who are in the struggle the best of luck in your rebooting process. 

thanks for posting

Porn Addiction / Re: Day 35 no PMO
« on: April 13, 2016, 11:25:01 AM »

"I count him braver he who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies for the hardest victory is over-self" Aristotle

What a great quote and you really think about it sometimes our greatest enemies sometimes lie within each of us.  You see it everyday with people losing control of themselves and how certain habits can impair and at times ruin their lives.

Like yourself, I am battling those urges everyday and trying to exert mind of matter.  What is keeping my head above water for the moment is that a better life awaits me.  This journey has not been easy by any stretch but I am seeing other qualities of my life improve and each morning I wake up clean and look at myself in the mirror I am starting to like and respect that person more and more so I am going to continue with my personal fight against porn addiction. 

You stay strong too brother and feel free to private message me too!

Porn Addiction / Re: What Motivates You to Abstain?
« on: April 11, 2016, 08:19:31 PM »
The short-term motivation was the dreaded porn induced erectile dysfunction.  Now that I am 38 days into my recovery  I see that I am more disciplined and more focused on things and the primary motivation for me right now is my quest to become the man that I want to become and never to go back to the dark side of porn ever!

Porn Addiction / Re: Day 35 no PMO
« on: April 11, 2016, 07:08:38 AM »
Hi JG congrats on approaching double digits in your recovery process.  I am looking towards hitting my 40 day mark and then 50 then 60 etc...  The only person that is going to get in the way from accomplishing the goal is myself.   The triggers are and will always be there but I am still fighting them off and gaining more and more confidence with each successive battle. Stay strong!

Don't binge on the porn and ruin the 2.5 months of progress you have made.  regroup rebuild and come back stronger than ever!  You got this!

Porn Addiction / Re: Day 33 No PMO
« on: April 08, 2016, 12:58:21 PM »
Hey Gummianka,

my recovery is far from pretty at this moment and I have been doing wacky things like walking out of my apartment when a sudden urge came on to running past my computer into my bedroom to avoid the temptation but I have been able to resist for the moment and like many of us here I am still fighting and still battling porn addiction.  But what is really motivating me is the idea that a better life awaits me as I am sure it does you when we are able to beat this awful addiction.  Keep your head up you can do it!

Porn Addiction / Re: Porn fantasy and masturbation
« on: April 08, 2016, 11:26:04 AM »
The only time I touch mine is to take a piss and to wash it in the shower!

Porn Addiction / Day 35 no PMO
« on: April 08, 2016, 10:13:11 AM »
God Grant me the serenity
to accept the things that I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer that is hung in my Aunt and Uncle's home and something that I have been reciting to myself on occasion these past few days as I spend a great deal of time during my recovery on reflection in regards towards how much life I missed out on.  Don't get me wrong I have lived a fairly good life in that I still experienced alot, traveled and had a decent journey but I guess there is something in all of us that wants just a little more out of life and I guess that will never change for some of us. 

I am the one that dug myself into this hole and I am the one that will hopefully dig myself out of this hole.  Hopefully the damage that I did to myself is not permanent (or at least I do not think it is) and through a strict reboot I can hopefully re calibrate all that is wrong in my internal process. 

 As you can see by the headline I am approaching day 35 of my hard mode rebooting process.  Hard mode meaning no porn, no masturbation and no orgasm but do find myself looking hard at women or images of women but I usually catch myself and move on.  It has been a stressful week in terms of my job in which I had to go to the tums jar a few times but things worked out for me and I am happy that I did not need to use porn or masturbation as a crutch to get me through that rough period of the week.  In the past I would have escaped to the porno cyber jungle and look at porn as a means of calming down.  That did not happen and I think my brain is starting to begin to realize that pornography is no longer an option and to tell you the truth I have gotten to the point where I really have developed such a low priority in terms as to how I feel internally and could care less as to how miserable I am when I am turning down my urges to look at porn and masturbate. 

Exercise is still a constant in that I am hitting the gym just about every day and I am still doing an hour of cardio a day at a rate where I am now burning 1,000 calories for the hour that I am on the stairmaster and hitting the weights as well but nearly as much as I am hitting the cardio.  Perhaps because it is an outlet to release some of my energy.  My diet is improving but it could be better.   As for my overall mood I would say it borders upon normal to kind of moody but I am rather chipper in public for the most part.  I read about how some people here have seen an elevation in happiness in their moods and maybe I will in next few days but it has not hit me yet.  The only positive thing I feel at this juncture is a sense of accomplishment and the feeling that with each successive day is one step closer to being the man that I want to become.   

Thank you guys for reading and good luck with regards towards your respective journeys to beat porn addiction


Porn Addiction / Re: Day 33 No PMO
« on: April 07, 2016, 08:17:01 PM »
Hi Numez and thank you for your support!  My resolve is to never watch porn again for as long as I live.  Saying goodbye to it is in fact tough.  I liken it to saying so long to a long time drinking friend.   We had our times and now it is time to say good bye to porn and live my life porn free forever because I never want to revisit that dark side of my life again.   While myself and others and possibly you included are experiencing some of the vicious parts of withdrawals and it is not easy.  But with every defeat of a craving I find myself getting stronger and stronger and I am able to fend them off with greater ease.  What makes it easier is that I am experiencing greater ease in other facets of my life.

 One day I hope to watch a racy tv show and lose control of myself it is just that I am not there yet or I really do not want to put myself in that position just yet.  Thanks again for your support!

Porn Addiction / Re: My 30 day report no PMO age 42
« on: April 07, 2016, 09:41:53 AM »
thank you gummianka.  I am sure that we can all relate to one another as we fight these struggles on a daily basis

Porn Addiction / Re: My 30 day report no PMO age 42
« on: April 06, 2016, 01:08:21 PM »
your welcome and good luck with your battles with porn addiction as well

Porn Addiction / Re: Day 30 - Ruined it all.
« on: April 06, 2016, 10:12:09 AM »
The path to success is rarely a straight and narrow journey.  It usually involves a few curves along the way.  Don't be so hard on yourself you are not the first and you are certainly not the last person to relapse.

Porn Addiction / Day 33 No PMO
« on: April 06, 2016, 08:41:50 AM »
I am closing in on day 33 of No PMO and and my quest to conquer my addiction to pornography.  On days 31 and into day 32 I had vicious flashbacks to some of the porn I used to fap to.   The 2 or 3 battles that I had during that time I would find myself trying to think about something else, circle around the room and try to regain my composure.  On Monday for example,  the flashbacks were so intense that it got to a point in which I could not wait to go to the gym and work out.  From what I recalled, I had an intense and spirited workout where I just lost myself for about an hour  and then proceeded to watch the greatest Final Four championship I ever saw.  Mad props to all you Villanova supporters.  Job well done.

Each time in which I do not give in is a victory each time in which I lay my head down to sleep after a successful day of not looking at porn or masturbating is a victory.  I am not sure if this is the way I should be going but it is almost as if I look forward towards the day being over and falling asleep at night.  Falling asleep has come very easy to me and my dreams are increasingly vivid and I do enjoy waking up to the feeling of morning wood.  The old me would start fapping away the moment I felt the boner but now I just lie there and enjoy the feeling that my penis is slowly coming back to life. 

 Conversations with opposite sex is getting easier.   Last night I found myself wrapped up in a conversation with a fairly attractive female where I was cracking jokes making her laugh and just being myself.  We talked about alot of stuff mostly trivial one of note to the board the new Orange is the New Black series which debuts in June.  As many of you know, it is a series based upon life in a womens prison.  During the course of the show there can be some nudity and sexual scenes. While it is my goal in life to avoid pornography at all costs, I am going to have to get to a point in which I can sit through a series that has soft core nudity and not go crazy.  It is just that I am not ready for to test myself just yet.  I am doing whatever I can to avoid any and all triggers at this time for fear of the dreaded relapse. 

All the best who are in the struggle with me and best of luck on your continued quests to beating porn addiction

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