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Messages - BetterLife

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: May 05, 2016, 07:55:54 AM »
I haven't tried cold showers....seems like punishment?

Day 5:

I have been feeling sick. Not sure if its from my decision to pursue a vegetarian diet....energy is really low and feel nauseous. I was hoping to get back to gym this week but it didn't happen. Its also been quite stressful marriage wise, but things are ok now.

Like I've said before stress is my biggest challenge. Dopa-mine has been my savior when times are tough. During my 43 day streak I did feel depressed and tired, but somehow also powerful. Things also weren't so bad relationship/family wise. Maybe I felt cleaner and more in tune with the universe.

It's only Day 5....seems so slow. The time went by much faster when I was on holiday and travelling.

My meditation is going well, and I found that is helping me.

To be honest the pleasure derived from PMO is very short and there is no longer a feeling of well-being. Its more like a release than anything else. I need to find another way to release when I am feeling stressed. Or I can just wait it out...

This is a battle I have with my mind.

2
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: May 03, 2016, 02:30:28 AM »
Thanks guys for your words of support. It's really great to be on here with people who understand the pain.

You are correct virtueorvice - my mind is my greatest enemy. I need to be stronger and kill those triggers.

I have started again on 1 May 2016. So I am back on Day 3. I am going to try harder now. I already find myself in a stressful situation but I am going to stay committed.

I am meditating more often now and hopefully that will give me strength.

I see this as trying to climb a mountain - it has to be slow and steady. If I get tired or challenged I must stop and catch my breath. I must try not to fall down the slippery slope.


3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: April 26, 2016, 08:56:11 AM »
So I relapsed after a 43 day streak :(

To be honest I felt in control of my life. I felt like I had risen above this. Maybe I relaxed, and that's why I relapsed. Stress is still a big trigger for me. Work hasn't been too good....could be some downsizing happening!

So ever since the end of March I have been in limbo. My longest streaks have been less than a week. I know that I have it in me to go longer....to survive the depression and cravings. I want to try again to reach that point of purity. Where I feel clean, confident and in tune with the world. I want to be at that point again.

I am currently on Day 3...right at the beginning. Will try to post more often on my progress to help get through the tough days, which I have no doubt will be plentiful.

Wish me luck!

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: March 15, 2016, 08:02:49 AM »
Day 37:

So I was out of the country on holiday for about a month. I haven't MO'd for about 37 days now. There were times when I was depressed but I pushed through.

My health hasn't been too great either, but I am committed to this.

Will check in now and then and update here...

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: February 04, 2016, 04:01:56 AM »
So I relapsed last night. Work has been really stressful and this could possibly be a reason.

I noticed something, however, while I was looking at P. I noticed that its effect on me is reduced somewhat. Almost like I am becoming desensitized to it? I could spend hours looking and and chasing the next best video. But now it feels a bit different...just needed 10mins and I felt almost not excited by what I was seeing. Maybe this is my brain slowly rewiring? It would be interesting to hear from those who have been successful if their reaction to visual stimulation has changed.

My biggest challenge is still fantasy.

My biggest trigger is stress and sometimes loneliness.

Time to start over...

6
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: February 04, 2016, 03:55:53 AM »
All the best to you betterlife !! being 36 myself I understand this addiction and im still struggling with it.

I know theirs greener and cleaner pastures on the other side but im just not there yet ...

I can relate to your day at the gym you must of been very focused on your goals and I know what its like to have had days like that where your mind just shrugs off any temptation almost instantly.

im prepared to go out in the world today and do exactly that  ;)

hope your holiday is a good 1.

Thank you treetop! I just wish those days where my determination is strong could last longer. I wish you strength in your journey - you can do it! We are all in this together:)

Thanks for the good wishes...I am looking forward to the holiday!

7
Porn Addiction / Weapons of Dopamine Addiction Destruction
« on: February 03, 2016, 09:36:52 AM »
Hey Everyone,

Just thought we can post here - what helps you to cope?

Any specific online videos, books, types of music, techniques?

This forum is great and helps me cope.

 :)

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Counting days to my freedom
« on: February 03, 2016, 07:06:31 AM »
Hi igetum,

All the best to you on your journey...stay strong!

I just wanted to check - what type of hypnosis and affirmations have you used? I would also like to try that out....is it available online?

Take Care

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: February 03, 2016, 04:39:22 AM »
Day 6:

Still hanging in there. I do have fantasies sometimes but trying to suppress them. I feel like my first streak was much easier....I powered through the first week with enthusiasm, slowed down in the second week and crashed in the third  :o

I am off for a month long vacation next week. Going to be spending time in an ashram so no visual stimulation whatsoever. In fact they don't allow electronic devices. I think this will be good for me and may make extending my streak a bit easier. I will also be able to engage in meditation in a quiet environment. Was trying to meditate this morning and the neighbor decides to drill!!

I just need to survive till next week. Taking it one day at the time but I must admit I am very tempted sometimes. I can feel my brain misbehaving sometimes. It's amazing how much resilience it has and how much energy it uses to revolt against me. It would be good if I can harness this energy for a good purpose.

Sometimes I feel drained from battling with my mind. At the end of the day I am exhausted and end up going to bed early. I don't want to relapse and feel the anxiety I did the last time. Its a waiting game for now...

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: February 03, 2016, 04:29:11 AM »
I hey betterlife,

thanks for posting on my forum, when I was feeling down.

I wish you all the best for your mind-cleanse, cultivating some positive karma and of course your marriage.

Have you thought of getting a counter for your signature? I think the first thread at the top of the page by Gabe Deem explaines how to do that. I find it very useful to keep track of my progress and to motivate myself.

May the force be with you! =)

FreeSoul

Hi FreeSoul,

Thanks for the words of encouragement! It seems that the counter/signature thing is blocked on my work laptop...not sure why. I can't see anyone else's counters too :(
Maybe I will try on my home PC, but I mainly login during the day while at work.

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: My Journal
« on: February 01, 2016, 09:08:08 AM »
Stay strong, you can do this! You will win this battle!

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: I do not use Pornography
« on: February 01, 2016, 02:46:30 AM »
Hi Atn4545,

Have been reading through your posts and want you to know you are not alone.

I too found myself in relationships with women who were emotionally unavailable. In my case I was driven by my porn fantasies that maybe led me to look as women in a different way. To be honest I was also emotionally unavailable. I only learnt this from my now wife (God bless her), she taught me about emotional intimacy and that there is more to a relationship than the physical aspect.

I find that PMO not only desensitizes me physically but also emotionally. I become less empathetic and compassionate for those around me and more anxious and stressed out about myself. I become a ball of an emotional chaos, cutting myself off from others. This is not good.

I liken this journey to climbing a mountain, the only thing is we cannot see the summit. This is why it requires faith. I like to sometimes read the success stories or look at successful people (who I am sure cannot have this addiction) and use them as role models to give me hope.

Stay strong!

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: February 01, 2016, 02:19:04 AM »
Day 4:

I am on Day 4 (second reboot attempt).

This time has not been easy. I have been fantasizing, oogling, almost edging to fantasy. I have made it through the weekend though.

I went to art classes, meditated, read, gymed, spent time with family. All of these things helped me survive the weekend. There were times were I felt like its early days so I might as well relapse now than later. Ahhhh the mind of a dopa-mine addict  ;)

This is tough - really tough. I feel irritable, detached, selfish, ....an emotional roller coaster.

I read online that sperm that is not ejaculated is broken down by the body and re-absorbed by the blood, but is actually extremely good for you. This is because only the best blood makes it to sperm production and when it is re-absorbed it has very good properties for good health and healing.

This will work for me...

I pray that all of you going through a tough time are able to hold on. Fighting this disease hour by hour. Even though you battle yourself remember not to hate yourself. We are all in the same boat here.

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: February 01, 2016, 02:06:41 AM »
Betterlife,

I am sorry about your relapse. I know the feeling and I know it is difficult, but from the success stories I have read, you have not lost your time with no PMO, but strengthened your brain to get by without P. WHile no relapse helps speed the progress, the time without it is still important. I read through all of your posts and feel your pain. I would say as a single person that focusing on strenghening your relationship with your wife. Having just gone through a difficult breakup and rejection, I wish I had someone to focus on. Finding things to focus on outside of P and fantasy seems to be the "crutch" to replace our crutch. I will pray for you and wish you the best! Last, try to put a timer on your posts, It is small, but seeing my progress on my posts helps me in a small way. Take care man.

Thank you Atn4545 for your kind words and prayer. I am not sure how to use the timer. For some reason my work internet blocks this plugin  :-\
Yes my wife and I are going for a month long vacation and I am hoping this will strengthen our relationship. I am sorry about your breakup and the subsequent rejection. I have also been there. Stay strong and know that the universe supports you. I will also pray for you. Take care.

15
I am in the same boat as you currently. Feel caught in a web with no solid ground to make progress. I am going to take in one day at a time.

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: January 29, 2016, 01:01:40 AM »
I PMOd again last night. Relapse is a slippery slope and it seems like the night is my enemy.

I am feeling crappy today....woke up feeling a bit feverish.

My mind is also messed up and I feel insecure. When I am on my streak my mood is low and I have slight depression. When I relapse I feel anxious and muddled.
I don't feel good about myself either. My confidence and self esteem are low. Also feel like I am not in control.

I really need to get through tonight without PMO no matter what.

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: This is costing me too much and needs to stop.
« on: January 28, 2016, 02:48:17 AM »
Hey brother,

Its difficult but here is some encouragement for you:

“Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

Keep moving forward...eventually we will all get there if we keep moving in the right direction.

18
Porn Addiction / Re: Anxiety and Porn
« on: January 28, 2016, 02:02:11 AM »
I feel anxious very soon after PMO. I expect that something bad is going to happen to me for what I have just done.

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: January 28, 2016, 01:30:14 AM »
Post Mortem:

I relapsed last night.

It was a stressful day. Was alone watching tv...a program about the large hadron collider in Cern....not exactly a trigger! But I think it was the days events that put me at an emotional low and made me vulnerable.

Well my mind started wandering...then wondering if the Netflix series Narcos has gratuitous sex in which case I would avoid it. I checked the parental guide on IMDB and the descriptions about the sex scenes started the downward spiral. I then started googling etc...will spare you the details. Eventually PMOd 5 seconds into a porn clip. I was very aware of what I was doing. I could feel the 16 days of no PMO slipping away. I was aware of how my brain was convincing me that since I peeked I might as well go all the way. I did it anyway.

I am not proud but I also forgive myself. This is not an easy journey and when BestVersionOf Myself said that it takes willpower - he was not kidding.

In hindsight, I could have nipped this in the bud. The signs were there....the fantasies the day before, the stress trigger showing up. But it is easier said than done.

I didn't binge last night. I just went straight to bed.

I am going to start again today. Set new milestones and with the help of this forum get back on track.

Looking back over the past 16 days I can take these positives:
I felt better about myself.
I wasn't anxious.
I liked the person I was becoming.
I felt cleaner in body and mind.
I felt healthy.
I felt stable.
I dealt with difficult situations in a good manner.
I felt a spiritual awakening inside me.
I felt more confident.
My emotions were low at times but stable.
My health was better.
I felt the universe supporting me.

My PMO experience only helped me to dull my senses in the moment. It did not offer me lasting solutions to the stress or loneliness I experienced. I realized that this problem is bigger than just porn. Its about my emotional well being. I think if I find a way to take care of this then maybe I won't need the dopa-mine to help me out. I will have to look into this aspect of my life as I start my journey again.

Strive on.

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: January 27, 2016, 08:13:53 AM »
Day 16:

Just checking in. I almost MO'd this morning but was able to stop myself. It feels like much longer than 16 days that I have experienced that sort of release. I want to not MO for as long as possible to prevent any possibility of a relapse.

Last night got into a bit of an argument with the mrs so I was stressed out. Was able to resolve it (resolutions happen quicker now because I get less angry over things), but still experienced anxiety and stress. This morning I was tempted to have my usual 'medicine' in the form of MO but decided against it.

I still find myself fantasizing. Was in a meeting today and was fantasizing about a work colleague who to be honest I don't even find attractive. Its funny how this dopa-mine addiction works....anything to trick you into getting a hit.

I haven't been longing for porn thus far. Much of my challenge comes from seeing real women out in public and off course fantasies. Maybe this was my original trigger all along. This is bad since indirectly I am not being true to my wife by entertaining these thoughts/fantasies.


21
Women / Re: That's my journey!
« on: January 27, 2016, 01:43:29 AM »
Keep going! Every relapse is an opportunity to come back even stronger!  :)

22
Teens / Re: 18 - It's time to start
« on: January 25, 2016, 06:41:56 AM »
Hi, relapse is not failure, keep striving.

I am reading a book called Buddhism and the Path to Nirvana. Its quite good - helps me to stay grounded in tough times. At times its a bit heavy tho, but enjoying it nonetheless. I am not going to find anything in that book that will lead me to PMO for sure lol.

I do try to meditate but most of the time I am unsuccessful. I have made it a habit tho...try for 10 mins every morning just to focus on my eye center and blank out my mind.

I feel just the act of trying to meditate means that the universe hears my call for a peaceful mind and hopefully responds to me.

Stay strong.

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: Never give up
« on: January 25, 2016, 06:36:04 AM »
Good to see that you are back on track. You made a mistake...learn't something about yourself, dusted yourself off and moving forward.

One day of relapse is small in comparison to 14 days of reboot so keep going.

Let us keep striving in the direction of freedom, and one day heaven shall be ours!

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: January 25, 2016, 06:28:35 AM »
Thanks guys for your words of encouragement!

Day 14:

So I am 2 weeks into my reboot. It hasn't gotten easier for me. There were many instances were I would have caved in (in the past). This time around I am more conscious of my decision and am trying hard to stay committed. Between TV programs, scantily clad women, fantasies, stressful situations ...last week has been tough. I am relying heavily on spirituality and meditation to get me through this. I logged onto this website on my phone when I needed some inspiration to get me through.

I actually had a dream that I had relapsed. In my dream I was searching for some porn, but I remember feeling like a loser for giving in. When I awoke I was so glad that it was dream and that I didn't really relapse.

I find that when I am faced with images on TV or even temptations in real life - I decide not to 'save it for later'. I decide in that moment to let it go. It is difficult but I do it - because its the right thing to do. I have decades of programming in my head and that's why most days are a challenge. Its me against myself.

I am not going to lie - life is difficult at the moment. There are many reasons why I should give up and why I should just live for the moment. But there is also something inside me that yearns to be free and yearns to be unleashed. It has been talking to me for most of my life but I have not been listening to it. I always took the easy way out.

I am halfway to my first milestone...I want to get there, I really do. I pray for strength and peace of mind to get me there.

Let's see what week 3 is going to throw at me... 8)

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: Free my soul
« on: January 21, 2016, 06:24:32 AM »
Day 10:

So it's Day 10...made it to double digits lol.

I am feeling very flat with slight depression. Things are a bit difficult at home. Late last year my mom had a disagreement with my sister (who she was living with at the time) and she had then moved in with myself and my wife. It was difficult for us since we were only married for a few months so its a new dynamic early on in our marriage.

Anyways my wife has not been handling this new living arrangement well at all and she takes it out on me. PMO has been my medicine in recent times due to this. The issue has popped up again with my wife attacking me. I found myself less defensive and a bit more empathetic than before. I suggested that we approach a therapist to advise us on how to deal with this new dynamic. It seemed to have diffused the situation. I feel sorry for her ...she was crying last night and didnt want to talk to me.

I'm not sure if its this flatline but I felt apathetic at the time. I asked her if she was ok tho. I wish she could know what I am battling right now in addition to our home problems. I am too terrified to reveal this dark and disgusting aspect of me to her.

I am battling with it by myself and with the help of my fellow brothers here on the forum.

Life is stressful ...we also heard that there are going to be lay offs at work...I hope I dont lose my job.

I have turned to spirituality this year. I feel like I am at the midpoint in my life and I need to evaluate whats happened and where I want to go. All the things I have been doing thus far has not brought me lasting happiness. In fact in the last few years I have experienced alot of suffering in terms of health, relationships, family and work. It reached a climax at the end of 2015 where there were 3 deaths in the family.

I had enough...decided it was time to clear up my karma. Quit eating meat to stop the suffering of animals. And also decided to stop PMO which I believe also has a negative effect on my karma and quality of life.

I don't see any progress in my life yet. Maybe the universe and higher powers are waiting to see how serious I am about this before life gets better.

This is why I am here. And now you know where I want to go. I pray the same for all of you - A Better Life.


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