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Messages - Dareius

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: October 09, 2016, 04:06:48 PM »
Hey Hablablos thanks for stoping by,

I very much understand why I shut down after the tantra massage. I had this closing myself also with the first girl I fell in love as I wrote. I also could feel this impacting me when I was on my 80 day streak. I had less fear but nevertheless couldn't open myself up to other people.
The emotions that I have there are alot of fear and others like shame of not beeing able to open up. It brings alot of frustration not beeing able to open up when I see other people trying to be nice to me/ them trying to opening up.
I understand the emotions I have very well, yet I havent really found a solution to not get them. Like I know why I m afraid to open up to others, I know why I m playing the nice guy, I know why I m afraid of others.. It starts to really frustrate me! I ve done alot of self-exploration and I m still stuck in this bs.

Thanks for the link, I ll definetly check it out and thanks for your opinion on the tantra massage. I think I ll do it one more time, maybe talking about how I felt after that and getting her opinion will help me.

Cheers

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: I could have given up but didn't
« on: October 07, 2016, 06:40:47 AM »
Hey Sunborn,

Thank you for all the questions for selfexploration. It‘s pretty crazy how many layers our mind is made of.

I just read your last post again and you already answered my question there. You allow yourself the feeling of pain and shame of not knowing how to fully be your powerful sexual self. That naivity when it comes to women, not beeing in touch with my own sexuallity, gives me alot of shame and selfblame. I guess just as you wrote, allowing this negative feeling can help quite alot. It is always the same thing with feelings. They want to be felt, than they can leave the body. And not giving myself a hard time for beeing unexpirienced/having a rough start in my life also takes away quite alot of the shame/blame I feel when I meet women.

Nice to hear you start working out again. It is a really great tool for battling PMO. Keep going man, never give up. You are doing great with all those new changes.

Cheers

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: October 07, 2016, 06:04:04 AM »
Hey there,

thank you Sunborn for writing again. I m sorry that my respons comes 2 weeks after yours but the last few days were quite rough for me and I didn't feel like writing halfhearted.

So first of all - I've been to a tantra massage last week. The expirience is hard to describe for me and I don't want to talk about it that much. During the massage I actually could let go. The thought that I was accepted the way I am by her was very freeing at times. What gave me a very hard time the days after was that after the massage was done and we chatted abit, I shut down completely emotionally and withdrew from her. I didn't realise this for a few days after the tantra massage. When I shut down I become very superficial in the way I talk and more or less fend off any attempt of the other person to be nice to me. This makes me real sad to be honest.

I think this is caused by the death of my father. After he died I couldn't really trust anyone after that, not even my mother. This also prevented me from opening up to women. Its the same - I try to open up but than there is this huge fear, that when I do open my heart I loose her instantly (which can happen I guess).

I m not sure about the love vs. dependent attachement you talk about. I think the only time I really fell in love was the first girl I fell in love with. Like one time, I just saw her and real warmth from my heart came up - we never came together though cause I couldn't open up. I never had that feeling again.

What I can think of dependent attachement is that beeing nice equals love (thats a new thought just coming up). I have had a difficult relationship with my mom after my dad died, where beeing nice equaled beeing loved. Showing my true self, disagreeing with her however meant no love. That is probably what happened after the tantra massage aswell. I fell back into that old pattern of having to be nice in order to be loved.
This creates so much frustration and anger god damn.

I dont know if I should go to the tantrastudio again. I kinda feel like she doesn't want me there anymore. I'm not sure if this is just me beeing retarded or if this is true. I can't get a clear thought on that topic really.

I am glad I could inspire you to go to a tantra studio yourself!

Cheers

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: I could have given up but didn't
« on: September 18, 2016, 09:24:55 AM »
Hey Sunborn,

sorry to hear you relapsed. Doesn't matter though, as you wrote in my journal - its not about the days it is about the healing process. And you seem to have gotten along way there, as you wrote yourself. I ve read alot on this forum here which was quite helpfull, yet it never really struck me that much.
Remember I wrote about this "shame thing" with women that I cannot really explain? What you wrote in this post - man I think I finally understand the problem
But after around a week, I noticed a shift in me. There's like a veil being lifted. I experience things more clearly, and more direct. I start to notice women more and feel desire and attraction towards them, but more importantly, what I also noticed was a feeling of shame and fear in feeling that desire and attraction. I become afraid that my desire is perverse and not genuine, and there's a sense of not being allowed to feel like this, not daring to look, not daring to celebrate beauty. I also noticed a feeling of not knowing what to do with this attraction, not being comfortable in that state.
Whenever I look at a women, in a corner of my mind I always think that I have to fear alot of negative consequences by beeing so "perverted" - which is nonsense when one thinks objectively - we are just following our biology yet it feels subjectively wrong. Its also sth. else abit but this is one major factor, so thank you alot for sharing this thought here!!!

The thing you talk about with standing in the experience of shame, beeing vulnerable/raw helps definetly. I'd like to hear if you have any methods/tipps to doing that in society. I m not at the point yet where I can do that in society with people around me and with the situation unfolding right there. I can do it "reliving"/remembering the moment and feeling the emotions that come up, not analysing them.

When I got to day 79 I worked out every day. One day bodyweight training at home, the next day jogging (starting slowly- mix jogging with walking in between) and sometimes a breakday where I just walk abit, so that I dont overstress my body. If you think you don't have the time/power for it, I think thats just our brain trying to rationalize to sit and do nothing. I often felt that way, lazy, not in the mood whatever, but especially than on these occasions, when I did do it, I felt really good afterwards. Sport is a natural serotonin producer, the "happiness-hormone", serotonin beeing used in antidepressants, yet you can get it naturally with sport and also look sexy in the meantime. And you always have the time to squeze in 20-30 minutes of training.

Watch the chaser effect and keep going.
All the best.

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: September 16, 2016, 01:28:06 PM »
Hey Sunborn, ty for sharing your thoughts/tips with me first of all, I appreciate it alot!

Yes dancing is really a great way to connect with others. Sometimes there are moments where I get so much into the music that I loose myself abit. Than on some occasions where we do lots of spinning around (happens often in salsa) that transforms into me looking the woman I dance with in the eyes and we both truely laugh (those real laughs where you feel energy coming up your chest). Thats so great xD, I LOVE that.

I ve done abit more research on tantra, I m almost 100% clear that I ll do it, yet I read sth about getting dependant/addicted to the masseuse ..? What I mean by this is, I  fear that I might get in love with the woman I m with there and than I have to realise that I ll have to let her go again but than I cant -> much sadness? When I listen to my hearth though it yells at me to go and do tantra ^^ so I guess I ll go anyways. Its just that I ve fallen in love with two other women and it didnt work with them, so thats where this fear comes from I guess.

Thank you for your book recommendation, reposting is totally alright. That beeing a man/connecting with women is still a huge problem. One thing that is really big here is the "nice guy syndrome" and neediness. I guess those reduce with reading books like the one you recommended and with NoFap -> self confidence.

Cheers

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: September 14, 2016, 02:39:13 AM »
Hey Sunborn,
you are totally right about that this process of NoFap is about healing and not abstaining. I realised that yesterday when I was doing abit better again. I saw how many positive changes I actually did make in those 79 days, which really soothed the pain by a large amount. Especially going to salsa danceclasses is a major victory in my book (had one yesterday evening and it was great fun again). This is the first time that I m really doing something with women and I m very much loving it. Reason beeing that when I dance I stop thinking and just dance/be with a woman. I have fun while beeing with a woman close to me and so I think this is a major place where I can learn interacting with women.
The huge pain in the evening and early morning after the relapse was actually also a good thing. I finally talked about it with my mom. I wanted to do this for a long time but never actually did it. When I did yesterday it lifted alot of weight from my shoulders. Funny enough, my mom is an astrologer and she could explain me alot of things which were related to the fear that I have with women/a major reason for porn. Also she said I should try tantra, which I actually thought about myself alot. I ll try that in about a month, already found a place where I can go and which is recommended by many people.
Another part why I relapsed is that I stopped beeing thankful for what I have and only started seeing the negative. Yesterday I wrote down all the things in my life that I can be thankful for - even such things as beeing thankful for living in a peacefull country - and just by doing that I could feel alot of positive energy coming up. I ll look at that list everyday now and write down more things when I see them.
In the end - yes it was a relapse which sucks hard. Yet I know that I healed quite alot already - I wasnt really getting that much of a rush when I watched the clips during my relapse - I m actually more attracted to real women now - even though there is still that fear. I ll take it again one day at a time, yet I know I m not back to day 0 healingwise.
Thank you

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: September 12, 2016, 04:36:47 PM »
Jesus.
79 days. And than a relapse. Fuck I m feeling alot of selfhate and all the old shit I ran away from coming back.

I relapsed yesterday once. Than tried to withstand it, played some computer games today again also after 79 days of gaming break and all went to shit. My GOOOOOOOD.
Man I m feeling so depressed right now. I know I cant give up yet my motivation, that grid I had is so gone. FUCKFUCKCFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

MY GOD. I know mostly why it happened. I m still having alot of fear from women and Nofap didnt really change that so far. Its sth that I dont understand. Sth that pulls me down day in and day out about me meeting with women. Like I can't look at a good looking lady. I m not even rly attracted, because the feeling of attraction gets nullified by the fear thats coming up. Also shame that I m not capable of talking to her/beeing a man in generell.

Man I feel empty. I feel like I lost a big chance.
I know I ll keep on grinding. I m almost done with the slight edge and I know about the importancy of dreams in once own life to have the motivation to continue. There is so much shit that I need to look at. While writing all this I know that the only way is to do it. To face those fears/shame w/e. I m doing it. Yet this shamething with women is like a fucking nightmare.

Sorry for the rant, but I just needed this. Its unbelievable how much shit is piled up inside me. All this shame, fear, blabla GOOOOOOD

ok stop
Thx if u read that far.
I ll write again when I m stable once more

8
Hey Hablablos, yup that might be a thing. I get really ashamed when women look at me. I m quite attractive yet feel more like thats a bad thing than a good one. Guess I ll have to think about that one for a while.

9
Hey guys, thanks for replying.

First of all @Deschain I'm sorry to hear that, it really sucks to loose your dad :/  we both know that - all the best for you man and thanks for the support. If you mind talking about it abit more, what you mean with beeing sexually destructive? Because I feel like I m having problems in this field aswell.
@Hablablos, I was thinking about your posts aswell before I came online about MO'ing. I wont reset my counter. However I really feel like I had a major setback. Been really down the last day, lots of sadness aswell as shame coming up - how do you feel after you mo? Do you get sad/anxious again for a few days in society?

Cheers Dareius

10
Hey there guys,

it has been a while and I hope you are all doing well on recovery from pornography. The reason I didnt come back online was that I wanted to focus all my attention on irl with NoFap-no PMO. Today I am on day 66 of no PMO! Feels good - besides one thing:

Yesterday early in the morning I had my first wet dream from which I woke up. I had no problem with that. After waking up and seeing what had happened I changed my boxers and went to the bathroom to clean myself. I was still half asleep and real horny....my dick was real sensitive and when I cleand myself I was soo fuckn horny that my brain just went out the window and I masturbated and came in literally 10 seconds without thinking about porn but just getting off due to the sensitivity of my penis.

I d much appreciate it if you guys told me your opinion on whether or not I should reset my counter. In the end, I decided that porn is deleted out of my life and it doesnt really matter if I came (no thoughts on porn while I fapd) - the number of days I m off it doesn't matter really either with that attitude. However since that happened I m constantly thinking about whether or not I should reset to day 0. It is just a pride thing on keeping count. Personally I dont think I should reset my counter . I came without thinking of, nor watching porn. Yet the critic in me is bombarding me constantly that it was a relapse and I m feeling kinda down at the moment. So please, tell me what you think about this.

One thing I want to share with you guys besides that, I m doing all kinds of stuff in irl now, one thing I m really happy to have started being salsa - I higly recommend to any recovering porn addict to start visiting a salsa dance class !! God thats so much fun - higly recommend it.

Cheers Dareius

11
Hey Zaraki,

delayed happy birthday wish to you my man :D !

When I sometimes read my posts I see alot of negativity in them, you on the other hand focus so much more on the positive. I really like that, what you think, you become, right ? Gonna work more on seeing the positive again.

As you read on my journal probably, finding your life purpose is key to overcoming the addiction. So if you got lost on that path abit try to find that lifevision again or as Mark Manson the writer of Models said in one of his posts - "What can I do with my time that is important". Reaching a certain amount of time is great because of all the benefits and such, but if you dont have the direction set in which you wanna go, than I dont think you can get rid of the addiction itself.

Gl on your journey,
Dareius

12
Hey there buddies,

@Zaraki - what you are saying with beeing happy with yourself is very true. I figured that one out lately. I was constantly (and still am, even though I know it better) searching for THAT woman to sweet me off my feet. I hope that she fixes all the emotional problems that I have. Giving me the feeling of emotional security, giving me happyness etcetc.. I have realised by reading Models and other articles that this will never happen. I need to pull myself out of this swamp of bullshit. I know its true, yet it feels sooooo unfair to me. You know - why did my dad have to die and my life get such a mess. Than again I also know that its me who creates/ed these emotions after his death, so I have the full responsibility for those and also for healing those. And that I also shouldnt pursue women before I didnt fix this.

I feel so powerless at the moment though. Like I have so many problems in my life and I know only I can pull myself out of there, yet it feels like I need a fucking miracle to get me out there and again I know that this wont happen (small steps :X).

About women I rly have no clue right now. You are right about talking to them helps to get rid of the fear. My problem is that I cannot be myself around them or maybe there is sth else that I dont understand. :-\

@Hablablos I spend most of my day today on self research, the part in your journal helped alot there. Its been quite the struggle though. I realised that I had nothing that I really wanted in my life. What came to my mind again is that I love animals especially wolfes and also nature. Also had some other stuff that I found out. I ll stick to this self research for a longer time now. I read an article from Mark aswell, where he posed 7 questions to help finding your lifepurpose.

Got me really frustrated in the last 2-3 hourse though so after seeing a thumbnail of some woman on youtube I got a rush and relapsed without thinking about it. So zombiemode atm. I wont stop this self research though. This has to work!!!!!

Havnt heard that one about dancing before but sounds like one more reason to go for it :D

Cheers Dareius

13
Hello there,

thx for asking how its going guys and for the encouraging words Zaraki.

After I wrote my last post a few weeks ago I didnt do anything regarding reboot. I went back into the same old routine of porn once or twice a day. After doing that for like 1-2 weeks my self esteem dropd even further, my voice went crackmode and other things I benefited from after not watching porn regularly stoped.

After realising it, I went back on track and managed a 27 day streek that ended with my MOing in the shower and than relapsing on chaser effect to porn. That was actually a good thing, doing it like Hablablos is doing it with MOing but no PMOing. I didnt manage to withstand the chasereffect that time doe.

I read the gr8 book that Sunborn recommended - Models from Mark Manson. He is amazing in what he writes. He once again reminded me that the keything to a happy life is to find the one thing that u are rly passionate about. At the moment for, there is nothing, which is probably also why I relapsed.

Atm I m trying to figure out what this/these thing/s is/are that I m passionate about. Dancing comes into my mind first but the thought of beeing around women and having no idea how to behave nor have anything I m passionate about - how should I talk to them? I m also no the most happy looking guy right now.

So yea, I m kinda back on track while figuring my life out.

Thx again for your posts, they always make me feel better/not alone.
Dareius

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: February 02, 2016, 03:12:54 PM »
Hey Hablablos,

good thing you point out that when one wants to have something one has to find a way on how to get it. Its obvious in a way yet eyeopening to read it again.

I have been thinking alot about how to get out and be around women more often, I really like women, not especially as sex partners - but as the beeings they are. I had a few good encounters in university even though my social anxiety hinders me to go further and meet a girl in private (I also dont really have a clue as to what to do with her :/ ) . I just orderd the book Model, gonna read that maybe I ll find some good tips.

Cya around

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: February 02, 2016, 03:01:19 PM »
Hey Hablablos,

ty for asking even though I havent been active at all. Its going pretty bad at the moment to be honest. Recently I "relapsed" quite often. I put it in "" because the past two weeks or so I wasn't really trying to get rid of porn. I just had so many failed attempts that I kinda gave up. At the moment however I'm on four days count again and I got somewhat of a routine going aswell. Meditation in the morning and tai chi in the evening. I am also back to a psychotherapist so yea.

I feel so lonely after not fapping for like 7 days its crazy. I seek other people but my social anxiety got really bad. Maybe its because I'm always going to 7 days and than relapse and in these first 7 days the symptoms often get worse when one tries to get rid of porn?

I will try to get past the 7 day mark now even though in the end its not about counting days. Oh well.

I hope you are doing fine on your journey man.

Cya Dareius

16
Porn Addiction / Re: Will not masturbating weaken a foot fetish?
« on: January 04, 2016, 07:23:16 PM »
Hey dude,

there have been a lot of guys with all sorts of fetishes and after not using porn for three to four months their natural tastes were vanilla again. What remains is the path in your brain that connects feet with sexual stimulation. It will weaken to a really low point though so that you won't be disturbed by it anymore. But as for all addicts if you see your substance again, foot porn/porn in general those old pathways in your brain will get activated again and become stronger once more.

You definitely will be able to get an erection to a woman though again, even if you didn't have a real one yet. When I was on my 34 ish day streak, I was horny just seeing a sexy woman around when before I was totally numb and only reacted to my fetish.

Never loose hope!
You are not a lost man. You can heal yourself 100%

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: January 04, 2016, 07:14:12 PM »
Hey Hablablos,

first of all don't loose track of what your already accomplished so far ! You healed yourself bigtime. Keep it going!

If I get you right you say you are afraid to masturbate without porn and because of this you run to porn? Could it maybe be that you get triggered and than run to the pc. Maybe when you start masturbating without porn you imagine scenes, than you get the kick and run to the pc?

Having a routine in something helps you to get over bad times. 100 days are needed before sth is really a routine - you gonna have to do it daily, even stretching during a certain period of time of the day when you are on gymbreak keeps the rythm of bodywork.

I wish you the best man.
Cya around :)

18
Ages 20-29 / Re: I could have given up but didn't
« on: January 04, 2016, 07:01:10 PM »
Hey Sunborn,

just wanted to drop by and tell you that I m really impressed with how you changed. What your write down really feels good and I ll also try to mix in some of your routines in mine :) . Keep it flowing and don't worry about the porn usage right now. As you say you will get back on track.

Cya around :)

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: December 29, 2015, 10:29:07 AM »
Hey man,

I know what you are talking about. The relationship with my mother was also pretty screwed. I had trustissues due to my dads death - learnd that in therapy/selfstudying - and also those huge moodswings. What helped me along my way was a good hypnotherapist that heald the trauma of my fathers death with hypnosis. I suggest you do sth similar because just talking doesnt do shit (normally you just talk about the symptoms but you arent fixing your actual problem in therapy).

Your girlfriend telling you you are sick is just awfull by her. No empathy at all! Wtf..! You experienced alot in your life that formed your reactions to ppl.  A possible trustissue, moodswings, all those things are NOT your fault! You have the right to be happy and your are not doomed to stay unhappy forever ! Screw that man.

I really recommend that you go to a hypnotherapist and heal that trauma you most likely have. Again just talking about it wont fix the underlying problem. All in all, never give up my friend! You will be happy again. Knowing the problem with pornaddiction and that the death of your dad had a big impact on your life is already a huge step. You gotta commit to fixing it. Dont swim around in that swamp of shitty feelings. Get help from a specialist.

Cheers Dareius

20
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: December 15, 2015, 12:49:17 PM »
Hey Machiavelli,

thanks for stopping by. Loosing a dad aint easy to cope with we both know that my friend. Yet we never gave up, screw the fuck ups, those happen when your life gets hit by a train... I wonder, have you been to a therapist yet ? This nofap thing is a big deal for us as for everyone else who has a pornaddiction, yet loosing a dad is a very big blow to your selfesteem and other things idk about. Thus you might want to search for a therapist, you dont have to obviously though if you feel alright :).

Cheers Dareius

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: December 09, 2015, 03:21:20 AM »
Hey Mtaha2015,

yea, I wont give up man. Will see how the next few weeks turn out.

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: December 07, 2015, 04:00:16 PM »
Hey Sunborn.

Wow! What you write here is 100% fitting and really gives me hope which I have lost a little these past couple of days/weeks. Damn :D. This thing with seeing my chains AND knowing what the keys are yet not having them - it is SOOOO frustrating!!! But yea you are right, I was never aware of all of this before, which means I really got far.

Thank you alot for these lines <3. Feels really good in my hearth reading this !

23
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: December 06, 2015, 06:15:51 PM »
Hey Hablablos thank you for asking.

I' ve been jerking off more and more the past few weeks, recently daily some days in a row. What sunborn said above in the post is really true. Whenever I get past 7 days ish I'm starting to get the urge to go out and meet people. However there still is this trustissue. I ll go to a new therapist in one month. I ll try to fix it there, right now idk... I feel like I got a big opportunity to change my life to the positive, yet I m still stuck in the old swamp of selfdoubt and all that good stuff.

I'm not giving up. Thats not how I am, yet its hard to keep going atm with this problem in the back. I ll fix that and than I guess the issue here is gonna solve itself faster. Imo pmo is mostly a symptome of this issue and maybe sth else, I m not sure.

Yes I know porn also plays a big role on social anxiety/low self esteem, but that is not my main problem. Those things will solve themselfs when I solve my past.

Cheers Dareius

24
Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: November 10, 2015, 05:25:41 PM »
Hey Hablablos,

I like the positive attitude you got. Thats just one slip and as you said you improved yourself alot. You made a big step in healing yourself, just watch out right now for the chaser effect. You said porn didn't really give you sth. which is a great sign of healing - keep going :)

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: November 10, 2015, 05:17:15 PM »
Hello there,

@Zaraki ty for stopping by and giving me encouragement :D. Most of the time we are in the future or in the past its really key to stay in the present moment. I think meditation helps here, even though I've been slacking a bit on that.

@Sunborn, nice to hear from you again :D. Ya take it one step at a time, right. Just sometimes I would  already be the happy guy with no problems. Obviously thats not gonna happen over night but yea. I'm getting better at seeing the positive things in life, just got to keep on fighting. The one that doesn't give up will get to his goal eventually, maybe sooner than he thinks.

I got to say these past couple days were strange for me. I got some really heavy brainfog atm, mixed in with random clarity. I'm in somewhat of a wierd/tricky situation. As I mentioned earlier I have this trustissue. But I'm also a pornaddict, sooo atm I'm torn between fixing my trustissue by going to a psychotherapist or to fix my pornaddiction. I kinda don't want to go to a psychotherapist cause this person may not know anything about pornaddiction and searches the reasons for my problems in my past. On the other hand I don't want to start the pornrecovery process 100% like on my first 2 tries cause I know whenever I get more motivation to go outside my fucking trustissue comes back. So yea. I'll most likely search for psychotherapists and ask them if they know anything about pornaddiction, hopefully I'll find someone.

That's the state I'm in atm, feeling kinda shit but on the other hand I'm seeing the positive things more.
I'll keep you guys up to date, until than - keep on going...........
Cya Dareius

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