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Messages - Orbiter

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« on: March 16, 2020, 04:56:56 AM »
14 days is great KittyHawk!

Dust yourself off and try again. Every day is progress as you say, just make sure to stay vigilant on using the laptop and phone excessively. Personally I find my relapses can often creep in from too much idle-browsing alone. A little while back, I used to practice mindful browsing, i.e. going on the internet only when I had a particular reason to, and closing it as soon as that task or reason was finished. It worked great, though I relapsed and eventually forgot about it...until I actually read your post and remembered.

Perhaps this is worth a go?

2
Hey Shade,

Sometimes I think that initial period is the easiest part. It's the part after the eureka moment and the rush of self-confidence and motivation that comes with that initial decision to making an improvement that could change our lives. Maintaining it is far harder and the rewards are not always immediately tangible. You will make it though, just keep going and don't give up no matter what. Every day is a victory.

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Getting my life back
« on: March 16, 2020, 04:48:35 AM »
Hey Freddy,

Anything new? Hope everythings going well.

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: March 16, 2020, 04:47:05 AM »
Hey guys,

Firstly many thanks for the messages of support. I haven't been updating this because I got sick of coming here week in and week out saying the same thing - staying clean all working week and relapsed 1-3 times over the weekend. This is the pattern I have fallen into and the length and nature of material has been gradually escalating in recent weeks.

I feel like my main reasons at the moment for this 'routine' is an outlet from stresses at work, which are ironically being compounded by the brainfog and a way to ease the longing that I feel at times for both my ex and a friend I developed feelings for who does not reciprocate. I think I have to address these underlying feelings as it is preventing me from moving forward...and it's well past the time of moving forward.

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« on: February 09, 2020, 04:54:26 AM »
Welcome back KittyHawk!

6
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: February 09, 2020, 04:53:38 AM »
Relapsed in the early hours of day 7. Was very drunk at the time and at the end of quite a stressful week. I guess it's good that it's the only one this week and I haven't 'binged' in several weeks but beyond that, the motivation just doesn't seem to be there at the moment :-\

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: February 04, 2020, 04:41:02 AM »
Hi Shade, thanks for dropping by. Unfortunately my evenings and nights have been too busy the last few days to keep this properly up to date. Time to get this journal back in action which means I am at...

DAY 2

Unfortunately I relapse 3 times over the weekend. Attempts at having quieter nights have not been very successful as I had a friend from overseas visit which involved me going out and being out late quite a lot and drinking a lot as well. Though I can identify the most recent triggers as a mixture of tiredness and loneliness, identifying this isn't enough. I clearly need to come up with a plan of action to actually deal with & ideally prevent these specific triggers. Otherwise I feel doomed to make the same mistake again and again every weekend.

In postive news, diet, exercise and overall energy are improved. In the long run, I feel like this will be a  aid to my progress once I have address some other areas of my recovery.

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 26, 2020, 04:04:05 PM »
Relapsed on day 6 and MO'd yesterday so I guess that makes it...

H.A.L.T Check - L & T

DAY 2 no PMO - DAY 1 no MO

Similar triggers as last time. I have been very busy the last few days travelling interstate visiting friends and had both a lot to drink as well as very little sleep the whole time. There is a woman I know I also have feelings for who I am somewhat sure does not reciprocate them. I finally admitted to myself this is getting to me more than I thought and contributing to the urge. Also work is stressful.

Relapsing every week is obviously better than every day but this is nowhere near where I want to be. Had some erection difficulties with the MO yesterday as well which is a sign I have lost some of the progress I have made recently.

The next week looks quieter. I need to relax my schedule, regroup with this focus more on myself. I feel like I was so out of it I didn't even realise I was relapsing until half way through.

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Getting my life back
« on: January 21, 2020, 07:06:34 AM »
Sounds like you've got things back on track. Nicely done!

10
Try not to get too down on yourself. Those negative thought patterns lead right to relapse and 38 days no porn is nothing to feel down about or be dissapointed with. Let it be for today, wake up rested tomorrow and get things back on track then.

You've got this man.

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 21, 2020, 07:02:10 AM »
Hi Shade,

Tiredness & fatigue I have realized are a big trigger for me and are something I need to avoid. When I get overly tired I get into a negative and depressed state of mind. Both of the recent relapses have been under these circumstances.

As with last time, thanks for dropping by and for your support.

DAY 2
Been busy with work the last two days. Focusing on my exercise and maintaining a calm, healthy state of mind while doing so and not pushing myself too hard. So far, so good.

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 19, 2020, 05:38:48 AM »
DAY 6...to 0

H.A.L.T Check - L & T

Relapsed. Similar situation & reasons to last time though the relapse itself not as severe. Feeling very down tonight but I will sleep on it and regroup tomorrow.

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 15, 2020, 06:16:17 PM »
DAY 3 No P - DAY 1 No MO

The last few days have been easy to fill with various things to keep me busy. I've been persuing activities outside the house and spending a lot of time with friends and family. Exercise has been a boost and a big help in getting me back on track. One MO in the morning yesterday with no porn involved which I am not beating myself up over.

Not much else to report...

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 15, 2020, 06:06:49 PM »
DAY 0

Relapsed in the early hours of the morning and two more times later that morning. I had come home from a friends birthday far too late after having far too much to drink. I also noticed i've been smoking more this week, perhaps a slow buildup of stress due to the reality of returning to work next week.

I think the solution is to simply make sure I don't put myself in this situation during rebooting process. Excessive drinking has to be controlled and I need to leave social events earlier. Being drunk and home alone at 4am is not a good situation to put myself in and I should know better by now.

Back to square one.

Good that you face the truth. I think you might need to rethink your approach somewhat or consider if you are really committed to what you are trying to achieve? I have been in this vicious circle for years and I would not want it for anyone else, that is why I am proposing that you would look at some alternatives.

Hey Freddy, thanks for dropping by and for your thoughts.

Committment is a tricky one I admit. I go through phases where I am committed and others where I feel too exhausted and give up for a period until I have sunk low enough to recommit to the process. It can sometimes feel easy to despair of ever being free of this, especially after such a long time of battling it. It's like a sort of limbo state. Giving up is not an option, succeeding often feels impossible. What to do but keep trying and looking for new ways to break through? I am open to alternatives but is there actually one?

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 12, 2020, 09:52:18 PM »
DAY 0

Relapsed in the early hours of the morning and two more times later that morning. I had come home from a friends birthday far too late after having far too much to drink. I also noticed i've been smoking more this week, perhaps a slow buildup of stress due to the reality of returning to work next week.

I think the solution is to simply make sure I don't put myself in this situation during rebooting process. Excessive drinking has to be controlled and I need to leave social events earlier. Being drunk and home alone at 4am is not a good situation to put myself in and I should know better by now.

Back to square one.

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 12, 2020, 03:31:49 PM »
Relapsed just now.

Update to come.

17
Great job Shade! You've got a lot of strength to resist in a situation like that. Each time you do, those pathways in the brain will become gradually weaker and weaker so keep it up.

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 10, 2020, 05:19:36 PM »
DAY 4

I really want to continue the exercise today but i'm also still quite sore all over from the last session. Perhaps if I stay hydrated, eat well and do some stretches I will feel better.

So far very little to report today other than I feel like I am coming out of my post-relapse slump which is nice. My committment to this has not waned since but I still need to be vigilant, days 4-8 are a danger point for relapses.

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 10, 2020, 05:16:30 PM »
Hey Orbiter,

I've been reading your struggles and hats of to you for keeping on going, despite the relapses. I applaud you. For keeping up, for accepting what went wrong and for keeping on analysing. Although it may not seem like you are successful, you actually are for doing all this. Keep on going strong brother, I am rooting for you

Hi Shade,

Thanks for the encouragement and the positive comments. I try not to dwell too often on how long I have been doing this for, but I do know in the back of my mind it has been almost 8 years of on-and-off reboot attempts. There have been a lot of other life struggles in that time I have had to focus where rebooting wasn't a priority but it has still been a long time, especially to still be at this point. However I must persevere, if for no other reason than I simply have no choice.

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 09, 2020, 10:57:18 PM »
DAY 3

Exercise went well. I feel much better after despite some soreness from not doing it for two months. I'll take a rest day and get back to it tomorrow.

Mood & energy have been quite low over the last two days but i'm hoping if I keep with abstaining and healthy habits i'll bounce back.

I think one thing I really need to take to heart from this last relapse is I will not suceed unless I am working towards some other form of betterment or self-actualization while doing this. There are simply too many triggers and moments of weakness to be idle and sit around doing the same old waiting for recovery to happen. This needs to be a proactive processs.

21
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 08, 2020, 04:29:51 PM »
DAY 2

One more relapse in the early hours of yesterday again but I feel like that's out of my system now and my head is clear. One of the problems leading up to the last relapse was that I had not made the effort to put any positive habits to subsitute the cravings. I staved them off for awhile by going out a lot and keeping busy but when I was too exhausted to continue, all the triggers and no strategies faced me at home. I also wiped the free space on my computer yesterday so hopefully this means no unexpected porn should resurface.

Today I will start working on an exercise for the morning and I will spend the rest of the day with family. Time to get this back on track.

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 07, 2020, 09:03:31 AM »
Relapsed in the early hours of Day 17. I was scanning my hard drive to recover some files and a few images and videos resurfaced. After looking through I closed the computer and went outside only to hear my neighbours loudly having sex in the next apartment. I caved in and relapsed for roughly an hour. I will make a secure erase of my hard drive to get rid of any remaining porn tomorrow and endeavor to learn from this lapse.

For now I will sleep on it.

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 06, 2020, 08:34:09 PM »
DAY 16

This is starting to get difficult. Lots of urges and sexualized thoughts that I am trying to control at the moment.

To recap, the urges on day 12 just kept coming back again and again. In the end I 'tested' but did not orgasm. I took it really slow, focusing & being aware of the sensations through my body and what areas felt sensitive and what didn't. Downstairs woke quite slowly but was one hundred percent solid once it was. It was almost tantric and beyond a certain point felt overwhelming, much more powerful than any PMO I have ever had. I did this for awhile and eventually reached a point where I had to make a choice to stop or pass the 'point of no return'. I decided eventually that it was time to stop.

It worked surprisingly well. I felt really great afterwards with no blue balls, mood drop, brain-fog or anything else. I also felt no urges after. On the other hand, it was pretty risky and not something I will attempt again until I have passed my monthly mark.

I have avoided triggers over the last few days by being productive and spending a lot of time doing things outside the house. This has been very positive but I have been staying up and partying too much as a result. I was tempted to peek on my phone last night but thankfully did not. My sense took over in the end but I need to be careful to put myself in positions where I am too tired and short on self control as this is a danger.

Today will be a day of rest and getting up to speed on domestic tasks. I will be vigilant.

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 06, 2020, 08:07:28 PM »
Hey man, good job on recognizing the triggers and for the streak.

What I felt helped for me is to immediately do push-ups or squats the second I feel the urge coming. Maybe this, or some similar counter trigger will help you.

I wish you all the best and good luck on day 12-19

Hey Shade,

Thanks so much for dropping by. Pushups, squats and situps are great when you need that short-term urge kill. I did it myself on that day and have been periodically doing so here and there. I'm trying to make it into a regular or at least sustainable habit.

Great job on your own streak. Glancing at your journal, you seem to be making great progress yourself!

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: January 03, 2020, 12:46:28 AM »
DAY 12

Okay so to cut a long story short, I have steered myself away from the brink of relapse TWICE today. I think poor sleep, mindless browsing and some exposure to triggering sexual discussion on Reddit are to blame. Despite the strong, persistent urges, I don't have any libido or response downstairs today which should make it clear to me this is nothing more than withdrawals at work.

I really, really, REALLY do not want to lose my streak at this point as I feel I am finally on a sustainable streak and making progress but the urge is very strong. After the second close call, I put down my phone, made myself a big meal, did chores and did one round of pushups in an attempt to snap myself out of it.

Lessons learnt - Mindless browsing is a no-no. I attempted 'mindful browsing' in another streak earlier that I seemed to recall worked out quite well for me. This means logging onto the internet for a specific purpose that is decided earlier and logging off as soon as it is finished. The next seven or so days will be a difficult period as days 12-19 usually are. I need to be vigilant and making better use of my time to better my life and make habits to curtail the aimless browsing and time-wasting.

Also, having two strong coffees in the morning after a bad nights sleep and before any breakfast was a bad idea. Even mild stimulants I need to be very careful with.

Also no more Reddit at these early stages. It is far too risky.

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