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Messages - now-man

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1
Hey BlueSun,

You're doing really well, and it sounds like it's going exactly the way it's supposed to. You said:

"Read on now-man's posts about the morality of this and non-traditional relationships.  My partner and I are in an open relationship.  He and I have not really had a physical spark between us sexually for quite a while.  I'm not sure how much of that is my porn-addiction, and how much of it is being with someone for 15 years and discovering that we're partners, husbands, best-friends, companions and that the physical parts were such a small part of our total relationship that we stopped worrying about it.  When we opened our relationship, I basically continued my affair with Sean C***'s boys.  I've had one other partner than my husband in our entire time together. 
When it boils down to it, I'm just not that outwardly physically sexual of a person.  And I wonder if its because i've been routing all that mojo to pixel-of-the-week, or if that's really what i'm like deep beneath this brutish exterior."


There is a fair amount of moralizing in some postings here. I feel for guys who have that whole element added to the process - it's not necessarily helpful for me, and it sure looks like it makes it harder for some guys than it might be otherwise. But I don't know anyone else's process. And I have a lot of respect for everyone's intentions. There are many ways to get the results we're all looking for, and whatever helps you is a good thing.

If you go through with hard mode for 90 days, you may be pleasantly surprised with what you find on the other side. It's really not all that surprising since you're already wondering if your lack of sexual spark is "because i've been routing all that mojo to pixel-of-the-week". That's what I was doing before my reboot. But for me, it has still come as a very pleasant surprise to discover that, yes, since I completely stopped routing the mojo that way, a whole new (old) internal sexual mojo has been resurfacing. It's more personal, organic, intimate - more of a connection with my own real sexuality, which naturally leads to a turned on connection with my partner (and with some hookups I've had as well).

It's great that you're noticing the degree to which you objectify men, and especially the auto-pilot setting it's on. I totally relate. I don't think it's something you have to worry about or figure out. I practiced with a "2 second rule" some other guys mentioned in here (when you see something 'hot' look away after 2 seconds - you don't have to pretend it's not there or beat yourself up for looking, in fact you get 2 whole seconds of appreciation. Just look away then.) For me it wasn't about changing my behavior forever, it was about giving myself a rest right now. It could be a helpful tool for awhile. These days I don't really think about it, and it's not an issue. And I see and appreciate attractive men.

You said:
"90 days may seem like a long time, but its a personal challenge. 
90 days hard mode isn't going to kill me. It isn't going to damage anything.  I wont suffer in any way that is life-threatening.
And it will heal me.  As it has healed so many others. 
I can do this.  And I will keep trying until i do."


I think you're right on. There are a lot of benefits available, things you're going to like way more than jerking to porn. I think it's much easier and faster to get there without MO. Find whatever you need to replace M with, whatever you need as a distraction when the urge hits - go for a walk or run or exercise, read Your Brain On Porn, post here, meditate, contact a sobriety buddy. Or my personal favorite - cold showers! But keep your hands out of your pants, play the waiting game, and reap the rewards.

Feel free to reach out or message. Wishing you well man. Keep going!

2
Hey BlueSun,

Great to have you here, and see your progress. Sounds like you're doing really well, you have a good grasp of what you're up to, and the intelligence to find your way.

You said earlier that this is a waiting game and that has been my experience. I think if you commit to hard mode it's easier in the end. The longer you wait, the more benefits you discover, and the more understanding you gain. Waiting becomes its own reward.

Keep going! Wishing you well.

3
Ages 40 and up / Re: Who knew...?
« on: April 05, 2016, 10:12:06 AM »
Wow Harry, 120 days - that's amazing! Look at you go  :)

My cold shower this morning was more than usually daunting: I had to get up at 3 am my time on less sleep than I prefer, and I was in Calgary where the water is COOOLD!!  :o

I almost wimped out. But I thought of you and cranked that faucet the other direction and plunged in. Yahooo! ;D

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: London gay guy calling...
« on: April 03, 2016, 01:03:18 PM »
Hey Luke,

Yeah, there are a lot of acronyms used here! PMO is Porn-Masturbation-Orgasm, the main activity everyone here is trying to abstain from - masturbating to orgasm while watching porn. You may also see people refer to just P, or just M, or just O as well. MO is masturbating to orgasm without porn.

Here's a link to a glossary here in Reboot Nation (and there are also slightly different glossaries elsewhere, in NoFap, YBOP, etc.):
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=21.0

If you haven't navigated around YourBrainOnPorn.com (referred to as YBOP) there's a link right at the top of the page here in Reboot Nation (sometimes referred to as RN) to get there. You'll find a tremendous amount of information at YBOP. It's kind of where this whole awareness got its start. And as I mentioned before, you may want to download from YBOP.com Gary Wilson's book "Your Brain On Porn." It is an easy read, and it's an education that really supports what you're looking for here.

I hear you about the challenge of being in a gay atmosphere that's saturated with hookups, and I think you've correctly identified that as a cause of the dysfunction you're experiencing. Try reading Gary's book and it may give you the insight you need to get through the rough part of going for awhile without a dopamine fix.

If you can get through the challenging early stages (withdrawals, flatline, etc) you start to see benefits in your life, and you become aware of other options. It's worth going for. Wishing you well man!

5
Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« on: April 03, 2016, 11:45:48 AM »
Hey Gabriel,

Your last couple of posts are very perceptive. It's great how you're realizing some of the patterns that in the past have lead you back to PMO, even while you're going through some rough days. If you have more rough days, walking through them like you are, with your eyes open, is exactly what reboot is all about.

If you can make it through times like this, you're headed towards a healthier more centered life. Wishing you well. Keep going!

6
Ages 40 and up / Re: Gay guy reboot
« on: April 02, 2016, 10:58:09 PM »
I had a long, three day weekend with my partner last week. We had a really great time together. I keep feeling closer to him, and really grateful for that.

He came to town to go with me to an awards ceremony - I was nominated for an award. He is so proud of me and enthusiastic about it, it's very endearing. He brought some of his nicest clothes, and asked me several times how much we should dress up for the event - not something we ever do. I shrugged and protested that I didn't really care - slacks and a nice shirt would be fine. In the end he took us shopping and got himself a sport jacket (I don't know if he's ever worn one before) and I got a beautiful suit. So we were decked out. We had a really fun time.

During the visit we also had fun in the bedroom. Once would have been enough, but we went at it two days in a row. Again, it just happened easily and naturally. I'm pretty happy with the continuing improvement in my equipment. I'm not having to think about it much, I'm more focused on just being turned on with him, and my member is responding in kind.

And then there's the chaser effect. Over the past four days since he left I have felt hor-nee. I don't want to MO, or look at P, I want to get laid! I went on a work trip and tried to find a hookup using my old favorite website. I didn't want to spend time cruising on the website, I didn't stay on it long. I wasn't looking for images, I just wanted to find a quick hookup. But it didn't pan out. Afterwards however, I could tell that just visiting that website created another level of hunger. I was no longer just naturally horny, I was aroused by the hunt. I wanted to go back and keep checking it. That was familiar, and a no-go zone.

So I'm just watching my case of the hornies recede slowly. I got home from my trip and have been pretty productive, doing multiple projects at my house, going for runs, taking cold showers. I talked about it with a sobriety buddy. I'm feeling more centered. But I have to say, that chaser effect really kicks in my hookup mindset. I have a couple hookup buddies I could contact here at home, and I considered it. But after seeing how the website visit started the dopamine hunt, I know it's not the right time.

I'll just use the experience as another reference point. I feel the sexual frustration, and I tell myself "okay, I just get to wait and save it up for next time with my partner." I feel very fortunate to have that option! I think it would be much more challenging if I didn't. The feeling of wanting to get laid has a pretty demanding, childish voice. "I want, I want, I want!" Knowing I can wait until I'm with my partner again gives me a chance to exercise patience. If I didn't have that option, I think the demanding voice might seem more insistent.

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: London gay guy calling...
« on: April 01, 2016, 03:18:47 PM »
Hi Luke,

Welcome, great to have you here! There are a number of gay guys on the site, at least in the "Over 40" thread. I'm not as familiar with the "30-39" thread...

I resonate with a lot of what you shared. I think you've accurately identified a pattern that is common in the gay world, and how it's affecting you. When I realized that my ED was PIED, like you I stopped immediately and haven't looked back. I've gotten a lot of really good results so far, and look forward to more to come. You can check out my journal at: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=7213.0

Also like you, I have found that the bigger challenge for me than PMO, or MO, is the hookup mentality. And I think you're correct that it is using the same neuro-pathways in the brain. I'll post more about this in my journal soon - I'm due for an update.

Hope it's going well for you. If you haven't downloaded and read Gary Wilson's book "Your Brain On Porn" it's an invaluable resource (and an easy read). I encourage you to keep posting in your journal, and also in others' journals. This is a great community of support, and I've found that is true both with gay and straight guys. Keep going!

8
Ages 40 and up / Re: A Slow Turning
« on: March 26, 2016, 10:17:13 AM »
Hey Aslowturning,

Welcome back and glad you're here.

You said "I have a beautiful wife whom I've been married to for over 25 years. With her I've found that I've become very critical of her body (in my mind only). Anyone who say her would think she is smokin hot and think that she is much younger than her late 40's. She takes care of herself, always tries to look nice, She is smart and successful to boot. She wants sex from me a lot. In reading on this site I realize I'm very fortunate that at 53 I don't have any ED issues. For me though the problem lies in my desire to have sex with my wife. I'm frigid with her. When we do have sex I go through the motions and sex is far less than it should be for her."

I wanted to share with you that one of the really great things that has happened for me in my reboot is that I have found myself truly turned on by my partner of 16 years again.

You're very lucky that you don't have any ED issues. I just wanted to get my boner back, I hadn't even considered a goal of being sexually aroused by my partner again. He's attractive and we've always had decent enough sex, but for quite a few years it's become more 'perfunctory' for me. I just figured it was part of the long term relationship pattern, that I'd lost that hot animal attraction to him.

So it came as a very pleasant surprise when I found myself feeling really turned on with him again. Like in our early years together, when I'd never had that level of chemistry with someone before.

It seems kind of obvious now, but to a brains like ours (that have become accustomed to over-saturation of dopamine through the super-stimulation of streaming porn) it wouldn't occur to us that if you give it a rest, don't spend your sexual energy on anything, save it up for awhile, then of course you're going to have a lot more sensitivity, be more turned on, raring to go when you choose to express it.

My advice is to go hard mode until the wiring and chemistry have had a chance to rest and reboot. Wishing you well man!

9
Ages 40 and up / Re: Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot
« on: March 25, 2016, 08:40:57 PM »
Hey Patrick,

Thanks for posting and reaching out. It's really brave of you. I think you're right about dopamine being the cause.

Yes, just get back on the horse, forgive the past and be gentle with yourself.

Sending you love and support!

10
Ages 40 and up / Re: Gay guy reboot
« on: March 24, 2016, 09:03:37 PM »
Thanks Harry, I didn't notice til you mentioned it.

A lot of good stuff has come from no PMO and no MO. (And thanks to your inspiration, from COLD SHOWERS!! I'm loving them. I've turned into the cold shower salesman - I've taken over for you in the 'harangue everyone' dept. on that!  ;) ) I feel more present in my life. I'm more connected to my partner, more interested in him, I care more. It feels generous, not needy. And he's turning my crank like when we first met 16 years ago! I really didn't expect that. The man is HOT! and I get to see it again without porn goggles on.

I get to spend a whole long 3 day weekend with my partner starting tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to seeing what I experience with him.

I really appreciate your support Harry. It has meant a lot to me. Along with a lot of other really great guys here. I love this community! Thanks Gabe  :)

11
Ages 40 and up / Re: My journal to freedom
« on: March 22, 2016, 10:23:34 PM »
Hey Robert,

I'm also really glad you shared that experience. I found it really touching and moving.

Wishing you well on your 4 days away. If you need a supportive distraction, try a cold shower - they're awesome!

12
Ages 40 and up / Re: Gay guy reboot
« on: March 21, 2016, 07:39:42 PM »
Hello Gentlemen,

It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve posted in my journal. While I was away taking care of my dad for two weeks I had the hookup with a buddy from my list. Then I noticed the ‘hookup machine’ turn on, like a switch in my mind. I didn’t do anything about it, but it was like a constant presence. I felt bored, kind of numb, a bit of that ‘f*ck it!” state of mind. My bike rides and cold showers gave me a focus to return to each day.

At one point my partner passed through town and I got to spend an hour with him. We went for a walk along the river and had a little fight (about scheduling our time together). It was over quickly, replaced with a hug. I was just kind of worn out, and he could see that.

At the end of the two weeks with my dad, I traveled to where my partner is living temporarily and spent a day and night with him. We had a good time together. We had sex and I was expecting that I might see a setback in my member’s performance, after a week and a half in that ‘hookup’ mindset. It wasn’t as bad as I feared, not 100% throughout, but enough to have a great time. More importantly it felt very connected, which felt healing.

Since I returned home I have been busy with work-travel and doing small projects at home. It has felt like the ‘hookup machine’ just slowly wound down to a state of quiet. I’ve continued exercising most days, and taking cold showers. They really are exhilarating, they provide a mental/physical reference point that’s helpful. It’s a way of expressing and reinforcing my reboot. It takes commitment to start it, more guts to see it through, and when it’s over I feel really great. Actually, sometimes it’s starting to feel really good right in the middle of the bracing cold. Almost better than warm water.

My partner came home unexpectedly for a day and night this past weekend. I had just returned from a work trip and was a bit weary. I didn’t think we’d necessarily jump in the sack, but he was raring to go. Again I wasn’t sure how I’d perform since I wasn’t feeling particularly horny. I decided that whatever we did, I would approach it with no expectation to reach O. Surprise! With the internal pressure off, I found myself feeling naturally very turned on to him, like in our early days together. I had my best results so far in the equipment department. It felt like things are getting back to normal down there. That was a very nice experience. And it also felt really connected.

While PMO doesn’t draw me in, my challenge seems to be in the area of hookups - my mind gravitates to thinking about them. Given the setup of my relationship I still hope that the occasional hookup can eventually be a healthy option. For now, it feels more like a habit response, and one that detracts from the benefits I’m realizing in this reboot with my partner.

13
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: March 21, 2016, 12:32:49 AM »
Hey Bob,

I see your counter is reset. I imagine that was difficult. I'm sending you love and support. You're a good man and I'm grateful for your presence here.

14
Ages 40 and up / Re: Back Again!
« on: March 15, 2016, 07:26:27 PM »
Hi Nameless,

Welcome to the forum, glad you're here. You asked: "When do you start to feel normal arousal again? When does libido return? I know it's different for everyone but what is a realistic expectation?"

Harry makes the point well that it's not linear. I first had sex with my partner around 60 days, and it was with limited, partial success in the ED dept. We've done it again about 6 times since and I've had improvement along the way, but not to where I would say "the job's done!" You can read my journal for more detail.

I had a couple hookups more recently, and they set me back a bit. Kind of like turning on familiar machinery if that makes sense. I like Harry's question: "what is normal arousal for people like us?" For me, I think I've spent so many years channeling my energy towards either porn or hookups that it's going to take some time to find the answer to that question.

What I like a lot so far is that I have found a return of real sexual attraction to my partner. That's one of the things that the hookups kind of put a "pause" on. My partner and I are long-distance, and it seems if I just wait and save everything, I have more desire to spend on him. My relationship is not set up to be monogamous, so I have to deal with my mind saying "it's not fair if he can and I can't..." etc. But I just come back to me, and what I started this reboot for, and I trust what I've learned so far. I want more of this healing, and it may take longer than I'd hoped. But I'd rather get an authentic, working sexuality, than be hooked on dopamine hits that rob me of my libido.

Hope that's helpful, and feel free to reach out, post, private message any time.

15
Ages 40 and up / Re: 500 DAY UPDATE!!
« on: March 11, 2016, 07:08:07 PM »
Amazing Lyon!!

Thank you for your clear summary of an intense process. Thank you for your always kind, heartfelt, honest and respectful support to the men in this forum. Thank you for your joyous enthusiasm. Thank you for being a living example of self examination and self love.

You are a gift to us, and your reward, clearly, is the life you are living, true to yourself. 500 days is a beautiful symbol of that!!

Love to you brother!  :)

16
Ages 40 and up / Re: Day 18 (evening post)
« on: March 10, 2016, 12:06:14 PM »
Hey Robert, to add to what Bob and Harry said, I have found it really helpful to read back through my own journal several times. It can be a useful reference point. It's what Gabe recommends in the guidelines, so the forum doesn't get overwhelmed with new threads, and so that each member's journal is in one place.

You could start each entry with 'Day 19' 'Day 20' and so on. Or you can even change the title of the thread each day if you prefer.

If you want whole your journal in one place, you also could go back and copy and paste your past threads into a single one, to have it chronological. If you want any help feel free to message me.

Glad you're here!

17
Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« on: March 06, 2016, 01:54:56 PM »
Hey Gabriel, I don't think a dog will keep you from PMOing, and it sounds like your plate is pretty full, and a dog takes a lot of time and focus - So, my thought is: get a dog if getting a dog is what is really up for you right now. But not as a strategy for avoiding PMO.

Also, thanks for your words about alcohol and the boner effect. I'm not an alcoholic but I've noticed I just naturally have been drinking less since getting further into my reboot. Your post encourages me to keep it up (looking forward to more 'keeping it up'). I won't complain about excess erections at 55 - you da man! ;)

18
Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« on: March 06, 2016, 12:01:31 AM »
Hi Gabriel, Welcome! Really glad you're here. You'll find this is a really supportive community, you'll find a lot of awesome guys here.  Feel free to reach out, private message, post often, post on other's threads. You never know who may find what you've written helpful. I look forward to following your journey.  Thanks for joining in! Keep going man.

19
Ages 40 and up / Re: Who knew...?
« on: March 04, 2016, 05:23:34 PM »
Wow! Congrats Harry on the 90/60/30 trifecta! You are an inspiration.

Thank you for haranguing.. er, encouraging me into the wonderful world of cold showers. :) It really is the bomb.

Keep going man! Love to you brother.

20
Ages 40 and up / Re: Who knew...?
« on: March 03, 2016, 01:11:54 PM »
Great job Harry on meeting your 60 day goal!!! Really well done!

And congratufuckinlations on extending your goal to 90 days!!! You da man. I think you are right on in your assessment of where you're at and how to move forward (in spite of all your protests to the contrary - funny guy! I like the way you hold your upset child with humor and permission).

And just think - only seven-thousand, two-hundred and twelve days to go before you can PMO again!  ;)

21
Ages 40 and up / Re: Gay guy reboot
« on: March 02, 2016, 10:45:13 PM »
I’ve been staying with my dad for a week, taking care of him while my brother (who lives with him) is away on vacation.

I’m in the town where I lived from age 11 to 18. I left here three days after high school graduation and took the bus across the country to live in Manhattan and go to college. I was very happy back then to get far away. I actually like this town, but it is interesting to notice all the associations from my adolescence. In fact, I feel like I’m reliving a certain feeling-tone of that time.

My dad will be 89 soon. He’s in a long, slow decline. He’s doing pretty well, since my brother takes such good care of him. But he is a faint shadow of his younger self. He mostly sits in his chair and watches a limited number of movies or the History Channel. (I have a friend who calls it the Hitler Channel - haha). He drinks beer all day. He can’t really hold a conversation, but he can tell a number of stories, he has a limited number of stock responses. He whistles all day long and harmonizes with any music playing. He delivers the cue lines before the movie characters have a chance to say them.

All of which has a certain charm, and can be endearing. Overall, he’s really sweet with me.

I get his meals, feed him his copious pills, administer numerous inhalers, take him through a detailed bathing ritual every three days, slather his legs with steroid ointment, clean up after his spills, broken jam jars (he fought with me over the glass-shard infused bowl of jam he managed to salvage from the heap on the floor - “That’s good jam! I’ll work around the glass!”), and launder his blood stained and snot covered handkerchiefs, gingerly lifted from the various spots he leaves them around the house.

I often find myself feeling annoyed with him, if not disgusted. I’m a model of patience and kindness. I try to be cheerful. I just do what’s in front of me. I’m aware that I am grateful for the opportunity to be of service in this way. I’m deeply grateful to my brother who takes care of him the rest of the time, and seems to enjoy it, letting me and my other siblings off the hook.

And inside I feel this dull, aching boredom and low grade numbness. It’s okay with me. Just interesting to notice. There’s nothing else to do, so I walk through it. It’s funny really, how fine everything is, and how fortunate I am, and then have this internal dim feeling. A bit reminiscent of adolescence.

I go for a long bike ride every day, which I love, and feels really good. I’ve been taking cold showers every day, which is also very helpful - and the water up here is colder than in California.

I met up with an old buddy from here (one of the ‘elite eight’ as Phase called them) and we had a fun romp (my equipment performed well enough). It was a welcome distraction at the time, but I think has left me a little more ‘dim’ than I might otherwise be. Being here in my family context, it was reminiscent of old patterns. I have been filling in for my brother when he leaves town for a number of years now, and this is the first time since I started my reboot. In the past, my boredom here would be expressed in PMO and searching online for hookups that mostly didn’t pan out. I don’t feel any threat of moving towards PMO now. But I definitely feel the emptiness that I would have spent on it. Like I said, I'm willing to feel that and just wait. Another kind of withdrawal I suppose.

Also, I’m wanting more rewiring with my partner. We haven’t had a chance to be together for a month and a half now. I don’t want to interrupt what was building with him. I may get to finally spend some quality time with him this weekend.

The experiment continues. Learning by doing. Not perfect, but how else do you find the balance?

22
Ages 40 and up / Re: Rebooting today
« on: February 27, 2016, 10:51:25 AM »
Hey Harry,
I didn't experience heart palpitations that I recall, so I can't respond to that. You might want to see the doc just to make sure everything's okay. And it sounds like it could be withdrawal. Sleeping a lot is a great sign! I think having K9 shut down your internet connection between 11:30 and 8 is brilliant. Really smart to tailor it to you and your particular habits and needs. Sleep is really important and healing. If we get a little less of you posting here as a result, that's okay - I always enjoy your intelligent posts, but for now put those smarts to work for you, whatever it takes, level headed and moving forward. Enthusiasm will come and go. This is a long game.

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: To err is human
« on: February 25, 2016, 02:21:37 PM »
Hey Balfour, here is a link to a thread that might be worth checking out:
http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

You might want to check out the section titled "Counters vs Spreadsheets" - it's toward the end of the post. Hope it's helpful man.

24
Ages 40 and up / Re: Gay guy reboot
« on: February 25, 2016, 10:48:09 AM »
Got my testosterone level results - first time I've ever had it checked. It says the normal range is greater than 240, mine was 1124. I don't know how high it can go, or what would be 'too high,' but it looks like a good result.

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: To err is human
« on: February 25, 2016, 02:31:10 AM »
Hey Balfour, Thank you for showing up! I have gotten a lot from following your journal.
Keep going man. Wishing you well.

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