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Messages - Chairs182

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Ages 30-39 / Trying to reclaim my life
« on: December 21, 2014, 01:17:30 PM »
It has been almost 3 weeks since my problem was laid bare in the open to everyone in my life, wife, parents, in-laws, and many other people who I have to face daily.  Looking back my addiction has been going on for close to 20 years.  I can say that it hastened the demise of my first marrage, in that when she basicly gave me an ultimatum of porn or her, i couldn't give it up and didn't even want to try.  All I really ended up taking away from what should have been a serious wake-up call, was that I needed to be better at hiding it.  Therefore when I was exposed almost 8 years later it was much worse.
My current wife has stressed that she wants to be there to help work through this together.  When it all started on the 4th of December, I promised to change my ways cold turkey.   I won 't exactly say I didn't seek out help, I attended only 1 SAA meeting and couldn't make the time for anymore.  I had been doing well for basicly attempting this without any professional or group support.

I slipped up a couple of days ago, then again yesterday.  I've been having a very difficult time of fighting the urge today.  I have been very moody, EXTREMELY depressed, and very lazy today.  I am in the process of starting a new job in another city and moving my family to top eveything else off.  I have been commuting back and forth since everything came to light just to mainly avoid time by myself in a hotel.  I won't be able to avoid a hotel tonigt and am very worried about being by myself.  I'm planning on making myself go to a SAA meeting tonight.  This morning I've been struggling and instead of indulging in the problem behavior I am starting a journal.

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