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Messages - Chaos Mind

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Alcohol makes you relapsed
« on: April 11, 2017, 01:14:43 AM »
No matter how you put it: alcohol is a neurotoxin. It has many unwanted side-effects. Whenever you stay away from alcoholic beverages for a longer period of time, you will realize positive changes in your life. Less headache, better concentration, balanced water economy in your body, improved disgestion, nicer skin ...


Of course it is fun to sit with friends and have a beer or two. Most of us do this from time to time. But just like the PMO thing, alcohol can get out of control when it is "abused" in the literal sense, meaning that you use the substance to solve a problem in your life. Then it is time to recover and get back to start.


Wish you best of luck for your TWO challenges. But as you said: tackling one problem will help you a lot with the other one.

2
Ages 20-29 / I am stronger than this!
« on: April 10, 2017, 09:06:08 AM »
Hi all,


this is the story of a man that felt so proud for making it at his first attempt. My history of rebooting the p-infected brain startet in December 2014. From this day on I declared myself free of this crap that we all feel guilty of. Forced my will and challenged my temptation - but won every fight I fought. Experienced no relapse for nearly one year. So when it first started again I told myself "I can deal with this. I will find a balance. I am more careful now". And for the last two years it seemed like I really could manage this. Sometimes it bacame too much so I just decided to cut it back a little and like this I kept on living.


I don't really know when I let it slip again. But all of a sudden I found that I did not really get hard anymore with my girlfriend for more than 2 weeks. She was ready but I wasn't. I had excuses and more excuses and she always showed sympathy for me. She is the best person that could ever happen to me. She needs the sex so much but she would accept so many times that I couldn't give her what she wanted.


Why reboot now? Because last time I could feel that she was disappointed for me letting her down again. I always need 1 - 3 days to recover from my binges. My libido gets stronger in that time, but I need to wait until "he" works properly again. Today is a good day. Sun is shining and I woke with only the best  plans for today. Instead I turned on my computer. I ignored all the warning signs and the siren that went off in my brain. I was online 6 hours straight and now I feel dizzy and totally worn out. I skipped work and need to lie to my co-workers. My gf will come home from work soon and I have nothing to give to her but a blurry mind and the hell of a bad conscience.


That's not how I want to be. This is not going to get any better without me changing things. I have to deal with the fact that at the moment it controls me. But I want to control it. I know I can do it, because I already did it last time.


- I will stay away from any erotic chats
- I will not answer any mails from my online contacts that would always persuade me into coming back to them (because they themselves are addicts - fact!)
- I will not have to lie to my wonderful girlfriend anymore and I will enjoy the feeling of natural lust whenever WE feel like it and not whenever my libido feels like it
- I will participate in this community and help others to achieve their goals
- I will be honest to myself and others


Thanks.

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Getting back to life
« on: October 06, 2015, 12:57:27 AM »
Hey jkkk,

I am sorry that I did not show up in the last couple of weeks at all. I found that I had to force my way into this forum more often while pondering about the sense in doing that. I know how the brain changes after all this time of no porn. I accidently saw a p-picture on the net and it struck me. I felt like I was a child having seen something truly forbidden. To me, that's a good sign. Just don't let it become a part of your world again and I'm sure you'll make it. Never forget all the improvements you've experienced! The grass on your side of the fence is also very green, you know ;)

Good luck!

4
Porn Addiction / Re: What a trigger day...
« on: July 30, 2015, 11:41:25 AM »
You got the main point. What you experienced today was really good!

+ You changed the channel TWICE instead of calling it "just a scene"
+ You turned off the TV when you noticed it was doing no good
+ Met up with your friends insteed (1 month ago you'd have spent the day masturbating)
+ noticed naked body and felt arousal!

These are all GREAT achievements dude! I don't see a problem with the tingling down your belly. You don't have to supress the positive emotions that come with real life arousal. The only thing that could ruin such a great day would be you giving in and destroying it all by PMO'ing in the evening. Be happy and glad for what happened today. Don't surrender though, so the next day you can be super proud of yourself.

Keep it up!

5
Porn Addiction / Re: Day 6
« on: July 28, 2015, 12:05:03 PM »
I encourage you to start a journal in the section of your age. Keep us and yourself updated about the status of your emotions. It helps a lot, believe me.

6 days is a good way to start for sure. But even if you notice positive changes, don't believe that the addiction is all over. It takes weeks, months, maybe years. It is a lifetime project. You need to accept that. So whatever may come...no matter how strong your headaches will be - always remember why you are doing this. Be aware that you will never ever ever again watch porn in your life.

6
You totally got the point! Sure, looks matter. They do and no one shall ever deny that. But this is not a straight-forward thing! You said goodbye to many clichées and actually encounter the complete variety of "attraction". It's hard to explain, but...do you know these women who always seem to try soo hard to look good and do everything right? I know some women who seem to have this habit of always persueing perfection. There is not a single step they walk, not a single word they say, not a single gesture they make, which comes unintended. I hate that. Or at least I don't find that attractive. There are very hot women who are aware of their sexiness and play with it, but they allow themselves to behave that way naturally. That's fine to me, too. But there are even plenty of women who might be considered average looking, but - wow, they have this radiation! Self confidence and a little bit of "I don't give a s*** if you think I'm hot or not". THAT behaviour is irresistable to me. But I needed to quit porn in order to realize that.

While under the influence of porn world, it is 95% determined what turns you on and what not. The tons of categories might imply that there is a variety of tastes, but that's bullshit. It's always the same stereotype. Porn world happens in a little droplet that pretends to be an ocean. Once you leave the droplet you realize what "taste" actually means.

And now to the good news: imagine you are a nice acting, average looking woman. From year to year the interest from other men has decreased. You feel bad and think it's you who changes. So you think about getting new clothes, dress up like a hooker and wear tons of make up - just to get some attention. Even friendly men seem to only be interested in you when you are half naked. But you wear a mask and you hate it. And then, finally! There is that guy. The one who looks at you and smiles and you realize he looks beneath your skin. He actually sees you as a person. And he likes you the way you are. This guy is YOU. Because YOU quit porn and came back to the living. I know this sounds pathetic and I may over-react here a little, but you get the point, don't you? Guys like you and me are going to have it so much easier when coming in touch with the other sex. Because unlike many others we know how to deal with ladies and that being appreciated as a human being is the most important for any of us.

7
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Intimacy Anorexia
« on: July 28, 2015, 11:39:45 AM »
So you are saying that he is on recovery and your sexual intimacy has improved. Why are you feeling like "starving" just now as things are getting better? Shouldn't you feel the optimism for a brighter future now? Sorry if it seems naive to ask, it just seems I don't quite get your point.

8
Porn Addiction / Re: MO does lead to PMO
« on: July 27, 2015, 05:54:47 PM »
Quote
@Chaos Mind: You make some good points and I realize now that saying "MO leads to PMO" is not entirely correct. I think most people have made a strong association between masturbation and porn but if you are able to remove that connection MO could be something completely different. I'm curious though if you MO'd throughout your reboot or if you waited for a certain period of time (ie. "hard-mode") before starting MO?

Honestly, I never really was in hard mode. I actually don't like to admit that because I don't want to make people think hard mode was an overestimated thing. It's definitively not. I've heard of many cases were this was the only solution that worked. But in many ways, my recover is different to what I read here. I think the key is that I quit before porn could actually destroy me. I had some minor problems of PIED, but I did not suffer as bad as many others here do. Still I consider myself an addict because I too was going through hell when trying to quit for good. I think after I made the decision to stop I didn't masturbate for a month or so. Not because I refused to, but because I somehow didn't find it appealing to. I had no visual stimulation so it just didn't sound so fun. Then the fantasies began and I felt like MO'ing, but as soon as I touched myself I could feel the desire floating all through my body and I realized I musn't give in to these thoughts. So I read about masturbating to pure fantasies and wondered if it was possible. And, what can I say...it's like meditation. It is very hard for your mind not to drift off. And it's hard to draw a line. For example: when I see a hot girl on the street I may not think about her when masturbating. Because the fantasie would be like: she stops by, says something filthy and we get it on. Which is far away from reality. But I actually thought about my girlfriend and how gentle she always is and was. Or I just touch myself and feel my nerves tingling. I climaxed several time to no fantasy at all...just the feeling of my own touch. As soon as tainted fantasies pop in, I stop immediately.

9
No clue about any chemical reactions and mental responses to changing levels of neurotransmittants. But I do indeed experience that my addictions are connected in some ways. I'd say the mutual factor is "erosion of willpower". I changed my diet a few months after quitting porn and for the first time in years it showed reasonable success! My willpower was strong because I WANTED to quit porn and so quitting other habits felt comparably easy. But: whenever I surrendered to chocolate and co., I immediately felt my urge for porn coming back to me. My mind spoke to me: "you relapsed on that project, so you might as well check out some erotic chat rooms - look for some former friends, you know...just saying". Always remember that relapsing at two projects does not make the two bads cancel each other out, but rather multiply in terms if the guilt you'll feel.

10
Porn Addiction / Re: Can anyone relate?
« on: July 26, 2015, 06:56:11 AM »
I think the problem here is the constant failures you had. Relapsing is one thing. Relapsing over and over and over again is another.
No one can keep the spark up for his entire life - always fighting the windmills. If there is no serious improvement, the temptation is bound to win the battle at least every other time.

So the main question is: where is the error in your system. Something you do is wrong. The way you recover does not work. First you need to accept it: your intentions were good, but the way you tried to achieve them wasn't quite so.

My answer to your question is: draw a line. A thick thick line. You don't need another "this time it's going to work, I am sure!"-thought. It's just not gonna happen and I don't say that to insult you. Let me encourage you to change something. Problem is: WHAT do you need to change? What's your mistake? To find out, you'd need to dig very very deep into your subconscious mind. You'd need to dive into dark thoughts and feelings, opening up cages whose keys you threw away long ago. You'd need to think different, follow new paths, try new things. One last hint: ask yourself what direction it is that sounds least appealing to you. This might be the right way to go finally. Like for example "nah, Facebook is DEFINITIVELY not the problem". Because what you really mean is "no way I am going to quit membership at facebook - this is my LIFE! I just CAN'T quit".

Find new ways and you'll find new hope. And don't believe the people who say "relapse? Yeah...happens". No, it does not happen. When you start this over again, failure is not an option anymore. And you'll do everything you can to make that shit stop, or the shit will stop you!


11
Porn Addiction / Re: MO does lead to PMO
« on: July 26, 2015, 06:48:25 AM »
I say: it depends on (1) the person (i.e. his background and predisposition) and (2) the way you masturbate. If you MO while having porn fantasies then how should your mind tell if the images are seen or made up? The effect is nearly the same and that's the problem. On the other hand, touching yourself and feeling what it means to love yourself can in fact help you recover. I MO like once every week and I am 100+ days into no PMO. Not a single relapse. MO and PMO for me have become two very different things, BUT that only works because I made it two separate procedures. I don't follow the sensitive pathways, I don't "give in". I do it when I feel love instead of lust.

Many people have reported that MO lead them back to PMO, so I am fine with saying "you shouldn't do it - there is a serious risk of destryoing all your current success!". But I disagree with the statement "MO leads to PMO".

12
Porn Addiction / Re: Emotions?
« on: July 17, 2015, 03:28:30 AM »
It's hard to tell, because all the positive effects become normal at some point. Do I feel more emotions than before? I remember living behind a grey haze most of the day after long sessions of PMO. That stopped of course. At the beginning I felt all free and overwhelmed by the great step I'd taken. But after time this situation becomes just normal. And you realize that quitting porn is only ONE step to a better self. It's not the soloution of all problems, but it's the kick-off you will need.

I'd definitively say you will become more mentally stable. And you will feel things...differently. There will me more shades of colors in your life - more than just "happy" & "sad" or "angry" & "friendly".

If you want my honest opinion about it: I do not wake up every morning, thinking "how wonderful is a life without PMO!". Just, the thought does not occur anymore. The good life has become all normal, so I don't realize the benefits all the time anymore. BUT...when I think back to last year (the zenith of my addiction) I shiver and I think: "never ever going back into the dark hole!".

13
Porn Addiction / Re: successful reboot and migraines
« on: July 16, 2015, 01:16:33 AM »
To me it's the other way round. Hours of PMO caused severe headaches. When I stopped they suddenly disappeared. Maybe you need to look for another reason...

14
It's hard to draw the line. I was into shemales and stuff, too. At that time I was craving to get this experience, but I was afraid to do it :-/
Today I still feel like maybe I am going to try it one day. Not the "I NEED to do that soon!" thing. Just call it an item of my bucket list.

15
I don't see a problem with you two having sex. But I am very surprised about the libido this man seems to have. Sex daily with the woman he loves, porn abuse PLUS cravings for other women. That's unusual and most of the times it's the girlfriend who gets the least attention in the end. Still there is a problem and it's great that the two of you try to fix it.

I can totally see how any neutral discussion about his abuse turns into a fight. It's a sensitive topic. This is how men react when confronted with any kind of weakness. It's as if he was in a fight with another man and lost it badly...and you keep reminding him about his defeat. That's just how it feels...constant failure. Good will -> temptation -> surrender -> bad conscience. Men don't like to talk about losing. They like to radiate victory and success through all their pores. That doesn't mean it's a bad idea to talk about it. In a relationship, some things need to be different. He doesn't have to confess to other people. Just to you. Once he realizes how caring you are and that you don't blame him but want to help him (plus that it's your only chance as a couple together) things might improve. Once he realizes that he lets you down every time he PMOs, no matter if you notice or not, then he's on the right track. I know this is difficult and troublesome, but keep bothering him. Not the "oh my...did you do it again you prick!?" confrontation. Just the notice. Make him talk to you. Make him explain to you what he feels, why he feels and what he things how YOU feel about it.

To your actual problem: on a reboot, everybody notices different changes. But it seems to be quite common that at first our mind gets the dopamine kick by imagining things (mental porn as a substitute). Once it notices that it doesn't get its fix anyway, he enters flatline. At least that's what most people experience. This might also affect your sex life...it could be that he feels exhausted and doesn't like to have sex. If this happens - take it as a positive sign. Just wanted to warn you.

If he was registered here, asking for help, I'd tell him to not let his mind picture the other women to much. Being horny is ok - it's hard not to. But it's another thing to allow the fantasies. It's like: you can't change the way a pizza smells when you are nearly starving but may not eat. But you can keep yourself from stopping and taking a deep breath while imagining how you have a bite. Just notice "oh, cool, pizza" and leave the kitchen. I hope you get the transfer ;)

16
And how do you feel about it? How does "LIFE" feel after breaking the chains and shaking off the dust from your clear mind? :)

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Getting back to life
« on: July 09, 2015, 12:20:38 AM »
Hey jkkk, could it be that you are fighting on two fronts at the moment? That job thing is clearly pulling you down. The flat might even be a third one, but that enemy is gonna surrender anyway soon, so that will be a "check" soon.

But what happened at your company? I remember you used to be quite satisfied with your work, but lately it's been giving you a really hard time, hasn't it? I hope this is going to be better soon. Maybe you are approaching a fork and need to decide which path to take. They say that everything happens for a reason. I do not believe in destiny (nor in God), but I do believe that our own actions have more impact on the events in our life than we think. Sometimes we change things long before we realize that something needs to be change. I'm just saying: if the job's worth the effort, then this will pass. If it doesn't, then it's time to consider other ways - which does not necessarily mean you'll have to quit. But maybe you will have to change perspective and ask yourself what role you want to play in your work. Maybe a change of department? Or simply another attitude towards your life-work-balance. Just some random thoughts about that.

It's interesting that you seem to have lots of issues in your life, but your counter goes up and up and up. Do you even realize how far you've come? The stress is not going to break you. It's difficult, but you've learned your lesson about porn long ago (so it seems). Do you still have urges? Do have substitutes you don't want to have?

@mtaha: Sexuality is one of the greatest things in life. It's the only thing that keeps our wheels turning. If you say sexuality is the root of all your suffering then it's like banning chairs for the chance of hitting your toes at them. We always have a choice. You and I, jkkk here and all other members registered on this site: we all became addicted, because we didn't know when to stop. We overplayed it. But that's not sexuality's fault. Not even porn industries fault. We are responsible men and when we do shit it's time to accept that WE are the ones who messed things up.

18
Porn Addiction / Re: Cravings beginning to disappear, but...
« on: July 09, 2015, 12:06:26 AM »
Hi wingsofwax!

First of all: wow...your screen name - brilliant! Yes, you've been close to the sun. But you turned around before you got burnt. Now it's time to get back to earth without harm.
The cravings you experience are normal to some extent. Everybody has them and everyone knows of different ways to fight them. When I quit porn, I instantly gained several pounds. It was as if all my efforts were focussed on not to watch porn, not to give in and not to surrender. Food has become a distraction, but it was more than that: it was a substitute. We all have to face the substitutes and abandon them as well. As long as you get your dopamine fix from cigarettes and beer, the reboot will take longer than you can be happy with. Another side effect: it's harder to control yourself when you are drunk.

The answer to your question could be: look for "legal" porn substitutes. Something that gives you your daily fix without ruining your success. Smoking and drinking - not an option. Fast food and tons of sugar? Not an option. Dating sites, oggling at women, masturbating to porn fantasies? Hell - no option! sports - yes! Reading books - totally! Meeting up with friends (having one beer instead of 3 or 4) - sure! Life is full of things that bring us joy...we all need to learn how to apreciate them again. We are those kids whose parents have taken away their video game console.

Maybe it's also time to look for new paths in your life. Do something crazy...something you have always wanted to do, but always thought "nah" for no reason. Now that you quit porn, you probably have an hour or more time per day. Use this time for something big, something important and good.

By the way: I quit the sweet food together with porn then. Also, I quit coffee. And I lost 20 pounds. Once you manage to get away from porn AND the substitute, it becomes so easy. You just say "I want to be like XY" and you do it. You learn to fight inner barriers, because you've already been to hell and know how to get out again.

Good luck for everything!

19
Porn Addiction / Re: Porn memories
« on: June 24, 2015, 12:49:02 AM »
Yes, the memories fade. Last week they showed a porn size in a very blurry picture. Still I was able to recognize it and thought "right, THIS is how they used to look like". On very rare occasions porn actions come into my mind as memories. When that happens, it's always the same - it just doesn't seem real. It's like when you remember a movie you watched a few years ago. There is just the information, but there are no feelings attached to it. But still when I realize it happens, I quickly move on to another thought to give it no space.

But, yes, porn memories get weaker and at some point they feel surreal.

20
Porn Addiction / Re: Is viewing nudity wasting my time?
« on: June 23, 2015, 01:19:47 AM »
Quote
Is viewing nudity wasting my time

It's hard to say what time's wasted. Obviously you enjoy it - so would all of us here. But the long term complications make life harder for you. So you could definitively argue that you waste your time since it doesn't have any positive effect longer than the time you watch it, while on the other hand it takes longer for you to get back control over your life.

Understand this: Nudity IS porn. Or at least your mind treats it the same way - it rewards you and that's contraproductive for fighting your addiction.

Quote
Also,  in todays day and age it's hard to not see a naked female.

Wrong. It's hard for YOU, because you are having a hard time switching channel or looking away. I got used to it. Naked body in pixel = look away.

21
Having sex with women in a reboot is ok, in my opinion. But it's better if you have one partner for that. I don't know if it really speeds up the process if you need porn fantasies to get hard and if she needs to make oral love to you. This isn't how sex is meant to be. It's still just a realization of porn and of your left-over fantasies.

Try this: only have sex when you are able to achieve 100% erections. Do it the "old fashioned" way - with love and passion. Stay in the here and now. Appreciate women as human beings. Look at a woman and open your heart. Feel warmth instead of tanited thoughts. Imagine her touching you gently and smelling like roses instead of naked and obscene.

It's great that you don't lust for porn at the moment. But I am a little afraid that it's just because your mind has found porn-like substitutes. This way your PIED is not going to be cured. Abandon porn not only from your screen, but also from every other part of your life. Know your dopamine sources. Think about what gives you the best thrill and what it is that you least want to give up - THIS is going to be the key to success. If there's no pain, maybe you are on the wrong path. I'm not sure about that, but consider it a least. Give it a clear thought and tell us your point of view about this, ok?

But congratulation of course to three weeks porn-free. This is huge already! Keep it up, bro :)

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: Getting back to life
« on: June 12, 2015, 04:29:03 PM »
How come you have a good job and get extra money but still struggle so bad with low budget? I hope this gets better soon and you can save some money for nice furniture and stuff. Frugality might be the order of the near future, but that doesn't mean you have a bad life. The most valuable thing you "own" is your wife. Take care of her in a way money cannot do. Kisses don't cost anything. Cuddling doesn't cost anything. Sex shouldn't either. I remember your hotel problem, but a mattress on the floor will do in the new flat ;)

23
Yes, quite so. When I decided to quit for good and actually felt that I was absolutely serious about it, that moment was so intense and important. It felt right and I was overwhelmed by positive emotions. It seemed natural to just don't do it anymore and I couldn't see how I was ever supposed to feel any different.

But believe me...I am sorry to tell you, but it won't last that way forever. And I don't tell you that to ruin your good mood, but to warn you! There will be situations in which you desire porn. And the longer you are in your reboot, the easier you get tempted to "just give it a try". The important thing is that you always remember those positive feelings and the advantages you will have in a porn-free life. Never forget why you do this. Always remember this week and how glad you are that you will finally make it.

I said it's hard, but it's not impossible. This is my first attempt for a serious reboot and I am well above half a year without ever relapsing.

Keep us updated and good luck for the project!

24
Ages 20-29 / Re: Getting back to life
« on: June 09, 2015, 12:32:28 AM »
Funny you mention your perception at work of having more stuff to do than others.
To me it felt just the other way round when I started my job last year:

Everybody kept complaining about how stressed out they are and that it was impossible to get all things done properly on time. At the same time I was thankful for the things I could do. Boredom at work is even worse than stress sometimes. I thought "do they all do more than me or what?". But then I'd occasionally catch them playing minesweeper, take smoking breaks every hour and texting their friends all the time and thought: ok, can't be THAT bad.

So, yes, it is about perception. It's about how you perceive OTHERS as well as how you perceive your OWN workload. And it's not only about how much work needs to be done, but about how accurately you do it. Regarding how you update your journal conscientiously I'd say there is no work you do completely on the fly or even sloppily.

25
The situation right now is unsatisfying (for both of you!).

But if your fear is that it could stay like this for the rest of your life then past doesn't matter...the future does. So what's happening at the moment? Is he aware of the problem? Does he attempt to reboot? Does he know of this site?

A recovery from porn addiction is not easy for him. Neither it is for you. Imagine he seriously fights the problem and in a few weeks his thoughts are pure and full of love...could you guarantee that you believe him? Would sex still be as enjoyable as it was before you knew? Maybe it's best for you to pause sexual intimacy for a few weeks while he reboots. Afterwards you will feel the change and then it's important that you encourage him and show him that you regained trust.

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