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Messages - ntg

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: September 07, 2020, 06:35:18 PM »
Well, I gave in again last night, and so I'm back at day 1 again.  I don't really feel like typing a lot right now, so I'll keep it short and sweet.

Using my affirmations is helping me at this point; sometimes I feel like I'm lost at sea and don't even know what direction to head in.  Using affirmations helps me keep contact with what is important to me, and make sure I'm remembering the most important stuff and not just getting totally lost.

I know that working out really helps me stay grounded in reality and not escape to the virtual world.  Lately, I've been unable to workout how I normally would because of a shoe issue; I've ordered some and they will be here in a few days, so that will help I'm sure.  Also going to get back into my ladders routines and get myself moving again.

There has been some stress regarding my daughter, which is on-going because of my living situation, but I'm dealing with it all the best I can.

That's all for now.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« on: September 06, 2020, 05:23:26 PM »
That single moment of my childhood casted a shadow over my entire life. For me recovery isn't just about addiction. Addiction is a symptom of a much larger problem. I am working on finding out who I really am and being genuine and truthful to that person. I am learning to love and appreciate the person that I am. I am learning to deal with anything that comes my way as the strong, capable man that I know I can be. Revisiting 30+ years of memories and traumas and wins and losses and seeing them as they were: Things that happened to me that I handled the best way I knew how to at the time. I still feel embarrassed or sad or remorseful but most importantly I remind myself that I got to where I am now despite all of that.

I'm not using PMO to escape my thoughts. I'm not using fantasy to avoid dealing with things that feel like they're too hard to handle. I feel like I am really me, I am really here, I am taking care of business. I'm finding a better way to be.
You might feel like you're broken. You might feel like getting beyond porn isn't worth all the pain and effort. I'm telling you that you are not broken. You are not a lost cause. You are a person who like me, allowed something fake to replace a reality that seemed too real. Let's keep it real, knowing that the reward is so worth the effort. Thanks for reading and thanks for being here for me.


This is gold right here man.  I often feel the same way; that P is not just P but it's an escape or a means to self-medicate.  I also have had a lot to deal with from my childhood (abandonment issues, trust issues, etc.) and I find myself using P to run away from facing reality.  I logically know it's stupid and will just cause more problems, but in the moment, it takes the pain away, and so I have, in the past, used it for that.

Like you, I've come to the realization that I don't want to live my life like that, and will not self-medicate with P any longer.

I commend you so much for being vulnerable and exploring your past.  One quote that I love, regarding past hurts and pain is this: "What you resist, persists; what you accept, you gain the power to transform"  I really believe that is true; oftentimes, we are running from what we believe is too painful for us, but in the end, it's really just us running from ourselves, and thus we never get a handle on that part of our lives.  As we stop running and start facing the past and the pain of it, we can start to forgive others and ourselves for things, and find that we are more free in the present.

Really awesome you made these distinctions.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: September 06, 2020, 05:06:53 PM »
Man that sounds like some serious bullshit from your ex. Hopefully the truth comes out!

Thanks Norman, I am hoping so, too.  Part of my frustration is that it seems that women hold all the cards in the judicial system today.  Men are often guilty until proven innocent in the court's eyes, and it becomes draining to fight yet another battle where I'm completely innocent, and yet I'm considered to be guilty.

Day 2:

Well, I started today off well, but it went downhill fast.  I did not PMO and I did not even look at P, but I've spent all day watching various vids on YouTube, just because I found myself to be bored out of my mind.  I started the day off with the rationalization that I deserved a break and to not do anything and to just veg, because of all the shit I've been through over the last few weeks.

Well, spent a lot of today just looking at useless shit that is just a waste of time and does no good for helping me abstain from P usage....not my finest hour for sure.

So, I'm recommitting again.  To be honest with you all, I don't even know why I'm trying to stay away from PMO at this point.  My brain is that exhausted that it's like I know I need to, but it's like nothing seems real....that probably makes no sense, but that's really what I'm feeling at the moment.

At any rate, I know PMO is not a logical thing; I know I'm drawn to P or any other thing I use to self-medicate, as a means to an end.  Whether it's because I am filled with hormones and want a release, and yet don't have a gf at the moment, so it's frustrating for me; or if ti's because of stress or emotional pain, or whatever, I know it's really because I'm using it to run away from something, to not face something, to not deal with something, or to escape to a more pleasing reality than the one I current find myself in.

I believe women also do this; women buy books such as the 50 shades of grey, in order to escape their mundane reality and feel like they are actually living in an exciting life.  I think men do the same thing with P; I think that's why romance novels are just as addictive as P.

Anyway, I guess I'm rambling a little bit; my mind is all over the place I suppose.  I'm hoping you all are having a better time than I am at the moment.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: September 06, 2020, 04:56:56 PM »
I know a shift happened with me when I was on this forum before as well.  At first, I came on here to get help; then I saw myself as being able to help others.  But then when you relapse and have to be honest about what you're going through, it's not as easy to receive help.

It's like you said, it's not easy to be vulnerable, and a lot of us turn to P just to avoid it (I know I'm also guilty of this).

At one point, in my journey before on here, I felt the forum was actually holding me back, because it kept me focusing on P and I felt like I wanted to focus more on my actual life and improving it.

I'm back now, hopefully with a little more wisdom and humility, just as you expertly articulate in your post; realizing that there is a middle ground.  We all have our own battles to fight, and sometimes we may not be able to help others, because we are so tired from fighting our own battles.  That's ok, that's why there is a community here that can help each other.

All of us will be up at one point, and feeling good, and be able to help others.  At other times, all of us will be feeling bad and struggling (at different times of course) and will need to rely on support and encouragement from others to help us get through.

I think this is what a healthy community is all about; not pretending to be stronger than we really are, but laying it all out there for everyone to see our struggles and pain.  But in the end, when you find people who resonate with your vulnerability, that alone helps us not feel as alone, and can sometimes help us to see things in other ways we had not considered before.

So, hang in there, UK; you're not bad and you're not good - you're just you, and that's all you have to be.  Great insights, and I look forward to more of your introspection, because it really seems to help you set your course aright.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Something needs saying here....
« on: September 06, 2020, 04:43:47 PM »
This week is a big one for me. I see it as the defining sink or swim week. I will pass , or fail. Will keep you posted. Sometimes in my mind, I think Ive already failed. But Im giving myself a fightingb hance. I maybe, just maybe, can roll through another week pmo free... i fuckin hope so. This ed has to fuckin go. Ot has to.

I know exactly how you feel; I am in a similar boat as you.  When you have a lot going on, and feel stressed out, it's almost like you don't have the necessary energy to keep away from P.  All I can say is that you're on a journey, not going towards a destination.  Even if you make 180 days PMO free, on day 181 you could relapse.  This is a lifestyle, and not something that we do and forget about.  On a positive note, as you stay away from P, your brain will crave it less and less.

One thing I've learned is that I usually use P in order to fill some other need.  Maybe take a look at your life and see if there is something that you should be doing (or not doing) and using P as a way to not face it.  I sure wish there was a way to "reprogram" our minds so that we were innocent regarding P again, and just stayed the hell away from it from the beginning, and thus did not know what we were missing.  I'm sure all addicts probably feel that way.  So, just do your best, and in the end, be kind to yourself.  You're holding out as best you can, and for that, you should be rewarding yourself.  Also, as your first post said, it's not fucking easy to transmute sexual energy and direct it to something else, so if you get closer each time, you're winning.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: September 05, 2020, 02:37:14 PM »
Day 1:

Today has been good; have gotten a lot of organizational stuff done, which is something I've needed to do for a long time now.

It's nice to just be able to relax and not have all these things just straining on my mind.  I had not seen my daughter for 6 weeks, due to a false claim on my ex's part, and thus had investigations on-going with my local PD, CPS, and other shit.

That is now all resolved, and now I'm counter-suing my ex for false allegations.

Hopefully things begin to slow down quite a bit now.  Today it's been so nice to do absolutely nothing (in regards to being outside my place).  Today has been a good break from the constant stress that's been on my shoulders for a while.

Hoping everyone else is having a good day.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: September 04, 2020, 06:08:33 PM »
Thanks guys for your encouragement.

Unfortunately, I did not hold out, and did relapse; but I'm not devastated, because I know I held out for a while past what I even thought I could.

I know for a fact that stress and adrenaline are some of my triggers.

I also know that restlessness is a huge trigger for me; it's like I am exhausted, but I'm not physically tired, or maybe my mind is just too wired, but it's very difficult for me to unwind.

I've tried using mindfulness in these situations, and they helped, but the pull towards P was still just constant and incessant, so it's like I finally gave in due to weakness.

Back to day 1, but with more distinctions that I know will help make me better even now.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Something needs saying here....
« on: September 03, 2020, 05:56:34 PM »
Here we go again . Damn bloody replapse. Day 9 . Annoyed yes. Devestated - no. The pattern here for me is one or two week streak , before that kind of ominous auto pilot mode kicks in. I keep trying to divert my mind but P keeps on battering the door down inside my head. Eventually I just kinda crumble and think "fuck it".
I will not make the same mistake as lasy time though. And binging a couple more times before trying. That was a catastrpohic error and really worried me - depresseed the hell outt me actually. But just for 2 days.
Anyway I feel kind of OK this morning. As I say, annoyed - not devoed. Take care all of you.

I would also not think of it in terms of how many days you went without giving in to PMO, because it will feel like you have this big mountain to climb back up to get to where you were previously, in terms of time.

Rather, think of what you can do, this very moment, to make your life better in some way.  In this way, you don't have to wait for any arbitrary amount of time to feel better about yourself or your can begin right now, no matter if you relapsed yesterday, today, 10 days ago, or 40 days ago.  What you have is the present moment, and you can absolutely better your life in some way within it.

If you even make one distinction this time that you didn't know before, then you have learned from your mistake, and you can move on, knowing you know more now than you did.  That's the same mentality that Edison had, and it's why we now have electric lights.

Goodonya for that mindset!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: September 03, 2020, 05:34:06 PM »
Day 8:

This has been an exhausting day; have had a lot of stuff to deal with that is sort of "spill over" from yesterday...however, I'm getting everything handled and it's starting to slow down again.

I feel almost like I'm coming down off an adrenaline rush, where my body was pumped so full of hormones to get me through the never-ending stuff I had to accomplish, that now I'm finding myself crashing.

I remained strong yesterday and did not give in to P or any other type of fake shit to take the edge off.  Once I layed down and put on something relaxing to listen to, I was out like a light.

I did not workout like I wanted to, but I was up a lot later than I normally am as well, so I gave myself a break there.

Today has been ok overall; coming down from the crash of the rush, I'm finding myself craving P again in order to "relax" and "take the edge off".  It's been helping to read words I've been repeating to myself every day, namely that my desire for P is really just a desire to be with a woman, but it's short-cutting all the action necessary to make that happen; that it isolates me and causes me further stress.  I've resolved to immediately think of the woman I want to be with whenever I'm tempted by P.  I'm hoping it works; right now, I almost feel as if I'm hanging on by a slim thread, but I'm hanging on nonetheless.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Not a Catchy Title ...
« on: September 02, 2020, 09:34:56 PM »
Hey Artemus,

I've been on this forum before; I think it's a common theme here.  You know that P is not just P, it's an addiction, just like any other addiction.  Unfortunately, we'll be fighting this shit for the rest of our lives probably - that's the bad news.

The good news is that it makes us stronger; gives us resolve we would not have otherwise.  I think of Emerson's law of compensation when I think of people going through rough's true we have more heartache and pain to deal with than those who are not addicted...yet we also have a view of life they can never have either....we appreciate the simpler things in life.

Others may never know just how amazing it is to find true love and experience that as opposed to the fake shit.  Others may never truly know themselves inside as those of us who have examined ourselves and tried our best to root-out those things that are unhealthy.

There is a depth of character in us that is not present in the general population.

I love the story of Soichiro Honda, whom I learned of by listening to stuff by Tony Robbins; Mr Honda was the epitome of failing and getting back up each and every time.  He was ridiculed, had to go back to school after failing in a business venture, had his factory bombed during the war, was told his invention was basically worthless after trying a different path, and finally found success.

Another thing I think of is Napoleon Hill's quote that within every adversity is the seed of an equivalent success...meaning that there is some distinction we can gain every time we "fail" that we would not have had before.

Have you tried using positive affirmations of ways you want to improve your life so that you take your focus off of P altogether?

Hang in there brother, it's usually when we want to give up that we finally start succeeding and making some real powerful changes.  (Look up Napoleon Hill's other self).

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: September 02, 2020, 03:09:23 PM »
Day 7:

Pretty usual day; working on my affirmations (in accordance with the books I posted about earlier) and they are really helping.  Making this short and sweet this time, as I have some things I still have to do before the day's up.

Have remained firm in my stance of no more fake stuff, and feeling pretty good overall.

I did run and lift weights this morning, so I followed through on my commitment to myself which feels great.

Hope everyone else is well too.


Having a really hard time right now; one of my triggers is stress, and my day has just been one stressful event after another....I feel like I've hardly had time to catch my breath, and I'm moving from one fucked up situation to another and trying to mediate and solve the issue of all of them at once.

The temptation is so fucking strong to turn to P right now, to just become a mindless zombie and be stimulated and let the stress just fade away.   Of course I know this is bullshit, and in reality, P will only add more stress to my already stressful life, long term (staying up all night - lack of sleep, feeling guilty and ashamed, causing me to further isolate myself from others, etc.)

So, I'm going to try to take some sleep meds and watch some tv to help me destress and calm down a little bit.  This has been one fucking hard day, but I'm going to get through it.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: September 01, 2020, 01:54:05 PM »
Good job on this new commitment for a restart into cleanness and life improvement!  Working out is a worthy endeavor and will likely help the sleep I would imagine.   Congratulations on the 5 days-keep at it!

Thanks, jixu, I appreciate you and your comments.  I'm definitely hoping that working out helps.


Day 6:

Well, last night, I could not sleep, and ended up watching some twerking vids on youtube.  While this is not my finest moment, I don't consider it to be PMO, although I don't think it does anything beneficial for me in regards to focusing on reality and not fake shit.  I know this type of thing can be a slippery slope, leading down to P very easily, so I'm pulling myself back up and making a firm decision to stay away from this type of thing in the future too.

Did not stay up too late last night, but still had trouble's like I felt wired and just did not want to sleep, but knew I needed to in order to get rest for today.  Needless to say, I did not get up early today and workout as I had planned on doing.

The audio books did not work very well in order to make me tired and calm me down, I think because I just wanted to get out and DO around people and be social, and right now that is so difficult to do with this COVID stuff going on.

I'm going to look into meetup groups or something; maybe even online dating and see if that might also be a way to meet some people.

As far as today went, I was tired, but nothing too bad at all; I have some legal stuff coming up tomorrow, so that is also probably weighing on my mind more than normal, and causing me to be more active than usual with my thoughts.

Going to start using mindfulness meditation every night, and see if that will help settle down my mind so I can relax and unwind.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: August 31, 2020, 04:51:22 PM »
I’m saying, don’t get caught up in these nuanced ideas. I remember in my greener days reading the line (on this forum) – recovery comes from not thinking about P. I think the idea was – recovery comes from leaving P behind, not obsessing about it, and developing a new life and habits. But it was a misleading line, especially in early reboot, you need to really think about it and how you’re going to deal with it. but it was just an idea that a rebooter had and shared on the forum.

I think all of us deal with this reboot differently in some regards.  As for the above idea, I would agree with it, because in my experience, the more you think about P, even if it's just to not get swept away in it, it's still the dominant thought pattern of your mind, and you will be drawn to it.  The mind does not understand negations.....just concepts.  When I first started my original reboot years ago, I was all gung-ho into counters and the like; when I got about 50 days into it, I dropped all of them, in lieu of focusing on improving my life.

I still maintain my assertion that a reboot from P is not a reboot from P at all; it's a reboot from escaping to P because of other stuff.  The more you can deal with that other stuff, the less of a pull towards P you will feel.  P has become a way to self-medicate for a lot of us; P is enjoyable for a time (that's why we all deal with this addiction), but just as a cocaine addict does not do coke just because he likes the feeling of being under it's influence; but rather to escape the feeling of NOT being under its we, too, sometimes use P not just because we like P but because we don't like the way we feel when we are having to face reality and not escaping to it.

These are my thoughts on the matter at any rate.  Like I said, all of us probably have a different take on this, because we all come from different backgrounds.

Hang in there UK; focus on how you can improve your life starting now, not on what went wrong.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Something needs saying here....
« on: August 31, 2020, 04:35:22 PM »
Yes, that's exactly it man.  The brain does not understand negation in any form; it just understands concepts.  So, if you want to stop PMO, but you keep focusing on PMO, even if it's just to try to stop doing it, you're going to cause more of the same.  The way to change your mind from something is to think of something else altogether.

If I tell you, "don't think of a pink elephant; whatever you do, do not think of a pink elephant."  I know the first thing that will pop into your mind is a pink elephant.  If you don't want to think of a pink elephant, you must rather, consciously, decide to focus on something else, like maybe a blue giraffe or something like that.

If you don't want to PMO, you can't tell yourself, "I'm not going to look at P", because P will be the only thing on your mind then.  Rather, you must replace thinking about P with something else, such as drawing or cycling in your case.  Also, it's really helpful to have some pre-determined responses already planned out as you notice triggers for yourself.

Like for me, one of my triggers is when I can't sleep, I'll turn to P to try to calm down.  So, I've already determined that when I can't sleep, I'll instead put an audio book on, that will take my mind off of feeling like I can't sleep, and then allow my mind to relax and drift off to sleep.

The more triggers you can identify and plan ahead of time how you'll deal with, the more you'll feel in control of your journey, in my opinion.

Glad to hear you are doing good at day 8; great work, and keep it up!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: August 31, 2020, 04:25:44 PM »
Day 5:

Today has been pretty normal.  I have had some trouble sleeping, and it's tempting in these times to turn to P to just "de-stress" or "relax", and that is definitely one of my triggers, so I've started putting on audio books I have that are, for lack of a better term, boring, in the hopes that it will engage my mind enough to take it off of P but not so much that it keeps me far it's working.

I'm also noticing that I'm getting horny a lot more lately; when I see beautiful women, I start having sexual thoughts, and I'm motivated to go talk to them.  I have not, as of yet, followed through on these "pushes" to talk to women; I'm going to have to begin breaking myself out of my shell again and gaining some ground in this area.

I'm going to set a goal for myself that from here on out, I have to approach and talk to at least one woman per day.  She doesn't have to be hot per se, and I don't have to approach with the intention of getting a number or anything, but I need to get more social again, and this is how I'll start easing myself back into this.

I'm divorced, and I've dated off & on for the last 6 yrs or so, so I'm in a fairly decent place in which to start a relationship.  I don't want a fling type of thing, as I prefer to support someone and have them support me - I think it's healthier that way.  If something were to become somewhat serious, I'd inform them about my PMO reboot, but otherwise, just let that stay in the bag for the time being.

The way I'm going to work with this trigger of being horny is that I'm going to start working out every day (instead of every other day) and start expending this energy in that constructive way.

Ages 40 and up / Re: A Better Life
« on: August 30, 2020, 08:32:35 AM »
I think we have to have clear boundaries going into this.  For me, what a reboot means is not to allow myself to fill my life with fake shit so that I run away from reality.

Sometimes reality sucks (facing the hard truth of something and feeling the shame, frustration, anger, resentment, etc of that thing); and that is when I find myself running towards something (be it P or TV or something else).

In my experience, P is just a symptom of a deeper issue.  Once the issue is handled (there may be multiple issues, not just one), then the draw to P is lower, because the need to escape is not as strong.

So, for me, when you talk about not looking at a woman in real life, I think that this is missing the whole idea of rewiring to reality.  That woman is there, right now, and you can look at her and appreciate her beauty, but have a clear boundary that you will only look and appreciate.  Or you could walk up to her and tell her you think she's beautiful (there's a way to do this when you're married that comes off more encouraging to her than hitting on her for other purposes).

In my experience, many women wish men would tell them that they think they are beautiful more often, because so many women deal with body issues themselves.  If we all were just more honest with things, and not keep them all secret, I think that the shame, and power of secret things would slowly dissipate.

I'm not saying to make it public you're dealing with PMO (unless you are in a place of strength, and sharing to help someone else), rather, I'm saying that instead of looking at a beautiful woman and feeling like you can't express that beauty and instead go and look at other beautiful women in solitude, maybe it would be better to express it...give the compliment away and let her feel better about herself.

That's just the way I see it.  I hope this might help to maybe give at least a different perspective.

Great journal, and keep up the good work!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: August 30, 2020, 02:57:30 AM »
You are welcome ZiggyBoo, I'm glad you found it useful!

Day 4:

Started back on my working out every day routine; got up at 0300 today, and ran almost 2 miles; will now workout with weights after I eat my breakfast and let it digest a bit.

I'm noticing that by continuously giving myself the repetition of positive thoughts (in the form of what I'm wanting in my life) - my whole mind is becoming more and more positive as a result.  It's like my mind is a finite space, and the more I start stuffing it with good and positive thoughts, the more good and positive thoughts start gaining dominance over it, and pushing out the negative.

A question occurred to me last night; if the mind is a finite space, and we voluntarily begin to put positive thoughts into it, instead of trying to just remain neutral throughout the reboot (for example, taking the mindset of avoiding PMO but not necessarily working towards anything else), does this take more time to "rewire" the brain, because we are not voluntarily replacing what's there with positive things?

Might the reboot be sped up by deliberately using autosuggestion and placing positive habitual thoughts into our minds so that we not only stop the negative, but begin pushing the negative out altogether?

Maybe my journal will be some evidence on this one way or the other.


My amount of energy is becoming crazy; I got up at 0300, and went for a 2 mile run; then I stayed up, cooked & ate my breakfast (this is normal), then I mowed the grass and did all the other outside work that I needed to do, then I immediately lifted weights for about 30 mins.  It's now about 0900, and I've been going non-stop since 0300.  This is definitely one of the perks of a reboot, is that increased energy output.

I remember in my previous journal that I had recommended people read "The Multiorgasmic Man", and I would still recommend that book.  Nowadays, I'm a little more familiar with the idea of semen retention.  While I don't agree with a lot of what's out there (namely that you become like a "god" when you practice semen retention, because you're able to have control over your hormones), I do agree that semen retention is very powerful in that you are storing the life-force inside of you .

If anyone is interested in learning more about this life force (otherwise known as chi), I'd highly recommend you look up "the microcosmic orbit", as this is the "orbit" within the body that one can move energy around.  Women can also do this, but the process is a little bit different, as they don't have the same life force (or chi) that men do.  It's the Yin/Yang thing.


Had a chance to be there for a good friend of mine who is in the town I grew up in.  Her and I knew each other when we were in our 20's, and we both come from very similar backgrounds.  I was able to encourage her and give her some tools that have helped her kick her own ass into gear and get past the funk she's in.  I've been in a similar funk a ton of times, so when I described my experience, she could not believe she was not alone in what she was feeling.  Said that my phone call really helped her feel hopeful again that she would be ok.

I just wanted to take a minute and recount this, because if I had been involved with P still, I know I would not have been able to be there for her, as I would be doing good just to hang on and fight my own battles.  It makes me feel really good to be able to be there for other people who are going through similar things to those which I've been through and found a way through.

Other than that, been a pretty normal day; spent the day catching up on housework and other chores.

Realized today that I really want to get out and meet people, but I'm not sure exactly how to do so with COVID going on.  I'm going to have to try to get creative and figure out ways to be relational with people in physicalness.  I have found myself alone a lot lately, and I know that this is one of my triggers, so I'm going to have to find a way to surround myself with some positive people whom I can give support to and get support from (not necessarily regarding PMO, but life in general).

If anyone reading has any suggestions or something you've done that has been good for you in this regard, I'd love to hear it.  Thanks.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: August 29, 2020, 04:16:08 PM »
I wanted to put a few more books that I've found useful, which can be applied to the reboot as well.  This, hopefully will be of use to some other people; but I'm also doing it for myself, so that in the future, I can re-read this and remind myself of things I've found that work.

1) Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz - this book is fantastic for the purpose of changing the self-image (your conception of the sort of person you are).  The self image literally determines what you can and cannot accomplish, because we are all hypnotized to the limiting beliefs we hold to be true about ourselves.

2) Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill - this book is fantastic for learning the principles of autosuggestion, which is absolutely fundamental for changing programmed habits.  Lots of examples of how the power of definiteness of purpose along with the other success principles can change your life.

3) Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins - this book is fantastic for reminding us all that we are literally only 1 decision away from changing the direction of our lives; using the principles of leverage and emotional state managment, we can make some really big gains in life.  Also, the ability to use questions to direct our minds is priceless.  If you're feeling discouraged, a simple question like, "what's humorous about this situation?" can make all the difference.

4) The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins - this book is amazing; Mel learned something that completely took the brain out of the equation, and allows us to act without the proper motivation, programmed beliefs, or leverage on ourselves.  In 5 seconds, you can decide to act with courage and change your life.  In regards to rebooting, you can use this same principle to change your thinking patterns, by using metacognition (being aware of what you are experiencing) to change your thinking in the moment.

I'll add more here as I remember others that have had an impact on me. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: Something needs saying here....
« on: August 29, 2020, 03:49:14 PM »
Hey Asian_Stone,

Good work on sticking to this path, even in the midst of bumps that come up sometimes.

If I could suggest one thing, which has helped me, it would be to start turning your focus from the reboot itself, and start putting it on drawing, cycling, and other activities you can do to start making your life better right now.

Whenever I used to relapse and had to "start over", I'd feel like shit; it felt like I had gone for so long, and now I'd fucked it all up and had to start over.  In reality, this is not the case; I had relapsed, but I could start changing my life that very day, by deciding to focus on something that could improve my life.

I began to realize that as I shifted my focus from the reboot itself, to life in general, even if I did relapse, I didn't feel shitty about myself, and that in itself began to break the cycle of needing PMO to feel better after replasing to PMO to begin with.

PMO really is just a way of escaping something, usually, and as you begin to focus on your life and the betterment of it, you begin to deal with the root causes that motivate you to seek PMO to begin with.

Keep up the good work, and I'm looking forward to keeping up with you.

I really liked your first post on here; had a lot of wisdom in it.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: August 29, 2020, 03:36:27 PM »
Day 3:

Today, I've been reminded of something really significant that I had forgotten about.

I was bored at work yesterday, and was looking through my Kindle library, and remembered a book that I had read once, but hadn't fully understood, but knew it had a good message.  Figuring I would read it again, I found it and re-read it.

It's a very short book, but the message is very profound.  Basically, most of us have no idea what we really want, but rather just focus our attention on how to deal with what we already have (usually in the form of problems).

Most of us have never stopped to consider where our problems keep coming from; this is what this book is about.  It's a simple premise: whatever we habitually dwell on, will be what we "create" in our lives.  So, if we habitually dwell on our problems and how to fix them, we will continually create more problems to fix.

However, if we start to begin to dwell on what we DO want, we begin to break the cycle and shift our thinking from what we don't want and what's going wrong, to what we do want and desire out of life.

This is very similar to Napoleon Hill's message in Think and Grow Rich, which is that in order to change your life, you must have a definite goal in which to move towards.

I remembered another book that I also owned, which I also never really understood that much, and decided to re-read it as well, and discovered even more insights regarding this same vein of thinking.

I realized why it's so important to not focus on the facts of a reboot when rebooting, and instead focus on improving your life.  When you focus on things such as not PMO'ing and getting MW back, and the flatline, and other such things, you will keep dwelling on the reboot itself and keep your focus on AVOIDING PMO.

Once you begin to shift your thinking from AVOIDING PMO to ACCOMPLISHING something that makes your life better, you start "creating" those things in your life, and you naturally stay away from PMO, because you are fixing the root problems of your life (why you turned to PMO to begin with).  Usually this has to do with some kind of trauma and the desire to escape reality by turning to PMO.  Yet, we can use virtually anything to escape reality (TV, internet, forums, chat, etc.)

The key is to become definite in a goal we want to accomplish, and begin dwelling on THAT, instead of upon what we want to AVOID doing.

This is a shift in thinking I remember I had last time during my reboot, around the end of the time I stopped posting here.

I re-read a lot of my old journal entries and posts on others' pages just so I could recapture my previous mindset while going through the reboot last time.

As far as today, it's been a good day so far; I'm feeling good, with all these new realizations that are coming to me, as well as all the things being brought to my remembrance from before.

If anyone else wants to read the books I'm referring to, I'll put them below:

1) It Works: The Famous Little Red Book That Makes Your Dreams Come True! (

2) TNT It Rocks the Earth (

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: August 28, 2020, 01:07:28 PM »
Day 2:

Felt pretty neutral today; my boss and I rode around together today (it's like that when it's slow, and no emergencies going on), and we both went home early because we just couldn't stand knowing we had things to get done at home, and were just wasting time at work.

Today held no real challenges or problems.  I was still direct, but I was directly nice in some ways, taking the initiative to do something nice for people who had done something nice for me.  I believe in reciprocating nice and respectful behavior; I even believe in showing it when others' may not, just because of my own standards and the type of person I want to be....meaning I don't do it for them, as much as for myself.  I also believe in acknowledging and praising/rewarding good behavior (positive reinforcement) so that I make people feel good about doing good things.  I try to do this with my daughter, but I also try to do it with people I associate with on a regular basis as well.

Nothing too much to report for today; just a normal day.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: August 28, 2020, 01:00:57 PM »
Hi LetItGoAlready,

There has definitely been a lot of guilt in my journey, so I can definitely relate to that.  I like your way of looking at it...that we are just finishing what we already started.

I remember that I had this realization from TheUnderdog's post I read years ago, that this "reboot" was not a reboot from PMO, but a reboot of life.  When I took that perspective on things, it made the journey that much more fruitful.  I was no longer looking for how many days I'd gone without PMO; rather, I began to try to improve my life every single day (no matter if I had a relapse the day before or not).

Thanks for all your kind words; I hope to be able to add something to you in the way of encouragement as the days, weeks, months, years roll on.

If you are interested more in the idea of progressive resistance, I'd really suggest you read up on "the flow state".  I'll link a Wikipedia article I found below that you can read and get a lot of useful info from.

The quick and dirty summarization of it, though, is that if you feel stressed, you've taken on too much; if you feel bored, you've not taken on enough; if you feel like you are growing and maybe even a little uncomfortable but still progressing, you are exactly where you need to be.

What makes it the right place to be is the idea of our skills/talents/experience and the difficulity of the task meeting to compliment each other.

If you start a new job, and you don't know what you're doing, you won't be bored your first week, in fact you may feel overwhelmed at first...but as you gain more experience, you will naturally feel more and more confident.  Once you've been there for a few years, if you don't find some way to make your job more demanding, you'll be bored with it (because your skill has surpassed the difficulty level).

Another thing you might look up is how metacognition affects your ability to take on more and more things and still remain calm and at ease in the midst of it.  I'll link an article on metacognition as well, below.

Thanks for posting on my journal and I hope to be able to encourage you in your journey as well.

Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: August 28, 2020, 12:45:11 PM »
[That makes a lot of sense. Almost all of my troubles reside between my ears. I'll go look for that book, ntg, thanks.

You are welcome man; I sincerely hope you find it useful.  If you want to look into more stuff NLP, that quote I mentioned by Richard Bandler is from his book "Get the Life You Want"

Hope you have fun this weekend!

Ages 40 and up / Re: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
« on: August 28, 2020, 12:42:22 PM »
I am glad to hear you are still going strong man!  I remember your first post on here, great work!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to quit....again
« on: August 27, 2020, 02:32:19 PM »
I know exactly what you mean, TheNorman.

It's hard to know what is the right way to do things when there is no clear direction in which to go.  Oftentimes I've thought to myself, "if only someone would show me what I'm supposed to do, I could do it".  Unfortunately, a lot of times we're stuck trying to figure things out for ourselves.

I will say that when I first started this journey (20 yrs ago), I read a book called "The Search for the Real Self" by James Masterson, and it has been, without a doubt, the best thing I have ever read in regards to why we tend to avoid things.  Usually, we are simply trying to avoid pain, but we've been stuck doing the same thing for so long, we don't even consciously know we are avoiding just seems right to do it that way because it's familiar.

One thing I took from the book mentioned above was that the way to leave the false self behind and begin to truly live from a real self once again was to do things that made me afraid.  When I first started, I was in college; and I literally could not even sit in the cafeteria without feeling everyone was looking at me and judging me.  I would just stare at the table in front of me or my food, and would only risk very brief glances around every few minutes for shear terror that everyone would be just staring at me and judging me when I looked up.

When I started reading that book, that was my starting point....I started forcing myself to eat in the cafeteria every single day.  That got easier, so then I started forcing myself to start looking at people, and not look away right away when their eyes met mine.

This is called progressive resistance; it's the same thing we use when lifting weights or anything else where we are trying to grow a muscle or a skill or something....start off easy, and progress to more difficult.

I've used this same process to get over my fear of approaching women (I was absolutely terrified of this).

I would say, that whatever seems overwhelming to you, it's because you're trying to do too much all at once.  Try to break it down into smaller chunks.  Make it just a tad uncomfortable, or just a tad more demanding of your you still can do it, and it's still slightly uncomfortable, but not so much that you go into lockdown mode or feel like everything is caving in on you.

Thanks for your reply to my journal, it really helps just having others' perspectives on things I write.  I hope to be able to offer the same to you as well.  We are all here to help encourage each other and be encouraged, and slay this PMO beast.

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