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Messages - harry

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Ages 40 and up / Re: My journal to freedom
« on: April 27, 2016, 12:45:26 AM »
Excellent choice. Well done, Robert 

Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: April 26, 2016, 12:25:52 AM »
Glad you're back, Bob

Ages 40 and up / Re: FINAL GOODBYE
« on: April 18, 2016, 10:52:45 PM »
Wishing you all the best, Lyon!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Old Hog, New Tricks?
« on: April 16, 2016, 05:54:50 PM »
The same thing has been happening to me periodically for the last few of months. I attribute it to the fact that I appear to be too old to have any more wet dreams (bitter). At my peak, I went 62 days without an orgasm, and I kept expecting to have a wet dream. But, alas, none was in the offing.

I did some research and found that the body will find a way to release the excess seminal fluid, and this often occurs through urination for those who no longer get to enjoy wet dreams. 

I'm not sure whether our bodies have become accustomed to producing more fluid as a result of our affliction.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Who knew...?
« on: April 16, 2016, 12:31:00 PM »
Last Thursday, I had my 4th appointment with my sexological bodyworker. Sexological bodywork is an alternative medical approach for treating issues like PIED, ED, and PE. The sexological bodyworker is a friend of mine who is accuring treatment hours in order to attain his certification from the State of California. I've tried Western medicine's remedy of pills, but they never worked well for me.

This work has been quite interesting. While I’ve made some great progress in my recovery - I’ve had 3 sexual encounters in the last month with 2 rewiring partners with adequate performances by my dick each time - I still have this nagging issue with performance anxiety, and the sexological work I’m doing is offering me a number of solutions. Remembering to breathe relatively deeply from the diaphragm, and remembering to get out of my head and into my body in order to feel the pleasure that is occurring are two of the biggies for me. The second I start worrying about my dick, is the moment at which I disengage from the entire experience. The preoccupation with having an erection leads directly to stupid fears ranging from my self worth to my manhood. How the hell do I expect to have an erection when I am not even present for the event? Some of this stuff is just so simple, it eludes me as I have a tendency to overcomplicate things.

In my recovery process (almost 7 years clean and sober), I’ve found it very helpful to practice these new, appropriate behaviors over and over again until they become a habit. Forming new habits can take some time (18 - 245 days per the excellent post by Leon on 4/10/2016), but once they become a habit, I no longer have to remember to do them; they become automatic. Repeating these behaviors strengthens my prefrontal cortex and helps cure hypofrontality.

At the suggestion of my bodyworker, tonight, I will be going to a workshop for men who seek deeper levels of conscious erotic intimacy. This is so far out of my comfort zone that I said no initially, but upon reflection, I decided WTF do I have to lose? Sink or swim. Besides, it’s only two hours; it’s not going to kill me. From my years in AA, I’ve learned that taking contrary action plays a keen role in early recovery. I’m rather nervous about this event tonight, but hell, I get to practice the things I’ve been learning, and I may even find a new rewiring partner. As a single man, it's tough finding new partners without using Psubs like Scruff.

Leon's post also included an interesting benefit to meditation - a bump in dopamine levels, and as a result, I’ve started meditating finally. I’ve tried it over the years, but have never really given it a chance. A friend of mine told me about an app called ‘Insight Timer’ which has guided meditations. Well, I’ve been doing it daily since Monday, and it has been quite a helpful way to start my day. I’ve listened to a number of 10 - 15 minute introduction meditations and recommend it highly. Oddly, my prior contempt for meditation seems to have disappeared.

On the cold shower front, I just past 75 days yesterday. Every damn morning, I cringe for the first 5 or 10 seconds as the cold water flows over me. Brrr. I wonder why I continue to do it, but I know it is a huge accomplishment for me. It puts me in this mindset - if I can do this, I can do anything.  At 75 days, it is nowhere near to becoming a habit, yet.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: April 14, 2016, 11:48:20 AM »
Best of luck, Bob!

Hey BlueSun,

Welcome to the forum. It's a great place for support and recovery.

That your porn use has escalated to viewing straight sex is not uncommon. I've read about the reverse happening to straight guys on this forum and on your brain on porn. It's the never ending need for novelty.

This forum has been exceedingly helpful with my recovery. In fact, the recovery process has become my new addiction for the time being.

Stay strong, and keep posting.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: April 12, 2016, 01:56:04 PM »
Hang in there, Bob. You're in my thoughts.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Whew!
« on: April 12, 2016, 01:31:14 PM »
Wow, Whew! 20 times in one day. You deserve an award. That is some number. I bet you were a little sore after that. If you can channel all that energy into recovery, you will do well, quite well.

Welcome to the forum - it's a great place for support and recovery.

Stay strong, and keep posting.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Old Hog, New Tricks?
« on: April 11, 2016, 12:30:59 AM »
Excellent news!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« on: April 10, 2016, 12:42:58 PM »
Don't worry, you're not breaking any rules. You're engaged in a big battle to beat this addiction, and you're doing an admirable job.

It's always tough in the early days as your mind plays tricks on you. The images and the fantasies will fade over time.

Like Leon mentioned, accept you are having these feelings and thoughts, and find a way to distract yourself so you avoid taking any action on pursuing them. It's not easy, but it will get better.

Cold showers are the best! I've been taking one daily for the last two months and cannot say enough good things about them. If you can handle taking a cold shower every day, you can do anything.

Stay strong, and post as often as you need. You're on the right path!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: April 10, 2016, 11:43:48 AM »
 I know that it wouldn't be only one time. I know that it wouldn't put it behind me; it wouldn't clear my head. It would feel great for a bit, but it would also reinforce the desired to repeat this self medicating behavior.

Way to go by writing this down over and over. I have to keep remembering this, too. It won't stop anytime soon if I give into the urge. It won't help, in fact, it will retard this whole damn process, and I'll feel shitty afterward which will only propel me to do it again and again.

I know what needs to be done. It just seems so hard. The finality of these actions is so concerning. I am addicted. Even though it was hard to write those words it is the truth. I am addicted and to stay sober means I need to be vigilant in this battle for the rest of my life. The rewards are great but forever has always seemed like a very long time.

It sure is hard. I've written these words a number of times in my posts, but still I struggle with this freaky concept. Hell, it's not a concept, it's a punishment, for Christ's sake. Just coming to this reality that I can never MO again is driving me mad. It's so frustrating that I've robbed myself of this pleasure. I feel your pain.


Ages 40 and up / Re: My impatient self and mental math...
« on: April 10, 2016, 11:18:22 AM »
Hey livenlearn,

Welcome to the forum. It's a great place for support and recovery.

I read that post you deleted, and it was fine - there were no triggers for me. In fact, you posed some questions I was going to answer, but when I went back later, I realized you must have deleted it.

I would post what you feel you need to post. Sometimes, it can be helpful to get this stuff out of one's head. I doubt there is much of anything that can shock this crowd, but if you are concerned, you can always put trigger alert before a particularly grueling sentence.

As Maxman71 said, writing down your goals is an excellent suggestions.

You are not worthless. In fact, you are very courageous for taking the first big steps in your recovery - recognizing the problem and seeking help. That is huge. Pat yourself on the back!

Stay strong, and keep posting. Anytime, I feel the urge to use, I come to this forum instead. Make your recovery your new addiction for the time being.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Who knew...?
« on: April 09, 2016, 12:08:29 PM »
Thanks for the comments, guys!

So, I had sex the last two weekends, and I’m rather disappointed that I’m not going to be with my rewiring partner this weekend. Could two weekends have spoiled me that quickly? Or, is it really that I feel oh so fkin entitled at this point in my recovery that I expect sex on demand? Or, is it the hunt, the expectation of sex, that really gets me going, and gets my goat when it isn’t available? Perhaps, it’s an amalgam of all of them. I’m irritated again. Got a case of the fuck its again. 

I was hell bent on MOing yesterday. I had to resort to some trickery by telling myself I would do it after my Friday night meeting. After the meeting, I told myself that we would MO for sure first thing on Saturday morning. I did play with myself for a few (awesome) moments this morning, but stopped well short of anything dangerous.

Deep breathing and a little meditation have helped me see clearly. I don’t really want to MO because once I start, I’ll do it 3 or 4 more times today, and who the hell knows how many times tomorrow. I will not suffer through the crummy post mass ejaculation hangover again where my hormones are out of whack for the next 4 or 5 days. I don’t want that anxiety.

At times like this, when I’m feeling and acting like a petulant child, I need to turn to gratitude - how lucky am I to have been able to have had successful sex these last two weekends? The future's looking bright because I am on the right track in my recovery. I’m doing the right thing, and I must stay true to my goal of no MO ever. I abused the privilege just like I did with drugs and alcohol. There is no going back to it. It is not an option. Did I really just type that? Yes, I did, and there was no gun pointed at my head. I’m an addict who is completely incapable of anything remotely resembling moderation. NO MO EVER. Eek - please send help now! This is truly living life on life’s terms. Reality blows sometimes.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Who knew...?
« on: April 04, 2016, 08:19:13 PM »
I just passed a nice milestone of 120 days without porn. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t miss it, and I hardly ever think about it. Now, if only the same were true for masturbation, I would be home free.

I’ve learned a whole lot in these last few months. Namely, my real addiction is MO, and this is going to take time and patience to resolve. When I first arrived, I thought it would take a month or two, and I’d be back to normal - whatever the hell that is. This has been anything but a linear process.

Who knew I’d still be counting days in April? Well, it is what it is. I do have hope today, and I have seen and experienced real recovery. I will keep plugging away...NO MO!

Another milestone - 2 months of cold showers! I have a love/hate relationship with my shower nowadays. I cringe at the initial plunge, but revel in the experience once I’m done. I will continue because I feel that if I can do this each morning, I can do anything. A big shout out to unchained for beating the drums about the benefits of cold showers, and another big shout out to now-man for picking up the mantle to push them with all his fervor.     

Ages 40 and up / Re: Self Acceptance
« on: April 03, 2016, 11:03:15 AM »
Hey Camus,

Congrats on the 4 weeks you acquired. It's admirable the way you bounce right back.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Who knew...?
« on: April 02, 2016, 03:07:26 PM »
I had another enjoyable time with my new rewiring partner. Some action last night and this morning, and I will be seeing him again in a couple of weeks. He and I face similar ED issues, and it is great to have a partner with whom I feel comfortable, somewhat confident, and safe. I have to remind myself that I am very fortunate to have this.

My equipment worked OK, but I am quickly realizing that this is going to take some time and patience. It took me years to get to this stupid fkin place in my life (this does sound harsh, judgmental, and bitter, doesn’t it?), and it is going to require some real recovery time to get through it. Hell, when I got sober, it took a couple of years before I even felt like continuing to live. I don’t expect this will take nearly that long. I must ground my expectations in reality, and let nature take its course.

Living life on life’s terms fits here aptly. I cannot change what I’ve done to myself, but I am not powerless, nor am I hopeless or helpless. I can change, and I can recover from this addiction. I will get through this by accepting it, and dealing with it.

Today, I have gratitude for the big accomplishments I’ve made in these last few months. With the help of this forum and my recovery team, I have much more insight into my addiction, and I have hope for a better future as long as I stay on my new path.

Ages 40 and up / Re: The journey
« on: April 02, 2016, 01:29:00 PM »
Great post today, FF! Glad you made it through without watching porn.

I really like your comments on struggling. When I allow the struggling to overwhelm me, I become a big victim - then, I feel sorry for myself, and we all know where that leads.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: April 01, 2016, 06:01:19 PM »
Hey Bob,

I couldn't agree more. Those damn wandering hands. Just stay away from it. Checking for MW is dangerous for me as I usually have to pry my hands off of it. Very tough.

MO is my biggest issue, and I find it really difficult when I'm in bed (I live alone). The weekends are the worst because I don't have to hop right out of bed to get ready for work.

Stay strong, and keep posting.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Life begins at 40
« on: April 01, 2016, 02:19:48 PM »
Lucky you! I didn't MO for 62 days, and I still didn't get to have one.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 52 years of addiction (My Journal)
« on: March 31, 2016, 11:22:28 PM »
Hey glascock,

Just read your first entries in your journal. That's quite a story.

Welcome to the forum; it's a great place for recovery and support.

Stay strong, and keep posting.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 321 Connect
« on: March 31, 2016, 06:51:10 PM »
Hang in there, Human!

Ages 40 and up / Re: The journey
« on: March 30, 2016, 11:03:19 PM »
Congrats on the big 60!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Old Hog, New Tricks?
« on: March 30, 2016, 11:01:01 PM »
Danger, danger. Slippery slope dead ahead! You may even be on it now...

Ages 40 and up / Re: Newbie here- First post of my journey
« on: March 30, 2016, 10:51:55 PM »
Congrats on the big accomplishment! 90 days is huge.

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