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Messages - canacer

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Andy back in the fight
« on: May 13, 2015, 10:04:52 AM »
So my advance the other day went very well, thank you.  My wife was VERY pleasantly surprised, everything worked (with a bit of a delay, but we got there) and we're still in a bit of the "afterglow." 

As I drove to work that evening an idea struck me.  Previously, I had believed that I got upset about my ED issues because I felt that I was letting my wife down in some way.  But it occurred to me that I don't think that was the issue.  I would initiate sex every so often to keep my wife happy so that she wouldn't object to my porn use.  Then, when I had ED, it ruined my little plans and THAT'S what upset me.  I got upset because the ED was a threat to my addiction.

This hit me pretty hard, as it shows just how ridiculously selfish I get on my addiction.  Everything else takes a back seat to it, and anything that threatens it pisses me off in a big way.  I find this scary.  Anyone else had a "Holy crap I'm selfish!" moment like this??

Thanks for reading.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Andy back in the fight
« on: May 11, 2015, 05:08:45 PM »
Thanks NGU, I'm glad you're here as well.

Keep working, keep fighting, even when you feel like you're losing.  Hang in there.

Best wishes.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Andy back in the fight
« on: May 11, 2015, 05:07:49 PM »
Thanks Leon.

Yeah, I really liked the community and the people in the group I was in for most of the 18 months.  I had to move when I got work (finally) and couldn't attend that group anymore.  The group in my new location didn't feel the same and seemed much more "just gotta get through the steps as quickly as possible" rather than really feeling and doing the steps in a meaningful way.  So the faith issue probably bothered me more there, since I was less happy in the group anyway.

My wife will be home soon, and I'm contemplating having sex with her for the first time since I quit PMO last week.  I feel terrible, because it's not a real passionate thing for me - never has been - it's mechanical, really.  I enjoy the sensation, but it's never been an emotional experience - likely because PMO was my only sexual experience for 15 years or so.  She's very passionate (something I love about her, though it makes me uncomfortable sometimes), and is hurt because I don't grab her out of NEED - I just kind of schedule it like, "well, it's been a week (or two, or three), I guess we'd better have sex."  So now I fight with myself over how she will perceive my advance.  Probably just an excuse to not do anything at all.  I don't like that we are this different in such an important area, and I wonder if we'll ever get to where we are comfortable with the others' perspective.

That's on my mind today.  Thanks for reading!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Heroic's Journal
« on: May 11, 2015, 04:59:38 PM »
Congratulations, Heroic.  Don't worry about celebrating too early.  We need to celebrate every win that comes our way.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Heroic's Journal
« on: May 09, 2015, 05:25:38 PM »
I agree with unchained.  So much of my issue I think is the negative crap I say to myself 5 gajillion times a day.  One of my triggers is feeling bad about myself, and usually that's something I've brought on completely by myself.  Positive statements like this are a terrific alternative.

Thanks for sharing!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Heroic's Journal
« on: May 08, 2015, 05:06:48 PM »
I agree and applaud your courage in speaking up and getting it out.  These journeys take you places you never expected to be.  It's in figuring out what they mean to you where the learning and growing happens.

Thanks for trusting us enough to share.  We're here with you.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Andy back in the fight
« on: May 08, 2015, 09:48:34 AM »
I'm struggling a bit this morning. I didn't anticipate having any issues until next week, at least, but this morning is a challenge.

I'm working nights currently, so I get home, help my wife get off to work and would often spend the rest of the morning PMOing to my heart's content.  I've thought about triggers for my addiction before, and I think just boredom is one for me.  I certainly have others (feeling bad about myself is absolutely one), but really porn has become a significant past-time for me.  So being at home by myself for so many hours every weekday is not a good thing. 

Thankfully, I expect to be back on days again in a couple of months, but just finding other things to do with my time will be really important to my success.  I do have other hobbies, but they take more concentration and effort, and sometimes after work I'm not able to summon that much drive.

But I'll get through today.  Thanks for reading!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Heroic's Journal
« on: May 08, 2015, 09:41:51 AM »
Congrats on another successful day, Heroic!

I can't say I have fatigue issues, but I think if I did, I would take t as a withdrawal symptom and kind of embrace it.  I'd suggest taking the nap if your schedule allows.  Rest is rarely a bad thing.

Good post and best wishes on another great day.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Heroic Journey Back
« on: May 07, 2015, 02:38:38 PM »
Your point about living a 5 rings true to me too, Heroic.  You don't think about all the other things you miss while sitting in front of a screen somewhere.  Hang in, keep going day by day and that number will climb.  Keep at it!

Ages 40 and up / Andy back in the fight
« on: May 07, 2015, 08:29:43 AM »
My first post here.  Having read a few other journals, I'm a little unsure, but here we go.

I'm a 49 year old married man.  It's my second marriage and I have two children from my first.  The first marriage ended for many reasons, but my porn use was certainly among them.  It is now beginning to negatively impact my second.  Since virtually everything else about my current marriage is better than the first was, I want to be a better husband and man in order to give my wife the partner she deserves. 

I first saw porn at 10 or so, started MO at 15 and really started PMO in the military in my early 20s.  It really became a lifestyle for me then, as I was too shy to actually approach women.  So porn was my exclusive sexual experience until I was 30.  I of course always assumed I could drop it in a second once I met someone, but found that was not the case.  Any stress or pressures drove me right back to it.  The distance that grew between me and my first wife was in no small part due to my PMOing - up to 5 or 6 nights a week at the end. 

After we split, I got counselling for awhile and attended a couple of 12 step sex addiction groups that seemed to help - I kicked the habit for about 18 months - but continuing on that path brings you to a point where you finally have to believe in God, which I do not.  That spiritual crisis, if you can call it that, led me to drop out of the program and I was PMOing again within 3 months. 

It was on and off from there for a few years until I met my current wife.  I was able to push it largely to the background for a long time after we started seeing each other and got married.  I was very open with her about my history with porn, and she has been incredibly supportive and understanding throughout our relationship.  Once again, though, stress and boredom have gotten me PMOing 2-3 times a week and ED is becoming a significant problem.

So Monday was my last PMO and I'm hoping that I can make some real changes this time to give it up for good.

Thanks for reading!

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