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Messages - freefromwinternight

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: July 10, 2015, 03:29:27 PM »
I can only make it for 5 or 7 day bursts before a relapse. Pattern for about three weeks now.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: June 23, 2015, 11:17:50 PM »
At the three-day mark again. I don't know if I edged or not, but as soon as I realized I was edging, I stopped, if that counts. I'm not resetting my counter over that, it doesn't seem worth it.

@presson: I have disclosed my struggle with a therapist and someone else. I told my therapist at the midway point of my last streak. The someone else I quit telling about it because I got tired of telling her and I got too embarrassed because something that supposed to be a 'temporary' thing definitely is not temporary. I don't know what she thinks I'm doing anymore because I just stopped talking about it with her. (Note: Not my GF, not even my age - older female adult that I trust). My therapist isn't that great, to be completely frank, but she's had a ton of male clients come to her about their own struggles with PMO addiction so she wasn't fazed about mine. (I think she suspected for a while before I told her, actually.) At any rate, neither personal connection seems to help.

As for SAA, I would rather stay away from them for as long as possible, no offense to present company meant, of course. I have an addiction to Internet porn; from what I've read, that doesn't make me a sex addict. Maybe I'm just rationalizing this, that is entirely possible, but it comes down to this: I just don't want to go.

Prayer is a touchy thing for me. My belief in God has been shaken by this whole experience; praying has seemed like an extended version of talking to myself for a while now. I could be wrong, but it doesn't seem to help anyway because I keep going back, so what difference does it make?

@toreador: It's funny, because I was on the verge of edging back into PMO just now, and I realized I wasn't feeling horny - I was feeling afraid. Terrified, actually. Of what?

I think I'm most afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I'm pretty socially awkward; good-looking enough, but probably not pants-wetting good-looking, if you catch my drift; very introverted; goes out of his way to avoid people most of the time; I also have a thing about noise and crowds which doesn't help.

In short, I'm terrified I'm destined to be excluded from the vast majority of the human race that has sex. Hell, every time a woman so much as brushes her hand against me, it generates this surge of electric sensation that almost makes me shiver with longing. How am I supposed to handle that kind of torture and remain confined to singlehood? I don't know how to surmount this. I'm afraid that I'm just an evolutionary dead end; a collection of useless genes undeserving of procreation and fit only to die out, removing my flawed characteristics from the gene pool so other, better-suited men can spread theirs around.

I think that's what I'm afraid of the most and that's the main reason why I am continually drawn back into PMO. The logic goes like this: If I'm destined to be single forever, I might as well watch porn, since that's the closest I'm ever going to get anyway.

Except it doesn't work. It actually makes the pain of being single worse because all the connection I could ever want is locked away behind a computer screen that I cannot go through or get around. Hence the agony.

Sorry about the long post.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: June 20, 2015, 10:39:35 PM »
Oh my God, I am so fucking tired of this shit! How many times do I have to hit this point to realize that porn DOESN'T WORK?!

It just makes me feel like shit afterwards, my dick literally hurts sometimes from fapping, I have to put on a brave face and lie by omission to my family and friends, etc. etc. fucking etc.


What is it? What do I have to do? I don't care anymore. I'M SICK OF LIVING IN THE SHADOWS.

I'm tall, I'm reasonably good-looking (I think, anyway), I'm exercising consistently (FINALLY! gents - get a partner for exercise, it really works a lot better), I'm going to school, yeah. YES, my life has been far from perfect - I have made so many mistakes that I probably cannot count them all. I have hung those mistakes like a million tiny millstones around my neck. Maybe there isn't a God, maybe there is - I don't the fuck know. I can forgive myself. I can't ask forgiveness from all the people I have hurt (no, not criminally - just from being an immature asshole) because I don't know where they are and that would take too long.

How long do I want to keep doing this to myself? HOW LONG? Maybe it will stop tonight.

The saddest part about this? If I had a GF, I would not want to shotgun videos of our sex life across the Internet AT ALL. Guess what I get off to the most? Yep, private videos on reddit or some other site.

I am so tired of this shit. I want this to stop. I don't know if I can make myself stop. I don't want to feel like a lying asshole anymore. For two fucking years I have played the 'pretend to be over it' game. THE HELL WITH THIS.

Sorry for the rant.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: June 20, 2015, 10:25:39 PM »
This time is different from the other times I have relapsed.

Previous times, I would realize that I was doing something wrong or feel guilty or something by PMO'ing multiple times a day and stop, which would turn into streaks.

That's not happening this time. I don't feel guilt. I feel shame, which is different, but that actually feeds the beast. I have this constant stream of negative thoughts flowing through my head: "This is the best you'll ever get." "No one will ever want to have sex with you." "No one will like you if they discover you watch porn." "You filthy hypocrite." "You disgusting pervert." "Who would ever want to be a fucking loser with no life like you?"

On and on and on.

I can't seem to make it beyond 24-hours to three days. It doesn't seem to affect the rest of my life much; I can still think and reason and live like normal (what counts as normal for me, anyway).

I don't know what to do. I feel pretty helpless to stop it right now. Anyone who reads this: What's the most unlikely thing you have done to break free that actually ended up working? The craziest thing? The most extreme thing? I'll take anything except public humiliation at this point.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: June 17, 2015, 12:07:55 AM »
Drat. Three days.

Well, that means I can make three days and beyond this time.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: June 16, 2015, 09:24:07 PM »
Three days gone. Again.

Now for six.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: June 14, 2015, 12:33:22 PM »
Finally made it through 24 hours.

Now to get through three days.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: June 11, 2015, 10:30:42 PM »
Wow. This is going well. Cannot make it through the first 24 hours.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: June 10, 2015, 01:22:50 PM »
Okay, today might be the day. Looked at P, but lost interest in MO'ing to it during the session. I don't know whether I'm genuinely horny for a real, live lady or horny for the images on my screen. I should probably worry about not being able to tell the difference, but at this point, I just don't fucking care, because I don't think I'm ever getting laid anyway.

I'm re-starting my counter.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: June 06, 2015, 01:19:26 AM »
@DayByDay: I was going on willpower on my last 76-day streak, and it was working well, until it wasn't anymore. My binge is winding down, I think tomorrow will be the start of my next attempt to get clean.

@mtaha205: Thanks.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: June 03, 2015, 11:59:51 AM »
This is not going well. I have been binging for the past two or three days and I can't seem to stop. I hacked my way through K9, as I always do. I might have to get rid of my computer completely and use computers in public spaces if I want to stop. Or at least only use it in public spaces, but that raises the issue of it still being in my possession. I'll have to get rid of it. Which still leaves me in an awkward position.

I wish I had never discovered porn. I got rid of my tracker. I'll re-start it once I can go 24 hours without PMO.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: May 31, 2015, 11:14:20 PM »
So now I installed K9.


This time, I used Yahoo Mail, which apparently makes you call customer service to recover a lost password, thank fucking God.

Maybe this time I won't be able to hack around it.

Still edged this morning. K9 isn't perfect.

P.S. Sorry, presson, I forgot that you had offered me a backup email address. In the heat of the moment, it's hard to remember things like that. Sorry again.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: May 30, 2015, 09:54:07 PM »
Too late.

First relapse in 76 days.

I knew it was going to happen as soon as I came home from work, which was at a wedding. Could not handle the feels. Just couldn't.

And now I'm back to zero.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: May 29, 2015, 07:55:59 PM »
Ok, I'm in trouble. I'm on the verge of relapsing and having to reset my counter. I've been MO'ing at least three times today and yesterday, each time while searching for sexual stuff, not P, online. (Do erotic stories count as P? If so, I have to reset my counter already.)

I need help. I need a favor from someone on here. That someone needs to create two email address accounts. DO NOT even tell me what service you use to create the second one. That second one will be known to you and you alone. That second email address will serve as the first's backup when prompted when you create the first email. I'm sorry if this seems overly complex, but I have no choice if I want to stay the course. I WILL figure out how to get around the barrier of multiple email accounts - I have before. I cannot possibly figure out how to get past the email barriers if I do not even know the existence of the second one serving as the backup for the first.

Here's how this will work, step-by-step:

1) Create a gmail or yahoo or some other webmail account. Again, DO NOT TELL ME WHAT SERVICE YOU USE.

2) Create a second gmail or yahoo or some other webmail account. This one I need to know so I can set it as the backup email for K9. Use this one as the backup for the email account in step 1).

3) I will install K9 on my laptop, using the email address from step 2) as the backup. (NOT THE EMAIL ADDRESS FROM STEP ONE. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT THAT IS.)

4) Once I have configured the settings, I will use a long, complicated password that I have no hope of ever figuring out. I will clear the copy-paste clipboard from my computer so I can't cheat using that.

5) Once I have cleared the clipboard, there should be no way that I can ever access the K9 settings so I can get around them.

That should do it. I'm sorry to ask this of you guys, but I will relapse again. Soon. I can feel it coming and I do not want to go there.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: May 26, 2015, 05:36:02 PM »
And now the chaser effect reminds me of why MO'ing is still a bad idea, regardless of P or not.

My junk is tingly, even more sensitive to stimulation than last night, and feels 'full' somehow, like it could 'blast off' at any moment. Definitely discomforting.

I'll probably get a second counter for M just in case.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: May 26, 2015, 08:54:06 AM »
I sort-of edged yesterday with some stuff online. I didn't full-out relapse.

What I did do is MO last night, once before I went to sleep.

The last few days have seen an upsurge in energy. I must have walked almost 10 miles cumulatively, in addition to crunches, lifting weights, etc. I feel good - and THIS is what makes me horny and vulnerable to relapse. I don't relapse when I feel bad, otherwise I would have in the midst of all that depressive crap I wrote recently.

MO'ing last night felt awesome - I was so sensitive that it took maybe <30 secs to finish and had a huge O. However, it did ruin hard mode for me. No PMO, but MO is 2 out of 3. I don't know if I should reset my counter or not. No temptation to relapse today so far.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: May 08, 2015, 12:13:18 PM »
54 days in and really pissed off.

Bitter. Snape-like levels of bitter. And angry. And cynical. Feel like giving a giant finger to the world and yelling 'FUCK OFF' at the top of my lungs to anyone in close enough range.

Ugly. Prickly. Lonely. Horny. I hate this creature that lives in my crotch and demands sex, then fills me with bitterness when it doesn't get it. Would I even like or enjoy sex? I don't know, because I'm still a virgin! What's the point in thinking that sex is supposed to be something special when no one ever thinks I'm special enough to give it to?!

I am warped and twisted. I still haven't relapsed, because that's worse than this.

God, just so fucking bitter. How many years have I wasted? The first 24? I try not to focus on that, but they overshadow me whether I focus on them or not. 24 years of wasting my time, my semen and my energy on things other than real life, living in the shade of someone else's delusions, making them my own, and then wondering why the real world doesn't match up.

I have no long-term friends. I run from the ones I try to make because I'm such a fucking emotional coward. I think tearing people down is funny, and the scary thing is I don't know how much I do that.

Wah, wah wah, went the giant baby in the corner. Fuck everything - I'm at 54 days and that's what fucking matters.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: April 25, 2015, 11:12:15 AM »
40 days. 40 days in the wilderness? Nope - going for the rest of my life. (Self-pleasure/addiction wilderness? HELL YES. Sexual wilderness? Hopefully not for the rest of my life.) 40 days.

It seems the longer I stay away from this stuff, the more I know myself better in terms of likes/dislikes.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: April 22, 2015, 05:29:56 PM »
By the way, in the past when I have installed K9, I would use a separate email account for the K9 password so that I couldn't change or delete it, blah blah blah. Short story is I was able to bypass that hurdle because Gmail lets you recover a password if you know the date the account was created, which I obviously knew. That's how my last two attempts at using K9 have failed.

I need a favor from someone, and this sounds like I'm taking this way too seriously, but IMHO, you can't take this too seriously. I need someone to create two email accounts, one for me to send the K9 password to, and another one that is the backup account for the first one (because most email accounts require a second email address in case you forget [or don't want to remember] the password). Don't tell me even what service the second account uses just in case. I can't do K9 on my own because I'm smart and can probably bypass whatever I come up with. However, I can't bypass what I don't know, so could someone please help with this? I do not want to relapse again. Thanks so much.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: April 22, 2015, 05:17:19 PM »
I'm in danger of relapsing. No fantasies, little guy is stone cold but could still happen. I feel the 'antsy' coming back if that makes any sense. My brain craves the release, even though I know it's bad for me. I even caught myself googling stuff about how to use okcupid for casual sex. I didn't even know there were reddit threads for this kind of stuff before now! I'm trying to stay

I'm going to another social event tonight. Hopefully that will take my mind off of this. (Also, I don't know why voiding helps the antsy-ness go away, but I'm glad it does.)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: April 20, 2015, 11:15:00 PM »
The social event tonight went well. I made decent conversation with the people there . . . and got a dinner date for next week. :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: April 20, 2015, 04:41:49 PM »
This is what keeps going through my mind: "It doesn't matter how social you are, because you're not attractive and you'll never be attractive. Sure, other guys that look like you get girls, but they're not YOU. YOU will never have sex or have anyone love you that is your age and even remotely compatible, so STOP TRYING AND ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE. You will only EVER have sex with girls that beautiful in your head - don't even think about experiencing it in real life."

This is what my addiction wants me to believe.

(I don't even want girls that beautiful in real life. WTF?)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: April 20, 2015, 03:01:24 PM »
Thanks, presson. I'm going to a social event tonight that I haven't been to in a few weeks. Hopefully the girl I saw there a few weeks ago will still be there, probably not. (I'm pretty much focused like a laser on meeting women.)

I don't think I made it clear last night that the terror was a symptom itself; I wasn't afraid of the symptoms by any means, I actually welcome them.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: April 19, 2015, 11:00:01 PM »
I can't sleep - I have pretty serious withdrawal symptoms. Sexual fantasies/thoughts started appearing in my head as I was in my bed awake and trying to go to sleep. I was at full-on boner within seconds. Now I'm shivering even though I'm not cold; hell, I was sweating and experiencing a lot of heat when I was under the sheet a few moments ago. I'm even more awake. Emotionally, I feel scared, terrified actually. I've never experienced these symptoms like this before. During a relapse months ago, I shook when I started looking for porn on the Internet again; I've read that's common because it's like a drug addict getting a fix again. I'm not planning on relapsing again tonight, I'm posting this on here in the hopes that will get this out in the open, so to speak. Still shaking and breathing hard.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting over (again)
« on: April 19, 2015, 08:35:10 PM »
I am constantly amazed at how everyone talks about meeting people and meeting women like it's so damn normal. It's a big deal for me if I have a successful conversation with someone, let alone go on a date with them. And this is largely due to my addiction, which has fed into my introverted tendencies and which my introverted tendencies have subsequently reinforced. I don't know where to start sometimes because it seems as if I have missed learning all the cues that other, normal, people learn growing up because they AREN'T addicted to porn.

And I also know that all of the above is bullshit because I have been social before on many different occasions, with varying degrees of success. (Never sexual, though.) I just don't damn want to 75% of the time, and I don't know how to make myself want to. I invest all this time into people and then I just give up and walk away because I lose all motivation for talking to them. Not necessarily because of porn, but just because: It just wilts away like a plant no matter how much I try to water it. And I have lost several people as friends because of this tendency. I don't know how to change it. I also don't know how porn fits into this, although it seems likely that porn has made this worse over the years. At the very least, it hasn't helped.

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