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Messages - Austin93

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Ages 20-29 / About me, and my story. (Beginning of Journal)
« on: March 03, 2015, 07:33:31 PM »
Hi there,
My name is Austin and I have been struggling with porn and masturbation for over 8 years, up until the last 3 years it never seemed to be a “big issue” but 3 years ago it became a compulsive addiction and I have been struggling to kick this habit and this new found hell for a while now and I am seeking the help and motivation of others. Here’s little bit of my story:
When I was in middle school and Jr High, I was very really lost because I didn’t really know where my life was taking me, it felt like I was riding on this train that seems to be derailing. When I was younger (11yo) I was diagnosed with clinical Ocd. I have always dwelled on things and seeked approval from other people and took what they said to heart.  I was bullied for over 3 years to a pretty severe extent, I never provoked it, and honestly a lot of people wouldn’t think that it was happening to me because I was so “normal” my parents weren’t poor, and they weren’t rich, I had nice clothes, I didn’t look bad, I wasn’t morbidly obese, nor was I real skinny. I wasn’t an asshole, and tend to be quite the people person and got along with most people. SO no it didn’t make sense.

For a while I thought I was gay, I started having these feelings, and swore that’s what it was, but I also liked girls so that made no sense. I watched porn, and tried to rate the orgasms and excitement to the different types of porn (Gay or Straight) to help determine if I leaned one way or another. That was the most self-destructive thing I could have possibly done. I didn’t grow up in a household that was really Gay friendly, most of my family is very religious and I thought if I was gay that I was just going to go to hell so why pray or go to church? Everything In my life was upside down, and the train I felt I was on was just getting started and speeding up towards a place with no destination but a wreckage somewhere down the line.
I was treated for Ocd, but the medications weren’t 100% effective, and a lot of it remained and I learned to deal with it. I also started experiencing a lot of depression, and wanted to feel different even for a minute. So I struggled with drugs, alcohol and porn because I was so lost those took away some of the pain temporarily but in the long run it was only digging this hole even further into hell.

I realized that my mind was constantly running thought from thought, something that seemed to never have an end unless I was sleeping. I used porn a lot to escape. It got worse and worse every year I used it more often, the stuff I was viewing was more graphic and much more centered. I used Gay porn even while in a relationship with a girl because over time it became my preference. Living with Ocd I have learned many times that not every thought or feeling is at all what it may seem.  I used Gay porn more often because in straight porn it was always so acted out and cheesy,  so I often used gay porn instead.
My now (Wife) knows about my life, she knows about my past, she knows about everything to do with these issues and to what extent. It nearly ruined us, but we have worked through it, and I have been trying to change this for 3 years at least with only a few days most being 28 days between relapses. I use the same bullshit excuses we all do, and say “just one page” ect but then after it becomes a full blown issue we start the decline “coming down” which makes us feel like we failed, makes us feel hopeless and not completely in control at  times this is normally where the guilt kicks in, and all those “this is the last time” plans that always seems to fail because we are the ones in charge of the plan to change, when we are in charge we will manipulate that plan to fit our addictions or compulsions.  It's a never ending cycle that only gets us days, or even hours at a time between relapse. We through all of our responsibilities to the wind, end up being late to places, and the guilt carries on. Unfortunately for myself I know that the “guilt” feeling will subside by the next morning and that “Want and desire” for change will have subsided and It all happens again in a day or two, or even the next day. It’s like I forgot the feeling of hell, like amnesia or something and do it all over again.
 I would always half ass my plans for change, over the course of these last few years my depression has increased 2 fold, and I lost my drive, motivation, self-worth, care ect.  In conclusion I lost every part of myself that was good, and this is one of the biggest things to blame. Sex with my wife has lost the pleasure it used to have, and masturbation is only good sometimes. I have literally lost almost all of myself, and the only thing I haven’t lost was the ability to get an erection but they weren’t as strong or as good in duration as before.  Thanks to desensitization.
I learned about a year ago that there was something called “HOCD” well would you look at that, an answer to something I have been feeling for years. The only way that I could put myself and my mind to rest was to just claim “Bisexuality” because that was the only thing that made sense, why I thought guys were attractive and questioned sex with a guy (mainly from the porn I was viewing) because in the end I married a female. I was OK with the fact that if I was gay, I was gay no big deal. It just never felt right, there was so much doubt there about both I figured by saying I was bisexual and saying well I choose to spend my life with this person who happens to be a female was just the way it is. That was the only justification I could come up with for why I felt the way I did and watched what I watched.  When I read about HOCD It's like a burden lifted off my chest, and I realized that my Ocd had once again been affecting me and I didn’t even know it.

My wife and I have this amazing little 2yo daughter that is like my whole world, and I want to change, and keep my promises. There are days I feel like I honestly have no power or motivation to change. I guess that’s why I am here, to share my story and hope it’s helpful to someone else and they can help give me some motivation by their story, and their personal experiences. I really want to change this all, and start over with my life without Porn, and the negative thoughts it has lead me to believe. It's like now that I have been journeying on this derailing train, and I can see that I am getting closer to the wreckage, I know It's time to jump and starting tomorrow March 4th 2015 (since It's half way through the day) not a justification for a bad day today though, I want to make the jump and leave this in the past. I know it won’t be easy and this is the first time making a real leap, I have never shared any part of my story with anyone but my wife and I hope by participating in this community it will help guide me to recovery that I can’t give to myself on my own.
I will be committing to a 60 day reboot, and blogging daily about progress, or times of struggle of setback. In the past I have started over if I messed up, and this time if something happens I will blog about it, what happened, and how I can avoid it next time. It looks like on here we help each other, and support each other. I hope my story has helped if someone is going through the same thing.

Ps:Please understand that even though in my story I married a female, that doesn’t mean I became homophobic, I am very accepting because I have been there, and I know what it feels like. Love is love at the end of the day and It's no one’s place to judge, we aren’t here to talk about what’s right or wrong with our story we are here to discuss why we fell into this trap of Lust is lust, and how to get back to where things are about love, and real relationships again. Helping to patch up the mistakes from the past.
Thank you for anyone who took the time to read this. Please excuse any spelling, or grammar mistakes!

Austin.  :)

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