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Messages - Poppy

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Women / Re: How do I re learn sex?
« on: February 28, 2016, 11:53:03 AM »
Thank you arahant. You are right on all points. I'm taking time to focus on myself and would really love to find a qualified therapist to help me with this. I'm again at the point where my resolve is faltering, I'm so, for a lack of a better word horny. Sex with my SO is off the table so there's only masturbation left. But I know that even if I don't watch porn my mind will go to it right away anyways. It's this frustrating catch 22. But this community helps, feeling accountable to someone beyond just me helps. I'm officially 64 days masturbation free and 161 days porn free (although the last time I masturbated I went on a bender and I fantasized about porn so I'm not sure if that resets the clock). I'm just so worried it's never going to be ok, currently it's hard to see the end. I started meditating and I think that helps some. I just really don't want to slip back to my old behaviors but right now it's a little hard to see the end. Thank you for listening.

Women / Re: How do I re learn sex?
« on: February 20, 2016, 08:34:35 PM »
Arahant thank you so much for the kind words and support. It's a lot of ups and downs but every day feels like a step forward. I'd love to find a really qualified therapist that deals with the sexual issues in particular because I feel that I've outgrown my current therapy (I don't even think she's ever watched porn herself). Surprisingly there's not as many references online as I'd think there would be even though I'm in a major metropolitan area.
As far as the significant other goes, I hear you, it's just so hard. I've spent a long time hiding this and am worried that the truth will forever alter our relationship. I know if he were to end things with me because of the truth then we shouldn't be together anyways but I'm still so afraid of telling him. I tried to broach the subject of porn addiction with him, because I see certain characteristics of it in him too. But he's convinced he's fine. Maybe I'm projecting. But it's also hard because the type of sex we've been having recently is pushing boundaries. It's the more extrem stuff I once though I wanted but now I realized I don't. He's into it and when I mention just more simple intimate sex, he's not into it at all, as in we will not have any sex at all. So now I avoid it because I don't want the more extreme sex because I know it'll be just more of me spacing out and faking it which has become more difficult because of the work I've done. Ugh this is so complicated, I just want to be normal lol. But your words and support give me hope, thank you again. And sorry, I'm sort of venting.

Women / Re: How do I re learn sex?
« on: February 15, 2016, 10:18:55 AM »
Sm thank you so much! The videos were great. My significant other doesn't know about this issue and I've been terrified to tell him but at the same time knowing that I need his help in this. I loved when she said "vulnerability is the birth of change", I know it's true.
And your experience in your 20s gives me hope that things will work out. The first two weeks of the reboot were tough but then all my sexual drive completely went away so it wasn't as difficult to abstain. Now it's back times 100. Ugh I'm just taking it one day at a time. Thank you again for your feedback!! Best of luck with your reboot as well!!

Women / Re: That's my journey!
« on: February 12, 2016, 08:21:30 PM »
Sm reading your post was so helpful. I'm in the same boat, female in my 30s. And I had the same experience watching the "old men" porn, I was so scared that I was so messed up because that got me off. But then it was confusing because in real life I definitely didn't want to have sex with any nasty old guys but I wasn't getting anywhere in bed with my boyfriend who's my age and I find insanely attractive so I was like wtf? I think the old man thing is just because it's extreme. In fact I'm pretty sure that's the case from everything I read. So just have to have faith.
I'm on my second reboot too. It gets tough for me some days when I start thinking that I'll never be able to have a normal orgasm and if I'm not masturbating that means I'll never orgasm again, that's a scary thought! But then I remember that things DEFINITELY won't change if I don't try. When the urge gets really bad I tell myself, just have to make it the next 30 min, and when that passes I tell myself just the next 30...eventually it subsides. Or I force myself to go out in public.
Just know that you're doing amazing and that you've helped me by writing on here, so thank you!

Women / How do I re learn sex?
« on: February 12, 2016, 08:05:21 PM »
Hi there, I'm a female in my mid-30s and only just recently learned about porn addiction. My story:
I first was exposed to porn around 9-10yrs old. An older relative of mine started giving me porn magazines to read. I didn't really understand but the pictures and stories got me aroused and I learned that if I stimulated myself I'd orgasm. He then step it up to showing me porn, which then evolved into him abusing me. It continued until I was 13, at which time I moved away. I never told anyone about the abuse until recently when I sought therapy for it. There was a lot of confusion, shame and guilt from that time. I couldn't reconcile liking porn, getting aroused, and what was done to me. But the bottom line was, the only way I knew how to get off was porn. I sought it out anyway I could, this was during the early stages of Internet so it was news groups, magazines, I even stole a porn video from a boyfriend and watched it in secret! The only way I knew how to get off is to watch and masturbate. When I became sexually active with my boyfriend I felt dead from the neck down. Like nothing. I was with the same guy for 15yrs and just resolved myself to faking it in bed and then masturbating in private to get myself off, like I seriously thought that'll be the rest of my life. When that relationship ended I started seeing someone else, sex was a little different, I think because I was older now, with him I would actually get aroused, would get wet, but the moment we started having sex (no matter what kind, intercourse or oral) there was nothing, again switch flips off.

I spent most of my life believing it was because of the abuse. I was pretty disconnect from my body and assumed it was that. I get hit on a lot, but the truth is that I'm afraid of men and so I disassociated from my body because I didn't know how else to deal with it. But then I started therapy and was able to resolve a lot of that abuse trauma but not the physical part. Which is when I thought that maybe porn is the issue, something that was confirmed for me when I started reading other womans' accounts on here. I believe I have an addiction because:

-I can only get aroused or orgasm by "observing." So watching porn, reading porn, even when I fantasize while masturbating it's never me, it's always like watching porn in my head.

-My "tolerance" escalated pretty quickly, by the time I was 12, regular one on one male female porn bored me. I was already seeking girl on girl porn (for a while I though I might be a lesbian but I'm pretty sure that's not the case). Before I started the reboot the type of porn I was watching was pretty out there, not going to call out any specifics as to not trigger anyone but it was very extreme. I honestly was terrified that I'm a horribly twisted and perverted person which was so tough because in reality I'm kind and caring and easy going.

-I'd masturbate as a distraction or stress relief, I remember one time in college where I did it 15 times in one day because I was procrastinating studying, even when I was raw and didn't want to do it anymore I still kept going.

So here we are, and if you're still with me, thank you . I've been porn/masturbation free for almost three months. I attempted a reboot before but relapsed around three month mark. I'm trying to avoid that happening again and hope that having this community will help. I find that the toughest time for me is around when I ovulate, I think it's the hormone spike, I feel like I'm crawling in my skin. Also at this point I'm also having what I guess I would call "wet dreams." Which is kind of upsetting because the images of the dreams are extreme, at least it's me having sex but the type of sex is extreme, and it feels like cheating but I'm not sure how to not have that happen.

At the end of the day I'm here because I'm so terrified, I have never had an orgasm with another person, and I'm so scared that I'll never will. Having done therapy and no longer being numb I realize just how badly I want to be able to share that with another person. I know that sex is a huge component of a healthy relationship and if I can't fix this how can I be in a fulfilling relationship? Ever?

If there's any ladies on here that might have similar experience, is there anything that has worked for you? And gentlemen as well, I guess, I'm not sure if the gender difference matters. I just want to know if there's any hope of this getting better? Will I ever be ok? How do I unlearn 25 years of this?

Thank you

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