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Messages - Kaybee

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Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: May 07, 2016, 03:46:01 AM »
Currently drunk and horny af.
85% sure I'm not going to do anything about it.

Hi Mat! Welcome to RN! It's great to see how much your motivation and determination has increased in the last week. Keep up the good work!   :)
I see that you are struggling with wanting to talk to your parents about your addiction. If that is too intimidating, maybe you have a close friend you could talk to? I told two very close friends about my addiction, and it actually went a lot better than I expected. I know it isn't an option for everyone, but you never know.

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: May 03, 2016, 03:37:55 AM »
Hello Rebooters, I am back once again.
My life is a little bit more stable now, but of course I still have things that are stressing me out and making me want to head right back to PMO. I need to learn to stop waiting for "the right time" and make the time I have count. I reached a low a few months ago again and was feeling suicidal, but I told my counselor and doctor about it and now I'm properly medicated.  :o 
I purchased a vibrator, which lead to several days of multiple-hour binges with PMO, and a loss of sensitivity in my clitoris. I live alone now, which has been a blessing but also a curse in that I can sleep for 20 hours a day without anyone knowing, and I can watch porn basically any time it crosses my mind. I discovered a new favourite "channel" and actress, which added to the struggle, for sure.
I really don't like what my porn preferences say about me. I got hooked on videos of women acting younger than they are, often with older men or men who tower over them. I definitely don't have 'daddy-issues' (I have a great relationship with my dad) but these videos make me feel like something is wrong with me ... you know, other than the addiction and the depression.
On an important and exciting side note - I had sex. It was very emotional and stressing and overwhelming considering my past traumas, but also really special.  I'm only starting to understand how porn has impacted that part of things, so I'm sure I'll write more about that in the future.
Any way, it's good to be back. I have a lot of reading to catch up on around here!

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: September 24, 2015, 11:22:11 PM »
I'm back. I'm not sure if my heart is in this yet, but I feel like I'm at an okay place mentally to start trying again. Saturday is going to be my one year mark for my assault. I feel a little more distanced from everything now. I'm in my internship for teaching right now, and everything is topsy-turvy with stress and emotions, but when is life not like that? So yeah. Let's give this a go. Porn free.

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: April 15, 2015, 08:45:04 PM »
I'm not doing well right now. I went back to the cams last night. I've been watch P a lot lately and hooking up with so many guys that I'm scaring myself. I feel really out of control.

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: March 16, 2015, 11:15:35 AM »
Thank you for sharing that, nomox3. My heart goes out to your sister. How is her life today? I hope that it's happier than her childhood. And I know that must have been torture for you to not be able to stop it. Your message had a lot  of things in it that I didn't want to hear, but that I needed to be reminded of. So thanks.

In the future, I would not tell someone that you are or are not going to be physical (this would appear strange to me if someone told me this); just let nature take its course. 
Haha that's not quite how it went. We both agreed that we had moved too fast, and I suggested that we take things slow for a while. Personally, I don't think that's weird.

Well, I try not to only come back when I mess up, but here I am again. I relapsed yesterday, and that wasn't the first time since I last posted. The good news is I only watched part of one video before becoming absolutely disgusted with the porn industry and with myself. I hate that I drag myself into that cesspool over and over again. It repulses me on every level to see women being dishonoured like that, and to watch men act like cruel animals. I cannot wait to be done with porn for good. This addiction makes me think of how meth addicts will claw their own skin off looking for bugs that aren't there. Then they'll sober up and want to get high and do it all again. I feel like I'm clawing out chunks of my brain with this shit, but then I want to do it all again as soon as I'm triggered. Fuck pornography.
Seriously, even as I write this, I'm tempted.

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: February 28, 2015, 11:23:49 AM »
I PMOed to softcore yesterday. I don't even enjoy softcore. In this case the reason I stumbled was I have a date coming up tonight and I already explicitly told him that I don't think we should be physical.  My mind and heart agree, but you guys know how it is. Anyways, I got excited thinking about this date and then felt frustrated because I knew it would not become physical, even though that is my choice. I rationalized those feelings to mean that I deserved to PMO to 'get rid of the tension'. I also told myself that if it was just softcore then I could lie to you and prĂ©tend it didn't happen. So here is me not lying.

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: February 25, 2015, 01:47:29 PM »
CrateDane, Congrats on 90 days!!

Thanks for welcoming me back with open cyberarms, everyone :)
I finally have some information on the date of my hearing with the University. It will be coming up in 3-4 weeks. I took yesterday off school just to get my thoughts together, and today I have my support group. I baked muffins for them. I'm simultaneously trying not to think about the incident, and obsessing over it. So that's fun. I really don't know how I'm going to keep up with my school work right now; it's getting to be a problem for me. My counselor and I also came across the fact that I seem to be afraid of being alone... which I feel is pretty connected to why I went back to the cams. The night I found out about the hearing I just cried and cried and tried to find people to be with, but I was all alone. I tried asking a guy I've been seeing who knows the situation vaguely to come over, but he was not prepared for that challenge. Eventually I was able to talk things over with C.  I feel like I'm becoming a burden to him. I hate asking for help all the time.
On pornographic side of things, I've been doing very well. I find that when I'm scared or anxious (which I've been feeling about the hearing) I don't have as many urges to watch it. The warning signs I have to watch for are: apathy towards the topic, low-self esteem, feeling rejected, and straight up arousal. I feel like I will have to be on guard for this at all times, and keep two steps ahead of myself if I want to fight this while I'm distracted with everything else going on.
Something for me to be happy about is I finally seem to be making female friends. There are a few girls in my group I can see a friendship forming with, and I now have a solid female friend in school and at work. This is new for me! I like it!

Women / Re: Question for the ladies
« on: February 20, 2015, 03:20:17 PM »
Ntg has it exactly right, the best thing you can do for a woman who confides in you is to listen. You can definitely give her links to rebootnation and yourbrainonporn, but I would also say that she would not be looking for you to fix her, just for someone to talk to. 147mrmw, I don't think it's creepy that you asked. I know that some men just send out that vibe of being someone safe to talk to, and I'm not surprised you encounter a lot of women who confide in you. Good on you for being a solid support.

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: February 20, 2015, 03:08:07 PM »
I'm back.... once again with my tail between my legs.
My heart isn't in this like it used to be. I'm using all my energy to focus on healing myself from the assault, and I'm letting my resolve slip on this. That's not what I want. I know that this addiction is just as important to be fighting in my efforts to feel whole again, but I just can't seem to give a damn. But I can proudly report that I haven't been back on the chat sites! I have been very tempted, but every time I think of it I just put my laptop under my bed and pull out a book. I'm still angry at myself for going back, but I'm not surprised and I know why I did. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am valuable for more than my body. Porn definitely doesn't help me remember that.

I had a little bit of a breakdown at my support group on Wednesday. (I really love my group - thank you so much to everyone who suggested I go!!! It's become my favorite part of the week.)  I was crying because I am so, so, so angry with God, and angry with my attacker for making me angry with God when I had been in such a good place. I'm furious that God brought me through 8 years of healing after the boy who hurt me in high school, and was helping me recover from porn addiction, and then WHAM! Back at square one. It's not fair, and life's not fair, and I'm angry.
I also told my group members about how I confronted my rapist and made him cry, and put up posters around campus calling him out.... I actually got cheering and applause. That felt REALLY good. It's hard for me to realize how many opportunities I've had that other women don't have when it comes to seeking justice and confronting their attackers. They called me a Badass Powerful Warrior Woman! That's my new name for myself. :)

Chiefmitch, I really need to keep your words in mind. C and my counselor tell me this all the time, but it's so hard to tell myself. Thank you for reminding me.
Your flaws will not prevent someone from loving you because everyone on this planet has flaws. Take heart in the knowledge that you are facing your demons and that takes more courage than most people can muster.

I'm going to try to make a point of coming on here more often. I know that I fight the addiction best when I have a community of supporters, and I need to make that a priority as well.
Gracie... You never messaged me! :(

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: January 20, 2015, 04:45:03 PM »
Well here I am, starting over again. 5 days 'sober'. I'm not 100% certain, but I think Christmas Eve was the start of my relapse binge.

I decided to press charges against my rapist through my University instead of through the police. They have the power to expel him, even though he's gone now, and that would be indicated on his transcripts for any college he decides to go to in Denmark. They also have the power to ban him from the campus in my city, which would guarantee him never coming back.
My University has been very supportive of me, and the Dean even helped my by rearranging my practicum dates so that I can go to a support group every Wednesday.

I guess it was the stress that sent me back to porn. Oddly enough, I think it was also a form of celebrating. I was feeling really good about my decision to act through the University, and that was just a day before my relapse. I wasn't going to count my relapse initially, and was just going to admit to it on here without resetting my counter. Unfortunately, as the days went by it kept getting worse and worse with me spending more time on the computer, and even my phone, looking at porn. I ended up doing the worst possible thing I could ever do, and I went to chat roulette. That was were I started before I got into more serious sex cams, and I know that going back there was basically me giving up on myself. I went there 3 times, and had cyber sex with around 10 men in one week. If that's not a full blown cry for help, I don't know what is. I'm happy to say that I did not become suicidal this time, which means everything to me. I am of course worried about having been recorded; I've been worried for the past 3 years and now I'm worried again. I feel kind of pathetic about having gone back to the cams. When I started the first time, I became enticed into that world because I had been rejected by a guy I'd really liked, and when I went on there I was constantly told how beautiful and sexy I was. I was in such a bad place, and so used to watching women abuse themselves that I let myself be coerced into it. This time I should have been so much stronger. I should have told myself all the great and valid reasons why I don't need their validation. Instead I ignored all the amazing changes I've made in my life, and everything I've learned through my reboot and just threw it away for some compliments. I hate that.

I'm just as dedicated to cut porn out of my life as I was 1 month ago, and I'm honestly baffled as to how I let myself get so out of hand.

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: December 22, 2014, 08:13:30 PM »
I found out just in time that today is my very last day to report my sexual assault. Because our courts will be closed over Christmas, and because the rapist is flying back to Denmark (forever) in less than a week, I have roughly 5 hours to act if I want to do anything.
I thought I had decided not to press charges, but now that the opportunity is going to be gone forever, I'm having second thoughts and I need to face this problem seriously. I'm terrified I will make the wrong decision.

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: December 19, 2014, 05:38:37 PM »
I went to the counselling and the support group. The counselling was great! I really like the woman I was talking to, she understands what I'm feeling and she doesn't let me off the hook when I try and brush past something. I had a good cry. We're meeting again after New Year's.  The support group I feel has the potential to be good. It was their Christmas party when I went, so it wasn't like their normal meetings. We just went around in a circle real quick so I could meet everyone and some people talked about what was stressing them out lately, then there was snacks and crafts. Everyone is really nice and 'supportive' which is great. (I actually got a present from them, which I have mixed feelings about. I guess people in the community donated Christmas gifts and I got a beautiful, soft blanket, some soap, and some chocolates. But.... I'm well off? Should I be taking charity? I accepted it because I was really touched and I felt it would be rude not to, but I feel kind of bad. ) There's another informal meeting on Tuesday that I'm going to.
I found out that my rapist is most likely leaving the country within a week. I feel terrible. I feel like he's getting away with what he did to me, and I'm running out of time to do something. C told me, and he thought I would be really happy, but I am so, so angry that he gets to leave without anyone knowing what he did.
I've been slipping up a lot lately. I've been purposefully allowing popups to come up that I know have like a 50% chance of being scantily clad women, then looking at them longer than necessary when they do. It's not P. But I wish it was. I also have been playing the game I mentioned a few posts ago. It's not P but it's close enough. I'm sliding into apathy again, which was the thing that lead me into relapsing the last time. I've also been sexualizing myself a lot lately. I have honestly been obsessed with finding what is pretty much a dress a stripper would wear. I have nowhere to wear that kind of dress, but I really want one. I don't know why. I don't know where I got the idea. I'm not letting myself buy one, but the fact that the thought keeps coming into my mind is driving me crazy. I don't like myself when I'm over sexualizing myself, I feel insecure and worthless and I let myself do things I regret. I know that these feelings are coming back because I've let myself slip. The number one thing I can do to stop this is to stop myself from playing that game. I think it's time to install a K9 blocker. I didn't want to before, because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this alone. But it's been 150 days!!! I think it's pretty obvious I CAN do this, but I don't have to make it any harder than it already is.
(Wow 150 days! I hadn't realized!)

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: December 14, 2014, 03:30:27 PM »
Thank you for your advice, guys. :)
I called my city's Sexual Assault Centre and asked about support groups. I'm going to a meeting on Wednesday, and they've set me up with additional FREE counselling as well. I'm pretty excited to be able to talk about it with people who know the feeling. The group is actually for childhood survivors of assault or abuse, but the woman I talked to said that other people with recent trauma go sometimes too.

How's it going with restoring that car?

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: December 11, 2014, 04:32:49 PM »
Perhaps I've been a bit too whiny on here. I'm not depressed. I'm just going through a very rough time.
My addiction is holding steady. I accidentally saw a pornographic image while I was on my phone yesterday, and I didn't dwell on it. I just clicked it away and moved on.
I saw my counselor for the first time in a month yesterday, for like 20 minutes, and I don't have an appointment with him for another month. So I'm starting to realize that that's not really working out. Maybe you're right and I should find a support group or something, but I feel like because there's so many different things coming at me, no one support group is going to be the right fit. I'll look into it though. I'll try anything to feel better again.
I'm going to try to keep these posts more upbeat.

Good on you, justaguy!!!  I remember that feeling from earlier in my reboot too. It's weird that we automatically think of it as a reward and as a coping mechanism. Nice work on shutting it down. Where are you at with the games now? Maybe after the subscription expires it would be worth doing an experiment to see if you can go a week without it? That way you'll be able to understand what kind of effect it's having on your reboot. Just a thought.

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: December 04, 2014, 02:36:54 AM »

But not having real flesh and blood that you can talk to and just have that companionship can be a bit of a draw back.
If I read between the lines I think this is what you need. This could possibly also be the reason why you started chatting and sexting.
The old age psychological thing that any attention is better than none, even if it is negative attention...

Spot on, PMOVictory. :(  But how do I fix that? Aside from a friend and a very hard to get a hold of counselor, who can I talk to?

Welcome! We're all glad you're working to fight your addiction.  ;D
Yes, you are journaling correctly. To add to your journal when you have an update just click reply at the bottom of the page, type into the box, then hit post. It makes your journey a lot easier for you and everyone else to follow if you keep it on one page like this. That being said, feel free to share with other people on their journals or in public forums as well - just keep this one for your personal journal entries.
Some people find that keeping a counter helps them out. If you think it would be good for you, you can click on the counter under my post and it will take you to a page where you can set one up.
It looks you're in a great place to begin your reboot, having done some research previously, and understand that it's not going to be easy. Just keep in mind that you have a whole community here cheering for you and you can ask anyone for advice! I wish you the best of luck!!

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: December 02, 2014, 01:02:57 AM »
Yelashade... I am so unbelievably busy, but I still make time for moping around and going online. Trust me, I have much better things to be doing. The trouble is that when I get in these moods I just stop caring. I think that no matter what activity I'm doing, I'm still going to try and blow it off to procrastinate. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying I'm not willing to fix it right now.  :-\
Thanks for that article SORP, it really is a struggle. I have so many decisions I have to make right now, and I don't know how to make them without even knowing who I am.  I was offered a promotion at work, and a full-time position. My bosses were prepared to train me for advancement in the future, and I really can see a future for myself there. The catch is I would have to quit school. I considered it because I'm not doing very well in school at the moment. I'm not motivated, and I can't focus on any assignments or readings.
But the kicker was when I thought, "Well, if I give up on school, it's saying my rapist wins. It's saying I'm letting him decide how I feel and how those emotions effect my life. If I stay in school, I win because I'm not letting my rape dictate my future". Then I just got really, really angry because I shouldn't be making my decisions based on being a rape victim. Also because I shouldn't BE a rape victim. It was hard to rule that out of the equation and just ask myself what I really want to do, and how God can use me.
So I've decided to stay in my college to become a teacher, which is what I've been doing for the past few months. I have this idea of me teaching Health class to grade 9's, and talking about important issues like sexual assault and pornography addiction. (Although I don't know if I would even be ALLOWED to be a teacher if people knew about my past...)
Anyways, update on the addiction: I M'd today while online.  I started looking at sexy pictures, but stopped myself. I knew exactly what I was doing and did it anyways because I was wallowing in self-pity. Then just as I typed that I tried to convince myself to go back to the pictures, but I will not. I'm angry, but I'm not going to let me screw myself over just because I'm having a rough day.

Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 Day nofap Journal ends on my 23rd birthday!
« on: November 30, 2014, 11:37:13 AM »
I wouldn't feel too concerned about it, but I would try to  get the fantasies under control. "Vanilla" fantasies about real women are a good sign, and proof you're getting your natural libido back. On the other hand, it's going to make it a lot harder. As a porn addict, you're used to immediate reward and satisfaction. Part of the reboot process is rewiring yourself to wait for real sex. But like you said, it's not going to happen "then and there" and you're left dwelling on it all day which isn't helpful. I would also caution that while you're checking these women out, make sure you're not objectifying them. Are you focusing on one part of their body? Are you seeing them as only something for sex?  Try thinking about who they are as people and what a date with them would be like.  I don't know what it's like for you, but I didn't even notice I was doing it until pretty late in my reboot.  Objectifying women is another unfortunate side of P addiction though and while checking them out is nice, make sure it's not hurting your reboot  in the long run.  It sounds like you've already come to some of these conclusions, but hearing them again never hurts, right?  Keep up the good work!

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: November 29, 2014, 01:25:53 PM »
I'm back!
I have positive news and not-so-positive news.
130 days without porn. I know it's not a big significant number, but it's still huge.
I found out I made the Dean's List for my college! Top 5%!!!! (I don't care if that's not what this forum is for, I'm freaking PROUD!)
I stopped using Tinder obsessively.
My practicum for this semester is over, and I only have one more week of classes before Christmas break.

My acne is back in full force, possibly from stress, possibly from me not taking care of myself.
I have significantly increased the amount of time per week that I spend M-ing. (I never stopped myself from it before, so long as I wasn't fantasizing about porn, but now it has gotten out of hand)
I messed up big time and sent sexy snapchats to a guy I met on Tinder.

These problems are coming from me not knowing who I am as a sexual being. **Trigger alert if listening to confused sexual ramblings does it for you**
 First I was the virgin, then I was abused, then I was healing, then I was the sexcam girl, then I was the chaste girlfriend, then I was the adventurous fiancee, then the rape victim, and now the newly-single-virgin-rape-victim-who-also-happens-to-be-a-recovering-pornography-addict. I am extremely confused. I want to have new experiences with men, but it's very complicated for me.
The biggest issue I am having is fantasizing. Before, I used to imagine me and my fiancee, but now it's obviously too painful. My body still wants to M, but my mind is confused. It goes back to encounters I've had with other men, but the limitations on that number sometimes lead to me remembering my rape while M-ing. That hurts a lot more, and its scary. So on a couple instances I started thinking about porn. Some times I haven't been sure if what I am imagining is pornography or not. What is the difference between imagining oneself in a situation, and imagining a scene you've watched? Are they not both detrimental? I don't know what I'm drawing on for my fantasies anymore, so it's become a concern.
As for the guy from Tinder, I have been talking to him for a while. I don't actually feel much of a connection to him, but I initiated a sexy snap conversation that went way too far. I told myself I would never "sext", because it's a stupid, dangerous thing to do. Then I got bored and horny and next thing you know... I feel bad about it. I'm not destroyed but I'm shaking my head at myself and wondering why I would do that in the first place. I'm also embarrassed with myself because it lasted for hours, even after I stopped being into it. I just kept going because I felt that I had to. I absolutely despise that sense of compulsion. It's not how I want to feel, ever.
So long story short, I've messed up but I've learnt from it. I've just got to keep going.

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: November 22, 2014, 03:07:30 AM »
Joke from my friend C that I thought you guys would like. When he told it, there was no lead up and I thought we were about to have a very serious conversation:

"So I think I've been masturbating too much. I went to the doctor for a physical the other day and she was like,"Wow, C, you really need to stop masturbating!" And I said, "Why?" and she said, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical!" "

I just laughed and shook my head and said, "Omg. I'm totally putting that on Rebootnation."  :P

That's all for right now. It's been a long, exhausting week and if I make a big post now it will be too negative. I'm doing significantly better than I was the last time I posted, and I appreciate everyone's support and advice. I'm hanging in here.

Congrats on making it through :)  And now you know a habit that you have to monitor better, and you've proved to yourself that you have the self restraint necessary to keep going. Sounds like you're in a good position!
PS. Lol'ed at the part about your supervisor. Love it.

Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 Day nofap Journal ends on my 23rd birthday!
« on: November 21, 2014, 02:20:37 AM »
Yelashade.... didn't you just tell me to get off of Tinder?
It was good advice. I listened to it and it helped with some of my anxiety. You should listen to it too!
And congrats on the interview, I hope that works out for you.

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