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Messages - Joel

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Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: December 03, 2020, 07:51:47 AM »
Thanks Phin!

Day 8
Bad night’s sleep – today I’m groggy and triggered by the discomfort. Being very cautious and making it a day of low hanging fruit. Keeping up my good habits – doing small versions of them though! And doing well at avoiding the bad habits (‘if this is a streak, you can’t play a fantasy in your head – that’s the same as watching P’ – that mantra is a huge game changer - just had to say it again! )

Good moment to write about an interesting moment I had. I’ve been doing ‘writing practice’ – writing my thoughts, and I read a challenge – ‘write about something you do, something that is uncomfortable to write about.’ I felt I had to write about PA – it was very painful to begin with (‘Nobody can ever see this’), but I loosened up and even mentioned my P fetishes and my bemusement over them.

At the same time, I read a good Mark Manson essay on Self Awareness, stand out statements 1 – self awareness should only go so far before it’s self indulgent (I don’t need to over-analyse my fetishes, which P has partly created). statement 2 – the point of self awareness is self acceptance (not – Jesus, look, at me, I’m a piece of s***). And when you can accept this very human part of yourself (ie your faults, because we all have them), you can be accepting of others.

Wow, this really touched something in me. I’m so judgmental of others. I have this special expectation for people that I’ve created and the world is continuously failing to live up to it. One silly but perfect example came up for me that day. I watched a YouTube video by a content creator I like, and – idiot rubber-necker that I am – I scrolled to the comments, and I saw a mean, nasty, but patiently thought out and written comment. Things like that make me despair for mankind, because it’s a culture that didn’t exist a few years ago. Back then we may have had angry letters to an editor, but this modern kind of thing seems to show how people are getting meaner and dumber.

Now, I think, a YouTube comment is the guy’s negativity coming out. My negativity comes out through an attitude about women and P, and it strikes me as more acceptable as it’s a bad habit, but at least it’s not calculated to make others feel shit. My fetish comes out of not feeling in control of my life and the world around me, a sense of entitlement I’ve always had, and the general negativity of day to day life that can push down on me.

So I can accept his actions without despairing for all of modern man, and see him as a fellow human being, instead of seeing the human race becoming a weird alien race that I can’t comprehend and have nothing in common with. Self awareness, self acceptance and acceptance of others, people!

Time to shuffle through the rest of the day

Ages 40 and up / Re: How Shall We Escape?
« on: December 02, 2020, 12:19:26 PM »
Thank you, Liga!

Listening to a podcast from Kathryn Hansen, author of Brain Over Binge, and she said that for binge-eating (I always look at the similarities with other addictions), there's only two things for them to focus on:

1. Dismissing the urges, and-

2. Eating properly when the body is hungry (instead of extreme dieting, kicking the body into survival mode, and hence back to the urges).

So I was thinking, what two things would we rebooters, recovering/recovered sex or porn addicts have to focus on?

1. Dismissing the urges, and-

2. Reconnecting with real life, real-world sex with a significant other (some would say, actual sex period), intimacy with others, emotional intimacy as well.

Simple, right? We get into trouble when we accept the over complicating theories of the 'disease-model' of addiction.

Be well, All.

Very true, Phin. I heard Matt Dobsheutz recently say (in response to a PA having trouble in the bedroom), it's not real progress if you stay clean/ don't binge by continuously fasting (yep, strayed into the food analogy there). I'm enjoying rereading bits of Jay Stringer's book - Unwanted, that says our sensuality and our Eros shouldn't be ignored - and now we're aware of how we've used these sensations negatively, it's time to celebrate them. I do find it tricky through as i've been tangling everything up for so long.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« on: December 02, 2020, 12:13:17 PM »
Great stuff, Norm. Though I don't think anyone here begrudges success, they take HOPE from it; that's why there's a whole sub-forum called Success Stories. I'm here more when I struggle, for sure, but it's a downer to be hopeful for others and see them not doing well. I, for one, love a happy post like the one you just posted. Totally understandable though that you don't have much to say because you're beating this habit to a pulp, which is where it belongs.

And on that, great to hear about your progress, Guy! Awesome to see you leaning into the community. The Dobber would approve. Yes, he would.

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: December 02, 2020, 12:06:54 PM »
1 week! whoop! I'll be getting takeout tonight :)

Faced all challenges today, practiced good habits (and getting used to the exercise!). As for negative habits, there was some P fantasy spinning this morning. Such a common habit when I wake up feeling 'morningish'. I'm getting better at this though, as I see now it's not really allowed. I stop myself by saying, 'That's PORN. You're playing it in your head. If you want to be clean that means NO PORN.'

Thanks so much @Phin. Yes, I never thought of that. It shouldn't be, 'Oh, no! Look, my heart is thumping.' It should be - 'Oh, look, my heart is thumping, that's what the body does when I indulge bad ideas.' Objectively look at the physicality - such a game changer.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: December 01, 2020, 11:23:33 AM »
Great work, jixu. If it doesn't get you fired, staying clean by doing exercise always takes priority over schedules!

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: December 01, 2020, 11:21:55 AM »
Thanks Liga!

Day 6

Woke up this morning with a kind of porn dream happening in my mind. I dozed and played fantasy - not completely my fault, but a better version of me would have seen what was happening and got out of bed. Wife is having her time of the month for a week. Sex wasn't on the table. If it was, would I have behaved myself, or played with fantasy for the high? As I was bloated with fantasies and happy chemicals from earlier. Who knows. All I can do is vizualize doing the deed healthily and hope to succeed at healthy sex next time the opportunity comes along. Now I have a nice opportunity to put sexuality out of my mind for a week and clock up a few more clean days.

Did my hour's work on my wife's unprotected Mac (and wife left the house, of course). It did occur to me that I could relapse, then, boy, my heart started thumping. I didn't need to do much to resist this. Tomorrow it will be a week completely clean, I didn't want to screw that up for the 3rd time running, and I wanted to be accountable here. Thanks everyone out there being part of this community and keeping me grounded. So, I thought, this streak may be short, but it's an important one.

Keeping up my healthy habits. My exercise has lagged recently, so my workout yesterday left me with a few uncomfortable aches and pains, got to ease through the discomfort to where I can exercise without it leaving me too sore. Though I don't always stretch down as much as I should!

So, a good day. Going to get some exercise in now  :o

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 30, 2020, 11:14:13 AM »
Thanks, Phineas, and thanks for reminder about your links list - some good resources there I'd like to get into.
You're discovering, rediscovering your inner strength, and that you can outlast any urges as you simply and mindfully breathe through them.

Yes, they were present today. Perhaps I felt tired and it was a cold grey Monday in lockdown. But I didn't want them, and I knew the promise of pleasurable escape was a lie, so I 'tuned it down'. I thought - this urge is about a 6, breathe slowly, relax and do some common sense self talk and get it down to a 4. I had to do this repeatedly, but it working nicely. Want to hit a week after the last two fails and have a take-out celebration on that night, and move forward from there.

My wife has a spare Mac that I needed to do some work on for her today. I wanted to sign into 'Freedom' to set up my blocks but it didn't work. So it's going to be a tricky challenge. I'm going to spread the work out to 1h a day - hopefully the job shouldn't take too long. I just stayed very very focused. Have a great day alll. See you tomorrow!

(PS! Forgot to say - am well on top of all foundational habits)

Ages 40 and up / Re: How Shall We Escape?
« on: November 29, 2020, 12:58:24 PM »
if you think something may trip you up in the future, or something represents a compromise to what you're trying to accomplish.

totally agree.

Love the quotes, very inspiring. Have a great start to the week, Phineas.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: November 29, 2020, 12:32:41 PM »
Well done on the streak, jixu!

Is there another way to deal with the stress? 7 minutes pure rest/ listening to calming music, or a bath? Yep, these don't compare to the dopamine shock of P, but if you try them, you'll see they make you feel better, and P makes you feel worse, stress won't give you P urges as much as the urge to relax. Just a thought. Carry on!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Bringing it around full circle
« on: November 29, 2020, 12:28:17 PM »
Work stress followed by holiday stress?? What a vicious cycle! Well done on getting accountable, and your plan sounds great. Let's make this one count.

There were several opportunities for me to check in and seek accountability

yeh, got to reel it in before the body takes over and the intellect still has a chance.

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 29, 2020, 12:24:04 PM »
Day 4

Thanks, Phineas. keeping this habit tiny was referring to posting on the forum as I want to be consistent with this, even if it means writing only a line or two.

having just endured the cold, our brains habitually went to thought-patterns that would alter our discomfort

Yep! Absolutely textbook. I'm working on getting more comfortable with discomfort - wanting to escape has led to a lot of bad habits for me.

And thanks, Liga. Yes, have been feeling these aftershock urges. On a longer streak, my brain mostly understood what was not on the menu, now it thinks it has a chance of talking me into something stupid. I've told myself 'this is the streak, no more screwing up' - it seems to have helped.

No daydreaming today, stayed in the present. On top of foundational habits. But did allow sex with fantasy yesterday - just couldn't resist the high. Wrote a note for my daily alignments - 'head porn is porn - it is illicit. Allow yourself positive sexuality.' Going to do my best to succeed at this next time.

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 28, 2020, 11:20:40 AM »
Another quick check in - keeping this habit tiny is better than not being consistent.

Dragged out by the wife today to be sociable with some friends out in the cold. Got home and got online, started to scroll through movie websites which triggered something bestial in the brain but I pulled myself back - after I write this post - I'll put a web block on - online is not the place i want to be hanging out. Also, while I was out in the cold in slight discomfort, I started spinning fantasies - so I'm going to take them apart. Going to process everything, instead of letting it build and I start feeling like I'm a deprived entitled goofball. Have a great weekend all.

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 27, 2020, 12:32:21 PM »
Thanks a lot, Phin and Jixu! Another good day. Feeling knackered so it was a low hanging fruit day, and this'll be a very short post, but did all my recovery habits, and avoided any negative thoughts and behaviours. See you tomorrow!

Ages 40 and up / Re: How Shall We Escape?
« on: November 26, 2020, 11:32:26 AM »
Sounds good, Phineus! Seems like such a small tweak. But this habit change was a huge gamechanger in my recovery.

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 26, 2020, 11:30:15 AM »
Thanks so much, guys. Your support really means a lot.

Day 1
I was feeling fearful yesterday, going from a streak of months, to a streak of weeks, to a streak of a few days, to a streak of even less days. But then I let go of the shame and the hopelessness as I knew that wouldn’t help me - and they were clouding my judgments. then I could see my relapse patterns, and that my plan has been working for me, but after a few days, I ease up on my nofap-foundation-habits, and temptation creeps in.

Also, sex with fantasy has been hindering my progress. I’m playing porn movies in my mind, not letting go of the addiction and the high; I’ve written this many times before – but I’m just reminding myself that these ‘sudden relapses out of the blue’ aren’t happening for no reason, I’m making them happen through my actions (well, my thoughts). I’ve been improving on sex-without-fantasy, but it's time to be stricter with myself and be accountable here on every nuance of every ‘movie’ I play in my head (don’t worry, there’ll be no actual details!)

I was focused today - back to the plan, and wasn't haunted by any chaser effect. A lot of healing has been done, but it's time to start another streak, and this time to break into the second phase. Onward!

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 25, 2020, 10:47:16 AM »
Hi all,
I had a serious relapse today. Only made it four days clean. Feel exhausted and foggy. Just wanted to post here – goal is to make it to tomorrow clean – fresh start, fresh mind, time to think this all through. Am in a pmo loop/ addiction cycle at the moment, I’ve had a lot of false starts today, so posting here to make it this start more real. Will check in tomorrow.

Well done on the milestone, Shade. Just channel Frankie!

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 23, 2020, 12:03:25 PM »
Thanks for the post and the encouragement, Phineus. So sad how PMO has muddied our focus on so many varying and important aspects of our lives.

Day 4 - was feeling quite triggered this morning, as I'm not feeling 100%, and fantasy appears as an appealing way to escape aches and discomfort. I journaled, shone some truth on my issues, and focused on work - was a good way to bring me through the day. I also chugged a big chocolate bar and welcomed how much it brought up my mood, not the cleverest method and i won't make a habit of that. Seems my habits - whether it be work hours or down time - are aligned nicely to keep me on the right path for now, during this cold, minimal period of winter-lockdown.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Bringing it around full circle
« on: November 23, 2020, 11:48:22 AM »
Yeh, great Dobber episode - they always feel so timely for me too. I think Blaise Pascal also said “All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” So pertinent.

I'm feeling a little spent at the moment too - but, like you, I think there's a way we can make it work for us in recovery. We really do need to care for ourselves and not fuss with anything except the low hanging fruit. Nofap is of course our priority, because we're just too tired and vulnerable to deal with the consequences right now. Let's find peace, quiet, and balance in the time we have for ourselves, and we can do more 'proactive' recovery when we can.

Ages 40 and up / Re: How Shall We Escape?
« on: November 23, 2020, 08:53:19 AM »
Congrats on the milestone, Phineus. Your self awareness, seriousness and dedication to beating this is definitely apparent in your posts.

Compromises and gateways definitely muddy the water as it keeps those old links alive. Perfectionism can be dangerous too, remember to be forgiving to yourself if there's some kind of slip. This is a decades old habit tied into us and recovery isn't linear.

when tempted, perhaps lean into this other person want to be through action; eg what does pure and fruitful in my life, spiritually, emotionally, and be a real person to my family look like? Maybe you could come up with some actions that personify these things and do them when you feel you've stumbled a couple of steps in the wrong direction.

Enjoy the celebration. Onward!

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 22, 2020, 06:28:42 AM »
Thanks for the post and question, Phineas.

So after a lapse, legitimate sex messes with your reboot?

It certainly does.

I know for me, I might mix fantasies from memory in with my marital sex

Exactly because of the above

but usually I do that if I think I'm going to have performance anxiety...

And that might be part of it. It's just all so mixed up. It's been a part of my pattern since I started having sex, only in the last few months have I made progress by disconnecting two. But my head is so mixed up and fuzzy at the moment, I don't trust myself to be pure of mind and disciplined enough to not lean very heavily into head fantasy. A week feels like a good amount of time to feel less vulnerable and for the muscles of my intellect and loving heart to return (porn consumption really grinds away at both). Then I'll have the strength for you fantastic mantra - This is what sex is, intimate and meaningful with our partner, and not the empty fantasies...!

On that note, it's been a strange weekend for me. I've felt so tired in the body and mind. Have had to stop and sit while taking a walk, and I've had trouble trying to journal or write some simple thoughts - I don't really have any. Mood isn't particularly low though. Just going to accept I'm not 100%, and the only thought I need is - Stay clean. I can handle that.

Recovery wise, it's day 3 (um, or 4), I've made sure there's been some structure to my free days. Yesterday, for example, I made a pile of leisure reading ,and for all of my free time, I just read - was lovely. I have a similar routine planned today.

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 21, 2020, 08:00:07 AM »
Thanks for the feedback, Liga! Actually I totally agree with you haha. That's the one part of Dobber-planning I can't get on board with. I have just a too rebellious nature; I don't do what people tell me to do - including myself most of the time. The no-sex thing is more tied up with how it can screw with reboot and how mixed up my head is feeling; but there was a negative-consequence aspect to it; 'You shouldn't have sex now and should be abstinent for a week, and that's because you acted stupidly.'

Day 1 went well. A REALLY structured day, but I ended up surprising myself with how productive I could be, and felt pretty happy at the end of the day. Right now, I'm home alone with no plan or structure - better get on that before any dumb ideas come to my mind. Have a great day all.

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 20, 2020, 06:57:39 AM »
Thanks, Phineas. Nice to meet you too. Always good to see a fellow serious rebooter on the forum.

Day 1. Feeling focused. No dwelling on screens for the next few days - only work, posting on the forum, and planned TV-watching with others. In free time I'll read, journal, listen to the Dobber and Mark Manson and play music.

Also, as a 'negative consequence' for my relapse - no sex for a week. This is a kind of self-punishment, and of course abstinence is always good for recovery. I'm getting better at being present during sex, but I fail some of the time, porn fantasy appears and my healing is stalled.

Have a great day all.

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 19, 2020, 01:45:14 PM »
Thanks, Shade. Good to hear from you! Hope all's well. I don't mind being a hippy actually, that was just self-conscious talk for any anti-hippies out there. Yeh, the Zen stuff seems to be a really good antidote for porn - sitting with ourselves, not chasing pleasure but seeking equanimity, etc. And like you say, takes a lot of reading and practice!

And thanks, Liga. Didn't quite work. I fell into the same trap I read about on the forum nearly every day. I was doing okay, but I wanted a little pick me up and skirted around a few things. Eventually - today - I didn't feel in control of myself and I PMO'd, and I feel terrible ,but I want more anyway; really dropped myself into the thick of the cycle. I tried internet blocks and staying away from screens, but when I had that space, I didn't do anything meaningful enough to become self aware, and I eventually returned to the indulgent behaviour.

Day 0 - and so it begins

Felt pretty helpless earlier, but writing this, I'm beginning to feel better. Some Dobber advice comes to mind: after a long streak and a relapse, you've created a plan that works. It's just a case of tweaking it so you don't make the same mistake next time.

So, one challenge is getting out of the hole I've just dug for myself, another challenge is succeeding where I failed at the different forks yesterday (gateway pleasures) and today (continuing to indulge and going all the way, ...and not stopping).

So, going back to basics, pasting below my foundational plan from my very first post here:
Wanted to start a journal and this is Day 1. Just listened to a nofap audio that inspired me to affirm my nofap ‘system’

A morning routine, preferably without use of a computer; as morning was my main relapse time.

Some blockers – Google is blocked on my computer before midday. I currently have the web blocked on my phone until 7pm during this tense time of lockdown.

A grid of healthy habits including meditation, exercise

A method for urges I learned from Universal Man on YT - Calm myself (mini meditation), then rationally talk to the urge/ shine truth on the lies, then do something else - preferably physical. Practice!

Journal about issues and emotions that arise, and make a daily day plan

Analyze my relapses so I improve.

And revising my Buy in reasons:

alignments below – they cover what’s important/ positives of being a no fapper/ negatives of P


Love – family, friends, myself, and the people around me (as best I can). Everything in life feels crap without love. Work on connecting to people (don't take them for granted, half-ignoring them)


Awareness/ mindfulness – don’t live life on automatic, angry about being stuck in traffic, pissed because your team lost last night, mulling over an argument you had a year ago. You’re here

Humour/ joy/ fun/ friends

Art, music, creating, passion



It damages the brain, reducing grey matter, creating addictive pathways, damaging reward receptors, motivation and empathy

the brain fog/ headache, numb, drained, energy-less, empty, where-did-the-day-go-? feeling

No reward receptors - no joy …in things that make being alive amazing.

No motivation - Life was so stagnant

Directly causes depression

Kills love and ability to live - I don’t give a crap about anything or anyone


It’s wrong – sex trafficking/ violence on women/trauma they suffer, kids getting exposed to this…

It cultivates hate, inspiring everyone to treat each other like crap

Makes me a creep


I have nothing to show for years, and my craft hasn’t improved/ my work muscle hasn’t grown

Time wasted - days every week for so many years

Motivation …is non-existent for the time I’m not PMO ing, as I'm depleted, or having to focus solely on trying not to PMO

Emulate the people who inspire me.


It’s wrong (see above), but I’m filled with dopamine and I’m caught up in it, so it somehow seems okay/ normal

The compulsion – if I did it only when I wanted to, that would be something. But that I do it against my own will. this thing controls me. I’m trapped.

The weird brain trick - ‘forget the streak quickly and dip in for 30 minutes.’ Shit. another 5 yrs of my life just whizzed by.

Scratch this itch and get a shot of pleasure. Now I’m back in a cycle

I want to watch something in particular - I never watch it. It’s 10 tabs open and chasing a dragon

That relapse during a good streak can set me back a year/ indefinitely

Other things

Take it easy on yourself for 90 days. Nofap is your priority, not work, not being productive - read fun books, take baths, do a passion project or something.

As for not making those recent mistakes again, once i'm a few days clean, I need to start building up resilience and discipline (ideas from my Zen reading). I indulged because I was cold and tired, and didn't feel very well. Next time, I need to sit with it, and say, 'no, I don't deserve a reward just because I don't feel great.' And I'll have the muscles to tell myself this if I exercise each day - more and longer than I have been doing, meditate each day (was getting lax with this) and do my other disciplines. Yep, I can't be perfect - I should know when to take it easy on myself, to rest, and know that's okay - I don't need to be improving and working on myself all the time.

Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 19, 2020, 05:30:25 AM »
Hi all,
Just a super quick accountability check in. Did some stupid R rated movie surfing yesterday, totally triggered today. Going off line for most of the day to do a load of non-screen things. Will be back later to check in, clean!

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