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Ages 30-39 / Time for a change after 10+ years of addiction
« on: May 28, 2015, 01:15:32 AM »
I'm just about to turn 30. Though I'm divorced and have no children, I'm generally happy with my life. I was raised by an incredible family that I'm still very close with. I have a great job, great friends, and I can generally do whatever I want whenever I want. One of the perks of being single...

I discovered porn when I was about 17-18 and watched it on a regular basis after that. My use was not as heavy as some others on this forum, but it was at least 3-4 times/week, every week. Sometimes more than once/day but that was rare.

Believe it or not I didn't actually masturbate at all until I was around 17 years' old. Which seems late based on the other journals and posts I have read on this forum. You could say that I was (and potentially still am) somewhat repressed sexually. Not for any religious reasons; sex of any kind just wasn't a part of my life up until that point.

Anyway once I started to M I would use harmless magazines like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Shortly afterwards I transitioned to softcore videos on the internet. Fortunately my family's PC was in a common area of the house so I wasn't able to PMO unless I was the only person at home. Our internet was also 56 kbps at the time so it was basically impossible to download a video before my family got home. That changed when I got broadband internet + a computer in my bedroom during university. Needless to say my usage increased rapidly and the content I viewed got more and more extreme (which seems to be a common experience among those with this addiction). This heavy usage, combined with being a shy and introverted person, all but killed my desire to pursue real women.

Eventually I lost my virginity to the girl that I would later marry. That happened when I was 22. As excited as I was that I was finally having sex with a real girl, I wasn't actually able to O during that first time. Or for a number of times after that. So I stopped wearing a condom and cut back on M for a week then I was able to O during sex with her. For those first times I figured it was just the condom that was ruining the feeling. In retrospect I realize that it was my addiction to porn that was interfering with my ability to reach O with this girl. It should have been a great moment in my life. Instead it just made the girl I was with feel very self-conscious and worried that I wasn't attracted to her.

However, because I was able to O during intercourse as long as I wasn't wearing a condom, I didn't recognize that I had a problem. As the years went by we had sex far less frequently (which seems to be the common progression of most relationships). We were married when I was 24. Got divorced when I was 27. I ended the marriage for quite a few reasons which I won't get into here, most were not related to PMO, but looking back I believe it was actually a significant factor undermining my ability to form a healthy relationship. I grew distant physically and emotionally. It got to a point where I would actually prefer to watch porn on my phone in the bathroom and jerk off than have sex with her. I can't believe how messed up that sounds...

After I got divorced I entered into a rather complicated relationship that lasted for about 2 years. The girl I was with was the whole package: I had liked her for years, she really liked me back, and I was very attracted to her physically. We had a great sex life (much better than what I had with my ex-wife) but I did have a few instances of delayed ejaculation with her (especially if I was wearing a condom). I could usually counter the problem by avoiding MO for at least 4-5 days prior to seeing her on the weekend.

But towards the end of our 2 year relationship a bunch of other stuff came up that resulted in me breaking up with her. That just happened in January of this year. It was an incredibly difficult experience. Harder than when I ended my marriage. I was still in love with her when I broke up with her; unlike when I ended things with my wife. I think I'm still in love with her actually. Miss her every day.

After I broke up with her I was back to daily PMO. During the months of January and February my usage was very heavy: often 2 times/day.

Near the end of February I stumbled upon the YBOP site and Gabe Deem's YouTube videos. The information they presented was a complete revelation to me. I had been so conditioned by frequent PMO that I didn't realize that damage I was doing to myself and my relationships.

I've been really struggling over the past few months since I stopped watching P. I still MO on occasion. My frequency of MO had been heavily reduced but then I fell victim to a common mistake: P Subs. I would MO to this calendar of fitness models that I found in a box of old possessions. The women weren't naked but they were dressed in very revealing work-out clothes. At the time I didn't think I was doing anything wrong but I now realize that I was actually just feeding my addiction some more.

My hope is that this journal will help to keep me on track and avoid P. I don't want to watch it ever again. I feel like I should be able to MO when I need to but my other goal is to be able to do it without any visual aids of any kind. It should be a healthy release of built-up pressure; but it shouldn't occur every day. It shouldn't even be a weekly occurrence.

My ultimate goal is to find a new girlfriend and build a healthy sustainable relationship. I'd love to be able to get married again and start a family. It seems almost impossible at the moment because I don't meet many single women. But I'm working on improving who I am as a person: physically and mentally. I want to build myself into a guy that is worthy of a great girl.

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