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Messages - lpx

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Dear all,


first, I am sorry for neglecting this thread for months... Second, thank you very much for the valuable comments. They have meant a lot to me. Every single one of you has been a huge help.


Mart71, your post has been of highest value for me. Thank you for sharing your situation, it changed many things in me. I hope you get this. There are many things in parallel.


Since my last post, I had occasional relapses, roughly once per month. I still cannot have control over this.


There are periods, when sex is working perfectly. These normally last 3-4 days. I reach orgasm, all is fine, performace is completely ok. Sometimes I don't even use medication.
Following this peak, I typically have a one week offtime. Nothing works... 7-10 days pass, and I get back to the high peak again.


This is how it has been for me recently. We managed to work around this. Some sensitivity has returned, and the amount of medication I use is decreasing too in the peak periods.


As I'm relapsing more, the off times are getting longer of course... I need to get a better grab on myself.


In the fact that I can be cured, I have hope. Only the relapses I need to have control over. My brain still wants the porn too much, the real life sex does not seem to be enough... I'm in love, I'm happy, sex is great if it works, but I still end up doing it. I'm not sure how to handle this. The urges for porn are incredibly strong... stronger than the ones for real sex. What could I do with my brain?

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: October 13, 2014, 11:26:14 AM »
My counter was reset again today, after six weeks.


This time I'm puzzled, no clue what really is going on, why this happened. There was no trigger, nothing special happening.



Watched two hours of movies, then decided not to resist and did the mo. I wanted to interrupt halftime, stood up, but returned immediately. I couldn't even walk around, I was so into the thing. My brain was in override mode, like a real addict.


This time there is no guilt even, I'm only feeling sad. Previously if this happened, I was feeling terrible, shame and guilt. Now nothing... why?


I'm getting afraid, my pmo's are becoming more frequent. I was able to go for more than half a year before... I'll return to regular posting, let's hope this will help.


3
Ages 30-39 / Re: My very necessary Reboot Log
« on: September 25, 2014, 09:59:33 AM »
Hey... I'm sad to see what's going on with you too.


I was able to go clean for multiple months, but an unstable period flipped everything over. I was very happy with my life, but sudden changes, good and bad things - it was just too much and I relapsed. Just once I thought, and it went on for several weeks. Now full ED, all the junk, depression. It's been three weeks now that I'm clean, but man I am frightened. This beast is stronger than what I would have ever expected.


I am very tired of these ons and offs. I am thinking of taking professional help, like a therapist/specialist to meet multiple times per week. What do you think, would you consider this option?


Somewhere long ago I heard of a recovery camp, for addicts, with continuous surveillance for multiple months, although it sounded very expensive. I am so angry at myself that I am considering such brute force approaches now...


I wish you all the best, and strength above all.


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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: August 23, 2014, 04:47:55 PM »
I am feeling useless, hopeless, a walking disaster.


Things were going so well with my girlfriend. My ED problem was improving too... Months of work down the drain, now starting all over again.


The worst addiction of all, a lifelong struggle indeed...


If she knew... I could cry now.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: August 23, 2014, 04:44:18 PM »
Hey everyone...


I am back :(
I felt never so strong as before, I was sure that this addiction is over.


It is not.


I am having an emotional roller coaster in my life recently, very good and very bad things happening in parallel.


I had a weak moment and a news website triggered two days ago. I ended up hours on porn sites, full PMO. Nasty terrible stuff all evening. Today all over again.


I thought I have control over this thing. Not at all, turns out so...


This beast is much stronger than I expected... I am too weak I guess.


Now shame is back, I feel humiliated for what I did and what I looked at. Next days deep depression guaranteed.


Someone help please...

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: June 23, 2014, 07:42:12 AM »
Thanks for the thoughts!


I agree that severe conditions, depression will be triggering for sure. I am strong now, I have faith, and I hope that I will have strength enough to resist. The more time passes until something happens, the better chances I have. I think it's also a good idea to prepare mentally in advance for difficult situations, to have a sort of an escape plan.


For me the number one weapon is sport, if I have the need, I get up and activate myself, go running or rowing for example. Definitely I have to be surrounded with people and I cool down.
The more time passes, the more natural these will be I hope.


Let's believe in ourselves, that we will be strong enough whatever happens!

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Thanks for the recommendations! I do think that abstaining would help... Although it's not too easy! My girlfriend is fairly young, I told her about the problem, she acknowledged, and since we never mentioned it again. She became more tolerant if problems occur, but planning is not really a possibility.


I can do a couple of days, up to one week with abstaining, which sometimes helps. Her needs are a bit higher than average, and I like to be with her too... We can't really resist each other. For these occasions a pill is a must.


Nowadays there is absolutely zero response without medication. It's a little frightening to me. No morning wood, no nothing at all. Literally, like my spine was broken, it's a body part I have no control over.


I'm quite sure though that I don't have any medical issues. It's only the PIED, nothing else... My mind is wired in a wrong way, and I can't respond to situations even though I really would like to. All my life masturbating, it was a certain position, visual stimulation, alone - that's how I grew up. This new situation with her is completely different, and my body doesn't get turned on.
It's driving me crazy, and there's nothing I could do now.


I'm trying to be patient, I'm expecting several months to see some change... I can only hope it will improve.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: June 18, 2014, 09:48:07 AM »
Thanks everyone for  the supporting comments. This forum definitely helped me change my life.


I feel stronger than ever. Two months clean and I never felt so good.
I am clean and sure that I will never relapse.


I have light urges occasionally but I can handle them without any problems. I just think of the previous 15 years of my life that basically can go to trash thanks to porn. The boring and lonely years stuck in my room have ended. I will never be my old miserable self again. It is just incredible what I missed. Not a single day more, thank you. I have an incredible amount of anger against porn.


I started a new thread in the PIED section... The next thing to deal with.


Thanks again everyone! Good luck and I wish all the best to you!!!

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Hello all,


I'm 33 years old, and have been with my first girlfriend for about 5 months now. I occasionally had other brief relationships before, but I always quickly returned to porn. All my life has been about porn. Here's my story in details: [size=78%]http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=296.0[/size]


I first tried abstaining in January 2013, had luck for a few months, then on and off. For two months  now I haven't even touched anything.
Having her, my life changed so much, I won't ever consider consuming or touching myself again, even though I have light occasional urges.


I have a severe PIED problem. In the first two months my failure rate was above 90% with her. Since then it has dropped to 50-60%, with increasing frustration. We try 2-3 times per week in average.
In the majority of the cases there is literally zero response.


The only way to make it work is by taking a blue pill. This is something I would really like to avoid since my online source is not necessarily reliable... Although I think that this is the only way currently to rewire the system. It doesn't even help all the time.


I noticed that my penis has lost a lot of sensitivity. Touching doesn't help much. I literally cannot feel, seems numb. I remember of times before, touching was always exciting.


I'm a bit worried, I'm in a total flatline for two months now.


What can I do? What could I expect on the long term? Will it ever work as it should?
Any thoughts I would really appreciate!

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Ages 30-39 / Re: My very necessary Reboot Log
« on: May 13, 2014, 11:40:13 AM »
Hey man, I was wondering, how have your last days been?
I hope you're handling the urges well... Good luck!!

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: May 13, 2014, 11:35:41 AM »
Thanks for sharing your opinion. I have been feeling a similar way, although until this point I was afraid to accept that this could be a valid scenario. Your post was an eye opener.


She is seven years younger and comes from a very conservative southern family. This was terrifying to her and seems to me that she never had to deal with anything like this before.
Since I told her, she has been supporting and now things are back to normal. She is aware of it, keeps it in mind for sure, but we still can't talk openly about it. I guess she needs more time. I feel that she accepts me and wants to continue, and wants to make it work like this too.


I must note that I have been feeling a major change in my life. She opens up doors and I'm becoming more communicative, life feels more colorful, entertaining, vibrant. I was really distant with people before, stuck on my own little planet, and now things are changing. I feel like I'm getting my life back... It is amazing. Age 32, the first real girlfriend after a lifelong addiction.


Although I'm having more trouble with my flatline. I'm almost one month clean. I'm producing no physical response for almost two weeks by now. Even the pills don't help much.
I'm getting impatient... I hope things will come back to life soon. If I don't want to create more damage in the relationship, it must...





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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: May 07, 2014, 09:20:24 AM »
Hey all!


I have been away for quite some time but now I do have the story to tell.


So... Last week was a tough flatline again, a typical no response situation. She was getting freaked out as I was trying to avoid her approach since it was clear that things would not happen.
One night we went out, both of us got quite drunk. We ended up at her place at 2 am, she was horny as hell... and I was in the same shoes, no response. She got angry, started yelling that this is too much and she wants to know what's going on. I asked her to be patient, which she said she has been... And I understand that.
Somehow I felt like this is the moment to tell her. Be reminded we were drunk and the air was filled with stress. I was not prepared how to share this with her.  I started talking, described addiction, rewiring of the brain, etc. As I mentioned porn she started crying, she said she is disgusted and needs to think. She was having pain in the stomach from the idea, couldn't even look at me. She asked me not to tell this to my next girlfriend. Everything was perfect until this moment and I saw the magic falling into pieces in her eyes. She was asking why this had to happen to her and was crying. We discussed for a few more hours, I decided to stay and we fell asleep at 5am.
I couldn't sleep much, and when she woke up, didn't even talk to me. I felt incredibly stupid and devastated. She meant everything to me, and now these are the last minutes. Feelings were so intense I started crying. I told her I love her and asked her to discuss again and wanted to convince her that it's not such big of a deal. She told me she's not the right person for me. I told her I would do anything to make it work and that I'm convinced it's possible.
We talked all day and in the evening I saw some forgiving in her eyes. She knows I love her a lot. In the evening we hugged and there was even a kiss.
This happened two days ago. We agreed to continue but now I have to rebuild trust. I know that she is into me too but won't be patient for long.
We agreed that I will tell her if I have confidence or if I'm in a middle of a flatline. I'll get back on pills and hope to get things back on track as soon as possible. All I'm hoping now is the rewiring to happen.
The next few days were filled with emotions... I felt happy for having a huge weight off of my shoulders, it was a major relief that took multiple days to process. On the other hand I was quite worried of us, if things will work out or not.
I got so humiliated and disgusted of myself and all my history that I will never look at porn in my life again. Never this crap again.
I would be happy to hear any thoughts or recommendations! I'm not sure what would've the best strategy now... Thanks guys!

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Ages 30-39 / Re: My very necessary Reboot Log
« on: April 29, 2014, 05:38:23 AM »
Hey,


I hope things are going well for you. Keep up the good work, the urge is peaking every day in this period - I'm sure you will  be able to handle it. It's only going to get better than this.


Two thoughts: Some time ago I was away for two week in a rural area. Coming back I realized that I have much more stimulation around that I'm aware of. Upon return I got the urge from traveling on the subway and seeing a few attractive girls...even the most subtle things can drive me nuts. In my 90 day target now I'm cutting out everything possible, tv, internet, etc (and only allow focus on my girlfriend). Earlier I was not even realizing this, and now avoiding the subway has become a routine. Are you sure you cut back everything possible that would trigger a relapse?


The other thing is keeping busy. That has been working well for me. Last week I signed up for a motorcycle course and this week I'm getting the bike. Last week I had a half marathon. I'm trying to keep as busy as possible and it seems helping. All I can say is to try to keep yourself as occupied as possible...
Good luck man!

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: April 29, 2014, 05:20:19 AM »

You said in your original post " I had attachment issues, and we broke up"...if you don't mind me asking, did you have an issue of becoming TOO attached, or were scared to make an attachment?

I ask as I have had issues in the past where I have tended to become too attached to people, more so when I was younger (early twenties), though I think this was due to a general issue with confidence, and not PMO/ED.
Last few years it has been the opposite, save for one occasion (the last 'relationship' that broke down due to ED. Despite not knowing off the issues of porn, I was OK in terms of ED for several years also (on and off), before I found out about the whole PMO induced ED thing - I had other issues which made PMO emotionally painful, so having stopped due to that, I think the ED went away without me knowing why)....to the point where I wonder if I will ever find anyone that I feel attached to again.



Hey mookie, thanks for the comment.
Good question... I'm still struggling with this, and relationship dynamics in general. I was raised in an environment where all this was messed up, I had basically no good examples. I have been learning on the way, and had lots of rejections.
I really wanted to get attached, to anybody that was open... I was lonely most of my life. I got attached too easily and hurt myself most of the time.
Nowadays it's difficult to build trust. Even if I manage, it's very challenging to figure out what to expect and how much I can give. I constantly monitor my partner, friends and try to balance consciously.
All I can say is to keep an eye open and learn, discuss, maybe even tell- a few times I laid out my cards and worked...

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: April 29, 2014, 05:08:53 AM »
Sorry for being away for some time and not responding...
Things have been acceptable with my girlfriend. I'm currently in between apartments and am staying at her place, so basically we're together several hours per day.
I tried the recommendations regarding the partial ED and they did work in missionary. Thanks! I agree that building confidence and enjoying the moment together are key.
So things in order: when I met her after a week, I started with a disastrous ED. I did have a lot of stress though from different sources, and I think she kind of accepted that.
Next day I took a pill and things worked :) I was incredibly happy. Although I feel that she's not too satisfied still, as my skillset is very weak. It's clear that I have very low experience in building romance, touching in the right place, listening to her body, and even doing the thing...
Next few days, I did not want to take a pill. I'm somehow noticing that anything related to penetration has the highest risk of ED, before or during. Does anyone have experience with this? I decided to go 69 only, and it worked, both nights. Same for just playing with hands... I'm not sure why this is. It's really visible that I got wired to a selfish hands only mode in the last 15 years. I wonder how much time this will take to change.
I'm not sure how to approach this, I'm happy for any thoughts!


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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: April 22, 2014, 02:21:26 PM »
I want to add some technical details, computer stuff - maybe it will help someone!
When I managed to be clean three months straight, here is what I did. I was very upset at myself at that time.

I went to opendns.org and set up an account with very restrictive settings (not only porn, even lingerie and any adult related content). Then I took their settings and I plugged it into my home wifi router. With this all browsing on any device was filtered. Then I set up a random password for the router and the opendns account, wrote it down and gave it to a friend to keep, without any further comments. He had no clue, and put it away real deep. I asked him from time to time to give it back to me when I had to enable an accidental block, but only in sober moments.
Next I cancelled all other connections and data plans (cell phones, tablet, and so on). So I only had this single filtered internet access. It was driving me crazy, but having no access was the highest priority.

I hope this helps someone!

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Ages 30-39 / Re: My very necessary Reboot Log
« on: April 22, 2014, 02:05:40 PM »
My addiction seems similarly tough as yours... Good luck, man!
What I have been trying to do recently is to create a reflex: when I have the slightest urge, I grab my ipad, have a look at this website, and read my thread, including the intro. If that still doesn't work I go for a run, and end with a cold shower.
Looking at photos is just as bad as looking at hardcore P, since you won't be able to stop. It gets you high.
It is similar to licking off the sugar coating of a cookie when you have an eating disorder. You don't eat but gets you sky high...

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: April 22, 2014, 09:47:12 AM »
Hello everybody,
thanks, your recommendations help a huge amount.
I have been able to stay 'sober' for a few days now. I noticed that the first 2-3 days are fairly easy to stay clean; and that's when the urge hits. I'll try to keep strong as much as possible in the next days.
I'm meeting her tonight, we haven't seen each other for a week... Having sex is guaranteed, and I'm a quite stressed even to think about it. I'm feeling helpless since the ED is guaranteed, based on previous experience- the last PMO was just a few days ago.
She's going to get stressed out for sure. She doesn't have a clue how to handle ED, never seen before... and she will blame herself even though I make sure to explain that it's not her fault at all. I think she might be a bit insecure about this happpening. She becomes furious in the end, and won't even be able to touch or look at me for like half a day. Then she relaxes and things are back to normal, even accepts that she overreacted...
There's nothing much I could do, I feel clueless. I'm afraid to tell her yet.
Every time this thing happens, it feels like it damages the relationship... What should I do?

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: April 17, 2014, 08:09:25 AM »
Thanks guys for the nice words!

I have been hesitating to tell her... I'm not convinced she would take it well, the bond might not be strong enough yet. I am considering it though. If she understands and accepts, she would support for sure.

Worst of all, I'm away from her for a few days. I'm facing difficult family problems, my parents are not doing too well, and the situation is quite exhausting.
I was feeling really down and confused this morning and ended up watching P, then the full cycle came... Back to square one, I'm ashamed and feeling terrible now, like I'm cheating on her. Due to this I will not be able to have sex with her in a few days for sure when we meet again. ED is guaranteed now. I feel like I could cry. Back to day 1 tomorrow, let's see how long I can go next....
Looking back I don't even have a clue how I could have avoided this :(

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Ages 30-39 / Age 32 - the lifelong struggle
« on: April 16, 2014, 07:35:19 AM »
Hello all!

I'm hoping that this forum will give me help in my struggle with stopping porn and in learning to have a balanced love life.

My entire life has been about porn. In a nutshell I am a working professional, 32 years old, said to be handsome. I had girlfriends from time to time, although porn has always been stronger. I recently met a girl who is beyond special, and she has been driving me crazy every moment... everything is about her now. This is the point where I realized that something is really messed up. And I would do anything not to lose her. I'll write down all my thoughts... helps to see more clearly.

My parents gave me a tough time. They demonstrated support all the time, they gave us everything they could. On the other end, they hated each other, and we had to see them fight all the time. They had no clue how to care, to support emotionally; it was really messed up. In social environments I was struggling to get rid of the patterns I learnt at home, even in my mid twenties.
My father even molested me. Grabbing my junk while in the shower, surprised by touching while being half asleep, etc. It was so confusing I had no idea.

I already had many mental problems developed by the age of 14, when I first saw porn. I was very much of an introvert, with depression, anxiety and learned helplessness. Porn became a regular habit quickly, a hobby, and it allowed me to release stress.

First I saw magazines, video tapes, then in a few years the online content arrived. I developed my little world, I watched about an hour of porn per day, and masturbated to let it go. I had my favorite scenes, actresses, positions by the age of 16; while I was so scared of people that I didn't really have anyone close to me. This was my second world, where I was left in peace. We developed a relationship so strong that nothing could break it.

I looked terrible, had overweight, was completely alone. So many things were wrong that I didn't really have an idea of what is going on. At a point somehow I decided to go to therapy, and started to open up at around 23. My results were getting worse at university, and even dropped out for a year, did nothing. My porn addiction became even stronger. There was nothing but my favorite movie collection.

Out of curiosity I posted on dating sites, and met girls from time to time. First date at the age of 22. Although I wasn't really interested in having sex with anyone... porn was better. Even if we tried, ED came and was making me feel worse, and the relationship ended after some time. If I tried, it was a huge failure and misery. I decided not to even try with real girls.

Somehow I got a good job after finishing university and started to travel (age 26). Got some money, and the world opened up. Porn was still going on, but somehow I ended up with a girl. ED all the time. First time I acknowledged the problem, went to a hospital for a checkup... nothing found, they gave me viagra. Long story short, I had attachment issues, and we broke up. Back to happy porn times.

There were some other girls, but the result was all the same. Back to porn. As expected, I started consuming different topics, and my interest became more 'diverse'. Some of them even started to scare me. This was going on for multiple years.

Two years ago (age 30) I found YBOP and was shocked, read all the articles available- I decided to do a reboot. It took me about 6 months until I convinced myself to start; never managed to get through 3-4 days before.
I did 3 months when I met a girl on a dating site. It was life changing. Things were working on an acceptable level, we had great fun for a few months. Following the separation I returned to porn immediately. After half a year I convinced myself again, but didn't really work... I ended up watching soft stuff, images, I tried to keep the stimulation as low as possible. In the end, nothing changed, back to porn.

Three months ago I met a girl, and she is special. I feel confident with her, and she supports me. At this moment she is the most important in my life. I love her and would do anything to be with her. She is a couple of years younger, we work in the same field, and we really complement each other. I can feel open with her, we have no secrets except this, we share similar interests, taste, lifestyle, etc. She just changed my life.

I am afraid to tell her anything... Most of the time I have been having the worst flatline ever. We had successful sex a very few times, and the many failures are building up a lot of stress. She has no idea why all this happens, and has varied reactions to it. Even if I get an erection, it is not good enough, and lasts a short time. I feel that she really wants me, and this must work. I don't know what to do. I tried different kinds of pills- even with cialis many times I had no luck. It feels numb, like there is no stimulation down there at all, even though I really want her.

I decreased my consumtion as much as I could, although soft content is still there. My addiction is too strong, I can't deal with it, there is no stop. I can manage with pictures only, but there must be something. I feel like I am cheating on her, and there's nothing I can do. The helplessness is still there...

I feel that my relationship with porn is just too strong to overcome and I don't even know how to approach this. She gives me hope in a better life. I want to do this more like anything else, but I am afraid that she will leave me if things don't work out over time. She is still patient, but it will not last forever... I want to be with her like nothing else in this world. This is where I am today.

I would like to say thanks to anyone who read my post. I am happy to elaborate, and would be more than excited to receive any comments or recommendations!




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