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Messages - PIED64

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1
Ages 40 and up / Re: Bright Future Journal
« on: September 25, 2015, 03:49:50 PM »
Hey lb,

Just checking in, how's it going?

2
Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: September 23, 2015, 01:02:25 PM »
Just popping in for a quick update.  Things are continuing to go well.  As time passes I can feel the resolve getting stronger and stronger.
Who knew, it was in me all along!  The tipping point for me was when I learned what this was doing to my brain and I realized it as what it is, a full blown addiction like any other addiction.  I am so thankful for the wealth of information that has been made available to us here and on other great sites.

Again I want to thank you all for the words of encouragement and the things you have shared in your own journals.  It makes us all stronger.

Onward and Upward!

3
Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: September 16, 2015, 05:28:44 PM »
Hey guys, still going strong here!  I just wanted to say again how helpful it is to read the journals of others on this site.  I recently came across this nugget in Bob's journal.  There is a link below to an excellent albeit lengthy topic on another forum.  To me the information and true goals we should have around this rebooting process are spot on.

Hi folks,

Last night I read the following link. I felt like it held a great deal of wisdom regarding this reboot process.

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0[/url]

 A couple of the points were as follows. Please forgive the paraphrasing of this link...
  • Don't deall with the P, put your energy in being a new you.
  • Don't dwell on your counter, dwell on your progress. Use of a spreadsheet may give a better picture. If one has cut down on PMO then that's success! If you relapse, its not "start over." Its just part of the process. Realize you want to change and get back to it. A counter may make you feel like you are starting all over again
  • Post positive, don't give this thing the power of a negative post. Anything that includes shame gives power to PMO, (I want to make sure to differentiate between shame and guilt. Shame is "I'm stupid. I have relapsed." Guilt is "I relapsed. I don't feel good about it but it doesn't make me any less of a person.)

Because of this link, I am going to change the way I approach the reboot process. I will be removing my current counters and replace it with a counter measuring the time from my last PMO. This was my main goal, one in which I have had success.

I will be modifying my counter to be a counter measuring the time from my last PMO, as this is the real goal.  I will continue my commitment to avoid P subs and MO as well, but I haven't had any slips here thus far either.  I want to maintain focus on the true goal, no PMO.

Thanks again for all of the support so far!

Onward and Upward!

4
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: September 16, 2015, 05:12:07 PM »
Hey Bob,

I finally read through your entire journal.  Thank you for posting the link to: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

It is a lengthy read, but well worth it.  Peace brother.

Onward and Upward!

5
Ages 40 and up / Re: Could I be the oldest guy here?
« on: September 16, 2015, 05:00:20 PM »
Hey eds125,

Glad to have you here!  I agree with sodonewithit, it all has to go.  I wanted to speak to your question about ED being conquered.  I am 51 and I have been on blood pressure meds for a few years as well, so not sure how much (if at all) that contributed to the ED to begin with.  I am only 40 days PMO free into this journey thus far, but I can tell you that on my last encounter with the wife 3 days ago things were greatly improved over even a few weeks ago.  Achieved a strong 90% + erection and maintained a good 80% + erection right through VP to O.  To sum this up, I have gone from a noodle to a respectable erection during intercourse in 40 days without PMO.  I know that individual results vary, but I am extremely pleased with the improvements thus far.  So is the wife!  My best to you on your journey!

Onward and Upward!

6
Ages 40 and up / Re: Bright Future Journal
« on: September 11, 2015, 04:46:08 PM »
Hey lb,

I found a good link on YBOP regarding flatline.  While the exact cause is unknown and it is very different for everyone, it will pass with time.  Trust me, I know the dead feeling, but I also know it gets better with time.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/porn-recovery-and-mysterious-flatline

7
Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: September 11, 2015, 04:42:00 PM »
Thank you bob and unchained!

You are absolutely right unchained, I need to remember this.

If you are able to get and maintain an erection when the time is right, then you are moving in the right direction.  That's the only time it really matters anyway.

8
Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: September 11, 2015, 12:37:45 PM »
Today marks 5 weeks on this journey so far.  There have been ups and downs, but no stumbles thus far.  I have found that I have to be careful with some things that may seem informative, but begin to trigger thoughts.

***Potential trigger alert***  skip this paragraph if you are concerned about avoiding potential triggers.
I saw mention in another journal about thepinkcross, a website where former pornstars speak out about the horrible negative aspects of the industry and their personal experiences.  While I believe that there is good information there, I found a former favorite of mine and started to remember images of her.  I will be steering clear of this site for the foreseeable future, perhaps for good.
***End of alert***

It has been a tough yet remarkable journey so far.  I am striving for my next major goal of 60 days.  The mental clarity that I have seen in this short time is nothing short of amazing.  I am still awaiting the return of my old friends, MW and NE.  I try not to dwell on it since I know that it is part of the process to have to wait for these to return as the brain continues to recover and rewire.

I want to thank you all.  I have gathered strength, helpful information, guidance, and feeling of acceptance through reading your journals and through comments you may have left on my journal.

Onward and upward!

9
Ages 40 and up / Re: Bright Future Journal
« on: September 09, 2015, 12:36:44 PM »
Hey lb,

I agree that you have to do what you feel will work for you.  I personally chose no MO, Edging, P or my specific P subs.  I agree with Rikkoman to tread lightly regarding M for the first few months.

Possibly because they were not triggers for me, I still watch TV, I still use facebook, I still occasionally use twitter, watch movies, etc.  I do stay away from instagram to avoid P subs.  I work in technology so internet use is a constant for me.  But I also use the internet in general outside of my work.  It is how I found all of this valuable information and started my reboot!

Hang in there.  Onward and upward!

10
Ages 40 and up / Re: Rewiring and recovering
« on: September 08, 2015, 01:21:33 PM »
Hey RR, thank you for the comments that you left on my journal.  I have read through yours also.  Hang in there and stay the course you have started!

I wanted to share a few specific things that I may not have commented on much in my journal.  The anger you refer to, I dealt with that quite a lot early on.  I'd say for the first 10 days at least I would find myself getting angry over any little thing.  I was a bit of an asshole during that time.  But, I did realize that it was happening and tried my best not to deflect the anger toward my wife.  I did find after a while, probably from the 2 week point on that I do not have the anger feelings as much, very seldom now after being 30 days in.  Those times when you really need to vent some anger and hit something, take Kurall's suggestion and punch a pillow or your mattress.  I also had serious fatigue issues early on.  It didn't seem to matter how much sleep I got.  I felt worn out and tired/groggy/aching most of the time.  This seemed to ease for me at about the 2 week point as well.

This whole process is not easy, but I am finding it is definitely worth it. 

11
Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: September 06, 2015, 04:49:09 PM »
Wow. 30 days behind me and my first goal reached!  Updating my goal on the counter to 60.  Onward and upward!

PMO is not an option!

12
Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: September 02, 2015, 01:41:21 PM »
Latest update, I no longer find myself counting days and it seems normal to not look at P or to MO.  Waiting (impatiently) for MW and nocturnal erections to make their way back into my life.  Still having some issues with DE or No E as of the last encounter with my wife.  Hoping this passes soon, but not dwelling on it too much.  Erectile quality improving with still a long way to go.  I have had a few moments recently where I started to think about P and P subs again, but I move those thoughts along with more positive thoughts about the improvement in my relationship with my spouse.  So glad she is on my side in this battle!  Onward and upward!

PMO is not an option!

13
Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: August 28, 2015, 02:07:41 PM »
@bob, it is amazing! @Phase2 Thank you, I will keep sharing!

21 days!  I have had ups and downs emotionally, but more ups than downs.  It does get easier with time to not think about P, the moments are fleeting at this point, I don't really dwell on it any more.  I am so glad for that.  The support of my wife has been a true blessing.  I still have a long way to go with the ED, but there is continued improvement there as well.  Still no MW, erectile quality is nowhere near 100%, but is improving.  I am in this for the long haul!

PMO is NOT an option!

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rock Bottom
« on: August 27, 2015, 03:37:48 PM »
Hey Druid,

Congrats on the 2 weeks milestone!  I made it there just shy of a week ago myself.  I continue to have my moments as well, not so much thinking about P or MO, but just generally feeling down from time to time.  Life is already so much better than it was 20 days ago.  I totally relate, life is looking up, keep looking up.

Earlier on I kept thinking, how could I not have realized what was causing the problems I was having.  At this point I have moved forward from those thoughts.  At the moment and going forward I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize.

In reading through your journal I found many things I relate to.  Stay the course, stick to your plan, one day at a time like Wolverine said.  Remember to celebrate your victories along the way!

15
Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: August 25, 2015, 05:43:42 PM »
Thanks hoop and sodone! Going strong with the best woman in the world by my side!

PMO is not an option!

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: August 24, 2015, 10:41:13 AM »
It was a horrible and wonderful weekend.  I had the difficult conversation with my wife about my failure and addiction.

We have had conversations in the past about my using porn and I always swore I would quit, but ultimately was not able to.  Over the course of time whenever she asked, I would deny, get defensive, all of the typical responses.  So I knew when I told her on Saturday, the pain and backlash would be horrible.  It was as bad or worse than I expected.  Saturday was a very tough day.  Lots of tears on both sides.  The reality of my betrayal of her trust and the pain I caused her once again was extremely difficult for both of us. 

Late Saturday night we both came to the conclusion that in spite of betrayal and hurt, we really did not want to separate and wanted to work on healing.  Sunday ended up being a very good day.  I was able to share more about the addiction itself and how it had affected me.  We were able to talk about the devastation she felt, the anger, betrayal, and started to discuss how we move forward from here.  I will be looking for a marital counselor that specializes in porn addiction, that we can both meet with to work through the recovery process.  I am so lucky to have this amazing woman in my life!

Things have continued to improve on the ED front.  Being able to engage and respond to/with my wife has been nothing short of amazing!  I still have a long way to go, but the improvement thus far is very encouraging.  Now with having my wife on my side in the battle, I know I can conquer this with her support.

The support of those on this site has proven to be very helpful.  Thanks again for your continued support!

17
Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: August 21, 2015, 03:57:37 PM »
Things are going well thus far, knock wood!  I wanted to take a moment to thank you all for the support thus far. 

2 weeks!  Before learning, researching and understanding this addiction better, I never would have imagined a time when I would not use P or P subs to MO for this length of time.  I know the road is long, but I believe for the first time in my life that I can actually do this, kick this addiction.  Gearing up for the talk with my wife this weekend and looking forward to it rather than dreading it.

Thanks again for all of the support!

18
Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: August 19, 2015, 01:44:18 PM »
Exactly my thoughts, sodone.  She doesn't need the specific details and I know she will be supportive.  Deletion of the electronic stash is complete!

Still going strong and feeling more resolved each day!

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: August 19, 2015, 11:48:14 AM »
@hopeful & @sodonewithit - Thank you for the words of encouragement!  I love the supportive nature of this forum.  Also, the stash is being deleted!

@L.T.D. - Thanks for the encouragement and tips.  I have read many of the journals here, including yours.  I love that you interject some levity in your journal.  All of the journals I have read thus far have been very encouraging and there is a lot of helpful information out here.

@hoopvol & @Kurall_Creator-  Thank you for the tips and encouragement as well.  My wife is aware of my past battles, but not the extent of my most recent descent.  She has experienced the net effect of it first hand.  That conversation is forthcoming very soon.  I know it will be very difficult, but I also know that it is absolutely necessary.  We are very open about everything else and I will be about this as well.

Thank you all so much for the support!!!

20
Ages 40 and up / Here goes everything...
« on: August 18, 2015, 05:13:29 PM »
Hi All,

First a bit of background... I am 51 years old and have been married to a wonderful woman for 30+ years.

Looking back I would have to say I have had some level of addiction to porn since I first laid eyes on a magazine at around 11 years of age.  Over the course of the last 40 years it has always been a part of my life to varying degrees.  As technology advanced, so did my addiction as it became easier and easier to feed.  The frequency of PMO increased most notably over the past 5 years to the point of either multiple sessions per day or an hour long session of edging daily for about the last year.  About 4 years ago I started to experience ED issues for the first time in my life.  I blamed it on high blood pressure or being overweight.  I talked to my doctor, tried Viagra, which basically did nothing but provide terrible side effects.  The ED progressively got worse and worse to the point where I was unable to maintain any level of erection during intercourse or to achieve O from intercourse over the past 6 months.

I started researching ED in earnest and came across the Reddit NoFap board and ultimately found YBOP and this forum as a result and I am so glad I did.  I started to read more and more information about the addiction and really began to understand what was actually happening to me.  I found over the past year that I required more extreme P to MO.  I started to question orientation as it had progressed to transsexual interest and beyond.  Until I started digging into the info on YBOP and this forum I did not realize how desensitized I had become.  I finally came to the realization that I had to push PMO out of my life or risk losing everything, my wife, my sanity, my life.

Anyway, I am super glad to have found all of this information and this forum.  I started my journey 11 days ago and in this short time have already begun to notice some positive changes.  At day 8 of no PMO I had sex with my wife and was able to O from VP alone for the first time in about six months!  I was able to maintain about 50% erection during as well.  Still a long way to go, but the new journey has begun and I can only look up from here.

I initially set my goal at no P or P sub and no MO for 30 days.  Once I have achieved this I will increase my goal going forward.  There is no place for P in my life!

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